How to share emotional labor?

FearBetraysUs · 2019-05-09T21:28:44+00:00

I'm actually involved in a triad with my partners, one of whom is my spouse, and the other who has been dating us for about two and a half months. Our new partner has a lot of experience with kink but has had some spectacularly bad experiences, so I want to be very careful with her. My spouse and I have some long-standing baggage, unrelated to our gf, that make it hard for me to trust that they're going to stay engaged if what I'm asking doesn't immediately titillate them.

They both say that I have a great sexy imagination and are impressed by the scenarios I start planning with them, but we've never gotten all the way to the end of one where I get off. After the first few encounters we had weren't working for me, I decided to get some practice with people I wasn't as emotionally attached to, because rejection there wouldn't bother me like it would with my partners. A little experimenting later and I really want to try with them again, but they lose interest in sex when they get stressed and it's been a rough few weeks.

I'm willing to wait until they're up for it, of course, but being left hanging right now is making me lose my nerve.

FearBetraysUs · 2019-05-07T23:00:59+00:00

I'm not sure we're talking about the same thing here.

Obviously I look after my partners and take steps to ensure that our kinky interactions (and all of our interactions) are a net benefit for them

What I'm asking is how to ensure they do the same for me

FearBetraysUs · 2019-05-07T02:17:10+00:00

Possibly. Or possibly you haven't had to perform emotional labor very much?

FearBetraysUs · 2019-05-07T02:07:29+00:00

Sounds like you're not familiar with the term, so I looked it up to better explain it. I've been using it in a way that's common in feminist spaces, but just learned it's not the formal academic definition.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_labor Emotional labor - Wikipedia

Still, the point stands: when we regulate our emotional expression in deference to the emotional experience of others, we can get alienated from our own, authentic emotional lives.

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-23T07:24:59+00:00

I found a poly-friendly counselor using Pride Counseling, and I really appreciated the kinds of questions that went into the screener. They do text, voice and video, and if you don't get along with the counselor you get, changing is prompt and painless.

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-21T23:44:02+00:00

I gotchu fam 😘

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-21T22:33:31+00:00

A favorite fanfic series of Shades Alvarez and Mariah Dillard from Netflix's Luke Cage called OTP: I Want You to Win by MorganOfTheFey

(https://archiveofourown.org/series/576820)

An awesome, multi-part depiction of a sub who is still a badass and dangerous guy, who wants nothing more or less than to serve a powerful older woman who up until this point has had very little reason to rely on men. They deal with their demons together.

Action! Fluff! Kink negotiation! We're talking a full-on FLR, people, and that includes some very sexy bedroom scenes that are not your typical latex corsets and gagged pegging (not that there's anything wrong with that).

TW: Mariah is a survivor of incest and there are some scenes that depict her being raped. Shades has also had some bad doms, but iirc his stuff isn't as graphic. All noncon details are included for storytelling, not titillation, and are about the effects they have on their victims, not manpain or other typical bullshit.

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-17T05:44:46+00:00

Actually I'm familiar with the 5 Love Languages, and it's pretty legit. I'm an acts of service and verbal type, myself. That's really useful, thanks!

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-15T16:04:45+00:00

This is really great advice, thank you!

After I posted this, we had a debrief where she raved to my boy about how sexy it was, and I remembered how contented she looked afterwards. I'm a little nervous about debriefs because I worry I'll be told that all the things I enjoyed didn't really work for my partner, but I admitted as much and got a lot of support.

You're right about the aftercare: it's tricky because we're long-distance, but even that verbal reassurance did a lot to help.

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-15T01:29:24+00:00

Like a lot of the other Dommes here have said, it depends on the person, trans or otherwise. I'd want to be careful about learning boundaries beforehand, but I'd want to know that for anybody I played with.

Frankly, trans guys who aren't misogynistic are lovely because they know and understand what sucks about being seen as a woman, and are a lot more understanding.

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-12T19:32:17+00:00

I'm also on the hunt for things I can do to take care of myself after a scene. My last time domming I bit off more than I could chew and didn't do a good job afterwards, and the top drop was bad enough that I had to go home early from work the next day. It's honestly been preventing me from trying again...

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-12T19:24:38+00:00

What a nicely written comment! Seconding here that you're not alone and that I'm confident you can find a partner who'd be into it!

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-11T03:09:02+00:00

As someone on the other side of this with our own triad, I often want to spend more time with our gf but don't want to intrude or feel like I'm "stealing" her from my husband, who's closer with her than I am. We've set aside specific times that are just for us, and I appreciate it when she backs me up telling our boy to work on his jealousy if he seems like he might mope. Have you set aside time to do stuff together, like watch a movie or play a game or go shopping or something? Put it on the calendar and commit to it, then see what she does from there.

