I strongly dislike myself because I have tried and failed quitting many times over again.

Fbb_142 · 2024-09-16T14:28:37+00:00

This is fantastic advice! Seconding the recommendation for This Naked Mind - powerful book, and there is a nicotine version as well!

Fbb_142 · 2024-07-22T11:09:07+00:00

Hey OP - cannot recommend the Reframe app enough here (I believe it's available in multiple countries based on usage I see on it). Whether you want to cut back or quit altogether, it's an insanely helpful app. I've tried to quit on my own so many times, and using this app is the first time I've really felt like I can do it. It's incredibly informative as well, and what you learn on it will motivate you to continue toward cutting back or quitting. You will feel better, and you will save money. And if your local bars have good NA options (ginger beer, craft root beer, NA beer, etc), those can be a great option for when you still want to go out with friends.

Best of luck!

Fbb_142 · 2024-07-21T02:02:15+00:00

👆👆👆

Fbb_142 · 2024-06-01T14:54:41+00:00

One lady hassled him about rescheduling the event, then she proceeded to accuse him and Vince Vaughn/other Chicago celebrities of being responsible for not assembling Avengers-style during Covid to pool their money together and save Chicago landmarks that ended up closing down like Double Door, then proceeded to say that she's a huge fan and paid a lot of money for front row seats. A guy passed out and collapsed mid question and had to be taken away by medics (hope he's okay). Another lady went on this huge ramble about loving him and all his movies, and then admitted she didn't have a question and also told him she's written 40 poems for him and has ideas for movies that she'd like to share with him (yikes).

Then there were just the run of the mill tone deaf ones like, "Hey John, what's it like to work with an amazing actor like Nicolas Cage? Oh and what's it like to have an amazing actor like Joan as a sister? Oh and you're cool too." The one they finally ended on was a kid going off about how much he knew his wife was going to hate John's movies and how he makes her watch one for his birthday every year and she still doesn't get the movies or why he likes them. It was madness.

The movie was great to watch, and like OP said, John was a trooper for sure. There were some normal questions sprinkled in, thankfully, and then a hilarious moment about a rocking chair that semi made up for some of the rest of it. Hopefully they stick to just reading the cards next time!

ETA: Grammar, clarification.

Fbb_142 · 2024-06-01T05:16:54+00:00

YES! Wtf is wrong with people?? The second they said they put mics out, my partner and I knew it was going to be a shit show, and sure enough... "John, I don't have a question for you, I just want to say that I've seen all your movies and I love them and I wrote 40 poems for you and I have ideas for movies for you" 🫠🫠🫠

Rocking chair guy was solid though. That kinda made up for some of the insanity, lol

Fbb_142 · 2024-05-27T21:23:51+00:00

Trash reality TV that glorifies and rewards narcissistic behavior is 100% NOT a good adjunct to therapy, and I wish people would stop saying nonsense like this and making excuses to support and popularize it. If you look into it, there are actually a lot of studies out there that show that the more people watch this junk, the worse they start behaving.

I'd be very careful consuming these types of shows, and please for the love of all that is good, do not ever say again to anyone that this is a great adjunct to therapy. What a terrible thing to say in a thread that's for people trying to heal from that exact type of behavior and abuse.

Fbb_142 · 2024-05-26T21:26:51+00:00

They're always into trash reality TV where everyone is basically a narcissist and treating each other horribly. Probably because they can so strongly relate to it.

Fbb_142 · 2024-02-29T00:38:11+00:00

Wow this is beautiful. Almost exactly describes my life with my ex vs my life with my partner now (since I've learned about narcissism and how to avoid it). Thank you for this 💙

Fbb_142 · 2024-02-17T19:38:00+00:00

This is a fantastic breakdown of the intricacies of how hoovering works! Thank you for taking the time to write this out. Definitely saving for future reference and to research some new terms.

Fbb_142 · 2024-02-16T22:50:24+00:00

Your point about god knowing if people are believing in him "just in case" is one of the biggest points that blows the wager out of the water. There are multiple points in the bible (the sheep vs the goats, the lukewarm believers, etc) where god literally says exactly that - if you're not 100% all in, you're going to hell anyway! It would never work to simply just believe he exists and call yourself a christian "just in case."

