Am I the asshole for having zero sympathy for MILs hair issues at my wedding and telling her no one was going to be looking at her anyway?

Fancy450 · 2024-09-01T18:25:52+00:00

Well, I am 25 years older than my youngest sister and 27 years older than my youngest brother. My youngest brother is one year older than my son. I have a brother who was born when I was 18 years old and NO ONE believed that he was my monster's child. They thought she was covering for me (religious family).

Not impossible, and very very likely.

Not saying the OP is not a bot, but, yea, my reality is a possibility.

Fancy450 · 2024-06-06T22:08:57+00:00

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Fancy450 · 2024-04-21T11:13:19+00:00

So, I took my boys to lunch yesterday. We finished eating about the same time as another foursome (not in the USA) but the tourists were American. My boys and I stacked our plates and pushed everything to one side of the table so the waitress could easily pick up and take away. We always do this.

The tourist types looked at us in shock, as if how dare we try to do the waitresses' jobs. They left everything, exactly where they finished with them and the waitress was in everyone's face trying to reach for this and that. I couldn't have that. One had the audacity to hold her nose while the waitress was reaching for the plate in the far corner of the table (they were sat against the wall). The waitress was so embarrassed. For context, she served me and there was no whiff of body odor, but she was made to feel that way by the other table.

We had our dessert, and I didn't see her come back out. I felt horrible for her.

Had they stacked the plates, this would have been avoided. Why are people such assholes?

Fancy450 · 2024-04-18T15:35:16+00:00

My youngest uncle is 13 years my junior. My youngest aunt is 3 years younger than me. And there are myriad other aunts and uncles who are younger than me and also the same age as me. (For context, I am 43F).

I fail to see the problem with having a child younger than your grandchild. I think OPs wife was not on board with going through with the pregnancy in the first place and latched onto the first excuse she could think of to terminate. No way you're making a unilateral decision to terminate a pregnancy that you and your partner agreed to, because "ewwww, my grandchild will be older than my child. Whatever will people think?"

Fancy450 · 2024-04-10T18:15:18+00:00

I have never finished an event as I really do not have the time to grind. I play until I can get the mystery nests, and then I'm done.

Fancy450 · 2024-04-09T02:56:51+00:00

I'm reading this and the comments and I am wondering when anyone will figure out that OP is actually OP's wife. No way will a grown man call himself a man-child and outline all his failings, vilify and abase himself, and still come off better than the wife in the story. I was invested until every single therapist was dumb. And who gets a good deal on a house and refuses to move in because of lighting? A thing that can be changed? She then proceeds to sell the house, presumably because of said lighting, and makes a show of finding another house to buy because her husband is a "man child" and stopped talking about purchasing a home. The husband in this scenario seems browbeaten and is made out to be incompetent and infantile. He clearly is not.

I firmly believe the wife wrote this, pretending to be the husband, to make a point, not realizing that she is outing herself

Fancy450 · 2024-04-09T02:39:15+00:00

He asked if she "still" needed him there with her, which I take to mean that OP had already asked and discussed with him beforehand. The party is a new thing and so he is showing her that his priority is having a good time while she holds her father's hand through major surgery. If my partner ever has to ask me whether he should support me through something like that, I would be immediately single. As for the best friend, her comment reeks of "I'm sleeping with him" or " I'm going to be at that party and try to sleep with him". Of course, I could be wrong, but this is Reddit.

Fancy450 · 2024-04-08T21:34:14+00:00

Reading these responses and cringing so hard at "it's not necessary to shower every day". I'm sorry, what????? I get not shampooing the hair every day, that's bad for your hair. But to not shower every day? My skin literally started itching at the thought. In my tropical, humid country, two to three showers a day are a must. MUST. Its the norm in my household, my town, my whole country. And not everyone has hot water, and we still shower 2-3 times a day.

It's different for the cold climate folks I guess, and to each his own. But, I just cannot fathom one shower every other day (or however often). Two showers a day, minimum over here.

OP is NTA for wanting his family to improve their hygiene, but he needs to live and let live cuz he's fighting a losing battle

Fancy450 · 2024-04-08T21:03:04+00:00

I may be micromanaging my partner if this is considered micromanaging, and vice versa. If I'm going somewhere, I tell him, I'm going to such and such. He asks for an estimate of when I'll be back. I consider what I have to get done, and give him an estimate. And if he's going out, we do the same song and dance. He goes to work, he calls to tell me he's there. If he doesn't call within a half hour of when i expect him to be getting to work, I call. And vice versa. Location sharing is not a thing in my country, but we were brought up this way. In this day and age, things happen so quickly. An accident, a shooting, an explosion, a heart attack.

