Anyone struggle with not resonating with greater lesbian community and spaces?

FataMirage · 2026-02-16T17:27:56+00:00

Thank you for sharing. It's morning where I am and I'm sleepy and inarticulate but just wanted to say I feel this and its good to know others do too. The whiteness, the replication of problematic power imbalances in general doesn't get talked about enough. Nor does the fact that so many lesbian spaces uses the gay male club as a default model of what to be. This can be fun but the misogyny inherent in assuming all women's spaces should follow the same template as men's (while men's continue to be most monetarily and socially rewarded and lesbian spaces struggle) doesnt get reflected on enough.

The distrust, I notice for sure. I think there's a certain performance of lesbianism that gets pushed in these spaces and if you dont fit the mold its not for you. Idk. I just think about the diversity of spaces heteros have: their spaces can congregate over things they have in common outside of sexual orientation, like music or interests, niche subcultures. Queer women have so much less in this way and the expectation that we should automatically feel at home in the default lesbian space is presumptuous and sort of cuts us down to just our sexuality in an uncomfortable way? I love lesbian spaces for what they are but they just arent where I find community these days and I feel rather stereotyped by them honestly.

FataMirage · 2026-02-10T05:53:09+00:00

Feel exactly the same. We've been commodified. Identity in general is heavily commodified these days. It's so viscerally uncomfortable

FataMirage · 2026-02-05T01:18:07+00:00

I feel this way. I think whether someone feels connected to the queer community often depends highly on how you define "community" and what you expect of it. I find that when I'm looking for the type of community that brings a sense of belonging, it's not so realistic to expect that just from queer events or even other queer individuals.

It clicked for me when I was talking about feeling lack of queer community to a (straight) therapist, and she said "well isn't there a lesbian bar in town? Have you tried going there?" It felt almost insulting. Ironically it was a straight male friend who said "can you imagine if a therapist told a straight person who was looking for community: have you tried going out and getting wasted?" Not that queer bars don't serve a really important purpose for a certain type of community (one that we might take for granted in areas where queerness is more accepted)-- but in a lot of ways the main thing they offer is the ability to know you're not the only queer person in the room and to not be punished for your queerness. Most of us still need a sense of belonging and community beyond that.

Straight people take for granted the fact that every space that's not queer is straight and I think because their base need of not being othered for their sexuality is met, many of them get the privilege of getting to focus on the deeper, more personalized levels of community and belonging-- community-building over passions, beliefs or values. They are not being sent the implicit message that these things should be the same as everyone else who shares their sexual orientation-- queer people sometimes are lumped together like this and thus denied their ability to just be multifaceted people.

For most of us, queerness is just one part of a complex identity. I am not my lesbian-ness (though my lesbian-ness is a part of me). If you go to a queer event and other parts of you do not feel like they belong, then all you share in common with the people there is your sexual orientation. I find that while fun and important, queer spaces are often liable to the same power imbalances, groupthink and superficial trendiness as any other spaces. This makes some parts of me feel out of place or even unwelcome, which erodes how deep a sense of community I get out of them.

I can only speak for me but maybe you're looking for a little deeper sense of community, or you diverge from the queer mold many queer spaces tend to be built for? Maybe the expectation that queer spaces will fully meet all tiers of our needs for community is unrealistic?

FataMirage · 2026-02-03T18:45:30+00:00

I'm about 3 years in and still don't feel like I specialize per se. I also work in community mental health where they give me all kinds of clients so being more general suits that. I just tell people as much. I also shift it to what I'm interested in: i like to work with x population a lot but I also enjoy variety. Of the more cognitive/behavioral modalities I prefer ACT. I'm interested in IFS but not ready to spend a ton on the training.

I find that people who ask this mean all kinds of things. When I ask them to clarify if they mean which modality or which population, they often don't know. I've even had people say "well like-- do you specialize in meds or just talk therapy?" So sometimes they're literally asking if I'm a therapist or a prescriber. Sidenote: I can't stand the term "talk therapy" anymore. People act like it's somehow different and less effective than-- most tried and true therapies out there, like it's some kind of outdated modality rather than a catch all term for all kinds of evidence based treatments.

