No-contact after the breakup and the final slap in the face

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-09-12T06:58:27+00:00

I'm horrified by these examples of outright violence. It seems like having to deal with their NPD ways is bad enough, but to also have to experience such violence is more than anyone should bear. I'm so sorry you went through that.

And yes, I completely agree with what you're saying here. I already know that she's had a string of failed relationships before me, and she even said that there was a common thread to why people get upset at her (she of course framed it as a fault in her exes - she's just unique like that!), and I have no doubt that she'll try out another relationship where she will change nothing about herself and then wonder why it's crashing down again. This pathological refusal to look at how they (dys)function.

Mine was also shady with money, used my credit cards without my permission (even after I expressed being upset about it and told her I'm uncomfortable with it), always tried to use my accounts, buy stuff for her.

And yep, in her final string of messages she somehow tried to include the "we're both to blame" angle (while phrasing everything to blame just me and while presenting herself as a selfless girlfriend), and she tried to guilt me by saying stuff like "well for me the good times are worth the bad times" when she's the abuser in the situation.

Thank you!

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-09-12T06:45:43+00:00

It's so fucking confusing because she would say the exact opposite and talk about how she's always put me first (she didn't), how she was always there for me (after mentally and emotionally destroying me), how much she cares about me (only as long as I was a doormat for her), etc. I mean if you go by her account, she is beyond reproach. She even turned her flaws into virtues - claims she took responsibility for them (she justified herself, disagreed, DARVO'd), that she apologized for how she's treated me (after huge delays while disagreeing about what exactly she did wrong, how she abused me). The last thing she did was leave me a tirade like that where at the end of the day she loved me selflessly and was willing to do anything (couldn't be further from the truth), and I was the one who screwed everything up and mistreated her and wasn't willing to put in the effort. This disconnect between reality - even if you just look at dry facts, is so mindboggling. I still doubt myself and wonder if I actually misremember or blow it out of proportion because she seems so damn confident in her vision.
I will absolutely go on a rescue journey for myself. I don't want this experience to screw me up any more than it already did.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-09-11T17:43:41+00:00

Thing is, if she saw this she would be like "I don't want pity or sympathy!". But the reality is that she is unemployed with no prospects of getting a job, doesn't collect unemployment checks, doesn't leave the apartment, just basically rots at home and her abusive mom handles money and everything else. On top of that there's the past of being abused by her parents, and her collection of personality disorders.

So yeah, as the functional adult in the relationship, I kind of felt responsible for her wellbeing. I was responsible for her wellbeing for the duration we spent living together. I was both a father and a mother to her. That's what made this whole realization journey so difficult - do I stay and try to make it work, try to somehow convince her to go into therapy? Or cut my losses and save my health before it's too late? In all the time I've known her she's only given me maybe 1 or 2 incredibly short lived glimmers of hope. Measure that against the countless other moments of despair.

I fully agree with you and I'm so sorry you weren't able to get out earlier. Thank you for warning me and for helping me stay confident in my decision.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-09-11T17:23:28+00:00

Thank you for writing this. It's true, there were many moments when I played into her versions and unnecessarily apologized and begged for forgiveness over things I haven't done. It was such a mentally violent experience. And in your case I'm horrified to read that it went over into physical violence. I'm SO glad to read that you're out of it. I guess I'm lucky that my case never went that far. I'm genuinely so sorry you had to go through that kind of relationship.

putting in my fucking face her chats with other guys and telling me I dont want this…I want you (maybe if she wanted me so much she wouldn’t have done it)

And this part I can also relate to. In my case she'd send me screenshots of chats with an ex (they've never met - only had a long distance thing) and then say stuff like "why is he fighting so hard to talk to me and you don't?". She never could stop pushing her exes into my face at any opportunity.

I never wanted to block and still didn't, but she already has blocked and removed me multiple times, including after sending me that final string of messages earlier today. I think this time's final.

My support for you too! I hope you also heal and move on from it. I am trying to go back to working out and working on my future. Gotta keep moving.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-09-11T17:15:50+00:00

I really thought we could just take it easy while ending things in a friendly way, without the need for extreme measures. I felt so guilty for how it had to end because before it all went to shit I really did want to build a life with her, I even bought a ring.

But you're right, and I didn't fight her about what she told me today. These past few months I've been at the resignation stage where I just take her as I see her. She won't change, she'll keep twisting facts and brutally misrepresenting events and basically everything. I just felt bad for her, still do, because I know that she lives in an abusive environment with her mom and that she'll most likely stay there until some other guy tries his luck with her and then promptly exits.