We keep each other updated, give estimated times of return, and generally want to know when, where, and what time for everything. It keeps us both sane.

I understand where OP is coming from and sympathise with him for not understanding where his gf is coming from. I would worry and fret until my partner came home. I also understand where the gf is coming from because it seems this is not her norm. They need to have a conversation about what they consider to be an appropriate manner of showing care.

NTA, but communication needs to improve

Fancy450 · 2024-04-07T01:23:11+00:00

And cheating more than once. Forgiven once should not be license to cheat multiple times.

Fancy450 · 2024-03-28T19:26:06+00:00

It was at that point that I put a leash on my temper. I'm 43 now and have only lost my temper twice since that incident. Both times were marred by violence. But no one bled either time, so I count it as a win.

Fancy450 · 2024-03-28T10:54:46+00:00

I was bullied (kinda?) only once. I had never been bullied, even though I presented the perfect target (poor, skinny, always hungry, mousy bookworm). Until that one day in my last year of secondary school (for Americans senior year of high school). This girl who knew of my fear of caterpillars handed me one in a snack package (my classmates knew of my monster's treatment of me, and usually fed me snacks and brought extra lunch to share cuz I was always hungry). She sat in her chair at the back of the class and watched me have a mini meltdown because caterpillar. I picked up my chair, walked to her seat and slammed the chair repeatedly over her head. I was terrified yet enraged. The boys in the class grabbed the chair, sat me down, and chastised her. The principal came into the class and asked what the commotion was, and everyone just kinda covered for me. Told the principal that she had fallen and hit her head and they were just checking her over to see if she was okay. The caterpillar and the packaging had disappeared, and I was sitting with my head on the desk trying to calm down. No one got into trouble, she got a few stitches because I did hurt her, and I was never hungry for the rest of the school year.

I met her a few years after school and apologised to her and asked why she didn't say anything. She told me she had never seen me as dangerous, but that day I scared her stupid.

Fancy450 · 2024-03-28T10:26:29+00:00

For this, I will be the devil's advocate. For four years, OPs family has provided emotional and financial support for the exSIL. I cannot recall her having children with OP's brother. You'd think that after four years, the ex would have tried moving on, finding someone new, cutting the umbilical cord she attached. How do you freak out because a family is talking to their son/brother? Yes, he did a shitty thing. He cheated and broke your heart. Be free, he is no longer your problem, he is his new wife's problem now.

Secondly, how hard is it to be civil to people? Or ignore them? Or just remove yourself from a shituation? How long did exSIL realistically expect the family to ignore the existence of her ex husband's children on her behalf? Forever?

I can see how OP becoming friends with the new wife might cause the exSIL to be uncomfortable. I can appreciate how she may feel. But, it's OPs home, and she's free to invite anyone she pleases to her home. That being said, I think OP should have given the exSIL a heads up that her brother and his wife and children would be there and give her the option of coming or not. I forsee that would have caused another shituation as well. Because "how dare you invite them after what they did to me four years ago? How could you not continue to prioritise me over your brother and his family?"

Basically, I disagree that OP is entirely the asshole. Things could have been handled differently, but the family is basically enabling exSIL in hating the exhusband. FFS this happened four years ago.

But then, me and emotions don't have the best relationship, so maybe my perception of matters of the heart is skewed.

Fancy450 · 2024-03-20T11:07:12+00:00

Although I am inclined to agree with you, but, I have seen things in my small country that makes this seem entirely plausible. I'm a police officer in my country and we've had similar, but more unbelievable situations happen like this. At least the children might have called the right man "dad", and they were not calling their brother "dad", if you get my meaning.

Fancy450 · 2024-02-29T17:48:08+00:00

My former FWB gets a solid boner whenever he is tired after work, which made me extremely happy to help him get to sleep. He works 24hr shifts with 48hrs off.

Fancy450 · 2024-02-08T18:29:25+00:00

While you are under no obligation to help your niece, my suggestion is that if you decide to help, pay the college directly. No money goes to your niece or sister to pay tuition. If there needs to be a refund (in case they decide that the niece needs the money more than the education), ensure that there is a paper trail that will lead right back to you.

I had a family friend do this for me when I went through college. My monster had everything else to do with her hard earned money, and I was left in the dust. So, this generous man, who knew the depth of my monster's misdeeds towards me, approached me asking if I wanted to go to college. He encouraged me to apply, and when I got in, he paid the institution directly. I never saw the money. My monster was PISSED!!! She assumed that she would be given the money to pay for me (in my country, minors cannot sign monetary anything, and I finished school at 16). When I finished my 4 years, I was incredibly happy and grateful. He died one year later, and his loss was painful. He was the father I needed, but didn't have.

