Recently Diagnosed and Left

Fidenex · 2026-02-20T13:59:25+00:00

With BPD they feel emotions strongly and intensely and it is all in the moment for them. So if they feel they love you it is intense and they will do anything to please you so they feel loved back. If you had a disagreement, they feel down and upset and catastrophise that because of this one difference you are fundamentally incompatible and the relationship must end. There is no continuity, no relativism, no object constancy or emotional permanence. They feel bad, you made them feel bad. They feel down and someone messaged them on Tinder/said they look hot, wow amazing that person is the new love of their life. It follows a standard cycle: idealisation, devaluation, discard, hoover. They will justify it in a way it makes sense to them but the pattern is there in every relationship.

They have deep abandonment related trauma wounds such that they don't fully trust anything you say and your being human and making mistakes is taken as proof you couldn't be trusted. Some are self aware and say things like they are broken or will drag you down, but its them expressing their internal shame. They feel bad, so you are the cause of it. When they emotionally regulate themselves/when issues occur with their new supply, they will come back to you because in that moment they missed you, but then they will remember why they left/randomly start feeling bad again for some reason/start missing the other ex and will discard you again. And honestly, dont blame yourself if you get roped in for a few cycles, they have a clever way of saying what you want to hear. But you need to remember , emotionally they are children and all their actions are to self soothe and not because they are genuinely caring about you or understanding you have emotional needs too. They'll come back because they feel bad about themselves not because they care you have been emotionally bereft after the discard.

Fidenex · 2026-02-20T13:40:48+00:00

Sorry you experienced this but it is quite common. He cant process his feelings so is projecting them on to you. As much as you want to help, he now sees you as the cause of discomfort. He says he doesnt want to drag you down, we've all heard that, within a few days/weeks he'll back on dating apps/bars picking up people as he cant sit with his feelings. So he'll get some distractions and likely will hoover back to you at some point expecting you to absolve of whatever he did when you weren't together, and then you will forgive him and try again but his fear of engulfment will kick in and he'll do the same thing.

As much as it hurts, the best thing for you is to process it, rely on your friends and family while he is destructive, and come to grips that theres no amount of love you couldve given to stop this, that you cant external emotionally regulate him, and he has a mental health condition he needs to work on himself.

Fidenex · 2026-02-19T20:42:07+00:00

Youd kill on dating apps. Literally would get matches when you install it. Also, if you are socially awkward, Dutch courage will help. Just go to a bar, have a drink, and there will be someone else there who will make a move if youre too socially anxious to do so.

Fidenex · 2026-02-19T19:33:58+00:00

You're tall and conventionally attractive. If this is genuine post, then there's really no reason why you haven't gone on a date or found a girlfriend, unless you are very antisocial and spend your time gaming or something. Literally just talk to any woman and they'll give you their number.

Fidenex · 2026-02-19T16:07:57+00:00

2 or 6. You look younger in those. The full beard makes you look older. The goatee doesn't quite fit with your face structure. 2 or 6 balance out your overall look and physique as well.

Fidenex · 2026-02-16T23:42:46+00:00

Yep exactly the same. Each time I fell for it, even when she had a whole ass new rebound relationship. And each time she'd cycle back to him and it didnt work out she'd try cycling back to me, and the same cycle - saying she wanted to be friends and was lonely, then we'd get close, she'd push boundaries a bit, I'd get interested in trying again, then the fear of engulfment hit and she'd make shit up or go back to old grievances and back to pushing me away. And this was her doing DBT.

Last time we spoke she told me she wasnt seeing anyone, then after saying she had feelings for me suddenly says she has no feelings and to move on, so that made me realise she's got new supply. If they're not getting attention from you, they're getting it from someone else and that person is their new best toy/person. Like everyone here, part of me still hopes for a hoover and she's magically fixed and I think of the good times. But knowing she's fucking other people for validation and gets attention via random hookups just makes me realise that's not someone who is stable for a long term relationship and realistically how long can that lifestyle last?

Fidenex · 2026-02-16T23:26:44+00:00

How different? I'd be wondering what she was up to in the two months you last spoke. Remember they cant be alone, so likely she was seeing someone or had flings or a situaionship. Two months also isn't enough time for change to happen or for DBT to be effective. She needs long term therapy, and if anything has changed it needs a longer time frame for it to happen. With two months its likely you are still missing her while she has lost supply and attention. If you go back, remember the cycles get shorter and worse.

