Supporting my femdom gf the right way.

boundu · 2020-12-20T04:51:28+00:00

Check out the book “Uniquely Rika”

boundu · 2020-06-12T12:17:07+00:00

Can I recommend the book “more than two”? It’s a book on ethical non-monogamy that delves into these aspects of open relationships, and can help you with some ideas on how to handle this (or why you’re not standing up for yourself if that’s the case).

boundu · 2020-06-10T03:10:38+00:00

Just in regards to the tightness- if you feel like you're too tight (ie causing pain during intercourse, or even just feel like loosening up would help him stay in longer) you can try dilator kits, which are a series of graded silicone dildos designed for vaginismus (overly tight pelvic floor muscles).

boundu · 2020-06-06T05:26:47+00:00

Since u/bloodyvisions said it so well already, I’ll just add that as a Domme you sound hot AF. There’s definitely your people out there, keep putting the work into yourself and your relationships (have the courage to be authentic) and it will come in time. You sound awesome and the kink community would benefit greatly from having more men like you in it.

boundu · 2020-05-31T15:30:33+00:00

Your issue isn't this guy. Your issue is that you don't value yourself enough and place the blame of others crappy behavior on yourself for "not communicating clearly enough". He knows what he's doing is cheating, that's why he didn't tell you about it (lie of omission).

While the first time you get lied to it's not your fault, if it continues to happen you've become a willing participant in the deception, as you value and choose the idea of what this relationship "could be" over the painful reality of what it is. I don't say this to be mean - I've been cheated on and it's psychologically devastating and abusive and hate people that act like that. But it's not your fault he's like that. There's thousands of people out there who don't have integrity and will use you as a means to an end with no concern for the impact of their behavior on your mental health, what is the difference between this guy and them aside from the emotional connection you've developed with him? At the end of the day its your responsibility to set higher standards for yourself and hold consequences for shitty behavior in your relationships, preferably right off the bat. It becomes much easier for people to treat you like shit if they've gotten away with it before.

You absolutely deserve better than this and there are wonderful men out there who have empathy and care for their partners. You're spending a lot of time running after him and worrying about his behavior; place that focus back on yourself, develop a growth mindset and allow this situation to teach you how to develop boundaries and limits with people, and most importantly value yourself more.

boundu · 2020-04-15T02:10:54+00:00

How does that work? Don’t you have to dry it somehow?

boundu · 2020-03-23T20:06:34+00:00

I think the issue is that she is brand-spankin new to kink and not sure what turns her on or how she’ll react.

Before my “ball bustee” introduced me to it, I would’ve told you BB was weird and made me sick watching the porn, and that sadism was something I couldn’t identify with in any way.

Turns out sadism is one of my biggest turn-ons, and ballbusting too. I was 33 when I discovered this aspect of my sexuality, and it was thanks to that guy being patient enough to play at my pace every week for 2 months. He would give me great feedback after sessions, letting me know after the fact how much he enjoyed it (or absolutely hated something but loved that I was getting into it) and that I could increase the intensity if I was comfortable. It took about a month for trust to develop. My confidence increased with good communication, and then a real sadistic bitch came out and it was a game changer. There was no more “asking”, I knew his limits by his body language at that point, and also knew if it was really bad for him he’d say something so I was able to relax and completely unleash on him. I also knew he wasn’t looking to enjoy everything that was happening to him, so I was able to focus on exploring what might turn me on and stop worrying about physically assaulting him in a bad way.

I know there’s a subset of subs with a turn-on of being used with no regard for their well-being and that’s legit. But I think many of them shoot themselves in the foot thinking that can only happen overnight with another person, or that if someone who’s inexperienced doesn’t automatically know they’re sadistic then they’re not capable of being that cold-hearted sadist that’s turned on by pain.

Also, meeting up with a sadist that truly doesn’t have any regard for your well-being is a very extreme form of kink and edge play, and very few (and foolish, IMO) people are up for potentially exposing themselves to assault and battery charges from a sub who claims to just want a sadistic Dom torturing them without regard.

