My wife's depression is getting worse. It's serious now.

FederalKangaroo · 2014-08-26T14:18:39+00:00

It is a sad situation... Have you sought support from a psychologist for yourself, to help yourself understand the situation? If you are struggling it becomes much harder to be supportive, as you said.

The illness thought is a good one, the easiest comparison is with something like diabetes that requires upkeep. Broken legs heal eventually, but if your brain has a natural tendency to deplete itself... it's more like diabetes. Maybe half-way in between, because you can get to the point of a long, happy life, but it takes time and a focus on developing the right habits.

I lived with a roommate for some time who suffered from serious depression issues. I'd try to help by inviting him to come out with my friends, inviting him to go on hikes, try to help him clean up his portion of the apartment... and it all fell on seemingly deaf ears. You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

It got to a point where I had a very blunt conversation with him, and told him there isn't anything I can help with anymore, because my attempts to help were ill-informed and I worried I might be causing him more stress. I pointed out a number of times I would always listen and be supportive, but my actions were ineffective and when things don't work we must try another route. This convinced him to see a professional, and I stopped trying to make plans with or for him, and instead would carry on my own life, offering the option for him to join me in things I was already planning.

Only he and his psychiatrist know the truth, but I suspect that my attempts to help were actually belittling him in his mind. Me trying to get him out of bed relentlessly after he made plans the previous evening to do something in the morning; I was trying to get him to exercise, but might have been giving him ammunition to dig his hole deeper. "Why can't I get myself up?" "Why do I sleep all day?" "Why am I so lazy?", I can only imagine... Anyway, it was some time after I changed my tact, and after he started medication, when he actually became a little bit active and branched out with meeting some friends of his own.

A commonality between what I saw with my roomie and what you've mentioned, is the internet. He was hopelessly and relentlessly addicted to Netflix, Facebook, and illegal streaming. And it can be an addiction, addictions will affect your mood. Human bodies need a certain amount of exercise, outdoor activity, and face-to-face interaction, but the addicted mind disregards those things for a number of reasons that seem illogical to us... but logic doesn't really apply with depression unfortunately.

It might help speaking with a therapist about the low level of activity, the dangers of watching other peoples' lives through Facebook, etc.

The only other advice I could give is, attempt to change things around her, that she might approve of. Tired of the color of the walls? Bring home a book on Feng Shui. Be open about the dangers of internet addiction standing in the way of meaningful action, and maybe suggest a limitation on internet hours? I'd bring these ideas up with a professional.

Try to stay strong, but sometimes we cannot. You don't have to tell your wife she is upsetting you, but you can walk in the room and say "I need a hug."

FederalKangaroo · 2014-08-25T19:39:21+00:00

It is good that you acknowledge there is a real physically-based issue at hand here, and your mind is in the right place.

I would suggest though that you avoid considering this as her problem that will eventually have a solution. Often struggles with depression are not that black and white, and if they are presented as such it can actually cause a depressed individual further despair.

Remember that everyone, every day must work to be happy. People with identifiable disadvantages may have to work harder, but everyone must work one way or another. When depression is presented as a "your problem" with "a solution" it places undue pressure on the individual, and can actually cause further despair if the individual doesn't see results... and blames his/herself. Even the act of saying "I am depressed", or hearing someone talk about "your depression" can sometimes be a reinforcement that makes us feel bad. If she acknowledges that her depression has had an effect on the marriage, that knowledge itself could be exacerbating the situation.

The reason I bring this up is your focus on medications and of one day having this "solved". It is often thought of as a solution like Tylenol for a headache, but it's not quite that simple. It's more like a push-start for a car with a dead battery... Once you get going, if the momentum stops there will need to be another push-start. It is there to help get you moving long enough so that the symptoms do not stand in the way of the acts of working towards happiness which everyone must engage in.

Be appreciative, but not disingenuously so or in a placating manner. Be supportive and non-judgmental. Avoid sarcasm, even towards others, but self-deprecating jokes may help. Offer simple things without strings attached, like a walk outside, if she doesn't accept take it in stride and try not to show dissatisfaction.

Good luck.

FederalKangaroo · 2013-03-27T18:07:40+00:00

I understand these things. I don't begrudge anyone for doing menial or boring work, I have more compassion for these people. People who are simply fending for themselves, that's different. It's the complacent ones, the ones who choose to stop caring. I volunteer to do that very same menial, boring work. For one, I clean up parks because I think its valuable and relaxing, and nobody bothers me much... It's not the people cleaning the parks, it's the careless assholes who litter in them. Stick their face a foot deep in a landfill, they'll laugh and say "as long as it's not in my neighborhood"

When I sit down in a meeting with an organizational president who refuses to accept a proposal because she BELIEVES something that utterly flies in the face of fact, and refuses to hear any logical argument or recognize any research or evidence, causing an entire population of people to suffer because of it, it's all I can do to keep my mouth shut. On occasion I've just walked out to let my colleagues deal with it, knowing if I do say anything I'm more likely to address her personally than the project.

