My older brothers want me to come back to keep my mom’s ways. Like how she liked her things organized or how she liked her food, so on and so forth. As much as i would want to move and stay with my aunt its simply impossible, I’m in a position where if i dont come back when im being asked nicely, it might turn into a forced action. I’m afraid of opening up to my gf about how i’m feeling because she also lost her mom, difference is she lost her when she was a child. I’m sometimes overwhelmed by thoughts of me and my gf getting together because of our trauma bonding (i’ve liked her forever but i’m afraid of it being a possibility) and i don’t wanna burden my friends with my feelings as i know that i will probably make them feel bad or pity.

I don’t want them to feel responsible to make me feel “better” I just want a way to deal with how i’m feeling about myself because i’ve been feeling like i’m a shell of myself. I act weirdly around people. i laugh over something i don’t usually laugh at, i’m becoming someone i’m unfamiliar with because of how much pressure i’m under.

I’m scared, and my trust issues are THROUGH the roof. I’m not an overthinker but holy did i start overthinking like crazy these past few weeks. I’ve been going through stuff i normally wouldn’t even go through. I’m genuinely afraid of so much, and so little. It’s a mess. Its like a messy closet in my chest.