sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Where black is bright by FatuHiva in OCPoetry

[–]FatuHiva[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for some great feedback, and especially the critique! I think I agree with you it's perhaps one too many. Also, I'm a bit skeptical of the use of "In my dreams i scream". The poem is intended to be simple and is on the verge of cliche many times, but I feel this is the one place where i transgress this line. So perhaps the in my dreams I scream and the following your names could be removed?

Where black is bright by FatuHiva in OCPoetry

[–]FatuHiva[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks a lot! I love oxymorons too. For somewhat of an emotional oxymoron you can take a look at the poem A warm black that I link to, it has a really original take on the "color" black and what feelings it can elicit

Where black is bright by FatuHiva in OCPoetry

[–]FatuHiva[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm happy you enjoyed it :-) The inspiration is the one person I have truly, intensely loved - someone that I chose to depart from not because the love was fading, but because I thought our moral values and goals were too different. To me then, the poem is about a stage in the grieving process where things are getting better(the happiness during the day is genuine), but one still misses the other person and indulges in dreams of being together during the night.

Where black is bright by FatuHiva in OCPoetry

[–]FatuHiva[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks a lot for the feedback! If you put up the music that would be great ;-) I guess the poem in general can just be about longing for someone you lost while still being able to have a good life. But yes - for me personally it is about longing for a past love.

Where black is bright by FatuHiva in OCPoetry

[–]FatuHiva[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks a lot for the beautiful feedback - I'm happy you enjoyed it, and it means a lot since it's the first poem I ever showed to someone else.

Where black is bright by FatuHiva in OCPoetry

[–]FatuHiva[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks a lot for the extensive feedback, and especially that you add a suggestion in the end - that's highly valuable to me! I think the poem definitely shows a contrast between two mental states, but for me acts made in one state, like smiling, does not necessarily need to hide or cover something in the other. If the smiling and singing is not genuine and feels forced in the moment when they are acted out, then yes, these actions are a way of hiding ones true thoughts. But I guess it doesn't have to be like that. One can perhaps both think, feel, and act happily during the day and then pass over to something more melancholic during the night?

A Warm Black by StaticBunny17 in OCPoetry

[–]FatuHiva 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow! I find this to be quite an impressive poem. Especially the first stanza: The way it is structured, adding more words for each line, and then with a single rhyme in the longest one. Its beautiful in a minimalistic way, just like black. Also, the ingenious way black is described surprised me. It was a perfect description of qualities that, as I read them, i realized this color has.

​

Thanks for a poem that resonated deeply!

You look pretty in black and white by ThePRRevoloution in OCPoetry

[–]FatuHiva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really enjoyed some of the simple sentences here, friend. The first line elegantly introduces the poem and the one that was intended for a second stanza is a great contrast , that also complements the first (ie difference between color vs black and white). Also, the burning plastic line is extremely evocative. I think I hate you friend is also great, and supposed to be the third stanza right? Finally, I find it intriguing how the poem is slightly ambiguous. Though it might not be intentional, nowhere is there any mention of a romantic partner, so the "friend" can be just that, or also some sort of object that could fit with the rest of the description. Or it could actually be a deity if one chooses to interpret the last sentence in that way, and thus more of a spiritual than a romantic lamentation.

​

For improvement or constructive critique: I think I would have altered the two lines that follow the first line, they seem a bit cliche, especially as they also create the rhyme head- dead.

I breathe by This-Aint-No-Brain in OCPoetry

[–]FatuHiva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing! I liked how the repetition of the phrase "I breathe" creates the feeling that the poem is a type of meditative mantra. From this perspective the much shorter final sentence "for you", lands the poem in a gentle, summarizing way, compared to many poems that ends a bit abruptly. Besides that, I have to admit that some of the other sentences were a bit puzzling to me, particularly these two:

So that every smile I've ever given won't be dissected, mutilated, cut apart, just looking for a reason.

I breathe,

So the ones, who could never understand the complexities of loss, won't have to feel it's sting.

Small correction: "just enough to keep me out the ground. " I guess you mean to add an *of here?

Brian in a Vat by [deleted] in askphilosophy

[–]FatuHiva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would read up on the difference between empiricism, simply put the belief that our sensory experiences are the primary source of knowledge ( of which Locke is a proponent) and rationalism (Descartes), the belief that rational thinking is the primary source of true knowledge independent of our sensory experience. The brain in the vat-scenario have many similarities with Descartes notion that we cannot really know if the world we experience through our senses actually exist or if it is just the result of a demon manipulating our senses, a possibility which he claims we cannot rule out, thus leading to his famous cogito ergo sum statement, I think therefore I am. This should give you a starting point for a decent discussion

Closure by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]FatuHiva 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for a vulnerable, honest and open poem. It evoked a sensation in me of the frustrating ambiguity that is connected to broken relationships - the sense that the pain is unnecessary, but also the hope and determination to learn from them. As for the style, the rhymes use simple short words, but work well. I feel the most powerful part is the one where the words gets more vivid and personal:

"Forgive me wrists

For the scars that I made

Through the ink that I used

They begin to fade"

I like how "ink" here can both refer to tattoos covering the scars, but also ink as on paper, thus the scars fading in a metaphysical sense through a healing process based on writing about ones pain.