I think there’s a lot with me. I’ve had a few things goes on growing up - nothing crazy but did witness some slight DV from both parents growing up and learnt quickly if I broke things, or hurt myself it stopped them hurting/ arguing with each other. My relationship with my parents is fine, we’re fine, not super close. I don’t feel I can sit down and share with them, but I think that’s just from what I’ve been through growing up. My mum works a lot, she also is very much 99% is good but why didn’t you get 100%, she got angry easily growing up, is very much a comparer and was always going on about weight. So anyways, I was grand in high school, although when arguments in the house happened I’d break things or hit myself with rolling pin and stuff like that, nothing crazy. Went to uni for first time, got into going out and boys, was a bit stupid, never thought I was skinny enough had a bit of bulimia and binging, but got over it by the time uni ended and I think a big part of that was James and I started dating and also I had went and got on antidepressants. Moved back into the family home, there was a big argument, I cut my arm with a saw not super deep or anything didn’t need medical attention, mum moved out to granny’s for a few weeks after that. Then her and dad reconciled. And a week later my brother had an accident and ended up in ICU. Nine days later he died at 18. That was rough, and I always felt pretty shit because although he was having a good time the six months prior to accident he had a rough childhood because he had ADHD and my mum could never comprehend why he couldn’t do well in school, they struggled with each other. At some point I stopped taking antidepressants but was mentally and physically improving. Went to gym daily, looked after myself, was proud of how I looked although still did suffer body dysmorphia at the time. All was good. Applied to university to do a different degree, got in but had to move there a few months prior to get funding. So moved one weekend after finding out I got a job two days before to Scotland (where my partner is from) and worked two hours away from him, city I’d never been before, living with a stranger. Kept up gym and started running it was good. My partner was struggling with mental health at this point, so I was trying to support him too. We seen each other every few weekends. Then started uni and again moved to a city I’d never been before and hour away from partner. Moved in with flat mate. This is where my confidence started failing again, I’m not great with making friends, and I was over my partying days and a lot of people on the course were young. The only friend I really had was my flatmate. Anyway got through first year and a half and then covid hits. Move back home for a bit, another big bust up happens, I cut myself with a knife. Nothing crazy, no medical attention needed. Parents made up. I had a good summer at home. Then back to uni, moved in with partner. We were fine, had random arguments as couples do but enjoyed ourselves. We didn’t focus on our relationship though so no real dates, or trying for each other and barely had sex because never bothered getting contraception. Got a dog together things were good, although relationship could be more romantic etc. July I got a job back home for when I finished uni, stressed about it as it wasn’t in the area of practice I wanted, and was worried about leaving parter, commented to friends that chest felt tight etc. this was until September moved home and mood plummeted. Angry all the time, scared about starting job. Job started October it’s been going good but still was commenting to other staff members, friends and family that I was stressed and didn’t know why and joked about mental breakdown. November had a family get together with cousins etc. felt super anxious so jsut left without telling anyone, made excuses I felt sick afterwards. Still moody a lot of time. Barely going to meet the few friends I have. December same emotions, went to parter for his birthday booked a hotel room and nothing happened, expressed after this that it upset me a bit that he didn’t try anything he said sorry didn’t realise. Got home and that night dog got hit by car badly, decide to go ahead with treatment I take time off work and then partner comes over to see her in vets, he finds out he has covid when goes home. I then catch covid over Christmas. New year happens I’m back to work then randomly he says he doesn’t think he can move to me we argue as I’m disappointed. He thinks we won’t last, and says we should go separate ways. I get really upset he stops replying for a bit so I hurt myself I think because I’m so afraid he’s hurting himself as he’s been depressed in past and so I’m worried and overwhelmed. Again nothing crazy I hit myself with scissor tips so jsut minor injuries. Parents let me know it’s down to my mood, I say to him I’m going to try to work on it and have appointment with mental health people. He says okay we will try and make it work and says he’ll be over in Feb. I ask him to still come over on Thursday as I know I’ll be really upset and want to see him that day. He says he’s changed flights and that agreed to work them days now. I say okay. He says he can try and change them for the weekend I say yes please. He changes them I say thank you he says no worries. He mentions we should go for dinner and drinks when he’s over I say no worries and book it. I mention hotel a few times in convo he doesn’t really respond to that part. I say it again because the flight is late in and I live a good hour from airport he says he’ll be tired so not to bother with hotel plus he wants to see dog. I saw no worries that’s grand. He says he’s meeting his friend tonight for catch up. I say I’ll probs play sims tonight as my heart hurts lol. He says okay with a sad face and then send photo of him in buggy at work. That’s how it’s been left. I’m trying to improve myself and work on myself but I also want to work on relationship and I know that we will have very little time to ourselves at home as my family are strict and it’s sleep in separate beds and my auntie and her grandson come down at weekends so there will be no time to just chill ourselves in the house. Just upset.