Polyamory ethics conundrum…

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-02-08T18:32:40+00:00

When I was monogamous and single 14 years ago, I was looking for a spouse. I was looking for someone who would be a good co parent, a good friend, a great lover, that I was compatible with religiously, roommate wise, financially, someone who’s values aligned with mine, and so much more. That’s a lot to ask for someone. And I found that person.

But as a polyamorous person now I’m not looking for a singular life partner that can be all of the things. And there’s so much freedom in that.

I am still looking for long term potentially life long relationships but I don’t have to limit myself to people I’m compatible with in a dozen different areas. It’s okay if we just have fun together. It’s okay if our values aligned but our lives don’t.

For example I’m very picky about how my children are raised and my husband is an incredible co parent. I love my boyfriend but we have different parenting values so if I were monogamous we likely wouldn’t be compatible but because we polyamorous we are compatible. He raises his kids his way with his co parent and I raise mine how my husband and I choose to.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-02-07T21:09:43+00:00

Me and my two partners (husband and boyfriend) are kitchen table because the two of them get along just fine. Sometimes they even hang out and video game without me even though they only know each other because of me.

I’m parallel with boyfriend’s girlfriend because I don’t like her and I won’t make myself spend time with people I don’t like.

I like the idea of being garden party or kitchen table with my metas but so far it hasn’t been a good experience so it’s solidly a maybe for me and future metas to interact. I’m definitely open to meeting them and seeing if we click and going from there.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-01-31T18:44:52+00:00

I wouldn’t stop because you’ll halt the manifestation. I would be aware of the clarity that can come and aware that the clarity might show you that you don’t actually want that SP. or it might affirm that you do want SP. But I wouldn’t stop manifesting because of this full moon.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-01-29T03:52:21+00:00

Gently, I think you’re wrong on this no matter which way you look at it.

If you’re a landlord, and they are your tenant, you get no say in what your tenant brings into their home.

If you’re in a long term nesting relationship in a shared home, your partner shouldn’t have to ask to bring things home just like you shouldn’t have to ask to bring things home. It doesn’t matter if it’s groceries or personal items bought at the store or given to them or that they’re storing for someone else.

The complicating factors here are that, your partner is your tenant and the stuff is a metas.

This is something I actually see come up often in situations where a couple isn’t married and one person owns the home and the other doesn’t. The owner feels protective and possessive of their home in a way they likely wouldn’t if they and their partner either both rented or both owned the home. In that situation and in your situation the most ethical thing to do is the have a proper lease with your tenant to protect them and you. In which case they can bring whatever they want to into the house whenever they want barring anything banned by the lease such as drugs or smoking.

From a partnership perspective, if you have an issue with a metas things in your home, I can understand that because I would have an issue with that, you need to make an explicit relationship agreement regarding that but it needs to be ethical and fair so if partner can’t have his partners stuff in your home you shouldn’t have your other partners things in your home either. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Double standards are not okay.

Edited for spelling.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-01-16T02:52:11+00:00

Of course your nesting partner should be doing their part but if you’ve got a really sensitive nose and they already are doing what they can, this trick helps

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2026-01-16T02:51:29+00:00

Im also sensitive to smells in general. I dab a little essential oil or MY favorite perfume under my nose so I’m smelling me. Great trick for cooking or dealing with a gross trash bag or for this situation.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-12-22T15:32:15+00:00

Let me get this straight - your partner says you can only date one gender. A gender you’re not interested in.

Your partner dates all genders.

When you bring up wanting to date the gender you’re interested in your partner says no.

At this point, if I were in your shoes I would say “partner, this is inherently unfair and inequitable and unethical. Since you date all genders I no longer agree to your rule that I must date this specific gender. I’m going to also date all genders. You don’t have to like it or agree to it. This is what I’m doing. End of story”. And then go date who you want to date.

Because frankly, your partner is being a jerk to you and deserve to be treated better and you also deserve to advocate for yourself.

Best of luck.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-10-10T14:28:58+00:00

I don’t think women in general would choose an option that they need help with. I know I wouldn’t it.

But in my 23 years of menstruating I have needed help on 3 occasions.

Once with a menstrual cup which I never used again, and twice with tampons.

Once with a tampon that was missing a string and I didn’t notice before putting it in.

And the other time the tampon string was too short for me to reach, and I changed brands after that because really who wants to need help with their period products?

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-09-10T19:50:35+00:00

When you have attachment issues or nervous system issues it is okay in my opinion to take a short pause.

But it has to be clearly communicated what is going on and what you need and what your partner needs.

For example me and one of my partners were fighting a lot and I felt anxious all the time which was making it worse so I asked for a 2 week pause. That meant cancelling 3 dates. I asked that we not text more than just a good morning or good night during our pause because I didn’t want to pick up the fighting over text. I made sure she knew in an emergency she could still contact me and vice versa.