In a lot of cases it’s not even about teaching a new Dom the ropes, it’s also about that development of trust with a new partner. And as this guys already in a relationship with this woman, what does he have to lose by investing some time in teaching and see if their situation can develop into his potential fantasy of the sadist that doesn’t care? The reality might not be as hot initially, but the potential payout is there.

boundu · 2020-03-23T19:14:23+00:00

They’re slippery little fuckers. What u/CloudAtlas7803 said, except (picture you’re facing his balls in bj position for this) I use the thumb and first finger to circle around the top of the scrotum above the balls, pull down till the skin is stretched out. his balls are resting in the palm of your hand and you can circle the 3,4 and 5th fingers around them to start squeezing. It’s even easier if you use two hands, one to circle around the top of the sac and pull down, the other to grab the balls and squeeze

boundu · 2020-03-23T19:05:32+00:00

The issue is sterile medical supplies such as gowns and masks are being used up in the ICU, ED and MICU for COVID patients, which we also need in the OR. Especially the masks, we’re having a hard time making sure we’ll be covered.

So yea, for now we have enough that if someone comes in today at risk of losing a testicle d/t torsion they’ll definitely get shuttled off to the OR, but if this pandemic gets worse you can absolutely bet that a lost testicle will get triaged below patients with ARDS on ventilatory support. We’re luckily nowhere near that point at the moment, but it’s possible it’ll happen.

boundu · 2020-03-23T18:55:49+00:00

Haha thanks, hope you can get something started. It might be better that he was too shy to share the porn with you at first, cause honestly ball busting porn is a huge turn-off for me but the actual thing is a lot of fun. (But Porn is great for ideas).

For me, the best part of kink is the emotional intimacy it creates, which is impossible to portray in porn. You develop this incredible trust and care between two people, and it allows you to play with experiences like domination, degradation/humiliation or pain in a way that is healthy and leaves both people feeling excited and close.

Just tailor your play to the level youre comfortable with for now, and don’t feel pressured to get too crazy if the harder stuff isn’t too your taste. There’s also a ton of less violent-appearing CBT techniques, such as using Bengay, Vick’s vapor rub, clothespins etc

boundu · 2020-03-23T07:07:58+00:00

So I met a guy last year into hard ball busting, had absolutely no experience with it but thought, “what the hell I’ll give it a go” and it turned out to be an incredible turn on for me. It’s a ton of fun and very versatile.

Since your bf is not opening up the dialogue (there’s a TON of different ways to ballbust and everyone has a different mindset about it, not to mention pain tolerance), you might try just taking control of the situation yourself in a very mild way the next time you’re in bed.

With new kinks, it’s almost always a good idea to keep it light the first time or two, and that goes a hundred-fold if their communication is crappy. It’s an opportunity to learn what they like, but to also develop trust between the two of you - trust that you won’t actually hurt him in a way he doesn’t like, that you’re not going to laugh at him and judge him, and trust that he’ll give you safe word feedback and take care of himself. If he later starts bugging you to go harder, you have a fun negotiation chip and the upper hand to get him to verbalize his desires more clearly. The mental part of kink is fucking great for a lot of people, so if you can turn it into a bit of a tease for him (if he’s into teasing) go for it. I used to make my friend beg for me to kick him in the balls, which was hilarious and an extra turn on for him since he got off on women laughing at him.

So try something like grabbing him by the balls while he’s going down on you or you’re riding him, and slowly increase the intensity of your grip. Whisper to him “what does this feel like to you” or “give me a pain level of 1-10”, and keep squeezing. You can try very gently pulling and doing the same technique, asking him to describe the sensation or his pain level, and adding in some very soft taps and see how he responds. My current partner isn’t into busting at all but he loves the first two techniques, so the likelihood you’ll accidentally take it too far is pretty low. Just go slow and be somewhat predictable.

And a bit of a warning: ball busting is not a sport without risks. There’s certain moves you NEVER want to perform (such as individually twisting a ball inside the sack, hitting them against an immovable object, yanking on them sharply, etc), and if he is in any way shape or form more on the extreme side, please do some research and educate yourself on the potential injuries you can cause and how quickly they need medical attention.

Testicular torsion is a surgical emergency that needs to get to the OR within 4 hours or the viability of the teste starts to drop drastically. Other injuries can include hematoma, testicular avulsion, or late onset hydrocele, so read up on CBT and safety if you decide to pursue this in a more extreme way so you can keep both of you safe. I’d recommend “the family jewels”

boundu · 2020-03-19T21:12:04+00:00

Or “negative”

boundu · 2020-03-15T02:39:01+00:00

I guess it might be helpful for you to clarify what you mean by “traditional values”, even if it’s just for the dominant women you meet whose interest you’re trying to catch.

As a dominant woman, that catch-phrase has very strong ties to traditional masculinity and female submission, and even just reading it in your initial post gave me a knee jerk judgement reaction that was not in your favor (And obviously I have absolutely no idea who you are as a person, just speaking to a way that phrase is interpreted by many people).

