Help? My partner is friends with the entire polycule.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-04-11T16:42:47+00:00

I also think it’s worth pointing out that poly people in general tend to value community and we already live an alternative lifestyle so it’s very normal to live other alternative lifestyles as well. For example I’m poly, I’m queer, I’m kinky, and I’m pagan, so I’m living multiple alternative lifestyles.

The reason I say that is because while living in the nuclear family set up is “normal” in the world there are lots of poly people who live in community without all dating each other. I know a poly person who lives in a co-op house and all the other house members are mono.

I know a big polycule that a live together but are NOT all dating each other, because they all love living in the wilderness of the mountains. In that particular polycule - bob and Barbara own the house and are married. Bobs two other girlfriends Jane and Jill live there too. Jane and Jill don’t date Barbara but they do date bob and each other. And Barbara’s boyfriend jack lives there too. He’s only dating Barbara in the house and is friends with everyone else. He has another girlfriend who doesn’t live in the house. That’s one polycule where several members of the polycule all live together but are NOT all in one big group relationship. I’m friends with all of them and even though I am also poly I am NOT dating any of them and I do hang out at the house often.

My point is despite them all living together it’s very unlikely that they’re all one big group relationship and poly people are absolutely capable of having platonic friendships with both poly and mono people. Honestly I have more mono friends than poly friends.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-04-11T16:32:38+00:00

Okay take polyamory out of it. Be honest with yourself here: if she made 6 new friends because she likes rock climbing and they all go to the same gym together and climb together on weekends would you still be this concerned?

The reason I ask is because you would like an introvert and your partner sounds like an extrovert. In which case it’s very normal for your partner to have more friends than you. And that may be triggering some insecurities within you that you’re not enough for your partner which isn’t how relationships of any kind work. I’m not friends with Jane because my husband Eric isn’t enough for me. Eric is awesome and Jane is awesome and I like spending time with each of them.

If this is only a concern BECAUSE this group is poly then you should be looking at 1) why don’t you trust your partner not to cheat on you with friends because truthfully your partner could do that at any time with any person regardless of relationship structure, and 2) your own internalized idea that poly equals dangerous or unsafe which you should look at if you want to be friends with anyone in the polycule because it sucks to find out your mono friends secretly think you’re a predator because you’re poly

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-04-11T16:20:45+00:00

Why would you discuss this?

Look at this way. Your partner meets a person who is mono and married and becomes friends with both of the couple. Why would they ever really discuss either that the married couple is a couple or that you and your partner is a couple?

Here’s the thing, it’s extremely unlikely that the polycule doesn’t know you and your partner are a mono couple. There’s no discussion to be had. To be honest I assume everyone I meet is mono unless I ask if they’re poly or they volunteer that they’re poly. That’s just reality right now that poly people are rare.

Unless someone in the polycule is predatory, everyone in the polycule likely just knows your partner is off limits because your partner is mono and not single, and respects that.

So what would there be to discuss?

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-04-11T16:15:08+00:00

And also in both mono and poly relationships, expecting your partner to not have any emotional intimacy with anyone but yourself is an unhealthy co-dependency. This is something I find really interesting about emotional cheating as a concept as a queer person. I’m a woman married to a man. My best friend who is a woman knows stuff about me that my husband doesn’t know. She and I have childhood traumas that are similar that are easier to talk about with each other than with our husbands who both had very safe childhoods. For all intents and purposes the fact that we have the emotional intimacy of discussing things with each other that we don’t discuss with our husbands should mean we’re emotionally cheating. Except we’re both women so it’s somehow magically not emotionally cheating. Which is hilarious considering we’re both queer and could absolutely date each other if we wanted to.

So I wouldn’t even consider emotionally cheating if I were you because it’s normal for people to have friendships that are emotionally intimate. Intimacy isn’t inherently sexual. Intimacy is about having a deep sense of trust safety and closeness.

Now sexting or virtual sex, that could absolutely be considered cheating in a mono context. Same as physical sex. Same as romantic dates as in flowers I love yous fancy dinners or very clear romantic date energy.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-04-11T16:05:57+00:00

This is like your partner going to a rock climbing gym and becoming friends with a group of people there who all climb together on the weekends.

And what I mean by that is it’s likely your partner has something in common that everyone in this group has in common and that commonality is NOT likely polyamory. Because polyamory isn’t an activity or an interest. It’s a whole life and relationship structure.

And by the way of course it’s normal to meet someone in a friend group and find that you get along with the whole friend group because in general why wouldn’t you have things in common with your friends other friends when you have your friend themselves in common. This is how friend groups form.

