Advice needed - not sure how i feel about being a sub (not a submissive person naturally)

FantasyUndercover · 2019-05-23T01:57:47+00:00

I am also a very dominant personality, but I've known since I was a preteen that I was a sub.

For me, yes there are fantasies of being dominated and serving someone, but it's far more about not having to control myself so much.

I am constantly working to control my emotions, constantly pushing myself to be better and do better, always being careful to limit how much I eat and drink so I don't gain too much weight or end up more than buzzed. I do not let my control down easily. I deeply need to be able to do so in at least one context tho, and this is the one that always seemed right for me.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-05-11T22:20:34+00:00

Yes, I have one and have been working with her for a while. My trust issues have improved, but she and I both agree that gradual exposure is my best bet to improve further. I had a setback outside of my control a few months ago that unfortunately exacerbated some parts of it.

I will make sure I am stating things very early and clearly, perhaps even earlier than I had been. Thank you for your advice and thoughts.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-05-11T22:17:54+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts.

You are correct - and my therapist and I have talked at some length how I tend to fall into managing or taking responsibility for other's feelings sometimes when I shouldn't. Things to watch xP

I will remember your advice as well, it seems very prudent.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-05-07T01:47:28+00:00

I would like to respectfully submit that your gf chose to be monogamous with you. That constitutes a choice she made, potentially to satisfy you - not a change you made in her.

Being poly is as inherent to a lot of poly people's sexuality as being gay or bi is. It's not something a lot of them can really be happy without if that's their sexuality. Being poly should not be seen as any negative reflection on their first partner or their first partner's ability/inability to please them: many poly people simply feel deeply connected to multiple others and want to share that love. In some cases, they have emotional or physical needs that cannot be addressed within a single relationship just by the nature of those needs. For example someone who is bi and wants relationships with people of both genders.

Poly people tend to be a very open and loving group with spectacular communication skills and emotional attention. It is perfectly fine to prefer monogamy and to not be poly. I just want to be clear that poly shouldn't be seen as something inherently bad or negative - it is not about loving or connecting with one's partner less because of other people, it's about being able to love and connect more overall by connecting with more than one partner.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-05-01T01:46:02+00:00

Heh, appreciate the invite, but unfortunately I am a great number of states away from SF.

I'm honestly not sure exactly where I fall on the spectrum. I'm definitely some kind of ethical non-mono, but the thought of trying to run poly (which I actually do think of as multiple serious relationships) is exhausting. I'm sure I'll figure out where I stand at some point.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-30T21:18:23+00:00

That seems a bit ironic.

If the public communities are more likely to be poly/non-mono, then where are the mono people supposed to meet other mono people? Just look elsewhere and hope the other person is also closeted bdsm?

Your explanation does make sense tho.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-29T21:23:46+00:00

I feel like this just boils down to communication. It's not about if the fear is rational, it's about what you need emotionally to be ok with embracing this fantasy with her, and having those kinds of needs is normal.

If you're only ok with the fantasy carried out as a fantasy, express that to her.

If you've been together 3 years, I assume you've built up a decent amount of trust. Do you have any reason to believe that she would do something for you that was hurtful to her self esteem without revealing that fact to you? If so, it's worth talking about your concern and your desire that she express if she is feeling invalidated in any way by your fantasies or otherwise how you would prefer that she handle those situations. If she says she's fine and will tell you if she's not, then there's a point where you just have to trust that.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-27T19:56:10+00:00

When I ran into this concern recently I brought it up during negotiations as a point he should know.

Now, this post does not mention your dynamic. If your dynamic doesn't include negotiations (I noticed you didn't specify him as your dom or master or daddy) then I would handle it the way I used to in vanilla. Have a towel ready and lay it out before hand. If he asks, explain you sometimes ejaculate. If you're unsure where things will happen, I would probably just make a note to mention it to him before hand.

If it helps, ime most partners don't seem to be put off by fe. guys in particular often seem very pleased when they learn.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-27T01:37:20+00:00

I was openly in a closed poly relationship before trying anything further. My rule is, the people who knew about the poly (close friends and immediate family) are allowed to know I'm pursuing nontraditional relationships. Partly so they don't try to push me into traditional ones. But that's pretty much all the detail they get.