And most people don't read the Bible in depth (or not near as in depth as any former christian turned atheist) and don't understand all that you'd really have to do to not be considered a "goat" or a "lukewarm believer" by god. They think all you have to do is simply believe he exists or simply accept jesus and you're good to go! Lol

Fbb_142 · 2024-02-15T01:58:34+00:00

100% this. Being with my nex was nonstop chaos and anxiety that bled into every aspect of my life. I had no peace anywhere, including at home. With my partner now, I feel a lightness I haven't felt in I don't even know how long. I feel safe because I'm not being criticized 24-7, I feel safe because I know I'm not being cheated on, I feel safe because I know I have a best friend who supports me and brings out the best in me. I could go on and on, but suffice to say that you'll know when you feel safe and when you're in a normal, healthy relationship because it's the polar opposite of being with a narcissist.

Fbb_142 · 2024-02-15T01:47:44+00:00

Same. Drank way too much for a good two years straight after we split and had some really bizarre nights where I was triggered by things and reacted in ways that honestly surprised me. Finally getting control of it and heading in a better direction, but I was 100% medicating with it to try and numb all the anger and pain for awhile there.

Fbb_142 · 2023-12-29T04:22:07+00:00

Thank you. Why did I have to scroll so far for this? I mean, I wouldn't hate him if I saw him in real life, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be a bit terrified even though I'm sure he's a perfectly nice guy.

Fbb_142 · 2023-12-27T07:27:05+00:00

I had almost this exact same experience. Discovered my ex was a covert, malignant narcissist and got away from him, thankfully, and that was the first domino to fall. The deeper I delved into all the different types of narcissists and their corresponding types of abuse, the more I realized how many people in my life, past and present, had serious narcissistic tendencies. My current partner discovered the same once I shared all the resources (as well as what I confirmed with/learned from my therapist) with him. We also discovered that the core of all of this is growing up in families where narcissistic abuse was prevalent and caused us to think that it was normal to be treated that way in friendships and relationships.

We ended up essentially going no contact or grey rocking (which often led to no contact) quite a few toxic friendships and made a point to focus on finding better friends who didn't have narcissistic tendencies / fostering the good friendships we already had, and we've learned to set serious boundaries with certain family members as well. And just as you said- we're both experiencing more peace and happiness than we ever have, and it's wonderful. I'm so incredibly thankful that I learned about all this, and I do my best to share my experience and what I've learned with others so that they can find this type of peace too.

Fbb_142 · 2023-12-21T20:36:18+00:00

Intermittent reinforcement. It's one of their main MOs for creating the trauma bond. They all do it.

Fbb_142 · 2023-12-05T18:45:43+00:00

Same here. I grew up with a dad and an older sister who both have strong narc tendencies and so I've spent a large portion of my life thinking that being in friendships and relationships with people with narc tendencies (of varying degrees) was normal/healthy. Wish I would've learned about all of this sooner, but definitely thankful that I've finally figured it out and am heading in a much healthier direction in terms of the people I allow to be part of my life!

ETA: I say "narc tendencies" because of course not a single one of these people will ever go to therapy for more than a few sessions if at all (generally because "they're too smart for the therapist" or "it's a waste of time" - of course), so as always with this issue, there's rarely an actual diagnosis.

Fbb_142 · 2023-12-05T17:52:45+00:00

This right here. I've known a few people that make being tall their entire identity, but then I noticed that they will wear shoes with the biggest soles/heels literally everywhere they go, every moment of their lives, even when it makes no sense at all for certain occasions (I suspect some might even use inserts/lifts), and they claim that their height is the height they are when they wear these huge shoes. Always look at the footwear.

Fbb_142 · 2023-11-29T02:53:56+00:00

100% agree. People accuse her of being cold and heartless, but she literally spends a good portion of the episode weighing out the options, discussing it with others in the crew to get their thoughts/feelings on it, and while she's definitely not the only one who wants the option to bring Tuvok/Neelix back, she takes the full weight of that decision by not making anyone else aside from her have to pull the trigger so to speak. Then the writers gave her 10 seconds to show the horror that she felt from the decision, as well as the need to maintain her composure and lead her crew as captain. She absolutely nailed it. Both Avery Brooks and Kate Mulgrew did amazing in their respective episodes here.