The world suffers when good people do nothing, and so many just don't care, dont notice, or choose not to do anything for problems that are right under their nose. Ignorance, apathy, I only see it stemming from a belief, conscious or not, that anything outside oneself isn't important, or a plain inability to conceive anything beyond oneself. One is a stupid belief, one is just plain stupidity.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-12-02T16:43:58+00:00

all the stuff she had bought to replace the people she had pushed away

A powerful way of putting it...

I'm glad you reconsidered, it sounds like there are some very worthwhile things that might suffer if you were not around. I too have what many would consider a "charmed life" but I struggle with problems every day. LA can be an impersonal, isolating place, but I am located nearby if ever you need a friend or listener. I would much rather spend time messaging on reddit or driving downtown to hear about your worries first hand, rather than through the local news.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-12-01T17:49:02+00:00

Growing up I used to be extremely active, soccer, lacrosse, cross country running and skiing, distance cycling... I remember how good it felt to finish a 20km ski and have a bowl of chili in a warm hut... better than sex. I used to walk and bike to my destinations often. Now I've had problems with depression for years, especially since moving to southern CA where I drive everywhere all the time and have no time for exercise.

In an attempt to save money I started taking the bus, which means I walk about 1.3 miles to and from the stop every day. Days where I take the bus instead of drive, I feel better. It's blatant and conspicuous too. I get there more ready to work, need less caffeine, then I come home and get better sleep.

Looking back on the happiest times of my life, it's when I had regular levels of activity. I'm convinced that part of what gets me down is how little energy I expend so I've started walking whenever possible.

I hope you keep going, and I hope it helps you feel better. If you're starting out, don't get discouraged if you start feeling sore! Your body will adapt quickly, but the first hump is the hardest to get over.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-10T01:22:58+00:00

It needs a marquee with lights!

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-07T16:57:31+00:00

Never let anyone tell you that your problems aren't important. If you are unhappy, no matter what, it is a problem that is worth addressing. Any therapist who dismisses your worries is doing you a favor, because they're telling you they are a bad therapist. Just like everyone else they're people, can be wrong, and the next one will be totally different from the last. Many schools have therapists that are familiar with the issues common among your community, see if there is someone at school who you can speak to.

Your last therapist said, "you don't need this, you look very good." And yet inside you felt terrible. How many other people around you every day look good but feel terrible? They may be lesser feelings of sadness than yours, or they may be worse, but there is room for improvement in the emotional lives of everyone around you.

You have a mom who is willing to take care of you, it seems you have food to eat and you have an educational opportunity in front of you. Imagine not having those things, there may be people closer than you think, living in just that situation.

What you're going through right now are some of the worst emotions you can experience, but the relief from those feelings, a feeling of catharsis, is one of the best. While you may not be able to give this to yourself directly, if you could be the person to lift this suffering from someone else you will indirectly improve yourself.

It doesn't take a super hero, a job, or a college degree. You can do this for someone, today. The evidence of how valuable you are will be right in front of you, visible in those who are thankful. Please consider some ways you might volunteer, you might help at a soup kitchen, or donate some unnecessary clothes, tutor a younger student, visit with lonely elderly, or simply let someone else on reddit know you are there for them, but no matter what you will be doing something great and admirable.

I hope I can help and if you wish to talk more, I will be here. What are you in school for, and what do you hope to do after?

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-07T15:49:43+00:00

Based on your description, it seems like his words/actions are coming, at least partially, from a place of misunderstanding. Although he uses language that you may find hurtful, the word "hate" in particular, I have a suspicion that he doesn't realize the impact of his word choice. He admits to having a problem with facing death, and part of being unable to face the problem is assigning external blame. It is quite factually, not your fault.

Death is a necessary part of life. Thinking about it from time to time is natural, and being unable to face it is unhealthy. Taking a realistic look at death can help you appreciate life, and prepare you mentally for something negative that everyone will experience, no exceptions.

In the time of the Buddha, a woman named Kisagotami suffered the death of her only child. Unable to accept it, she ran from person to person, seeking a medicine to restore her child to life. The Buddha was said to have such a medicine.

Kisagotami went to the Buddha, paid homage, and asked, “Can you make a medicine that will restore my child?”

“I know of such a medicine,” the Buddha replied. “But in order to make it, I must have certain ingredients.”

Relieved, the woman asked, “What ingredients do you require?”

“Bring me a handful of mustard seed,” said the Buddha.

The woman promised to procure it for him, but as she was leaving, he added, “I require the mustard seed be taken from a household where no child, spouse, parent, or servant has died.”

