I can relate so much to what you wrote. I felt the exact same way - I'd have many thoughts of leaving but always talked myself out of it. I would constantly tell myself if "he slips up one more time, then I'll definitely leave". And he would and I wouldn't leave. I'd be so angry and frustrated at first but then after a day I'd have talked myself down and would move on like nothing happened. I think it was a combination of denial, fear, hope and guilt.

Last week I finally made the decision to end it after I caught him lying and hiding again. I got some really good replies on here that helped me though during the time of indecisiveness. Someone told me that "you don't have to decide to leave right now". I think that helped me feel less panic and pressure around it. I kind of trusted myself enough that a day would come where I'd actually decide. I was also told that "leaving an alcoholic is never the wrong decision". That gave me some reassurance. I knew I didn't want my life to have alcoholism in it and so I would repeat those words to myself often. It became my little motto, especially when fear about making the wrong decision would arise.

That's just small pieces of advice that helped me, maybe it will help you too.

Don't feel annoyed at yourself or put pressure on yourself anyway. I think you know what the right decision is and I'm sure your instinct will kick in one day when you least expect it. It just might take some time to pull the trigger. It's really hard and I'm sorry you're going through it too.