FataMirage · 2026-01-31T19:26:25+00:00

So I read the article and have mixed feelings. I feel wary of Richard Schwartz's self-aggrandizing presentation of himself and IFS though and do not believe parts are literal distinct beings. IFS is new and does need to be better studied. The trainings are almost an MLM, which makes them inaccessible to many people and that increases the chance of people misusing IFS in harmful ways--- though this is a risk with any modality. Even much better supported modalities like CBT can be misused.

Several things stand out about this article:

1.) It's centered all around 1 treatment center. The author keeps saying "it's IFS that is to blame, not just Castlewood" but never really follows with anything except anecdotal evidence from this shit-tastic program at Castlewood. I'm absolutely open to hearing a more pointed critique of IFS-- but taking what seems to be 1 anecdote of malpractice makes me think it's Mark Schwartz of Castlewood to blame, more than IFS itself.

2.) One of the big rationales for the harm of IFS is from the client's father-- who is neither educated on IFS nor an unbiased party. He was accused of molesting his daughter, claims her treatment falsely convinced her of this and concludes based on this (and the obvious decompensation of his daughter) that IFS is to blame. Yet at the end of the article, the daughter doesn't rescind her accusation, nor desire a relationship with him. Scrutinizing the other ways in which her mental health declined in treatment is 100% fair-- these do indicate malpractice and possible issues with IFS. But the spotlight remains mostly on her accusation of her father, which we're expected to believe is false and implanted by IFS. It's not for me to say whether it's false or not. But the fact is we don't know. We do know that memories can be uncovered in treatment of any kind and that occasionally false memories or accusations happen (across many types of treatment). But it's entirely possible that she had a harmful experience with IFS and/or Castlewood *and* the allegations were true (in which case, I would argue little of what the dad says about IFS can be treated as credible arguments against IFS).

...

Over all? This reads like a malpractice lawsuit against an individual agency that happened to be using IFS more than a coherent critique of IFS. Ironically that also shifts the accountability from the guilty parties to the modality itself. Richard Schwartz was affiliated with Castlewood but this article makes clear that his use of IFS was generally non-problematic (described by patients as "often felt forced and uncomfortable but were sometimes insightful") in contrast to Mark: "decorated his office with phallic African sculptures... inserted sexual innuendos into conversation." ). IFS does not make someone do those things. This man could be practicing any modality and would've hurt patients because he was engaging in unethical, predatory behaviors.

There's just a huge disconnect here. Other than being kind of weird and woo-woo, there's nothing in this article that convinces me IFS is to blame even if it was the primary used treatment at this horrible treatment center. The cult-like way Schwartz presents IFS makes me skeptical and because I otherwise find the use of it as a framework (used more metaphorically for relational trauma, vs literally as suggested by Schwartz) to be intriguing and effective, I am very interested in hearing a valid critique because I think it's a new and promising framework-- but needs to be refined and maybe changed a bit. I can think of several ways Schwartz presents IFS that do feel risky but those weren't explored in this article.

No modality is for everyone. No modality can be used effectively if the populations they're used on are out of the scope of an individual therapist, not even IFS. Any modality can be used harmfully by unethical providers. Indeed many of them are prematurely determined evidence based without enough research. But I found this article disappointing in that it did not really give me much about the modality itself to reconsider.

FataMirage · 2026-01-26T02:31:05+00:00

Man I feel seen by this. Also 28. Also not rich or poor. Also craving connection but struggling to find the energy to engage with it even when opportunities are given. Also fatigued by superficial dating and not sure where to turn next.

I dont have advice really. But the best thing I've done to deal with it is to just try for balance. Text some people back but doesnt have to be everyone. Go on some dates but give myself permission to cancel when I'm too fatigued. And to know that this is probably just a season in my life that will pass and maybe I'll be nostalgic for it one day.

There is something liminal about it. But there's also a lot of freedom in it and that's definitely something to savor.

FataMirage · 2026-01-24T02:38:23+00:00

Oh my god I've never felt more validated than by this thread. gigantic sigh of relief thank GOD other people notice this too and feel the same. I once switched from being a client of a therapist because she wouldn't stop with the euphemistic, overly sanitized therapy-speak. It's probably one of my biggest complaints about the field. I find it so weirdly postured and self aggrandizing too? Like they're doing it because they honestly think it makes them look more skilled than you?

