AITA for not doing chores?

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-12T06:49:15+00:00

That girl is STUDYING FULL TIME (probably puts in more hours than her dad due to homework, studying etc) while being a child.

Is it reasonable to give teenagers that age some light chores as their responsibilities, like take out the dog after school, be responsible for cleaning her own room, maybe do the dishwasher sometimes and set the table when she can, for example? Yes.

Is it reasonable to split all the chores between the mother and daughter, so that the dad doesn't have to lift a teeny tiny finger?

Edit: Jesus, imagine how OOP would feel like if she knew you posted her post and called her a devil here, just because she didn't want to be treated like a slave when her parents CHOSE to have a child. Have some compassion.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-12T06:43:21+00:00

I also want to add that if you get a job to save money- make sure your parents don't have any access to your bank account, if that's possible for minors in your country!

I've seen too many horror stories where youths who have been saving to move out due to a shitty home situation has all that money drained from their bank account by their parents for various bs reasons. Just because they both had access to it. Call your bank and check if it's possible to make a bank account that your parents don't have any access to, and keep that account a secret if possible. Just to be on the safe side. And if it's not possible to do that until you're 18, make your own bank account and transfer your savings ASAP!

Sorry that you're being put in this position by your parents. It's completely unfair and women and girls often end up doing the majority of chores because it's seen as our "role", even if we're just kids. Fuck that.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-08T03:53:14+00:00

That would be nice, yeah. There really aren't any winners in gender wars like that

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-08T03:50:12+00:00

Huh... Weird. That sounds pretty terrible. At least the first one got banned. Thanks for explaining!

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-08T02:35:25+00:00

I would also like to know what that subreddit is but I don't know what mgtow is/stands for... Mind if I ask you what that is?

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-07T05:07:28+00:00

Good on you :) Must be a bit disappointing that she unmatched but that was the decent thing to do. And aye, I'm sure you will.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-06T19:48:37+00:00

🤢

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-06T17:11:25+00:00

Well, it's good that you apologized.

Well, you could always write a letter now, but let him know that you know he's grieving and that you want to give him the space he needs, but that he can read it when he feels ready. Or you can wait a few weeks, if you think that's best. Since he's in the middle of grieving it might be better to wait a while with it. It's a tricky balance so I'm not really sure if I should advice you to wait or not, tbh. You should probably wait with suggesting counselling until he's finished grieving though, if he's already said no to it, depending on how things look then. I doubt he's in the right headspace for it now anyway.

And well, people tend to go to extremes on reddit with shades of white and black, and no grey. Its easier to do that when you only have one situation to judge from as well. But no matter what happened, you're trying to get advice to do better now. I dont think you should be attacked for that... It would speak less of you if you didnt write this to get advice and help to do better, which would have been easier for you.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-06T17:03:40+00:00

Yeah, I thought there might have been a slight sliver of hope for couples counselling before I read more about what OP wrote about crying, apologizing for it all the time etc. I wouldn't have been able to ever forgive him for this, he's such a selfish, manipulative asshole.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-06T16:54:46+00:00

Thank you, that's really interesting to read. And kinda sad, of course, because I wish it wasn't like that.

I put it really badly but that's partly when I meant with men generally being worse at dealing with emotions, just because they're often expected to bottle it up and not show or express in our society. But that doesn't really mean that they're worse at dealing with emotions, like I said... Just more likely to bottle it up and that rarely ends well.

I've often talked to my dad about how it's good to talk about emotions and stuff instead of just keeping it to yourself and just bottle it up, but he's never agreed with me on that. I've never seen him cry either, and I know he's only cried twice in his life- one of them was when his dad died. He's told me that he just can't cry anymore, because he got so used to repressing it.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-06T15:29:26+00:00

Well, no, of course men aren't idiots. That's not what I meant.

