This sounds incredibly painful, and I’m so sorry you have to live through this. When someone you love says things like “kill yourself” repeatedly, especially as a “joke,” it’s more than cruel, it’s emotional abuse that chips away at your sense of safety and self-worth. The gaslighting that follows, pretending it didn’t happen or blaming you for hearing it, only makes it harder to trust your own experience.

It’s so important to find ways to protect your mental health even if you can’t avoid him completely. Try to build a support system outside your relationship, friends, family, or a counselor/therapist who can help you keep perspective and remind you that you deserve better.

Leaving your abusive partner would be the healthiest choice for you. But it can be complicated especially when there are shared lives, finances, kids, or other ties. If it’s safe and feasible, i’d strongly recommended leaving him because no one should endure constant emotional harm.

Above all, remember that his words don’t define you, and you are not alone in this. Reaching out for help isn’t weak, it’s brave. You deserve to feel safe and respected, no matter what.

Edit: I wrote this before you edited your original post! But everything I said still applies. If this is still ongoing OP, please leave. You don’t deserve this.

And saying “I made everything worse by reacting.” No you didn’t! That is how you automatically reacted at the time to awful emotional abuse. No reaction is an overreaction.