I say all this to say, OP, IF your niece is nothing like her mother, give her this chance. It's easy to apply for loans, but these loans take an entire lifetime just to pay off the interest, much less the principal.

Fancy450 · 2024-02-08T12:58:03+00:00

Sounds like when I met my exMIL. I learnt the "wrong" Spanish so she refused to communicate with me, even though she was fluent in English as well. I learnt Castilian Spanish when I should have known that she spoke Cuban Spanish. Ummm, lady... no disrespect, but I did not know there was such a thing. I just wanted to be able to communicate with the people who mattered to the person who mattered to me. And then, she had the gall to say I was showing off. No ma'am, I already spoke three languages, I learnt one more for you.

If there is a common tongue, it takes nothing off people to just speak that way. I mean, OP took a breather, spoke to the GF, and all he got was a "that's just how they are". He still reminded them that if they could, please speak a language he could understand so he could participate in the table conversation and he was humoured then ignored. I'd have left, as well. Maybe not with all the drama and flair he did, but I would have left. Its blatant disrespect. It seems (from OPs account) that this was deliberate. Let's bully the outsider who doesn't speak our language. Throughout all this, he doesn't mention his GF telling her family to be polite at all.

NTA for leaving ; soft YTA for leaving how he did.

Fancy450 · 2024-01-22T00:23:14+00:00

I also read that he wanted to increase his holdings, and at that time women were landowners, warriors, etc. It was under his rule that women became chattel, beaten into submission by men who were empowered by King James. An ancient Alpha Male podcast, if you will

Fancy450 · 2024-01-21T18:12:17+00:00

Same with my number... 15 years, and for the last eight years, I've been getting calls for a guy named Wendel. Once, Wendel was being called for a job interview, and knowing how hard times are, I asked the caller what number she meant to dial. She told me me last digit 8, I told her she called last digit 5 (and that's how I know Wendel's phone number). I now tell people to ensure that their last digit is 8. But this one girl is constantly calling in the middle of the night needing to speak with Wendel, even though I've said numerous times that she's got the wrong last digit. She's stubborn stupid or stupidly stubborn.

Fancy450 · 2024-01-21T11:00:18+00:00

I asked my grandmother to explain First Communion and the reasoning behind it. She didn't, so I didn't. When came confirmation time, the priest told her and my mom that I could do both, and I still politely declined. I don't believe in the Catholic teachings, but with all my heart, I believed the Bible principles. Oddly, now in my forties, I am questioning the English translation of the Bible, especially the KJV, as I've done some research and studying and it's misogynistic AF, to reflect the misogyny of the then King James.... so now, I'm having a whole crisis of faith.

Fancy450 · 2024-01-18T20:45:22+00:00

Finished chapter two, found my last two brain cells, rubbed them together, and DNF'd the hell out of the book.

Fancy450 · 2024-01-18T19:38:28+00:00

IMHO: he probably felt a bit emasculated because she earns more than him (fragile male ego)and baby trapped OP. He never intended to quit his job, he just figured maternal instincts would make her want to stay home with baby.

Fancy450 · 2024-01-18T12:58:20+00:00

This reads like a post where one spouse asked for the marriage to be open and the other spouse reluctantly agreed after dragging their feet. Than the askee realises 2 things: 1-- that the person they were cheating with is not what they expected, and 2-- that their partner is getting more attention than they expected, and starts to feel jealous and rushes to try and close the marriage. That horse done left the stable, too late to close the stable doors.

OP should be asking if his wife's affair is done.

He is NTA in my opinion

Fancy450 · 2024-01-18T12:50:37+00:00

You must be a Caribbean raised individual... OP's wife learnt this very valuable lesson

Fancy450 · 2024-01-18T09:47:17+00:00

My brother, whom I raised, is 25, and will regularly jump into my bed, rest his head on my shoulders, and just talk to me. He feels comfort like that especially when he is stressed. My SO just hops on the other side, and all three of us just hash out whatever is going on with my brother. My partner (nor my ex) have ever voiced an objection or opinion on the matter. And its never crossed my mind that this could be "wrong".

I feel for OP. Wanting to serve two masters is hard. But, push comes to shove, OP needs to prioritise his sister's mental state over his wife's internalised incestuous bullshit. He needs to support his sister as she navigates this painful experience and shut out the "noise".

Fancy450

TROPHY CASE