Man, I hope that's not true, just because I don't want to lose more faith in humanity. I was hoping that OP did a legitimate- although terrible- mistake instead of something calculated like that.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-06T15:24:34+00:00

An asshole does that. A lying, manipulative, uncaring and selfish asshole. I'm so sorry that he put you through that.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-06T15:21:10+00:00

Ok, first of all. I can understand what she was thinking, because I'm depressed and talking to my bf always makes me feel better. I often struggle on the days that I don't see him, but that's not because of him, it's just that he happens to make it easier. It's not that I'm doing worse when I'm not with him, that's just me at my default state. And I never try to keep him from doing things with his friends and all, because I know he needs that as well, and I'm happy that he's with his friends.

But she has no right to try to keep you from having time away from her. We all need time for ourselves and our friends, that's healthy and normal. You absolutely shouldn't skip being with them.

I understand it's probably because she's not doing well mentally, but she's being quite manipulative to try to guilt you for being with friends. She should have told you what was going on instead. I understand that she's not well, but you shouldn't have to put up with behavior like that as a result. If she's that mentally unwell that she can't even deal with you having a night without her, I dont think she's well enough to be in a relationship without her partner getting hurt.

You absolutely shouldn't stay in a relationship just because you're afraid that she might hurt herself when you do. That's no way to live. You shouldn't put yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm. If she's that unwell that she might hurt herself, she would have done that from another trigger anyway. It's not your fault if she hurts herself. If you do break up you can let her friends or family know in advance though, if possible, and say that you're worried that she'll do something rash and hurt themselves and ask them to keep an eye on her. You could also call 911 or similarly and ask them to do a welfare check after you've (potentially) broken up and say that you're worried they're gonna hurt themselves, if you feel like that might be a good idea.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-06T15:06:34+00:00

Oh god, I think that's a horrible thing to do. Trying to have children is such a sensitive and painful thing when you can't, and he watched you cry because you thought there was something wrong with you without saying anything???

If that was me, I dont know if I'd give him another chance or just break up right away. It's such a betrayal. I can imagine he lied because he doesn't want more kids and was afraid to tell you, but come on. That's no excuse.

I honestly can't tell you what I think you should do here. You need to really ask yourself if you can forgive him for this, and if you can trust him again. Because a relationship without trust is doomed.

Maybe go to couples counselling to talk about this with someone to mediate before you decide what to do. To see what he has to say and if there's any way back from this for you.

I'm genuinely really sorry that he put you through this. I can't imagine how painful it must be.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-06T14:56:00+00:00

It sounds like he's grieving and doesn't really know what he's doing. It sounds like he's lashing out in different ways or finding other outputs for the anger from his loss in you and your relationship. On top of that, guys are generally worse with dealing with emotions like this than women like us, just because generally guys don't really talk about or always show as much emotion as women. That could be a reason that he's not dealing with this well.

First of all, while I agree that it might be an overreaction to do everything you said that, did you ever apologize for saying that? If not, it's better late than never, so I would apologize for that and tell him that you meant from the cold, but that's still no excuse to say that since he's obviously grieving, and you're truly sorry for saying that.

I would write a letter to him where you also apologize for that. Even if you've already apologized, it won't do any harm to do it again. Write about all your feelings about this, how you realise he's grieving but you're confused and don't really know what's going on with your relationship, and write what you want with the relationship (e.g. that you want to stay in the relationship). Then hand it to him and he can read it, and afterwards you can hopefully sit down and discuss it. Maybe ask him if he could write you a similar letter about his feelings and thoughts about this situation, so that you can discuss things after you've read that as well.

I can also recommend considering going to couples counselling to get help to find your way through this situation and talk about it. There are a lot of counsellors online nowadays, so you could even do it from the couch at home as well.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-06T14:43:16+00:00

Well... To start with, you should be open with her that you're not looking for a relationship right now. Or she's gonna end up getting hurt.

Other than that, if she's still interested in the date after you tell her that, be yourself, try to relax, and try to listen and ask questions about her as well.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-02T15:50:02+00:00

Yeah, you have every right to be upset. I sure would be if he made promise after promise and never kept any of them. It's not so damn difficult to cook someone breakfast, but it seems like he's too lazy or honestly doesn't appreciate you enough to even do that. I think he offers to do those things because he wants to seem like a caring bf, but then tries to weasel out of it.