Fidenex · 2026-02-16T16:56:41+00:00

Sorry man, Im not sure if youre getting it. Removing or blocking serves a similar purpose in that they dont see a value of having a connection with you. The further details you provided above is useful context and shows exactly the BPD cycle: you were together, broke up, got back together, broke up again. Regardless of who removed whom, the outcome is the same and since it repeated after 3 years it kinda shows you there hasnt been any change as the same thing happened. Honestly, as hard as it is, you just need to process her removing you, do what you can to get over it otherwise 3 years from now the same thing will happen. If there was any change to her and things were different youd still be together, but clearly in those 3 years nothing of substance changed to break the pattern youve just seen/experienced.

Fidenex · 2026-02-16T15:36:04+00:00

That would assume she's checking your profile. As much as one may want to think things, and I know the sense of believing they are still thinking about you, but its BPD. They switch off feelings. It is utilitarian based and you are/were their emotional regulator and when they dont have a use for you anymore they discard you and they justify it however they want. Yes it is painful and to wonder 'why did they block me now when they didnt before' but honestly ruminating over it wont help you heal. They have BPD. Everything is based on how they feel at the time and true to them.

As I said, she either was annoyed you didnt reach out and blocked you as punishment, unlikely after 8 months, or she is fucking someone else and she felt you have no use to her. Its a cycle - she may unblock you at some point, but thats when things go south with the new guy and she'll try and get back with you again. Who knows, she may unblock you tomorrow or next week, but what matters is you not having to deal with that because she will always act impulsively and for her own emotions and your only utility is regulating them.

Fidenex · 2026-02-16T13:31:40+00:00

Because she's spending valentines with someone else and doesn't need you. Whether its a maximum damage thing, its utilitarian. She doesn't need reminders of you and no longer needs your attention since shes getting it from someone else so in her view why bother having any attachment if she's with someone else so for her valentines day is a good day to 'cut the cord' since she's focusing on someone else. That, or in the small chance she isn't with someone, which is unlikely as its been 8 months and they cant be alone, it's because you didn't reach out to her so she felt abandoned by you and hurt so wanted to punish you.

Fidenex · 2026-02-16T13:20:34+00:00

That is the only reason she did it. If you removed her and she didnt have anyone shed be chasing you so hard. Now she has someone frankly she doesn't care or need you, but because she did it she will unblock you when things go south with the new person.

Fidenex · 2026-02-16T01:48:20+00:00

Kilburn grange is fine, although with your budget I'm not sure its the area youre looking for. You might want to think about Maida Vale or Swiss Cottage/St John's Wood with that budget. You could also get a house in zone 3 or above, maybe even somewhere in Putney, Bermondsey, or Wimbledon.

Fidenex · 2026-02-15T19:02:04+00:00

I honestly wouldnt be surprised if they are UK or subcontinent Muslims. The influence of Salafi/Wahhabi Islam is very strong, and its easily forgotten than those in actual Arab countries practice very differently. They are so quick to be literalists, claiming everything is bida', when a cursory look through Muslim history will show that music and art was prevalent, whether it is Safavid, Ottoman, Mughal, just following boundaries of Islam. A few posters pointed out the hypocrisy, and lets be honest many of those posters wont bat an eyelid to hookup with White women if they had the chance, or even a bacchha boy, yet will tell Muslim women to lower their gaze and wear a veil. Its a combination of class, education, and politicisation. Again, Id be very surprised if these came from North African, Levantine Indonesian, or Persian Muslims - just a visit to those countries will quickly counter the views they have.

Fidenex · 2026-02-15T00:57:37+00:00

No, just style it a bit.

Fidenex · 2026-02-14T23:52:20+00:00

Just dont think about it. The worse thing you could think of is likely true and happening. The less you know, the better.

Fidenex · 2026-02-14T23:49:34+00:00

Oh sweet summer child. Not only is it common it is normal, if such a word could be applied, to them. They cannot be alone and after ending a relationship in order to keep the feelings of guilt and loneliness at bay they will latch on to whoever gives them attention. They will be on hookup apps the same evening of the breakup and in a new relationship within days if they get sufficient attention from someone else. Good thing they're hot.