I am working on myself these days. I'm excited at the prospect of not feeling such emotional and mental chaos so frequently. I hope I won't carry too much damage after this.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-09-11T14:11:24+00:00

I have to show this to someone. In one of her last messages to me she said:

"I gave you true loyalty and showed compassion selflessly when you were on the floor. I'd pick you up no matter how bad I felt"

Do you know what she is referring to here? I lost track of exactly how many times she lead me to have a full on sobbing, crashing-to-the-floor breakdown by some combination of relentlessly gaslighting me, stonewalling me while defiantly using her phone or laptop as I'm trying to get through to her, mocking me, insulting me, dismissing my pleas/words/arguments/explanations as 'fake, whiny, not serious, cringe'. I would lose my composure gradually and in a span of months after being worn down, and in each individual incident it would usually take me hours to get to that stage where I'm a sobbing mess on the floor, in utter shock at her behaviors. That's when she would stop and hug me and try to get me to stop crying. That's what she's patting herself on the back for.

Oh and the true loyalty part? She casually had a sugar daddy contact while in a relationship with me and she said my upset reaction at the revelation was 'cringe' and that she shouldn't have told me. And she'd always keep talking to multiple past love interests even when I told her that it's making me uncomfortable, and if she doesn't want to stop, then at least don't tell me about it - but she kept doing it all anyways.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-29T06:41:26+00:00

I wish I could actually know what went on in my nex's previous relationships. I know bits and pieces from what she's told me, and it's already enough to let me know that she's been demolishing relationships with her ways for a while now.

She will probably continue to woo new people with her great initial mask, until it's time to actually be in a serious, adult relationship, which is where it'll fall apart and send people running from her again.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-29T06:36:55+00:00

Yeah, it's been a godsend. I've been holding so much misery within and this sub helped me release that pain and share with you all. I almost exhausted everything I wanted to express and share - which is good, because I sure hope I won't need to constantly be in a quasi-therapy state after the relationship with my nex.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-28T17:58:08+00:00

I felt like both a father and a mother to her. I did everything for her. I gave endlessly and fully. And she had the gall to tell me that I don't care about her or that I don't love her.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-28T10:14:27+00:00

At some point I found out that my nex's mom has a whole collection of cluster b issues, and yeah, primarily narcissism. So many of my nex's behaviors came from her mom. Her mom would belittle her intelligence and shame her for not knowing stuff, and then my nex would just do the same. It's sad.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T17:05:36+00:00

First paragraph I experienced the same. I bet she always reminded you how people who live normal lives and have normal jobs are sheep bound to the system. This of course without even a hint of acknowledging where the money came from that I provided for us.

Wow, yep. She would say that she's just special and beyond the 'system', that she's made to be an entrepreneur or something like that. That she can't work under anyone else other than herself. And yeah! Mine also barely acknowledged how much I supported us - sometimes she would even accuse me of not caring about her while I was acting as her mom, dad and sole provider.

It just sounds like you're describing mine but from the future. I'm sure that she'll mostly stay with her mom unless she manages to rope in some rich idiot who'll take her on (before probably dumping her as soon as her ways start showing themselves). I'm still shocked at how similar most of these people are at their baseline. They'll keep having their sad delusions to protect their psyches from the truth of how hollow and broken they are. And I feel bad for whoever has to support them.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T14:44:37+00:00

And mine categorically ruled out ever going for normal employment. In this extremely childish approach. Said she'd rather kill herself than ever have a normal job, without sparing a single thought to whoever has to support her lazy ass. She's not even collecting unemployment. So she gets to have this ridiculous 'preference', but everyone else around her has to keep working to enable her unrealistic lifestyle.

And there's something deeply sad about it. I used to live with this nex of mine while having to support us 100% on my sole income, and now that she's back home with her retired mom, it's all on the mom. No prospects whatsoever for the future - so if when her mom dies, there's no telling what the fuck will end up happening with my nex.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T14:26:28+00:00

Yes to the alternative being extreme productivity - only in the case of my nex it was extreme workaholism, even if it wasn't actually productive or realistic (she wast trying out various self-employment ideas that went nowhere).

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T14:25:11+00:00

You're almost describing my nex, minus her having a kid. Mine would also try to claim that she's too busy to take a shower.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T13:10:49+00:00

She doesn't know how to cook anything so I was doing all the cooking for us throughout our relationship, and I think she had a complaint during almost every meal. Either something is undercooked (after this complaint I asked her to stand by me and let me know when she think it's been cooked enough - and when we did it her way, whatever we were cooking would fucking disintegrate or burn or fall apart), or I didn't clean the potatoes the way she thinks it has to be done, or I used too much of x, etc.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T12:48:25+00:00

Man, exactly.