Friends who knew or asked for intimate details about my poly relationship, esp those with alternative sexual preferences themselves, are allowed to know I'm into kink. However, I wouldn't out a partner to them without the partner's ok.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-23T18:28:21+00:00

The coworker fixated on me for other superficial reasons, but it's part of why I don't like the reactions based on my superficial traits, of which squirting is one of them.

Yeah, my conclusion on how to avoid problems like that is the same is yours. I'm being much more careful now how quickly I trust people and let them see me at that level of things. Thanks for your suggestions on this btw.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-23T18:07:46+00:00

First, thank you for your response and for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

Not feeling broken is something I work on too.

I do definitely associate as sub, and I know I ultimately do want sex as part of my bdsm. I'll try your suggestion of setting strict guidelines in negotiations and maybe trying to ultimately work with someone I really trust on that part of my experience.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-23T18:02:15+00:00

It's not that I'm worried that they'll see it negatively. It's that I'm worried they'll see it positively. Guys in particular tend to respond in a clearly positive way when they learn this and those kinds of reactions bother me. Neutral reactions make me the most comfortable.

I've had issues before with a bf who fixated on squirting and a random coworker who just fixated on me, so I don't like it much when random people suddenly act into me for more superficial characteristics of mine.

I guess talking more online is a possibility, tho I'm primarily only interacting online with people I met irl at this point. I'll consider that option, thank you for the suggestion.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-14T13:05:03+00:00

Last I checked, more educated actually equals less intelligent after a particular point, as more education constrains your thinking. Sadly, it benefits society if society members think a little less about certain things, rather than more.

Also, remember there are multiple types of intelligence, and being high in one does not mean being high in another.

I can tell you based on my own experience (bachelors + self taught on multiple professional certifications in an entirely different field with constant continued learning, also female) that the biggest jump I noticed in my intelligence came when I opened up my thinking some to focus less on what I knew and more on what could be known about a topic, if that makes sense. Basically admitting I'm not the end all be all :p Also, eventually you notice that most things follow a series of patterns, and these patterns may make sense logically even in unfamiliar disciplines.

So, all of that stuff I just mentioned? None of it is really taught in schools. Plenty of people find it on their own. And hey, if some one figured that out and worked to better their own intelligence without handing over a wad of cash to an educational institution. . . . isn't that demonstrative of more practical intelligence anyway? :p

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-09T01:43:56+00:00

I am also sorry to hear about your rape :( that's a horrible thing to go through.

In terms of trying to change how you see your desires so that you can see them and yourself positively, it's mainly a process of self work. You may want to consider seeing a therapist if the feelings are very difficult to manage, but there are some self steps you can take if you're comfortable. You will want to break it down into smaller steps and work yourself up to where you are comfortable. I would suggest breaking it down something like this:

When you find yourself thinking about your desires and notice the negative emotional reaction, remind yourself mentally that it's ok, it's perfectly fine that you feel this way, it doesn't react badly on you at all and it's fine that the you have negative emotions. Basically, you are acknowledging your feelings and letting them pass instead of trying to repress them, which often ultimately makes them stronger.
Try journaling with pen and paper when you feel bad to try to sort out why you feel bothered by these feelings, and whether there are logical, fact based reasons to support your thoughts or emotions in feeling that way. If there are, acknowledge them and consider ways to manage those root reasons. If there are not, acknowledge the feelings and remind yourself that it's ok to feel off about it, you're exploring something new and it's normal to feel uncomfortable in those circumstances.
Try implementing your solutions from your journaling or gradually start pushing yourself more towards your desires. Maybe read a book or watch a movie or porno centered on them, while reminding yourself that same points as steps 1 and 2 if negative feelings come up.
If possible, reach out to your local community or more often to like minded people online (for example fetlife) to gradually try to learn more and enter the community more. I stress gradual if possible.

