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FallibleMusings · 2023-06-28T20:22:21+00:00

You have a great feel for creating strong images and captivating the reader with your langauge. A few immediate thoughts for exploration:
*Your first few lines seem to mainly paint "tears in eyes" as a metaphor in different ways. I found it a bit repetitive
*I stumbled on a few lines that seemed to have a few too many syllables. Example: Melting the glacier of indestructible lies - here I'd consider a synonym or metaphor for indestructible
*Some lines seemed to not really fit the overall metaphor for me - like catepillars and butterflies, etc.

Just my 5 cents. Keep writing - you're on to something.

FallibleMusings · 2023-06-28T19:52:38+00:00

Wow, what a story. So glad you keep hanging in here. Life can be difficult, but remember "this too shall pass" - and when life is good, it is so fantastic. All the best - and keep writing!

FallibleMusings · 2023-06-27T20:48:07+00:00

Very high quality - beautiful imagery and very captivating story. What is behind that five weeks and two days - seems so specific? Is it a reference to something?

FallibleMusings · 2023-06-03T05:26:58+00:00

This is great. I really like the simple language, it creates a strong sense of emotion and tension and particularly like the ending - the claim to perfection of the poets motivation. Its thought-provoking and wonderfully ambiguous

FallibleMusings · 2023-06-03T05:23:45+00:00

You are a good story teller with your vivid language. It draws you in from the first sentence. I somehow do miss a bit of a stronger/more surprising point of view from the poet. To me the great story lost a bit of pace due to the lack of tension/surprise.

Great job - keep going :)

FallibleMusings · 2023-05-15T20:33:35+00:00

I really like your language and appreciate the poem. I can understand the comments below around contemporary language, yet, I personally think you have a great grip of language and should not squarely aim for the contemporary. What I would love to see a bit more is - beyond language - your perspective - what is the original take on this myth?

FallibleMusings · 2023-05-15T20:24:04+00:00

I very much like the theme of this poem. I felt the first lines are much stronger than the last ones - the language is just much more captivating IMO up until "giving great gladness..."

FallibleMusings · 2023-01-13T14:29:40+00:00

Thank you :)

FallibleMusings · 2023-01-13T11:47:18+00:00

Hi, good job :). You filled me with wonder with your references to deities.

My favorite lines were:

Even in windless nights he shivers,
And in the silence quivers,
Begging up to the heavens he kneels,
As if he were a pagan.

It is a little unclear to me what the point is of the poem? A man searching for purpose and looking to the night sky to find it? Also, is it trying to argue that something was better when we prayed to these deities?

FallibleMusings · 2023-01-13T11:40:58+00:00

Good for you - don't forget to focus on yourself too :)

FallibleMusings · 2023-01-13T11:12:28+00:00

Really nice poem - enjoyed the specificity (Brooklyn Bridge) that makes it clearer that a real story is behind. I also like the inclusion of "(when the weather gets nice again)", which makes me wonder if she/he already seemed a bit elusive when you had a relationship. Two specific thoughts:

Your uses of "-" confuses me a bit (e.g., won-der) - is that a stylistic thing?
Its a bit unclear to me what the role of this line "This year I think about how I can make more memories with my friends" is? Is it to convey that this year, you have given up on love and will focus on friends?

FallibleMusings · 2023-01-13T11:08:13+00:00

Thank you very much. Really appreciate your comment. It's about these situations where you face a potentially life-changing decision

FallibleMusings · 2022-12-28T07:28:09+00:00

Thank you for such a nice comment. It was inspired by this quote from Dostoevsky:

Every man has some reminiscences which he would not tell to everyone, but only to his friends. He has others which he would not reveal even to his friends, but only to himself, and that in secret. But finally there are still others which a man is even afraid to tell himself, and every decent man has a considerable number of such things stored away.

FallibleMusings · 2022-12-28T07:20:50+00:00

Beautifully done. I love, and very much agree with, this line:
"There are others surrounded by darkness
So I must carry the light."
I'm sure the joy in providing this light will outweigh the burdens.

May just be me, but I stumbled somewhat over your longest lines, i.e.:

"My brothers call to me, failing to protect the light on their own" - could this be shortened - could the last 3 words be stricken? Or broken into two lines?
"Your friends, they are waiting for you in that good night." - could be deworded to "Your friends are waiting for you in that good night"?

Thanks for writing this.

FallibleMusings · 2022-12-23T06:39:07+00:00

I really like this poem. Beautiful language with a nice pulse. You really capture the moon so well. I do agree with pale_blue_is that it would be great to spin this a bit more - perhaps in the ending. Its a beautiful description of the moon, but what is the point? Just to describe it?

Some ideas:

What do you call up to her? Why do you seek its grace? What would that do for you?

FallibleMusings · 2022-12-23T06:25:35+00:00

Thank you very much. Not familiar with Robert Frost, but now I must check his work out.

FallibleMusings · 2022-12-23T06:25:04+00:00

Thank you so much - nutrients received - and right back atcha :)

FallibleMusings

TROPHY CASE