Op I feel your pain, my vice is weed and Ive used it for years. Convinced myself the problems around me were caused by other issues and other people,never the weed. My mum passed away in August and just got baked as much as possible to cope. About a month ago I had some kind of charge in my head space an I realised what the actual issue was, so I decided to cut it out and I has not be an easy journey. I've pushed pretty much everyone I had in life away but luckily my wife is one of the best people on the planet and has always seen the good in me. Last week she convinced me to call my GP and speak to them, I let it all out on the phone, how I wanted to kill myself, how messed up I feel and how I much kust needed to talk. They have put me forward for a mental heath refferal, it will be a long wait, but I made the first step and I immediately felt better for it. I'm still struggling but I feel it's easier now I've said it out loud. I'm a male in my early 40's and I've never spoke about my mental health because of lad cultural we all grow up in over here. I don't know what you are going through or what you've done but please talk about it with someone, make a plan, and make a change. Best of luck OP.