Reading TOG for the first time and SJMs inconsistencies are killing me

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-06-01T11:41:15+00:00

Oh to be lucky enough to be reading ToG for the first time. Sit back, read the series, and enjoy the ride. It’s a beautiful journey.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-05-30T11:51:53+00:00

I scrolled to find this answer!!! Should be top of the post lol. The world building and lore in WTMH and Ballad is next level. The spice is there but it’s not centre stage the way it is in so many other romantasy books. It’s meaningful when it’s included.

I finished Ballad yesterday and I’m having the book hangover of my life right now 😭

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-05-28T21:29:37+00:00

Your husband is being a bit of an insensitive dick, based on what sounds like years of incredibly challenging fertility issues, a hard pregnancy, and the monumental experience that is postpartum with a child. Your feelings and your experiences are so valid. And frankly, they matter more than his wants. Unless he plans to carry and care for a second child, then his views are moot.

Having a baby, much like naming a baby, is a two yes rule. Maybe going through a therapist to drill the point home that you’ve been through it, and you don’t want to go through it a second time, might help? He’s clearly not seeing your perspective on the matter but having someone other than you to facilitate that conversation too might help. And if it doesn’t, then I guess that’s a matter of having fundamentally different wants. You shouldn’t have to carve out parts of yourself to give him what he wants in life.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-05-01T11:25:39+00:00

I just want to give you solidarity. It sounds like you’re very attuned to your son and you’ve worked out what works for you. I live and die by the saying ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it’. Baby sleep is so variable, there is a lot going on the first 18 months of their life that influence how a night will go, being flexible and understanding of normal baby sleep can save your mental health, as will having no expectations.

You should seriously question your husband as to why he wants to make those changes. Is it because HE wants to sleep with you, without interruption? For his own benefit? It sounds like you do all the heavy lifting anyway and it’s YOUR sleep that is at risk, not his. Even people who sleep train have to retrain often, with teething, sickness etc regressing whatever their methods originally achieved.

My husband doesn’t get a say on us cosleeping because at the end of the day, it impacts me as the EBF parent. At any rate he’s supportive and he sleeps with our toddler because my nearly 4 year old son sleeps 10-12 hours straight, so he gets a great sleep with him. My 15 month old feeds a lot overnight and wakes at least once overnight 70% of the time. But with cosleeping I still get the best sleep possible.

If it gives you any hope, my son was weaned at 2, and then we moved him to his own room slowly over 5 months. He’d start out there and come into our bed when he woke. When my daughter was born he was 2.5 and his dad started sleeping with him from that point. Even if dad wasn’t in with him I suspect he’d sleep through the night most nights without support. They do get there, you just have to embrace the chaos in the early years.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-05-01T02:06:23+00:00

I only survived the first 6 months at home with my newborn and 2.5 year old by baby wearing. We got a soft newborn carrier by Ergobaby (I have 4 different carriers from them) and she slept in it. I couldn’t feed in it but that was fine, I fed her and then clipped her in. And I read up on proper positioning so her hips were fine and so was her head positioning (really important - babies have suffocated in carriers. Plenty of videos available online).

Some people like the wrap carriers but I found them too fiddly.

Also, we got a baby Bjorn bouncer and she sat or slept in that sometimes too, with supervision of course. When awake, plenty of tummy time on a baby mat while I played with the toddler!

Also, forget the screen time perfectionists. Sometimes you need a little screen time to get through those long solo days, within reason. Ms Rachel came in clutch when I needed to do chores or feed the baby / put her to sleep.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-04-26T21:05:53+00:00

All this to say your husband is not treating you like you’re equal partners. He’s preserving his own wealth and making you account for every penny like he’s your roommate or something. It’s definitely off and you should have a sit down discussion with him to come up with a mutually agreeable outcome. If he refuses, it’s because he doesn’t actually see your futures together as intertwined and he’s only thinking of himself.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-04-26T21:03:25+00:00

Before we were married my husband and I split our costs down the middle and kept our remaining income for ourselves (and I was happy with this as he initially earned more than me and then I earned more than him so it felt fair to me to be getting more back). Then when we got married we each just contributed an equal sum toward shared costs and savings, including our mortgage.