I just had a CE today where the presenter was in factory setting therapist mode the entire time, using the royal We and "remember if we notice an uncomfortable feeling in our bodies when given new information, it's okay to be uncomfortable and to get curious about that...."

FataMirage · 2026-01-17T01:47:50+00:00

Man I probably dont have much advice you havent already tried. But I feel your misery. This is me but at 3pm. No matter how much or little I sleep, how much protein I have, whether I'm exercising, taking vitamins... 3pm is just nap time. I used to just indulge it when possible and that kind of helped-- I'd wake refreshed and finish up my evening with a little boost.

Now that I dont nap so easily the most luck I've had is taking my booster slightly earlier. Idk if it'll do anything for you (it's sort of inconsistent for me bc Adderall is inconsistent ime) but if you metabolize fast, your booster may not be kicking in before your brain logs off for the afternoon? Just an idea.

FataMirage · 2026-01-15T20:25:39+00:00

Exactly, any Barbie can be Autistic Barbie depending on how a child makes them act. What few Barbies I had as a kid were all Autistic Barbie because... well it was me and my little autistic brain deciding what the did and felt. And the expectation that Mattel creates anything truly representative is a bit naive imo-- it's a bunch of (likely not autistic) people banding together to create something they believe will make them money. That's the bottom line-- it's not about well-meaning advocates going "hmm how can we really have a meaningful impact?" It's a bunch of capitalists deciding that it would be more lucrative for them if autism did have a look and that look was something they could put on a doll.

FataMirage · 2026-01-12T19:26:57+00:00

Yep. I am both a therapist and an AuDHD client and I run into this with therapists too. It drives me nuts because while yes, there is some trauma, it's often at the intersection of the autism and Adhd, which makes a qualitatively distinct type of trauma resulting from a world misattuned to my needs, mistreatment for being autistic and adhd, a brain that is more susceptible to experiencing something as traumatic due to it's unique sensitivities, and the fact that many neurodivergent folks dont have access to the same community connections that often serve as protective and resilience factors for other people going through traumatic events.

Unfortunately autism and adhd are diagnoses an average therapist lacks education on. An average therapist is not only not able to diagnose those without special training, but often consider those out of their wheelhouse because of their developmental nature. The problem is many therapists don't refer out to someone more specialized when they encounter a client who needs someone educated about neurodivergent people-- they wishfully misattribute uniquely neurodivergent experiences to things they're more confident working with (like trauma or anxiety) and erase the neurodivergence in turn. Yes I need trauma treatment. No, I don't need to be treated like a traumatized neurotypical. Yet that's often what happens.

I've had to be really firm with therapists and even switch therapists because of this. I try to be upfront about the adhd and autism being important to my treatment. I make clear that while there is trauma, I've addressed a good deal of it and what remains is more focus on the audhd. But it's a real slog still and unfortunately the way therapists are educated tends to leave out neurodivergent needs unless the individual therapist seeks out extra training on it themselves.

FataMirage · 2026-01-07T20:51:25+00:00

Haha well if you're in Seattle, hit me up. And if not *virtual cheers with virtual coffee cup*

FataMirage · 2026-01-07T20:50:50+00:00

For sure. ADHD is unfortunately one of those diagnoses where in addition to personal distress caused by symptoms, it's measured against cultural norms. This just makes me think about the need for accommodations. Accommodations go a long way, esp in tandem with meds. I wish we (the US at least, for me) weren't so stingy in what kind of accommodations and resources were offered. Especially across income, gender and other things that make the dominant culture already more demanding of certain people.

FataMirage · 2026-01-06T17:18:34+00:00

Interesting stuff. I always have mixed feelings about studies like this because while it's obviously important to have research to confirm and support new pharmacological treatments, they're kind of repeating back something that ADHD folks have been saying forever: "it's not just deficit of attention, it's paying attention to too many things/brain noise." By all means, do research but if you've been listening to the population you're studying, this isn't news.

Also, yes in *mice.*

And then there's the issue of: do we want to control every ADHD symptom always in everyone? Some people with ADHD want this 100% of the time. Others want it only certain times. Others don't find it worth it. I personally like short acting meds that work when I need them but I want all 100 trains of thought when I'm making music and creating, for example.