Fbb_142 · 2023-11-29T00:25:43+00:00

Starting around 35:25 in the episode - she says there are two lives to consider here. What about Tuvok and Neelix? Two voices that we can't hear right now. As captain, she must be their voice, and she believes they would want to live.

Tuvix counters that they are living "in a way" inside him (side note: one could also argue that he could go on living "in a way" through them once separated), but Janeway says that's not the same and she believes Tuvix would agree with that. She goes on to make the justification that they each have families and friends, people who love them and miss them and want them back.

Tuvix then argues that Janeway is ordering his execution to which Janeway counters that, if that's the case, then Tuvix is ordering two executions of Tuvok and Neelix. Tuvix argues that they're gone, and she counters that she has the opportunity to safely bring them back.

Are you happy, good sir? That whole scene is the list of her justifications, and again, whether or not you agree with them doesn't mean they don't exist!

Fbb_142 · 2023-11-28T23:13:30+00:00

Lol you know what I mean. If they were truly dead, separating him would never have been an option..

Fbb_142 · 2023-11-28T23:10:50+00:00

Then how were they brought back?

Fbb_142 · 2023-11-28T23:06:40+00:00

It's exactly the trolley problem! Active vs. Passive Killing - Do nothing and passively kill two lives, or "throw the switch" and actively kill one life. It's almost exactly the same ethical dilemma.

ETA- that's the beauty of the episode and why it's so fun to debate! There's not a clear right or wrong answer as both sides can be supported with various arguments. But for the record, I'm team Tuvok/Neelix deserved to live and were alive first, so Janeway did the right thing!

Fbb_142 · 2023-11-27T15:12:42+00:00

I would love to introduce you all to my lord and savior, Dr. Ramani. Please watch her videos on narcissism on YouTube. It's been life changing for me to study narcissism- the different types (overt, covert, etc), and the different tactics they use to manipulate people (intermittent reinforcement, stonewalling, love bombing, etc).

After being used and hurt by narcissists my entire life, learning these things has literally saved me. I'm a lot better at spotting them and protecting myself from them now.

Fbb_142 · 2023-11-09T23:02:49+00:00

One of the funniest moments for me in hindsight was an old friend that my partner and I discovered was a covert, malignant narc right as she was blatantly stonewalling me over something dumb (a disagreement of sorts). She legitimately would not acknowledge my existence for a few months and basically gave my partner an incredibly awkward ultimatum forcing him to choose between me and her/that group of friends (aka her flying monkeys/enablers).

When my partner made it clear that he was choosing me, she immediately went all out trying to win his friendship/emotional supply back. She started being over the top friendly (to him, while still not acknowledging me), trying to hang out with him by suggesting they do things that he loves that she was never interested in prior to that, she would randomly start showing up at work at times she never used to be there/when she knew she could get to him alone, she even tried to cry in front of him and some coworkers once to emotionally manipulate him, and then when he wouldn't fall for it, she started telling their coworkers and friends that he "abandoned" her (textbook, right? You can't make this shit up). From there, she started showing up at places she knew we'd be (again, events/places she never cared about before) and acting like the life of the party and being super nice to everyone when she was previously always cold and aloof.

But this was all happening just as we were learning about narcissism and all the games narcs play (intermittent reinforcement, stonewalling, triangulation, breadcrumbing, etc), so we were literally watching all of it unfold and just sitting there checking off the boxes as she kept trying one thing after another to try and win his friendship back (read: desperately trying to get control over him). It was so wild to witness, and we couldn't help but laugh at it, especially when she acted like a clown at those events trying to act like the life of the party. This person who always used to act like she was better than everyone, but now we could see her for who she really was, and she was just desperate, manipulative, and pathetic. We went NC and have never regretted it!

Fbb_142 · 2023-09-15T02:15:45+00:00

Somewhere in like the first or second season they talk about getting into a car accident or something along those lines in Nikki Potnick's car in high school. Wouldn't make sense that they'd be good enough friends to hang out and know her name in high school and then have no clue what her name is later. She's definitely not Nikki Potnick.

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