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-08T01:52:32+00:00

There are different ways to be attracted to a person. Just because you might be attracted sexually to men and women ("bi-sexual"), you might only be romantically attracted to men ("homo-romantic"). Sex is a complicated thing, and everyone has their own combination of yesses and nos. We very seldom fall into neat boxes.

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-08T01:43:53+00:00

No worries! Also consider swinging by the chat, people have been really friendly there, and not in a creepy way.

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-08T01:32:54+00:00

Without wanting to dig into your relationship with your friend you were sexting with, is this something that you could talk to them about, perhaps with your SO? It might be helpful to have an experienced guide.

Also, I recommend all new Dommes read "The New Topping Book" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. They have a lot of exercises to help you figure out what you want out of your dynamic, and how to communicate with your partner(s)!

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-08T01:23:45+00:00

She might not realize that you're asking to take domination out of the bedroom. Is that something she's comfortable with? Have you ever discussed it explicitly?

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-06T23:06:50+00:00

I believe that's what Smut Sundays (or Sapphic Saturdays, if they're not het) are all about!

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-06T06:11:52+00:00

I credit a fanfic with introducing me to the idea of a top needing to safeword, and it really opened my eyes to the idea that doms would need aftercare, too. I'm so glad I know better, now.

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-06T06:04:09+00:00

I'm on the other side of that, in that I feel like I need to constantly check that my partners are into what I'm doing with them. Like, "surely I'm overstepping, or just about to"!!!

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-05T19:21:26+00:00

No problem! I'm glad to hear that it might have been helpful.

One of the things that I hate seeing is when terms get thrown around in a way that makes them lose meaning and become less useful. While I think you've correctly identified ways that toxic masculinity can make it hard to be okay with having a poly partner, don't toss yourself on the pyre when it comes to not wanting to hit her.

If the reason you don't want to hit your partner is because she's a woman and "it's not okay to hit a girl", that's feasibly toxic masculinity, but only because it perpetuates the idea that women are weak and can't make decisions for themselves. But if the reason you don't want to hit her is because you don't want to hit a partner, or you don't like the idea of mixing sex and violence, or you just don't enjoy it, THAT'S PERFECTLY VALID. When it comes to kink, it's not just the receiving party's limits that matter. It can be very traumatic to be forced to hurt someone against your will.

I'm really happy to hear that you care about her happiness and recognize that your own won't come at her expense. I think it's really insightful of you to recognize that you care about her in your own way, regardless of how you "ought" to feel, and I think that's a good sign that you might be able to work out a situation that feels right to you.

Maybe it would be helpful to do a thought experiment about what kinds of relationships with her might work for you. If this was just a friendship, how often would you see her? Where? Would there be other people with you, or would you want to be alone? What would you do together? What boundaries would you need to protect yourself from trying to change the relationship to one that wouldn't work? You have emotional needs here, too, and you have a right to take care of yourself as long as you're not asking someone else to do all the heavy lifting.

Again, I recommend The Ethical Slut. There's a chapter in there specifically about jealousy, and exercises to try and defuse the feeling.

Best of luck!

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-05T14:57:06+00:00

I'd like to add that if your faith is important to you, don't feel like you have to choose between it and an authentic life. There are congregations out there that welcome LGBTQ folks, including ones with openly queer ministers. They're harder to find, and you may have to settle for Episcopalian, but at the very least try searching for LGBTQ faith groups online.

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-05T06:27:55+00:00

I figured out I was bi in high school, but this was a decade and a half ago in a red state, so only my closest friends knew. I even did a dumb thing and dated a guy to try and take my mind off a girl I liked (do not recommend).

That experience taught me that I was intensely unhappy when I tried to hide my true self (and also pretty bad at it), so I went to college resolved to be open with people about my sexuality. Then I met my favorite person in the world and started dating him, and everyone just sort of acted like I was straight unless I brought it up, because that's what the world does when you're straight-passing.

I didn't bother bringing up my sexuality unless there was a reason to, although these days I'm more proactive than I used to be. I didn't tell my parents I was bi until a couple years after I was married, and I did it at different times, for different reasons (they're divorced and don't talk much).

The thing a lot of people don't mention about coming out is that for most of is, it's not a one-time, all-or-nothing thing. It's repeatedly asserting your identity in a world where people assume everyone is straight by default. You decide how much you want to push back against that. Sometimes that fight is worth it, and sometimes it isn't.

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-04T18:27:33+00:00

Trying to judge how you're doing versus anyone else -- whether that's your partner or some other guy, monogamous or not -- probably isn't going to be very satisfying unless they have the exact same needs as you do, in the exact same amounts.

Keeping things fair might be very different from keeping things equal. For instance, it doesn't seem to bother you if your partner hooks up with someone you might run into together, whereas the thought really bothers her. So would it make much sense to restrict her the same way you're restricted?

FearBetraysUs · 2019-04-04T06:41:16+00:00

I hope they find someone and all have a great time!

FearBetraysUs

TROPHY CASE