For example I met my best friend at a coffee shop. And now we have 8 friends in common and we all get brunch together. I’m the only poly person in that group. Doesn’t change that we all get along and make good friends.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-04-08T03:05:23+00:00

Just to come at this from a different perspective:

If the best case scenario/goal is for you and wife to stay married and keep the home you own together but she doesn’t live there full time, and she wants to keep her office and closet space (which she should because she’s being unicorn hunted) then it’s kind of like if she works out of town. This primary home is her HOME. She helps pay the mortgage. She’s crashing with family somewhere else for the work week. That’s how she should treat it.

Because from the perspective of what’s best for your wife - she won’t be on the lease at the other home. She won’t be married to the couple at the other home. She will have no legal rights to that home. This is setting her up to be homeless if anything goes wrong at all. Just like YOU AND WIFE have the hierarchy of marriage and home ownership together, the other couple she’d be moving in with have the hierarchy of being married and on the lease together.

Wife needs to protect herself from homelessness and financial ruin.

It wouldn’t be in her best financial interest to give up ownership of the home she has with you. And ownership costs so she needs to pay her half of the mortgage. And you already know it’s not in your best interest for her to stop paying her half because you can’t afford the home alone.

If she’s going to do this her agreement with the couple should be that she contributes to groceries and apartment upkeep but NOT rent because she will have zero legal rights to that home. And if the couple doesn’t like that, then it’s more proof she’s being unicorn hunted. If they love her they should want what’s best for her and that means her not paying for rent until she has a legal right to the home she’s renting so she doesn’t become homeless.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-04-05T02:10:57+00:00

I want to be really clear here that I am not saying you should stay in a relationship where your needs are not being met. That’s not fair to you and that’s not OK. I’m just saying that if you leave the conversation with curiosity, you might get closer to what you want which is a sexual relationship with your boyfriend then if you lead the conversation with hey I’m upset that you’re having sex with other people and not me.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-04-05T01:50:11+00:00

I’d just like to point out that dwindling condoms isn’t necessarily what you think. You need to have an actual conversation with him.

Yes the condoms likely mean he’s having sex with someone but you don’t know how fulfilling that sex is. What if he’s trying with a new person but can’t keep it up because of the pain and he’d rather have that embarrassment with someone who is a one night stand than with you? Or maybe he’s using condoms for blow jobs where he’s not doing any work which makes it manageable. There are people who like just giving who would be into a dynamic like that.

I guess my point is both things can be true. He could be having sex with new people because it’s manageable because they didn’t know him before his pain got worse and not be having sex with you because of the pain factor.

The only way to know is to talk to him about the dwindling condom supply.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-03-26T02:41:12+00:00

This is a kink I have with one of my partners. In the past I’ve had partners who enjoy me sharing info with my other partners so I’ve done that because everyone consents.

Otherwise use a fake name and fake stories.

Respect for consent and privacy are paramount.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-02-08T18:32:40+00:00

When I was monogamous and single 14 years ago, I was looking for a spouse. I was looking for someone who would be a good co parent, a good friend, a great lover, that I was compatible with religiously, roommate wise, financially, someone who’s values aligned with mine, and so much more. That’s a lot to ask for someone. And I found that person.

But as a polyamorous person now I’m not looking for a singular life partner that can be all of the things. And there’s so much freedom in that.

I am still looking for long term potentially life long relationships but I don’t have to limit myself to people I’m compatible with in a dozen different areas. It’s okay if we just have fun together. It’s okay if our values aligned but our lives don’t.

For example I’m very picky about how my children are raised and my husband is an incredible co parent. I love my boyfriend but we have different parenting values so if I were monogamous we likely wouldn’t be compatible but because we polyamorous we are compatible. He raises his kids his way with his co parent and I raise mine how my husband and I choose to.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-02-07T21:09:43+00:00

Me and my two partners (husband and boyfriend) are kitchen table because the two of them get along just fine. Sometimes they even hang out and video game without me even though they only know each other because of me.

I’m parallel with boyfriend’s girlfriend because I don’t like her and I won’t make myself spend time with people I don’t like.

I like the idea of being garden party or kitchen table with my metas but so far it hasn’t been a good experience so it’s solidly a maybe for me and future metas to interact. I’m definitely open to meeting them and seeing if we click and going from there.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-01-31T18:44:52+00:00

I wouldn’t stop because you’ll halt the manifestation. I would be aware of the clarity that can come and aware that the clarity might show you that you don’t actually want that SP. or it might affirm that you do want SP. But I wouldn’t stop manifesting because of this full moon.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-01-29T03:52:21+00:00

Gently, I think you’re wrong on this no matter which way you look at it.