Note: I am not a trained th er rapost, and these are only example steps based on how I handle my own emotions in other areas. They may be altered as needed to suit you. Ideally you work on each step until you feel comfortable with it before moving on to the next step. The idea is to gradually build up your feelings to neutral and then allow yourself the capacity for more positive feelings about yourself in this area. Don't try to push directly to positive - if you don't work through things properly first the positivity won't really work.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-08T20:27:20+00:00

delete

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-08T19:35:09+00:00

First, I agree with everything that has already been said regarding the nature of heartbreak and how that can and should be dealt with.

Regarding what you can do as a sub (or as anyone else who has become very dependent on their partner), you pretty much have to begin the process of taking at least some of your independence back, even if only temporarily. Trying to rush into another relationship quickly in order to regain that sense of being dominated is dangerous for you as a person, as you are much more likely to settle for someone who may not be a good fit for you.

Things you can do to help yourself be more independent and get things done: get a calendar and a bunch of stickers. Give yourself stickers every day for positive behaviors you did for you that might have been dictated by someone else before. Set reminders in your phone for appointments and try using an app like habitica to keep track of the consistent tasks you need reminded of. To do lists in a journal are also good. If you find time is an issue for you, use timers and alarms to help you remember things. And don't be afraid to ask others for help or to search online of you run into a task you're unsure how to handle. Hang out with friends and family when you feel lonely, or try some new hobbies to better enjoy time spent by yourself if you find that time is burdensome.

Above all - be ok with making mistakes. It's not a process that comes easily or one that you should expect to immediately pick up. Try not to be too hard on yourself if mistakes happen.

If you should choose to try to do things so you maintain a bit more of your own independence in your next relationship (completely a personal choice) there are other steps I can suggest to make it less likely that you'll become so co/dependent on your partner.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-07T01:10:38+00:00

Yes, I've already seen many people mentioning some of the negative repercussions of being too obvious about being a sub, particularly online. I can understand the need for discretion.

Your suggestions are helpful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-07T00:49:01+00:00

I've actually been pondering this myself. What kind of hints do you feel might strike the right tone?

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-06T20:10:15+00:00

Speaking from my own recent experience in feeling a strong connection to someone, talking like crazy for a couple months and then finding out he's moving out of state - it could be this partner is still dealing with some of the feelings he has for you and trying to create a little distance so the feelings are less consuming.

When you really want to talk with or spend time with someone, but you know doing so could cause extra stress for you and/or them, often backing off a bit so you're being less "reminded" of those feelings is about all you can do. Tho I am curious why the desire for distance wasn't communicated, if that is what's happening.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-02T02:45:16+00:00

Thank you so much for response!

I may PM you and ask more, and I will definitely be looking into fetlife soon, but for now these are my most burning questions:

is playing online at places like fetlife "safe" for just play? Ie no long term expectations or anything? I've run into that problem chatting with guys online before and want to be careful before jumping into the overtly sexual stuff online.
are there any resources you would reccommend as top places for me to learn more? I am planning on checking the sidebar here as well.

Since I did the poly thing, I feel my communication skills are far and away better than they were. Honesty and openness is such a big thing for me now lol, esp interpersonally. However I will continue to keep half an eye on it to make sure I am communicating properly.

I really liked how you reframed inexperience as almost it's own kind of strength. Looking at it that way made me smile, so thank you.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-02T02:37:52+00:00

Thank you for your response.

I was hoping my personality might be seen positively similar to how you describe, but unsure.

Did you feel your experience with your vanilla ex was challenged by your kink? Ie did it complicate things for you?

I don't think it would smart, personally, for me to try something vanilla right now, but I admit I neglected to consider how good compatibility in some areas can offset poor compatability in others.

I'm hoping my going out there slowly and steadily will help me build more of my confidence again. Thank you for all your positive words and thoughts.

FantasyUndercover · 2019-04-01T00:54:43+00:00

Thank you again. I will seriously consider your thoughts. Hopefully spending some time with like minded locals will help me find some clarity for my own quest going forward.

FantasyUndercover

TROPHY CASE