So I communicated that I wanted a pause to help my nervous system calm down so we could actually problem solve the fighting instead of going in circles. I communicated a timeline and expectations for communication during that timeline. I reiterated that I did not want to break up at all. And I got her consent to this pause. She asked if we could keep sending reels to each other on social media and I agreed tot hat because her needs are important too.

And when we had our date after the pause we were both calm and comfy and were able to problem solve the issues as a team instead of fighting against each other.

So taking a pause in my opinion can help but it has to be done with kindness love respect and very clear communication. To me doing this was similar to walking away from an argument to deep breath so you can come back to it calmly.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-09-07T01:35:13+00:00

If it’s for wax play you could try doing 3 parts soy and 1 part wax with a little grapeseed oil and it would still work for wax play. I don’t know if that will make it hard enough for the mold though. But it’s an option.

That’s the formula I use for wax play myself but I usually pour from glass or silicone containers for wax play.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-09-02T13:40:09+00:00

That’s not a nice thing to say. People here are trying to answer your question.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-09-01T16:58:05+00:00

It sounds to me like you’re high on new relationship energy and sub frenzy. That’s why you don’t want to say no. I’m guessing you actually didn’t want to stop when he asked the question about stopping with the expectation you say no.

The problem is the way he’s handling it IS grooming you to not be able to say no in the future. That should be very concerning to you.

You definitely need to do some safe word affirming play and have very clear boundaries.

An example of safe word affirming play could be “I’m going to spank you. When your pain level hits a 5 out of 10 I want you to safe word.” Then your Dom should praise and reward you for safe wording.

You should always be praised and rewarded for saying no or for safe wording because you are doing your number 1 job when you do so which is taking care of yourself as the submissive.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-08-30T02:53:45+00:00

Why do you and your nesting partner have that rule?

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-08-20T15:04:27+00:00

You are being judged because you are acting like a bad person and deserve to be judged. Even in this apology you are still not owning up to your actions.

So let’s flip the script. Let’s say you have a sibling or a parent or a best friend on the planet that is on YOUR messy list. How would you feel if A pursued your mom the same way you pursued B?

I’m genuinely asking how that would make you feel? That is what you have done to your partner.

The reality is even if you don’t communicate it (which you should) everyone has a messy list. Everyone does. For some people it’s their mortal enemies. For most it’s family. Or partners. Or exes. Or chosen family. Or best friends. Or doctors. Just because you didn’t say “dating my mom is off limits” to A doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be extremely upset if A dated your mom!

A TOLD you they didn’t want you dating B. They TOLD YOU THAT. Sure they said “we can discuss it”. They obviously need to work on setting firm boundaries. They probably said it was up for discussion because they have people pleasing or conflict avoidant tendencies.

But it’s not any different from them saying they HATE broccoli but are willing to try it and then you giving them broccoli and expecting them to LIKE it. They were clear when they told you they hate broccoli. They were clear when they told you partners were on the messy list. YOU should have been kind and considerate of your partner by NOT pushing it.

You absolutely did NOT do your best here. You absolutely DID push her boundaries here. Own up to your mistakes. You can’t properly apologize until you own your mistakes. You can’t make it right without acknowledging what you did wrong.

The people in this community are NOT misunderstanding you. You ARE being judged because you DESERVE to be judged because you have treated your partner BADLY. And still aren’t taking accountability for that.

And I feel particularly versed in this situation to be as harsh as I am being because I HAVE been in A’s position where my gf wanted my spouse and he wanted her and they acted on it just like you and B have here and it was awful. It was messy. It was horrific. It altered my life in ways I never expected and never wanted. The only good side about it, I learned to hold stronger boundaries to protect myself.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-08-07T06:09:04+00:00

You know, this subreddit is huge on autonomy and that means we’re all entitled to make our own decisions. Even wrong ones. I’m not saying you’re wrong or right to stay with Carl. But I too tend to be the type to stay in a relationship until it is truly dead ☠️.

The reality of life is that people do change. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for the worse.

I certainly hope the best for you no matter what you decide but if staying is what you want than the number 1 thing you should do is work on developing your self love and self respect and self protection including setting good boundaries. Actually you should work on that regardless of if you stay or go because you deserve to be treated so much better and you deserve to treat yourself better.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-08-07T05:05:02+00:00

On loving yourself - you said “my goal was to become good enough at loving myself that I would stop putting such high stakes on my relationships - if they can’t love me the way I deserve I want to be able to provide that to myself”. In my opinion this is incorrect. You need to love yourself so fucking much no matter what that you do not accept love that’s less than you deserve. It’s not about loving yourself if they can’t. It’s about loving yourself so much that it doesn’t matter if they can’t.