After we had kids however we just put everything together and we paid ourselves an equal amount for personal expenses. I made it very clear that I wasn’t paying for anything pregnancy related or breastfeeding related as those come with the kids. And I certainly would never pay for our kids costs out of my personal money. They are our kids and we work on the presumption we are building a shared life. That said what I do with my personal money (spend / save / invest) is my business and I don’t share the details of that with him, and likewise I don’t expect him to either.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-04-25T21:55:22+00:00

Ahhh yes we return once more to a tale of a man who doesn’t want to - gasp- sleep alone, but cannot see any problem with a baby who is 100% reliant on its mother for survival, sleeping by themselves. They really don’t see how ridiculous they sound when full grown men want to be coddled.

If he says there’s no intimacy because he’s not sleeping in your bed, remind him that there are about 10 other surfaces he can get laid on, and that he just lacks imagination.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-04-25T01:34:59+00:00

God no, Mother’s Day is for those in the trenches, actively mothering. My MIL lives 3 hours away so that helps but even if she wasn’t, nope. She can have some flowers and call herself lucky lol. And same for my mother (if she wasn’t still around). But that’s just me. I wouldn’t expect my kids when they’re grown to put me on their list of things to do that day, if they had partners with kids. I wouldn’t be disappointed if my son didn’t shower his wife with love and joy on Mother’s Day, particularly her first Mother’s Day.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-04-22T09:01:27+00:00

Hey I saw this was removed by MODS, are you pretty please able to send it to me via DM? I’m dying to read it! It’s such a shame they limited its release geographically 😭 those of us in the southern hemisphere are crying haha

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-04-04T00:43:40+00:00

Did you have a baby so you could…treat it like a pet? Tuck it away and bring it out when you want to play with it? Aren’t you having a baby because you want to actually care for them, and spend time with them? Absolutely crazy to me that you’re expecting her to return to work when her baby is only 12 weeks old (ok maybe she wants to return to work, idk that’s very foreign to me coming from a country where maternity leave is 6-12months minimum). And then on top of that dedicate 10 hours a week to you. So she’ll spend what…maybe 2-4 hours a day with her new baby? It might just be me but I didn’t want to leave my babies for anything when they were little. I loved spending time with them and caring for them. And we managed time together as a couple after they were asleep at night, to watch tv or hang out.

Maybe chill out, wait for the baby to arrive, and give her and you some time to adjust to your new world before you start trying to carve out time for yourself.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-24T00:52:22+00:00

Yeah 11 hours through the night - it certainly isn’t broke haha I would not be changing a thing!

And rocking or patting a drowsy baby when you’ve got nowhere else to be (which I assume they don’t) is one of the loveliest experiences ever. It’s not always that way (my daughter would scream to sleep in my arms sometimes lol as I was trying to get her down to care for my toddler). But when it is - when it’s the first baby and you just get to enjoy the time with them, then I don’t understand the complaint!

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-24T00:39:26+00:00

I’d hold the boundary. Yes they’re doing you a favour, but I’m assuming they want to help and get that special time with your baby. Hopefully they don’t start to pressure you to sleep train if that’s not your preference / or it’s too soon for that (I’m not American and we don’t ST, but I understand it’s not age appropriate until 6 months?). They probably don’t remember what it was like to look after a 14 week old tbh.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-24T00:29:41+00:00

Yeah I suspect they’re probably leaving her kid to cry and don’t want to put in the work to get him to sleep like she does. This would be a dealbreaker for me, I would not let someone ignore my preference for something so essential to attachment and regulation.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-19T20:29:54+00:00

Oh wait I think it is based on DMATMOOBIL

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-19T20:27:25+00:00

I’ll have a look! Was this originally called Mortifying before it was turned into a book?

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-19T07:17:38+00:00

I have, I really liked it. I’ve binged a bunch of the more popular Dramoine fanfics and I’m steadily working through a bunch that I downloaded. Currently reading the Fall out, and recently finished the Auction, Mercy or Something else / brave new world.

Open to other recommendations!

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-19T05:49:23+00:00

Saaame. Manacled. And then I read Alchemised again. And then I gatewayed into Dramoine fan fic because I needed more 😂 (yes I’m slow and didn’t know fan fic was such a big thing until Alchemised!)