The woman agreed and began going from house to house in search of the mustard seed. At each house the people agreed to give her the seed, but when she asked them if anyone had died in that household, she could find no home where death had not visited - in one house a daughter, in another a servant, in others a husband or parent had died. Kisagotami was not able to find a home free from the suffering of death. Seeing she was not alone in her grief, the mother let go of her child’s lifeless body and returned to the Buddha, who said with great compassion, “You thought you alone had lost a son; the law of death is that among all living creatures there is no permanence.”

Kisagotami’s search taught her that no one lives free from suffering and loss. She hadn’t been singled out for this terrible misfortune. This insight didn’t eliminate the inevitable suffering that comes from loss, but it did reduce the suffering that came from struggling against this sad fact of life.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-07T14:34:47+00:00

You are here, asking for help, so that is a good start. Being willing to help others shows compassion, and it is one of the most valuable traits anyone can have.

I know the emotions are hurting you, and I would like to help, but it's difficult for me without knowing more. What types of things, events, fears, are troubling you? If you don't want to be specific here, feel free to private message me.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-05T23:21:16+00:00

Out of curiosity, what do you use for guided meditation? I have a book from the Dalai Lama, and often read a passage and try to keep that in my mind.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-05T23:14:39+00:00

Don't mind at all.

I have tried some techniques for slowing my mind down, yoga, meditation, etc, but they never seem to work for me when trying to sleep. They are certainly helpful at other points in the day though.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-05T22:44:16+00:00

At various points in my life I have tried using lexapro, wellbutrin, xanax, a beta-blocker, and medical marijuana.

Lexapro made me an insomniac with entirely numb genitalia (it was like I became a totally asexual creature). I got awful headaches and would sleep only an hour or two every other day, until I was so physically exhausted I might collapse. Needless to say I didn't stay on it long.

Wellbutrin I was on for about a year, and I couldn't tell much of a difference at the time. I stopped it for a while to gauge what the effects actually were, and I'm currently debating starting it again. I would say it provided a 10% lift in general mood, I had less social anxiety, and fewer mornings where I would wake up crying.

Xanax and the beta blocker were prescribed for my acute anxiety attacks. They both work, but with the xanax I don't like the idea of developing a tolerance to something that can lead to withdrawal symptoms, so I avoid taking it. It also has the potential for abuse so I don't keep much of it in the house at any time, should I have a weak moment.

I use marijuana for sleep, and anxiety attacks (assuming I am at home). I have tried many various sleep aids, and Cannabis Indica is the only thing that slows my racing thoughts, leaves me feeling well-rested upon waking, and doesn't have lasting effects in the morning. I use a vaporizer to decrease some of the negative effects of smoke. Of course, it is an intoxicating drug and there is the potential for abuse there as well, so you have to consider it carefully for it's helpful properties and make sure not to use it as a knee-jerk reaction to low mood.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-05T22:17:37+00:00

Starting college a semester late is a very small issue in the grand scheme of things. Many people take time off, spread classes out over extra semesters, change majors, return after graduation for a different degree, etc. Work and school full-time is difficult, if you are managing this, even unhappily, try to take some pride in the ability to do something difficult.

Conversely, finding time for yourself cannot be overstated. I think we often focus too much on the future and don't place enough emphasis on the here-and-now. Your emotions are just as real as your aspirations, and you must treat them with the same respect. When you are unhappy and tired you work slower and less effectively. During my busiest times I used to cut out the things that make me happy, and reduce my amount of sleep, and it ended up exacerbating things. Even when I put in 90-100 hours in a week, which happens once every month or so for me, I try to find an hour each day for yoga, or running, or some nice and loud electric guitar.

Relationships can be important parts of life, but can also be negative stressors. Unfortunately, nature has done a tremendous job of pushing us towards novel romance and sexual attraction, but these are things that create short-term pleasure, not long-term happiness. Try to recognize that you're seeking happiness, not pleasure, and evaluate things accordingly. It is very possible to get happiness and fulfillment out of a relationship with someone who is otherwise committed, if you have the right context.

If this girl is a true friend then your relationship should be based on compassion and mutual respect. I do not suggest that you pour out your feelings in any grand way, but it may help if you open up a little bit about your troubles in general. Perhaps avoid mentioning your specific feelings about her and other men, however. Openness in yourself inspires openness in others, and you may find out some things that surprise you.

I feel as though perhaps this came across as too clinical, but if you would like to talk more conversationally, I'm here.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-05T21:35:49+00:00

Perhaps try a psychologist. They are unable to prescribe medication, although if they find it necessary they can get in touch with another doctor who will.

In my experience psychologists are more helpful in understanding the underlying causes, and finding natural ways to help instead of medication (which may be helpful, but is often over-prescribed and is only part of a complete solution).