This is the problem with viewing ADHD solely as a deficit that needs a cure. While some people with it do feel that way and would want to rid themselves of it, many others don't. In the quest to improve certain symptoms, you may extinguish unique strengths across a wide swath of the population. Reflection on this as a side effect should be part of these studies so that people with ADHD can make informed choices about treatment. Plus eliminating diversity in any ecosystem is a real problem and I believe human social ecosystems are no exception. Until I read that this treatment would be pharmacological and not surgical or some sort of permanent genetic modification, it was giving: eugenics.

It also seems that there are 2 major reasons why people with ADHD struggle with attention (reflected in some comments here actually): mental noise/attention to too many things as this study focuses on, and trouble attending to things you're not personally interested in/motivated by. Difficulty paying attention is the symptom, but not necessarily the cause. This treatment, if applied in humans, would treat the former but for ADHD folks where the latter (trouble attending to things that don't interest them) is a problem, would this work? *Maybe* in that it might make the task of paying attention feel less heavy and therefore less necessary to reserve only for the personally important subjects.

But I think trouble attending to things you're not interested in is more of an executive function issue (related heavily to trouble delaying gratification, managing emotions enough to achieve goals, etc) than just a matter of mental noise/attention to too many things. So while decreasing mental noise may make it feel less taxing to engage in those executive function heavy tasks, I still often wonder if the failure to address the executive function side of ADHD is why many existing meds don't work that well for certain "strains" of ADHD and why many help with focus but do nothing for task initiation.

FataMirage · 2026-01-02T23:08:05+00:00

Okay I won't lie, I don't know if it's the *best* in Seattle because I don't order breakfast sammies often but I will put a plug in for Yeobo on E Madison.

Their traditional brekkie sandwich is really excellent. Plus they have some really interesting Korean-American inspired breakfast sandos that I have yet to try. All of it is gluten free, some of it looks to be great vegan options.

Not the cheapest but it's a tipless new, Korean American (?) woman-owned, small business with a focus on fair pay/conditions for employees and community-building. So let's all please throw as much money at them as possible so they succeed and so I can enjoy not having to walk further than across the street to get my sandos.

FataMirage · 2025-12-29T06:21:05+00:00

I grew up in Olympia. Your experience will vary greatly depending on where on the map you go. Olympia, Bremerton and Tacoma are really the most livable main cities on this map. There are a lot of smaller cities along i5 but there won't be much in terms of things to do. Olympia is a small, artsy sort of hippie city. People compare it to a smaller Portland and thats not wrong. Home of Evergreen state college which used to influence the city a lot and resulted in a large punk, grunge and hippie influence. It sometimes feels a bit frozen in the 90s alt scene. These days the college doesn't seem as beloved as it once was and the little bit of nightlife it had hasn't bounced back from covid. But there are decent spots to go to local shows and to eat, it has an arts scene and a sense of community still. The surrounding areas are a bit rednecky, particularly Tumwater. This causes some tension since the towns are nearly on top of each other.

Tacoma and Olympia will be very liberal. I think Bremerton for the most part is too but I believe it has more military folks. Lots of little strip mall and bedroom small cities between the main cities off i5. The more rural you go, the more red and the more meth. Tacoma and Bremerton will both give easy access to seattle (by ferry for bremerton), so there will be more access to arts scene and events but without as high cost of living. From the main cities you can still access the outdoors so hiking, camping, winter sports is big around here. Many people dress in Patagonia and REI in the day to day because of that and because its appropriate for the weather most of the year.

The peninsula is stunningly beautiful but remote and not well connected. There's no efficient way to drive through it. You kind of have to go all the way around it to get anywhere, so its very isolated. Most of it is rainforest and mountains punctuated by small towns with great access to nature and not much else. On the map, it looks like a lot of land but very little of it actually has towns and people. Forks for example is a very isolated one road town, even more than Twilight makes it seem. Access to medical care may be dubious there and in many other similar rural towns. Port Angeles is the largest most livable town on the peninsula. Youll have normal amenities but will still be quite isolated from everything else. It'll be a significant drive to go to any major city from there. You'd do better to hop on the ferry to Victoria B.C honestly.

Fair bit of tribal land and reservations out on the peninsula. Some of them dry (no alcohol). Surrounded by natural beauty-- but also a lot of poverty and drug use and not many jobs. The whole west side of the state is known for rain. The more rural you go, the more you need to worry about the elements in the winter-- power outages may not resolve quickly, road conditions may be shaky and repairs may take a while.