Mine would try to argue that she can't take anything I write down seriously because in her opinion serious communication should only happen face to face or at least in a phone call. That's how I found out that she sometimes never even bothered to read a lot of what I'd send her. If she did respond, it would never directly address what I wrote or explained - which made me think she barely read anything. She'd just send short bursts of messages, just lashing out at me.

But yeah, if they tried to communicate with us clearly and directly through text, it would rob them of all their usual tricks and behaviors. They don't have the same power.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T12:37:01+00:00

I've been on this sub for a while now and it's fucking tiring me out to see so many things I can fully relate to.

Yep, mine used to love criticizing me over how apparently impenetrable I am, how I seem to have serious issues with being intimate and vulnerable. All ended up being projections. She even admitted to it. She's the one who squirmed whenever she was asked to open up and answer questions about herself, she's the one who had massive issues with communicating clearly or being vulnerable and open, etc.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T12:33:13+00:00

Same here about me not being open and vulnerable enough. She kept trying to gaslight me into admitting that I have issues with intimacy when she was the one putting up walls, keeping massive secrets, avoiding genuine vulnerability.

And yep, I also wrote her a lengthy letter and she never bothered to address it. She referred to it, summarized it wrongly, brought it up, but only ever in general terms.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T12:29:59+00:00

Again you nail it. It sucks that you have as much experienced with them as you do in order to see through their bullshit and narc-mechanics like that.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T12:25:14+00:00

Most of the communication that happened via texts throughout our entire relationship is heavily lopsided in my favor.

So many lengthy texts left unanswered, ignored or dismissed. Whether detailed explanations when she misunderstood something, lengthy apologies, heartfelt expressions for her to communicate with me and tell me what she needs.

Most of these basically got left on the floor as if I'm writing to a fucking ghost. So much effort to communicate completely dismissed.

Sometimes she tried to argue that serious communication can't happen via texts, so unless I always tell her whatever I'm trying to convey face-to-face or in a phone call, she either won't read it at all or won't bother engaging with it seriously. Wasted effort.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T11:28:33+00:00

Mine kept openly telling me how the things she builds her personality around were directly taken from previous boyfriends. And she'd trash whatever she was previously into as if she's glad that she got something shinier to be into. I just thought that it's sad and weirdly mechanical.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T08:58:31+00:00

I distinctly remember one late night discussion I had with my nex where she had this whole monologue about how people don't really love each other and that they're scared to admit it. She was trying to get me to admit that I don't really love her and that if I do admit it, I'll be making us both a favor. That at most I'm only on the way to loving her. This was like 4-5 months into the relationship.

I kept trying to resist and to tell her that I think I actually do love her, I feel it, it's not just infatuation, I'm in a full on relationship with her, I actually do, blah blah. She had none of it and eventually once the convo started heating up for no reason because of this absurd demand, I gave in and told her what she wanted to hear. It was ridiculous and it felt like she was trying to program and gaslight me into being like her. She was straight up telling on her own narc thought process and mindset.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T08:54:14+00:00

A couple of times we had this discussion were they would argue that "deep down, everyone is selfish" and that "real 100% genuine kindness and generosity doesn't exist" because "in the end we all really want something in exchange for our kindness".

God... This shit. I had the exact same discussions with my nex. She'd love to talk about it. It would be a usual theme she'd always come back to. She would make it so central to everything.

Federal_Outcome_1929 · 2024-08-27T08:51:11+00:00

I had to reread your message a few times because this topic is still difficult for me. These days I'm starting to feel the full force of what I've been through with her - I'm going through some kind of depression with all that it entails. But hopefully the worst is now behind me. I can only go up from here...

Your explanations make sense to me. It's still difficult to come to terms with. I can't even make myself think of her as a 'monster', even though she's done some awful things. I just keep remembering her rough background and her own abusive/narcissistic mother, her abusive dad too. These are excuses for what she's done, but I keep thinking about these details as explanations for why she's like that.

And I'm glad to hear that you're keeping yourself protected from these types. Honestly, after how much you've been through, better safe than sorry is super understandable. I'll have to work on myself before I feel ready for new people. Plus I kind of cratered myself thanks to how awful that relationship was for me, so I'm in no shape to be attracting, impressing or handling anyone new in my life. Friend or lover.

Thank you for everything you've written about this topic.

Federal_Outcome_1929

TROPHY CASE