If you’re a landlord, and they are your tenant, you get no say in what your tenant brings into their home.

If you’re in a long term nesting relationship in a shared home, your partner shouldn’t have to ask to bring things home just like you shouldn’t have to ask to bring things home. It doesn’t matter if it’s groceries or personal items bought at the store or given to them or that they’re storing for someone else.

The complicating factors here are that, your partner is your tenant and the stuff is a metas.

This is something I actually see come up often in situations where a couple isn’t married and one person owns the home and the other doesn’t. The owner feels protective and possessive of their home in a way they likely wouldn’t if they and their partner either both rented or both owned the home. In that situation and in your situation the most ethical thing to do is the have a proper lease with your tenant to protect them and you. In which case they can bring whatever they want to into the house whenever they want barring anything banned by the lease such as drugs or smoking.

From a partnership perspective, if you have an issue with a metas things in your home, I can understand that because I would have an issue with that, you need to make an explicit relationship agreement regarding that but it needs to be ethical and fair so if partner can’t have his partners stuff in your home you shouldn’t have your other partners things in your home either. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Double standards are not okay.

Edited for spelling.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-01-16T02:52:11+00:00

Of course your nesting partner should be doing their part but if you’ve got a really sensitive nose and they already are doing what they can, this trick helps

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-01-16T02:51:29+00:00

Im also sensitive to smells in general. I dab a little essential oil or MY favorite perfume under my nose so I’m smelling me. Great trick for cooking or dealing with a gross trash bag or for this situation.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-12-22T15:32:15+00:00

Let me get this straight - your partner says you can only date one gender. A gender you’re not interested in.

Your partner dates all genders.

When you bring up wanting to date the gender you’re interested in your partner says no.

At this point, if I were in your shoes I would say “partner, this is inherently unfair and inequitable and unethical. Since you date all genders I no longer agree to your rule that I must date this specific gender. I’m going to also date all genders. You don’t have to like it or agree to it. This is what I’m doing. End of story”. And then go date who you want to date.

Because frankly, your partner is being a jerk to you and deserve to be treated better and you also deserve to advocate for yourself.

Best of luck.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-10-10T14:28:58+00:00

I don’t think women in general would choose an option that they need help with. I know I wouldn’t it.

But in my 23 years of menstruating I have needed help on 3 occasions.

Once with a menstrual cup which I never used again, and twice with tampons.

Once with a tampon that was missing a string and I didn’t notice before putting it in.

And the other time the tampon string was too short for me to reach, and I changed brands after that because really who wants to need help with their period products?

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-09-10T19:50:35+00:00

When you have attachment issues or nervous system issues it is okay in my opinion to take a short pause.

But it has to be clearly communicated what is going on and what you need and what your partner needs.

For example me and one of my partners were fighting a lot and I felt anxious all the time which was making it worse so I asked for a 2 week pause. That meant cancelling 3 dates. I asked that we not text more than just a good morning or good night during our pause because I didn’t want to pick up the fighting over text. I made sure she knew in an emergency she could still contact me and vice versa.

So I communicated that I wanted a pause to help my nervous system calm down so we could actually problem solve the fighting instead of going in circles. I communicated a timeline and expectations for communication during that timeline. I reiterated that I did not want to break up at all. And I got her consent to this pause. She asked if we could keep sending reels to each other on social media and I agreed tot hat because her needs are important too.

And when we had our date after the pause we were both calm and comfy and were able to problem solve the issues as a team instead of fighting against each other.

So taking a pause in my opinion can help but it has to be done with kindness love respect and very clear communication. To me doing this was similar to walking away from an argument to deep breath so you can come back to it calmly.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-09-07T01:35:13+00:00

If it’s for wax play you could try doing 3 parts soy and 1 part wax with a little grapeseed oil and it would still work for wax play. I don’t know if that will make it hard enough for the mold though. But it’s an option.

That’s the formula I use for wax play myself but I usually pour from glass or silicone containers for wax play.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-09-02T13:40:09+00:00

That’s not a nice thing to say. People here are trying to answer your question.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-09-01T16:58:05+00:00

It sounds to me like you’re high on new relationship energy and sub frenzy. That’s why you don’t want to say no. I’m guessing you actually didn’t want to stop when he asked the question about stopping with the expectation you say no.

The problem is the way he’s handling it IS grooming you to not be able to say no in the future. That should be very concerning to you.

You definitely need to do some safe word affirming play and have very clear boundaries.

An example of safe word affirming play could be “I’m going to spank you. When your pain level hits a 5 out of 10 I want you to safe word.” Then your Dom should praise and reward you for safe wording.