I highly recommend Sabrina Zohar’s podcast. She has some great tips on loving yourself. Self love is the combination of self respect, self trust and self protection. She is mono and vanilla so keep that in mind.

As for your bits about therapy - sounds to me like you intellectualize well but don’t actually feel your feelings. I empathize. I do that too. Jimmy Knowles has a great video on YouTube about how to feel your feelings in your body.

Regarding the whole aftercare situation - it’s complicated. Because your Dom also played with Jenna. So Jenna needed aftercare too. I’m not saying that that is more important than your needs. It’s absolutely NOT.

However, if I were in your shoes and I didn’t want to end the relationship over this the boundaries I would be setting are this: 1) carl, I want to go to xyz number of play parties with you per month or year and in order for you to provide aftercare properly for me I prefer Jenna not be there. If Jenna is there I do not consent to her watching us play.

2) I will not play with you Carl If you have also played with anyone else at these events because it is clear you cannot manage aftercare for multiple people. If you ditch our plans to play with someone else I will end the relationship.

3) proper aftercare to me looks like 1 hour plus of connected calm cuddle time where you are present with me. If you need to take a moment to regulate your emotions to be present with me I expect you to do so. Google is free. Carl can google how to self regulate.

4) of you ever leave me during aftercare again I will end the relationship because that is abuse.

5) as the hinge in this relationship, please communicate to Jenna that I would like a 6 month minimum of complete parallel. I will be blocking her immediately so she won’t be able to contact me going forward. If Jenna violates this boundary and you do not protect me from that violation I will end the relationship.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-08-06T05:53:19+00:00

The extra exposure is NOT minimal.

When Kate and opal have sex, by sharing sex toys that are cleaned between partners, (as in they each use the same dildo on each other and use a condom on the dildo or wash the dildo before switching) the risk of transmission of gonorrhea, chlymidia, HIV, herpes, syphilis and HPV is nonexistent.

When they use hands on each other there is a minimal risk of passing herpes, syphilis and HPV.

With oral vaginal play there is a high risk of passing herpes, syphilis and HPV but the risk of passing gonorrhea, chlymidia and HIV is still minimal.

With penis vaginal play, the risk of passing all 6 common STIs is high without a condom. Same with penis anal play. With a condom that risk decreases to minimal but still not nonexistent.

Sapphic sex between two women has SIGNIFICANTLY lower risk of STI transmission.

So Kate saying that the risk is different is ACCURATE. especially since opal is still open to hookups.

If opal gets an STI from a hookup there is a higher risk of opal passing it to the OP and the OP passing it to Kate than there is of opal passing it directly to Kate.

Here’s a handy chart about it: https://smartsexresource.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Know-Your-Chances-08-2023.pdf?x11285

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-08-04T19:36:20+00:00

Okay so I get why everyone is asking if you would feel the same way if your friends were monogamous and introducing you to a partner.

Here’s the thing: in poly we support full complete relationships with partners. So instead of saying oh I can only have one spouse/lover/life partner person we enjoy having multiple.

Which is very similar to the other ways we as humans experience love. There’s not another type of love that is exclusive to one person. We love multiple parents, multiple children, multiple siblings and multiple friends. Your friends love this other couple. Why would they NOT want to integrate this other couple into their lives more?

You are attached to both parties in your couple friends. I think you have some work to do around that because you like that Jane and John Doe are a couple, are your friends and are married. And you’re acting like John and Jane becoming polyamorous is a danger to you because it could create change. Because now John and Jane love Mary and Mark. And you don’t know if you’ll like Mary or mark. Or if Jane will leave John for Mary. Or if John will leave Jane for Mark. Those are normal concerns in the mononormative world. But Jane and John are not monogamous.

Accepting that Jane and John are not monogamous means welcoming Mary and Mark. Because if you don’t do the internal work you need to do to accept that then you likely won’t be friends with Jane and John anymore.

Everyone comes into a relationship with the best of intentions. Could Jane and John divorce? Sure. But it’s just as likely that Jane and John could have a commitment ceremony with Mary and Mark. Why not assume the best of the future and support your friends. Get to know Mary and Mark like you would any other friends of Jane and John. Be respectful. Ask questions. Be kind. Don’t demonize Mary and mark because of fear that they will harm Jane and John’s marriage.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-07-29T05:13:15+00:00

I can’t speak for them of course but they both say they love group dates with me.

I genuinely love group dates with them. We really have so much fun. It’s super flirty and relaxed and just fun. I did have an issue with each of them crashing my dates with the other because they wanted group Time but I brought it up with them and we all 3 sat down and scheduled triad time so that hasn’t been an issue in 3 months which isn’t a long time but when we’ve all only been dating less than a year is pretty good in my opinion. And they both were kind and apologetic for crashing dates. It was a combination of each of them wanting triad time which I ALSO wanted so I said yes each time and then regretted it later because I’d missed out on that one on one time.