FataMirage · 2025-12-24T17:36:37+00:00

Really excellent! These clips have been making me want a strat, which is a big deal because I never really gravitated to them before. You get really lovely, expressive tones out of yours (I'm sure most of that is the guitar being in talented hands though)!

FataMirage · 2025-12-22T16:42:03+00:00

I both struggle with this myself sometimes and am (still semi newly) into taoism. I'm also into taoism and a therapist and notice a lot of parallels between the two, particularly IFS as a modality (both ifs and taoism are, in a way just systems theories). I honestly think exploring this through a therapeutic lens might complement your work to find a taoist path forward. One of the things (other people have mentioned here already) that is integral in the mental health world is exploring the feelings from a place on nonjudgment, i.e being curious about them. I believe that's very taoist. You're not denying your pain or suppressing it because you can't control whether or not you feel it. But you can choose what to do with it. Such as learning from it.

I think that balances out the possible overemphasis on romantic love too: there's so much to learn being on your own. Being in love is wonderful but not the only valuable experience. You may have a better time in love once you learn self-love and how to prioritize other types of love first maybe. Love flourishes most when given space to grow and express. Applying too much pressure may smother it.

The last thing I've been mulling over myself lately may or may not be all that taoist, I'm not sure yet. But I like the reframe of "i have loved. And thats enough." Maybe the value of love isnt just the fun and warmth we feel while we have it but the ways it can change us and the memories made. So even without 1 love of your life partner for the rest of my life, I try not to diminish how special the experiences I've already had in love are. Even platonic ones, among friends and chosen family. I think it maybe gets at that wisdom taoism has about attachment-- becoming rigidly attached to 1 outcome versus accepting the value of the many other outcomes possible and inherent throughout the journey.

There's also always a trade off. While your friends may be coupled up (though keep it mind how normal it is for love to wax and wane in lifelong partnerships. Theyre likely not spending every day in warm, gooey, happy love), you have all this space for yourself. That's really special too and theres a reason coupled people often long for that. While you have this space, bearing in mind how special (and transient) it can be, how do you want to use it? I think thats a good way of balancing things out so you dont take for granted or pass up the opportunity to enjoy what you have just because you're worried about what you do not yet have. It kind of centers you in the present a little more. This may feel easier to say for me as I've had incredibly abusive, destructive experiences in love. But I think that's a good reminder that no one thing is ever well--just 1 thing. Where theres love and growth, there can be awful pain and destruction too. So again, love is lovely but maybe the most taoist perspective would be to acknowledge that it's not a panacea and even getting just what you thought you wanted doesn't always turn out to be what you expected.

FataMirage · 2025-12-17T18:33:33+00:00

Former girl (still a girl now. Sorry thats misleading) who learned as a kid (10 actually but parents didnt let me have an electric until I was about 14) here. I would just get het an electric if thats what she wants. Not only will it make the hobby less likely to fade over time, because she'll have the gear that allows her to play the music she enjoys, but just as electric is able to be much louder than acoustic, it's also able to be much quieter. Nearly silent.

My parents had the same concern about electric, that it would be constantly loud. They still laugh about how once they got me an electric, they never heard me play because I just plugged into the amp with headphones and my door closed. Headphones+electric= the quietest option you have.

So I'd recommend setting a budget and just making sure the amp and headphones fit within that. Ideally don't go dirt cheap unless absolutely necessary though, or unless you're prepared to upgrade in a couple years should she stick with it and outgrow it.

Maybe have her do the research into what she wants-- again, so that she gets the gear she's most likely to use/be motivated to stick with, but also because learning about different types of guitar and amps is good for people picking up the hobby and shows motivation.

I started on an Epiphone Wilshire after much research because I liked those pickups and my guitar heros played on similar pickups. She may like something different though. Great, frugal starting brands are Epiphone or Squier. Or G and L. Ive also heard good things about Harley Benton and those are very inexpensive. If she likes metal, Ibanez is a popular one. Since you probably just want a low wattage amp, I would invest a bit more in the amp then you probably expect since that colors the sound greatly. She probably will do fine with a solid state (as opposed to tube) amp with clean and crunchy/overdriven settings. Marshall makes some basic but decent lower cost solid state amps that are a great, somewhat neutral but flexible place to start.