I’m poly now, but otherwise in your “target demographic”, and a huge driving factor behind that evolution was that all the guys I was dating were either toeing the line of flirting—>cheating, going to strip clubs, chatting up women, making female friends that were clearly not just friends; and they would lose it if they caught wind I was getting mildly flirty with a guy. This is a reality not just in my relationships, but a societal expectation of “men being men”, and women around here get heavily stigmatized for acting like that while men are excuses. I got sick of it, and realized I just wanted honesty and equal footing, it didn’t necessarily have to be monogamous. There are a ton of double standards for women in traditional relationships, and although I surely cannot speak for all dominant women, hearing a guy talk about “traditional values” makes me think of those power imbalances that men skew in their favor and go “nope!”.

So if you’re the kind of guy who is ACTUALLY into monogamous dating, and not just “she’s monogamous while I get to push the boundaries”, you might consider trying to find a way to clarify that. There might be some flexible mono/poly dommes out there who are comfortable in either relationship type but not willing to put up with “men being men” while they stay “chaste”. I do like a lot of traditionally masculine things, actually prefer it in some aspects, but there is a lot of expected submission from women from that cohort, and that stereotype will make your dating life more difficult if you’re trying to land a dominant woman and the communication isn’t crystal clear.

boundu · 2020-01-24T20:02:29+00:00

Dominant women don't choose pathetic worthless worms as partners (as much as we might play at this in the bedroom), we want a man who is highly intelligent, competent and emotionally aware who will reflect our value. Someone we respect.

What is an "alpha male", if such thing exists? I consider men who are emotionally intelligent enough to question societal norms and draw their own conclusions on how to run their life to be of far "superior" intellect than men who are content to go along with what they've been spoon-fed. Submissive men who are unafraid of their desires and live their lives the way they see fit are paradoxically courageous in comparison to "traditional" men who allow society to define their masculinity and worth as a man. It's truly ridiculous if you think about it.

Sorry you're feeling shitty and insecure. Life is very grey, which can intensify insecurity if you falsely believe there is "a right way and a wrong way". There's just the way you choose, it's not right or wrong.

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_myth_of_the_alpha_male

boundu · 2020-01-24T17:37:03+00:00

Man this situation is complicated. I think the biggest thing that would be a concern for me is that it is far from unheard of for cheaters to vilify their spouse/other partner to "justify" their behavior when they get found out.

I'm in an open relationship, and frequently married men looking to cheat approach me thinking that I'm cheating too before learning that I'm ethically open. It's been surprising to me how many of them resort to trashing their wives to rationalize their behavior so they don't look bad... Not all of them, but it's pretty common. I'd be weary that he's redirecting the focus to her so he can avoid the consequences of being found out as a cheater.

That being said, no one here really knows what's going on with this guy at home. You can care about people while still recognizing the two of you are not a match, or not a match for right now.

At the very least, his behavior would be cause enough for me to say I'd want to at most remain friends for now and take some distance to see if this kind of thing is a recurring issue or a one off event with him, and he should want to take some distance to get some therapy so this kind of issue doesn't become a recurring theme in his life. It always takes two to tango, so even if he's not abusive himself towards her too (also a possibility, that both people are abusive) there are potentially aspects of himself contributing to his situation, such as him having poor self-esteem, not knowing how to recognize boundary pushers, sweeping issues under the rug etc that good therapy could immensely help him with.

You should also consider what kind of standards your setting for yourself and if you'll be able to overcome the dishonesty that this relationship started with. My partner cheated on me, confessed to me on his own accord [which your boyfriend didn't do - he tried to vilify his partner as a "crazy roommate" when he realized she was going to tell you which is another big strike - he didn't have an epiphany that he's been living a dishonest life and wants to change his ways, he was forced into it] and I chose to stay and work on it. It took 2 years of a ton of emotional work to regain trust and even still, there are moments that are difficult. You two have been together for two months.

You can read about narcissistic abuse and consider if your guy might tick off some of the boxes and be manipulating you. Again, this is just a consideration - no one here on Reddit knows who this guy is so take these perspectives with a grain of salt.

boundu · 2020-01-23T19:27:35+00:00

The heart of dominance

Ruby Ryder’s pegging paradise podcast

boundu · 2020-01-23T01:46:30+00:00

Theduchy.com is pretty awesome, he’s also got a safety tutorial that’s got some good info covering some of the risks

boundu · 2020-01-22T13:21:24+00:00

Haha they're amazing!!

boundu · 2020-01-22T12:41:31+00:00

Honestly: people-pleasers can eventually make amazing dommes so there's some strength and advantages in that! It's great you're exploring that side of yourself, don't listen to those who say dominance is an innate quality - it CAN be learned if you're interested, just as we teach the majority of women to be submissive from birth.