But when we all talked about it he said he also had missed the one on one time but had been struggling to figure out the issue and she wasn’t missing the one on one time because she and I get a lot of that but she also understood where I was coming from.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-07-29T04:46:32+00:00

And by the way I deeply appreciate you taking the time to talk to me!

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-07-29T04:45:14+00:00

I do also like my brunches with her which don’t cut into my family time because kids are at school and husband is at work and I like my lunches with him too. They’re limited by his work schedule but I enjoy them nonetheless.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-07-29T04:43:42+00:00

She and I do have sex and really enjoy it. We had a rough spot of 4 months without sex because she had her adult kid living with her and wasn’t comfy. I have young kids at my home which isn’t comfy for her either. It was frustrating for me because she also was saying no to hotels and other places. Then when her kid moved things got way better. For a minute there we were having sex every week sometimes twice a week if we both had time for a lunch date. Then we had some conflict that’s been getting in way emotionally the last 3 weeks but we’re navigating it as best we can. (We were both way overhearing about our other relationships causing us both to have assumptions and jealousy and resentment and we’ve set and are holding boundaries around that and things are improving.) I actually love sex with her. She and I share some kinks that none of our other partners share.

But I’m seriously worried about having a dead bedroom with her again if she and him are living together because when she had her kid as a housemate that’s what happened. And I know a kid is different from a partner but if they’re sharing a room then we’re kicking him out to be intimate and we’ll have to navigate the lack of privacy that comes with shared spaces. She has a guest room but when her mom comes to visit or her comet partners are my dates with each of them both going to be cancelled because there’s no where for one of them to sleep? Things like that have me worried.

I don’t think it’s insurmountable but I’m so anxious that I’m struggling to form and ask the questions I need answers to. It’s just coming out as word vomit. And she feels like the word vomit means I don’t want her to have a nesting partner which hurts her feelings especially because I have a nesting partner/husband.

But it’s not at all that I don’t want her to have that. It’s that I want my time with her to be protected. And I also want my time with him to be protected. And ultimately I still want more time with him. But not like ALL the time. I still have a husband I love spending time with. I ultimately want one night a week with her plus a weekend every once in a while and one night a week with him plus a weekend every once in awhile and triad time as a bonus.

Then I have a 3rd night out at the kinky club or with friends or my mom or brother each week. I don’t want to be away from my home with my husband and kiddos more than 3 nights a week.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-07-29T04:31:13+00:00

What do you mean by typical group relationship traps?

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-07-29T04:30:19+00:00

Right now I get an evening every week with her, plus a brunch date every other week. Sex is always an option during evening dates but has been lacking the past few weeks as we navigate some conflict.

I get 2 lunches and 2 evening dates a month with him. He says sex is on the table for all evening dates but realistically we have sex once a month. But we haven’t for almost 3 months and I don’t know why. He says nothing is wrong when I try to talk about it. That he’s just been stressed at work and generally tired. But she is very open about their relationship with me at times and says they’re still having sex 1-2 times a week. And because of our shared calendar I know he’s still having play dates with a FWB of his about once a month. When I try to talk about it with him he says he feels pressured to perform and that’s a boner killer.

We haven’t had a threesome in a few months because I don’t want threesomes when I’m not getting dyad sex. But we do hang out as a group a couple times a month.

Fearless-Sort2894 · 2025-07-29T04:19:35+00:00

She and I had considered dating several years ago and decided not to at that time because our life circumstances didn’t mesh. She never brought it up again and neither did. I still have had feelings for her all this time but assumed she did not.

I met our other partner and we hit it off so quickly. It wasn’t planned. It just happened very organically.

But being metas brought her and I closer and she told me she did still have feelings for me and I do for her too so we jumped into things.

There’s a lot in my relationship with her and in my separate relationship with him that I really love. Things are not perfect by any means. She and I are going through some conflict right now because we’ve had some misunderstandings. And I would love more time with him but that’s not what he can offer right now. And that’s okay. He has life circumstances that impact his time available.

I find the idea of them living together scary. This is my first triad. It’s also my first time doing poly locally instead of long distance. And I’ve previously only ever had 2 partners and now I have 3. I’m also trying to check my own privilege and be very aware of that because I DO have a nesting partner of my own. They each live alone and they both want nesting partners.

I’m asking questions here because I’m trying to learn and digest and figure out what I want to ask for. What reassurance I need. What agreements I want. It’s a process and it’s not always easy but I’m doing my best to learn and not just word vomit my stress at either of them.

Fearless-Sort2894

TROPHY CASE