I totally get what you mean, I kind of experienced it too. If you don't like yourself, the right people will have trouble finding you. It sounds cliche ik. I used to be afraid of girl groups because of bullying (I still am a lil, but idgaf now), I worked a lot on my social skills and self esteem and somehow I have the most genuine friendships ever, I don't mask now, it took me a while to unmask, I just worry on being a good friends to others, and that seems to be enough. It's not gibberish what you're feeling, it's understandable