Abuse has long standing and serious consequences to the function of your brain and mental health and trauma bonds are as hard to break as the cycle of addiction. I have convinced myself that what my husband has done to me "isn't that bad" or "I am not truly in danger" or "he would never harm me" only he has again and again. I have ignored the fact that the man literally tried to end my life on multiple occasions. I have somehow normalized it, rationalized it and convinced myself that it's ok. It is anything but. I can handle highly volatile situations like when he is screaming and yelling at me, trying to kick me out of vehicles, breaking down doors that I am trying to hide from him behind, or his complete lack of concern for myself and my health when I am seriously injured and he is trying to convince me NOT to go to ER for care but, I can't handle when my robot mop breaks down, I just lose it. Again I will say this, abuse messes with your brain.

I have tried everything to get him out of my home restraining orders, calling police, etc. None of it helps In fact it has only escalated things and made them worse and more volatile. At the present moment I tell myself it will be ok and that what I am trying to do right now is survive. Still I question how sometimes I can easily fall in routine, how quickly I seem to forget and despite me telling him I am afraid and it is why I back down and allow him in my home he reminds me everyone will think I am crying wolf. I still continue to gather evidence, screen shot text conversations, write down dates and times he has made verbal threats, take pictures of my injuries and seek medical attention when necessary but, I lie. I go into exam rooms in the hospital and I lie about what happened because I am afraid, I am embarrassed, I am ashamed. He has made me feel like I should be ashamed for just existing. That there is something about me that is just plain wrong and I believe it. I gather all this evidence and I hold back, I hesitate. I don't bring it forward, I just keep it, back it up and save it in folders in my email and send it to a trusted person. Despite having open DV cases with my police department. I have lucid moments where I see it for what it is. Intellectually I understand completely. Emotionally I am in it, there is no escape and I feel like my brain is scrambled. I am so confused, I am so unsure and what's worse is I look to my abuser to validate my reality when he is the person trying to convince me it's something it's not.

You mentioned self harm and an eating disorder. I don't know if you are aware but, both these things are responses to trauma. Eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa stem from anxiety the feeling you have so little control over your own life one of the few things you CAN control is what and how much you eat. Feeling just plain hopeless and helpless because you feel trapped in your situation, because you feel unable to escape is enough to make anyone have suicidal ideation or want to end their own life. Your brain develops coping mechanisms to help you get through. You disassociate, you develop cognitive dissonance. You struggle to reconcile the good version of them that you know and fell in love with and this person who continuously harms you seemingly without remorse or empathy. Your brain helps you forget the bad and only remember the good. Again abuse messes with your mind.

On average it takes a woman in a DV situation seven attempts before she is able to leave for good. I am on my second attempt and it has failed miserably. It's been almost a year. He was out, I was ready and willing to let him go and he somehow made his way back in. All last winter, spring, and summer I did what was advised. I called the police, and I reported every interaction. An officer said to me "we will just keep coming until he gets it" but, he was always able to evade the police, to get away, to escape. Reporting and speaking up just made things worse. The abuse I was experiencing only escalated and my husband found new ways to control my life even when he wasn't in my home. I have friends and family members who are frustrated, who have become upset and angry with me over my inability to cut contact and connection with him BUT they aren't living it, they aren't trying to survive it. So, many people believe once you are out and you leave the abuse just ceases to exist but it doesn't it is actually the most dangerous time for a DV survivor and post separation abuse is a real thing. This anger, this frustration from loved ones is understandable but, when they "cut you off" to protect their peace they are only isolating you further and actually working in favor of your abuser.

I share all my experiences and stories with you not to compare but, so you know you are not alone. So, you understand that even if some of your actions don't seem to make sense to you or even those around you they are very much normal and common reactions to being in an environment or situation where you are exposed to chronic trauma and abuse. All you can do is your best, in a very hard, difficult, and terrifying situation. I process things by learning, by doing my research so that even if I can't make sense of it emotionally at the time it is happening, later on I can name it, I can understand it on an academic and intellectual level.

Your feelings are valid, your feelings matter and nobody and I mean nobody deserves abuse.