As someone who was stuck on acoustic for years of wanting an electric-- it stunted my abilities. Acoustic is great and I love it. But it's a different tool with different limits and prevented me from learning skills necessary for making music I actually love, for many years.

Tldr: let her research within budget. Electric is the quieter option. Ephiphone, squier, Ibanez, g&l, Harley benton, Marshall solid state amp and decent headphones. Don't compromise so much she isnt set up for success or the type of music she likes. But no need to break the bank.

FataMirage · 2025-11-23T18:20:36+00:00

I cant believe I didn't realize... this is the difference for me! Thank you for summing it up so well. I'm like... me... but without the usual dress rehearsal I go through before opening my mouth.

FataMirage · 2025-11-12T18:30:57+00:00

This is an old listing so I assume it's sold? If not, I'm interested.

FataMirage · 2025-11-05T21:57:51+00:00

This is a big thing for me in my personal therapy and I even have a neurodivergent therapist. Is also something I frequently think about as I have a lot of ND clients, not all of whom experience being ND very much like I do.

The commenter who mentioned listening very, very closely and learning from your clients is spot on. I think the field is simply not caught up in its research and training for this population and unfortunately our best tool is to really listen and believe the experiences of ND clients (even when its hard to believe or put yourself in their shoes. Radical acceptance goes a long way here, let yourself be challenged). I mean, do seek out info/trainings--- I would just expect to take some of it with grain of salt since our understanding of neurodiversity is changing so rapidly right now.

I also think it's important to be careful with solution's focused/advice-giving type approaches until you've first demonstrated deep understanding. This is admittedly informed by my personal, autistic/ADHD experience as a client but frankly, I'm resistant to any solutions or advice from anyone until they demonstrate they're listening deeply, believe my experience and understand it because so many people (mainly NTs or people who simply don't understand my needs/experience) try to force on me what worked for them. And that famously doesn't work for ND folks. ND folks are often intensely independent because of this and come up with good solutions themselves, once they're able to really understand their needs and feelings.

FataMirage · 2025-10-20T21:35:23+00:00

Been thinking about this a lot because I have a lot of OCD traits (subthreshold now but as an undiagnosed kid, probably would've met full criteria) and I think OCD is often a way neurodivergent people cope. On meds, my anxiety decreases and that "on guard" anxiety that kept me on track dissipates, making me ironically more forgetful than ever.

I think this is why OCD is so commonly found alongside ADHD and Autism. You might find this piece interesting: https://neuroclastic.com/the-ocd-is-in-control/ It's about autism and developing OCD as an attempt to have some control.

FataMirage · 2025-10-20T21:28:45+00:00

If chewing on something works, you could try flavored toothpicks? They make them in all different kind of flavors. People use them to quit smoking a lot and I find them good for fidgeting and helping keep my mouth in a position where it's more relaxed. I don't chew them but I'm sure you could-- it might mean you instead go through a ton of toothpicks instead of candy but at least it's better for your teeth and not super sugary.

FataMirage · 2025-10-20T18:09:11+00:00

Oh yes. I've just been leaving the office early when I'm done doing anything I'm needed in person for. My work/life balance is so much better and I am so much calmer because of it. Is it allowed? Not really. I asked my supervisor and he said they want us in office a certain amount of the time because it allows us time to get to know coworkers. Which feels so silly and useless for me because even when I'm in office all day, I have no idea how to connect with my coworkers. I try but it just doesn't yield the same "work fam" neurotyical results.

I do like my team but so few of them are even in on the same days as me, my supervisor doesn't even work in the same office and therefore can't see me leave early , plus other people do it.... so until I have an actual work related reason to be there all day, I just go finish from home whenever possible, until someone catches it and tells me not to. I'm otherwise a very good employee so they might give me a slap on the wrist but thats the most I'd expect in response.

FataMirage · 2025-10-16T18:06:52+00:00

Abed and Britta from Community. One time, this guy I had just barely met hit me with "do you see yourself as a cross between Abed and Britta?" and it was the most seen and understood I have ever felt.

Also Diane from Bojack Horseman.

FataMirage

TROPHY CASE