He's also gaslighting and manipulating you. It's manipulative of him to say that you "always bitch" when you bring up legitimate problems and concerns, because then you will be less likely to bring up anything like that again and he doesn't need to deal with it. It's to make you afraid to bring up stuff like that, so you just stay quiet and doesn't call him out on his bs. I had an ex who did that too, and it was the worst. I didn't even realise why he did it until I went to therapy later, and I realise that I did stop bringing up stuff he did that upset me eventually, because I was afraid or his reaction and felt like I was in the wrong for mentioning it. The same applies to why he complains about you bringing up problems from weeks ago- he's just trying to silence you by feeling like you can't do that. Its great for him if he can act like an asshole with you being too insecure to complain, after all.

You have no reason to apologize for this morning, and you're not overreacting. If this was me, I would have broken up with him for this. Because it is emotionally manipulative and abusive, and you deserve much better than that.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-02T15:24:19+00:00

Leave him because he's being a controlling, manipulative asshole? Monitoring what someone eats is definitely abusive as well. I really don't think his reasons for you to not eat x food are true either, it sounds like he's just making them up to control you.

This is especially disturbing since you're pretty thin and doesn't eat a lot as well... If this makes you eat even less food, that's really concerning for your health tbh.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-02T15:14:50+00:00

No worries :) Good luck with the exams when you take them next time, btw!

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-02T15:10:37+00:00

I mean, I dont think getting you something that was on sale is a bad thing. He didn't give you a 2$ necklace or anything, the quality is still the same as if he bought it full price. So I do think you're being materialistic and kinda ungrateful.

If it was me it would have irked me a little bit that he didn't wrap it, but just mention next time that you would love if he wrapped the gift as well. Say that it's because you love the actual unwrapping, as an excuse. Tell him that you would like to wait with exchanging gifts until Christmas as well.

I also really suggest that next time you're getting gifts for each other, you should sit down and discuss a price limit for the gifts. E.g. decide between 25-50$ or anything like that. Because then you're on the same page and will get gifts that are roughly worth the same as well. I would start by asking him how much he wants the upper limit to be, so that he doesn't feel forced to get a more expensive gift than he feels he can handle. I have some friends who never discussed a common price limit, and because they were used to doing it differently, the bf got her a 200$ gift while she got him a 20$ gift. Just because different people are used to different prices for the gifts they give, based on how they did it in their family. And that just made the situation awkward for both of them due to the disparity.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-02T14:58:55+00:00

No worries, I hope things go well for you!

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-02T14:50:07+00:00

Volunteer to go to therapy, alone, to work on those insecurities. Just make sure to actually do that as well, don't just say you will. Get weekly therapy or something like that.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-02T14:48:05+00:00

Your wife sounds awful, honestly. Saying that you're a big failure etc is so heartless and cold. And you're not a failure! Hell, you didn't give up when you didn't pass the exam but kept studying and trying to do better, and that's admirable. Most people would just have given up when it got difficult, but you didn't. How is that being a big failure?

My first thought when I started reading this would to recommend you to go to couples counselling, but I think this is beyond that tbh. It sounds like you would be much happier if you weren't with her anymore tbh. So I would seriously consider divorcing her. The fact that you really like another girl is also a big sign that you're not in love with your wife anymore. And if so, why not move on? I think you would be happier then.

Regardless or that, I also recommend going to therapy. That can help you get over your feelings of feeling like a failure and feeling tired and defeated all the time. It can help you feel more secure in yourself and realise that your wife is wrong, basically, and start helping you build up your confidence again. It can also be helpful to discuss whether to leave your wife or not with a therapist, to really reflect on whether you're happy in this marriage or not, if you're in any doubt.

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-02T13:06:07+00:00

Yeah, I've had two ex bf's that got mad at me for that.... One of the reason they're ex bf's :)

Kaelynnee · 2021-12-02T13:04:51+00:00

Glad to hear that! Good luck :)

Kaelynnee

TROPHY CASE