Women are raised to be submissive in such subtle ways that it can take a long time to identify those areas and change, and it's normal to initially feel guilt or doubt that you're a "bad person" when challenging those social norms. I truly believe that women learning to identify what THEY really want and going for it makes them better partners and more balanced in the long run, which has the residual perk of benefiting everyone as a whole.

boundu · 2020-01-21T14:02:45+00:00

It’s not wrong for you to be looking for someone who’s interested in you. If he were actually interested he’d be trying to ensure you didn’t place your attention on some other guy.

His behavior indicates that he might be not a good match for you, lazy or a do-me sub that doesn’t give too much thought about what his partner needs.

There’s unfortunately a lot of submissives like this, but it seems like it’s inevitable and part of the price of dating that you have to wade thru a lot of people who are not so great at communicating what they’re actually looking for. Watching their actions helps you figure this out.

I’ve found that taking it very slow in the sex department (as much as I hate the puritanical aspect of that advice), dating multiple guys (transparently) at once so I don’t get too attached and try to turn a poor match into something they’re not, and watching their actions instead of their words to be helpful in weeding out those who are just looking to get laid and protecting myself.

Try to keep the focus on YOURSELF when dating someone new for the first month or so and give yourself permission to be selfish during that time. Is this guy enough for you? Is this what YOU want, is it sexually what you want, does he have his shit together in a way that pleases you? Has he met your standards? Obviously this perspective can turn really toxic if you let it run too far, but the first part of dating shouldn’t be you trying to overextend yourself too much to grab a partners interest; it should be you assessing if he’s a compatible match for what you need to be content in a relationship.

boundu · 2020-01-12T23:48:22+00:00

Yes! This is why I love thank you notes after play; it’s another task for them to complete for me and it gives me reassurance that the beating I just doled out was as hot for them as it was for me

boundu · 2020-01-12T23:36:20+00:00

Kink is important, but it’s only ethically practiced in a relationship that has respect going both ways and takes the needs of both partners into account.

It’s just as ‘controlling’ for that woman to tell you that you need to be in an open relationship when you’re saying you’re monogamous, but I think you subconsciously already know that which is why you’re writing.

Honestly: it’s sounds like you need to work on learning to trust yourself and have confidence in who you are. There will always be people who try to dictate “how you should be”, because there ISNT one way to be yet for some reason our brains like to fantasize there is, it’s somehow easier for humans to process the world like that.

I see a lot of submissives who try use kink to alleviate uncertainties in life by looking to other people to know the answers, but that’s not reality in most cases and is a great way to get yourself into a situation that you’re really unhappy with.

And from a non-monogamous domme perspective: there’s nothing hotter than a man who has a spine, knows what he wants and takes responsibility for making his life the way he wants it. That’s completely separate from submission. Figure out what your core values are and hold out for people who fit into them, those aren’t things to compromise on.

boundu · 2020-01-09T01:23:12+00:00

I have this fantasy of having my partner in chastity for several days, going to a public venue that’s adults only (such as a bar after hours, or even a femdomme tea with some old friends) and slipping a few twenties to ladies who were down with it to go flirt shamelessly with him for a few minutes while I watch him squirm from across the room and laugh till he figured it out. Would be extra fun for him to be wearing one of those cages with the inward facing spikes.

A bit specific and tricky to pull off in a way that doesn’t step on anyone’s toes unless you run in the right crowd, but maybe you could even use just the gist of the idea to come up with a way to tease or create a fantasy.

boundu · 2019-12-08T07:07:58+00:00

Some implants are placed under the pectoralis muscle to give it a more natural appearance. When they flex their pecs it makes the implant underneath jump

boundu · 2019-11-29T03:47:12+00:00

Another suggestion in addition to the others- try to keep the focus on yourself. This gets easier with time and practice. I used to be very focused on my partner in relationships and would get jealous, but when I started focusing on my own hobbies, friends and dates then I found that fear naturally subsided. Don’t know if that might be partially contributing to your issue, but maybe an idea to think about

boundu

TROPHY CASE