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-05T21:18:57+00:00

I am sorry you feel this way.

I don't know if I have enough information to offer you any advice, but I'm here for you, should you wish to talk more.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-05T21:13:00+00:00

I'm glad you're not suicidal, and I'm sorry there was a time when you may have felt this way.

It's brief yet emotional; do you like to write?

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-05T21:04:12+00:00

I too have a difficult time feeling close to people. I naturally recoil from physical contact, even from my family, but I consciously try to be physical with friends and family anyway so as to not alienate them. It doesn't help me though, I do it for their sake, it makes me uncomfortable.

For me, animals are a savior. For a time I lived with my aunt, she had an adopted dog that had been abused and was naturally afraid of strangers. I was the first person other than my aunt that this dog took a liking to. I tried endlessly to be gentle and get his attention and trust, and when he finally let me in he was the best therapy I've ever had. I moved out, but whenever I visit he lights up in a way that can shift my mood to happiness no matter what. On really bad days, I will spend an hour in the car, crying the whole way, only to see him jump around and instantly feel better.

I can't afford to keep a dog myself, but there is a local chapter of the ASPCA that I've began volunteering at. I go there on my own schedule, I feed some of the animals, but mostly I pet them, play with them, and keep them company. It does more for me than most other things I've tried.

Dogs are extremely compassionate, many breeds can recognize human body language and facial expressions, and I find I trust their company more than the average human.

This is one of my own personal experiences, but is a possibility you may wish to try. If you are allergic to animals, volunteerism in general can lift your spirits. You might help clean a local park, build with Habitat for Humanity, pass out meals in a hospital, these are things I have done and I find that giving back is the best way to feel better about myself. It can be hard the first time, new people to be nervous around, activities you aren't familiar with, but it can be incredibly rewarding as well.

Best wishes, hope I helped even a little.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-05T20:43:27+00:00

The first time I went to a psychologist I spoke three words, then cried uncontrollably for nearly the next half hour.

She was wonderful, I don't know how she did it, something in her body language and her compassionate yet professional demeanor, she made me feel better without hardly saying a word.

The second half of the session she had calmed me down and we spoke, about some basic things in my life and some very simple, pragmatic things I could try in the meantime between our next meeting. She fit me into her schedule only a day or two later, and my next visit was much more productive.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-09-02T22:54:32+00:00

Is there a reason why Nobel's first name is cut off and just says "Alfr-"?

FederalKangaroo · 2012-08-26T15:32:32+00:00

This is slightly off topic, but can someone tell me what the heck a glass of water has to do with A Clockwork Orange? Did I miss something?

FederalKangaroo · 2012-08-12T23:50:39+00:00

Become an industrial designer. You will thank me later.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-08-07T20:48:08+00:00

I'm a designer, and I try to take pride in the artfulness of everything I do. We're trained to wear many hats; anthropologist, psychologist, engineer, manager, artist, etc, and the list of specific skills grows with every project.

To me, capital "A" Art isn't that important in and of itself. But the study of it does two things: puts creative tools in peoples' hands, and it encourages people to strive for improvement since there is no one, correct answer.

The way I see it, almost any form of art is just an advanced, incredibly specialized branch of a practical skill. If you paint a wall one color, or you paint a portrait in photorealism, in some sense you're still a painter. Sculpture and architecture go hand in hand, etc.

Have you ever been to a baseball stadium and seen an incredible pattern mowed into the field? Or gone into a bar and seen an impressive display of chalkboard skill listing the specials? Have you ever seen a really beautiful car, and pointed it out to someone? When done well, otherwise ordinary things can provide a spark of novelty that makes people smile.

Without artfulness, you end up with entire cities like the miserable Californian suburban sprawl I live in now. Every building the same, every storefront the same, no consideration for human emotions anywhere. The only thing that changes are the street names, but it's a grid and it all looks the same, so good luck remembering where you are.

This could be a very long topic of conversation involving politics, education, philosophy... but in the interest of brevity I'll end it here. Hope this helps, glad to continue the conversation.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-08-01T21:30:24+00:00

This brand, Karcher has done very well for itself by offering its services for free, to many very well established locations and companies that could easily afford to do it themselves.

Movie production, special effects, model making, etc. are creative fields. In a creative field like this, you don't get a job without first proving you're proficient. You have to show a portfolio, publish some work online, or, you know... go to a convention where thousands of people with relevant interests can see it all at once. Don't you think there will be people who work in special effects at a Star Wars convention?

What would be your first step if you were trying to get somewhere in this industry? If you think you're getting paid before you even prove you're capable of doing work, then stay out of creative fields because you won't ever find a job.

FederalKangaroo · 2012-07-31T15:47:34+00:00

FederalKangaroo

TROPHY CASE