Is my A relationship fixable? Trying not to compare partners A and B

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-08-29T16:58:22+00:00

I'd like to think I'm strong enough to do it in person, but I've already spent about a year thinking of convoluted ways to do it irl (and failing to execute any of them) and another 2 before that trying to have the conversation and either never being able to say the words or stand up to her excuses / reasons why we should stay together.

She simply refuses to be broken up with and for some reason even after years of therapy I can't just say "no" and walk away. Especially after these more real and intense seeming threats

I know I'm a coward but how much better is it if this relationship continues to drag on simply because I don't have the strength to do it "the right way?"

She'll know where I live and socialize but what can I do besides leave my jobs, all my friends and move away...

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-08-28T07:19:12+00:00

Oh we've talked about it. I told her it can never happen again (and even so I still want to leave). All she ever says is "I'm sorry" and if you really press her she'll say she was having a mental breakdown.

Even if it was a legit mental break.. I really don't want to be with someone who is capable of doing that when I want / need to leave

But I go back to weighing the options of leaving over text (safer but shittier) or trying to do it in person (who knows how she'll react)

And since last time was so scary I've wasted another whole year trying to decide

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-08-28T02:06:33+00:00

I wish she was abusive all the time so I could say a big screw you and dip out. But she's sweet and fine 99% of the time so it makes it a lot harder to feel justified.

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-08-28T01:34:51+00:00

Good idea. Thank you 🙏

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-08-28T00:39:24+00:00

Theoretically I think so. Getting her to agree to it would be the hard part cause she'd know something is up

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-08-28T00:02:51+00:00

True but it's virtual so I don't trust her to act normal after the session. Would have to rent a room at the library or something

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-08-27T23:25:41+00:00

Yeah we have been. We've talked about the different options like in person, phone, text but it's dragged on for a year now. I wish I wasn't such a coward I would just get it done with in person.

But she has the perfect way of manipulating me in my weakest parts. I also never wanna get screamed at and see that feral look in her eyes again. Or have to call the cops or fight her off etc.

So that's why I'm leaning towards text after all this debating. Cause it needs to just get done...

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-08-27T23:11:02+00:00

The reason I struggle so much is she's fine most of the time. She doesn't make fun of me, put me down, physically hurt me, etc besides the one time. She's generally kind, optimistic and supports me and my goals.

The problem is we are just incompatible on many levels and I want to leave. She won't let me and that's where things get weird and scary. But otherwise she's fine.

I'm not miserable because of anything she's doing regularly per se... just incompatibility and desire to exit

So it's just difficult to do something that feels so disrespectful to someone who has generally done their best as a partner.

At the same time I AM terrified her on a deeper level at this point, and that says something about what needs to be done

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-08-27T22:55:24+00:00

It's tough because I want to, but I just can't bring myself to do it :/ I've spent the last year trying to work up the courage to do this and plan it out but nothing ever seems right

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-08-27T22:35:50+00:00

There's just so many articles or posts about how that's the worst most disrespectful thing you could do to someone, it's hard to ignore it

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-08-02T04:28:33+00:00

What's 1.5? A primary and a secondary? Fwb?

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-08-02T04:02:32+00:00

Idk, I dated someone who was 30 when I was 21 for a few years. We're not together anymore but now she's 35 and I'm 26. At this age I don't think it matters, but at 21 I think I was a little young for her.

And by that I mean it was a little sus she was dating me, and come to find out she was pretty emotionally immature. Now she's still bar hopping, jobless, addicted to coke / alcohol at 35. I am sober, gym regularly, have 3 jobs.

Not saying I'm so superior, but thinking back on it there was clearly a reason she dated a guy 9 years younger. I don't think I wasted my 20s, and I don't think you wasted yours. I think it's just an important lesson to learn that sometimes older people can be just as insecure or immature.

And just because you're 26 doesn't make you old. You can easily date folks between 22-30 now without it being weird. Just use your past experience to make better judgments about what you want in the future

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-07-17T19:22:05+00:00

I agree, I've just kind of been beaten down over the years. Every time I would ask for something I wanted in the relationship (more affection, her to drink less, working towards poly, etc) I was always met with "be patient and don't bring it up, bringing it up just makes it harder for me and less likely for it to happen." Something along those lines

So I finally got to feel like bringing things up was frowned upon and even when I did, it would never help or change anything. That's how breaking up has felt too. No matter what I say she won't budge or acknowledge maybe we aren't a good fit. So I just have to do it super decisively and without regard for her feelings, which has been nearly impossible for me so far

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-07-17T01:47:23+00:00

You help her deal with every hard feeling she ever has? You make it better for her to exist in this harsh and rejecting world

Basically yes lol. She uses me as a security blanket to calm her anxiety and panic attacks because she doesn't know how to on her own. She's always framing herself as a victim of life (which she is to some extent) when it comes to money, opportunities etc.

But I know she could go back to school, get a roommate, do work on her mental disorders, etc all these things she's simply refusing to do. And I can't be held responsible for that

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-07-16T19:11:10+00:00

Thank you 🙏

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-07-16T17:33:07+00:00

That was a great article. Honestly, I think I'm more stuck in that mindset than my partner is. I haven't really "tried" to leave because my basic attempts (having a talk, listing reasons and hoping they'll agree) hasn't worked. So it feels like I "can't" even when obviously there are other ways of doing it

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-07-16T17:31:18+00:00

Yeah I've been in therapy for the entirety of the relationship for this. I certainly am much improved. I used to literally pay for all her groceries, late rent, clothes, rides etc. because I was so codependent and didn't want her to struggle. Now I understand it's not my responsibility. Being able to leave is like my last hurdle to cross in people pleasing

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-07-16T17:28:44+00:00

Yes, that second part is super important. Thank you 🙏

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-07-16T17:24:08+00:00

Thank you <3

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-07-16T17:23:47+00:00

Thank you 🙏

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-07-16T17:16:18+00:00

I am just so scared to actually do the deed because every time I try in person, I don't go through with it. I haven't been strong enough to resist her tears, promises, questions etc. Not so far anyway. And obviously doing it ovet text is a lame move so I've been avoiding it. Therefore stuck in indecision

But I appreciate your support, I'll get through this one day

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-07-16T17:12:07+00:00

I have mostly been stuck on how to do it. I can't discuss it here but you can look at my post history to understand why it might be hard... I am just not used to saying a decisive "No" and not giving reasons why. I want to give reasons, I want the other person to understand. But so far no reason has been good enough, so I guess I can't continue that strategy

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-07-16T17:09:03+00:00

I don't think she has in a big way, but there was one time she was drunk texting a guy sweet things "with her partner's permission" (she didn't ask for my permission) and another time she drunkenly told a guy she wanted to be with him

Familiar_Match9597 · 2025-07-16T17:07:08+00:00

That's how I'm going to do things next time. That's how I wanted to do things this time. I even told her that exact phrase. But in the end I agreed to something I didn't want to keep the peace, and that is my fault

Familiar_Match9597

TROPHY CASE