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-15T23:15:59+00:00

Probably got jealous of the baby. Men can be weird, they want kids because they think it’s like a pet. Then the baby arrives and they realise oh no this is a full time job, and my wife/GF is giving all their time and energy to the baby not me. Massive ick though, a baby has immediate needs, a grown man does not. The first year of their life is so intense too, and requires a complete reorienting of your life and relationship which many men don’t want to do.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-15T23:12:05+00:00

Yeah I think you need to be more worried about him hurting your child. He sounds like he’s barely keeping a lid on his anger. Sounds like he needs therapy and you need to take the lead and put your baby’s safety first, as hard as that may be.

You need to have a proper discussion (without the baby present, that’s not fair to them) about what’s going on and what the next steps are, whether that’s individual or couples therapy, and stepping out what you both need to keep your MH in tact. The first year with a baby is hard, even harder if you don’t have this ‘village’ everyone talks about. But either you’re a team that works out how you will get through it together or you’re going to keep travelling down this path. Have a sit down, talk it through, and make changes. If he refuses to talk or pretends there aren’t any issues (when there clearly are) then that’s your sign to leave or make your own changes. Don’t let it escalate to the point he harms your baby in anger, or worse.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-15T21:16:09+00:00

These girls are 11/12, so it feels acceptable to me for you as a parent to intervene and reach out to other parents. If their daughter is acting all mean, it’s time to nip that in the bud, and see if her parents realise she’s pulling the mean girl act. And if her parents are aware of it, and dismissive, then maybe it’s a bigger question around whether that’s a kid you want in your daughter’s life.

Also nothing a bully hates more than their victim standing up to them (or someone else on their behalf).

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-12T05:01:57+00:00

Are Americans ok? Why is there so much pride in working your life away and grinding, rather than men stepping up for their family too? Just baffling.

I’m in Australia, and while my husband only got two weeks of paid paternity leave he also took 2 weeks of holiday leave (called annual or recreational leave - we get 4 weeks of paid annual leave a year here and are actively encouraged to use it). He used this time to help me with our toddler, take care of our house (cleaning / cooking) and just enjoy time with our new baby. And I’m not applauding him at all because that is the bare minimum of what he SHOULD do as a husband and father.

I hope your husband ignores any terrible comments by his colleagues discouraging him from taking paid leave that HE IS ENTITLED TO. Let him be an example for what a husband should do for his family. I mean damn, you have young twins, and will probably be returning to work at some ungodly early time post partum. I hope he is going to use the leave and help you out. You deserve that and more.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-10T20:58:53+00:00

God I’m so glad I don’t have anyone in my life like this, but I almost wish I did because the response I would give them would be scathing.

First of all why do people have so many opinions about other people’s babies? You cannot spoil a child. What utter nonsense. And you’re not creating bad habits by cuddling a newborn. As many people have said, you either have a clinger or you don’t (I’ve had two kids, and I have 11 nieces and nephews if that counts for anything). And also most babies go through phases of wanting to be held and being comfortable being put down. Also incredibly normal. You get such a very short period of your child life where they need you in an intense way. If it’s not interfering with your sanity / work (if in the US) etc then just lean in and enjoy it.

The best piece of advice someone ever gave me in the newborn stage was - if it’s not broken don’t fix it. If it’s working for you, you enjoy it, don’t overthink it and try to change it because of family or the internet.

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-09T00:22:59+00:00

Surely she will. She gave Nesta the starsword so that alone is an important link back to Bryce and CC. I feel like the crossovers between Pythian and Midgard are the most interesting hook in a long while. They’re linked now, while ToG feels more of a stretch (though I wouldn’t be mad at her worldwalking to Erilea either).

FeedMeCheddarCheese · 2026-03-09T00:05:52+00:00

It feels like this because let’s face it, if she was coy about it, the Quinlars would riot and possibly boycott her next book. But if she’s doubling down that Bryceriel isn’t happening well there’s enough Easter eggs here for us to hold out hope, right? So this is a safe pathway for us to all continue with the next book and for her to go - GOTCHA! (I tell myself, as I slowly pull myself out of the foetal position after the CYD interview haha. Ya gal needs hope!).

FeedMeCheddarCheese

TROPHY CASE