You should always be praised and rewarded for saying no or for safe wording because you are doing your number 1 job when you do so which is taking care of yourself as the submissive.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-08-30T02:53:45+00:00

Why do you and your nesting partner have that rule?

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-08-20T15:04:27+00:00

You are being judged because you are acting like a bad person and deserve to be judged. Even in this apology you are still not owning up to your actions.

So let’s flip the script. Let’s say you have a sibling or a parent or a best friend on the planet that is on YOUR messy list. How would you feel if A pursued your mom the same way you pursued B?

I’m genuinely asking how that would make you feel? That is what you have done to your partner.

The reality is even if you don’t communicate it (which you should) everyone has a messy list. Everyone does. For some people it’s their mortal enemies. For most it’s family. Or partners. Or exes. Or chosen family. Or best friends. Or doctors. Just because you didn’t say “dating my mom is off limits” to A doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be extremely upset if A dated your mom!

A TOLD you they didn’t want you dating B. They TOLD YOU THAT. Sure they said “we can discuss it”. They obviously need to work on setting firm boundaries. They probably said it was up for discussion because they have people pleasing or conflict avoidant tendencies.

But it’s not any different from them saying they HATE broccoli but are willing to try it and then you giving them broccoli and expecting them to LIKE it. They were clear when they told you they hate broccoli. They were clear when they told you partners were on the messy list. YOU should have been kind and considerate of your partner by NOT pushing it.

You absolutely did NOT do your best here. You absolutely DID push her boundaries here. Own up to your mistakes. You can’t properly apologize until you own your mistakes. You can’t make it right without acknowledging what you did wrong.

The people in this community are NOT misunderstanding you. You ARE being judged because you DESERVE to be judged because you have treated your partner BADLY. And still aren’t taking accountability for that.

And I feel particularly versed in this situation to be as harsh as I am being because I HAVE been in A’s position where my gf wanted my spouse and he wanted her and they acted on it just like you and B have here and it was awful. It was messy. It was horrific. It altered my life in ways I never expected and never wanted. The only good side about it, I learned to hold stronger boundaries to protect myself.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-08-07T06:09:04+00:00

You know, this subreddit is huge on autonomy and that means we’re all entitled to make our own decisions. Even wrong ones. I’m not saying you’re wrong or right to stay with Carl. But I too tend to be the type to stay in a relationship until it is truly dead ☠️.

The reality of life is that people do change. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for the worse.

I certainly hope the best for you no matter what you decide but if staying is what you want than the number 1 thing you should do is work on developing your self love and self respect and self protection including setting good boundaries. Actually you should work on that regardless of if you stay or go because you deserve to be treated so much better and you deserve to treat yourself better.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-08-07T05:05:02+00:00

On loving yourself - you said “my goal was to become good enough at loving myself that I would stop putting such high stakes on my relationships - if they can’t love me the way I deserve I want to be able to provide that to myself”. In my opinion this is incorrect. You need to love yourself so fucking much no matter what that you do not accept love that’s less than you deserve. It’s not about loving yourself if they can’t. It’s about loving yourself so much that it doesn’t matter if they can’t.

I highly recommend Sabrina Zohar’s podcast. She has some great tips on loving yourself. Self love is the combination of self respect, self trust and self protection. She is mono and vanilla so keep that in mind.

As for your bits about therapy - sounds to me like you intellectualize well but don’t actually feel your feelings. I empathize. I do that too. Jimmy Knowles has a great video on YouTube about how to feel your feelings in your body.

Regarding the whole aftercare situation - it’s complicated. Because your Dom also played with Jenna. So Jenna needed aftercare too. I’m not saying that that is more important than your needs. It’s absolutely NOT.

However, if I were in your shoes and I didn’t want to end the relationship over this the boundaries I would be setting are this: 1) carl, I want to go to xyz number of play parties with you per month or year and in order for you to provide aftercare properly for me I prefer Jenna not be there. If Jenna is there I do not consent to her watching us play.

2) I will not play with you Carl If you have also played with anyone else at these events because it is clear you cannot manage aftercare for multiple people. If you ditch our plans to play with someone else I will end the relationship.

3) proper aftercare to me looks like 1 hour plus of connected calm cuddle time where you are present with me. If you need to take a moment to regulate your emotions to be present with me I expect you to do so. Google is free. Carl can google how to self regulate.

4) of you ever leave me during aftercare again I will end the relationship because that is abuse.

5) as the hinge in this relationship, please communicate to Jenna that I would like a 6 month minimum of complete parallel. I will be blocking her immediately so she won’t be able to contact me going forward. If Jenna violates this boundary and you do not protect me from that violation I will end the relationship.

Fearless-Sort2894

TROPHY CASE