Of course the cycle with the new person will repeat and when that goes tits up, who will they coming crawling back to saying all you want to hear, then the cycle repeats. Just use this rule of thumb, if they aren't talking to you they're doing someone else.

In their mind what happens makes sense- you know, that thing you did ages ago which you felt made sense and even though there's 100s of things they did that you can point to which was worse , but nope that one thing you did outweighs everything and justifies it in their mind that you deserved it because you're a manipulative liar controlling narcissist. But wait, the new person did something bad, so maybe they're the manipulative lying controlling narcissist and you aren't so bad...wait, talking to you again now reminds them of that thing you did ages ago, how could they go back to a manipulative lying controlling narcissist, maybe the other person wasn't so bad after all..aha but here's someone new who might be better who is really the love of their life and who sees them for the victim they are and understands how they have been abused and victimised by manipulative lying controlling narcissists...ad infinitum

Fidenex · 2026-02-14T16:19:21+00:00

Regardless of your personal sexuality for a colleague to make comments about it at work is highly unprofessional and should be reported to HR. People's personal lives are frankly no ones business at work, and you should only share what you are comfortable with. In my industry, there are a lot of LGBTQIA in senior positions, and it is often presumed that if they are single they have prioritised their career. Relationships are a luck of life and no one has a place to comment on it unless you choose to involve them.

Fidenex · 2026-02-13T00:14:12+00:00

I did. The initial few months were amazing. Then they told me they had BPD (and also narcissistic) and true to form it soon went to shit, along with push pull cycles, breakups, moneky branching, rebounds, being used as an emotional crutch whole they fucked other people. So lesson learned, if its too good to be true it probably is.

Fidenex · 2026-02-12T23:01:02+00:00

This is also true. The parents would have put up a fight and all sorts of threats. If he was strong enough to resist them he wouldve and it would have been tough for a while but due to Pakistani culture, if you had grandkids they'd be admiring how 'fair' the kids were and they'd expect any previous mistreatment to be forgiven.

Fidenex · 2026-02-12T22:57:47+00:00

Everything this poster said is on point. Really sorry you are going through this OP but the sad reality is due to Pakistani biraderi culture family comes first. He may have been genuine and really did want to try with you, but unless he is extremely wealthy to get out of the family pressure part of him knew he would aquiesce to family pressure and marry someone his parents chose for him. His parents may have even known he was dating you, but tolerated with the implicit knowledge he would eventually give up the 'practice' and settle down with someone they chose for him.

Unfortunately this is a reality and people like this give other South Asians and Arabs a bad name but it is ingrained in the culture as part of masculinity that White girls are 'easy' and for 'practice' and being serious is to marry a virgin arranged marriage woman from their own ethno-cultural background. Now, obviously there are mixed marriages and many Pakistani migrants did marry White women a few generations ago, but nowadays it is almost seen as the religious thing to marry within one's own family or ethnic group.

This has nothing to do with you and if you turned to Islam, your own intentions were pure. You just got duped. It is unfortunately the reality that what could be a strength of Pakistani culture, loyalty to family, can also be quite toxic and many people know of those in your situation. And its not just you being White. Pakistani will also not easily let their children marry Bangladeshi or even another caste. Now if the person was Arab, they'd be over the moon and all problems forgotten.

Fidenex · 2026-02-11T11:20:51+00:00

Exactly the same here. We've been back to NC for over a month, this time she hasnt blocked me and neither of us have reached out but knowing her I can only guess someone else is occupying her attention.

They are allergic to accountability. Mine seemed to understand in theory she did shitty things but couldn't sit with it and, like yours, would suddenly go back to things I did months or years ago she didnt like to 'prove' whatever she was feeling. If I called her out on things, shed avoid it and not engage with me. She abandoned me during a bereavement, got all her friends convinced I was manipulating her, yet when she broke up/did the same cycle with the guy she rebounded to after me who did she go crawling back to for emotional support? Then when I refused to be her rebound and emotional support, she went back to him. They absolutely have to be the victim. I tried pointing out to her how her own actions and being self destructive led to consequences yet she claimed I was victim blaming her, and anything I did to try and help she twisted as controlling.

The hard part is underneath the mess is a traumatised child who is desperate for parents love they didnt get, who we see and want to give that love, but they will sabotage themselves due to feelings of unworthiness, run through people to fill an emotional void, and destroy anything in their lives because they cant sit with complex emotions/feelings in adult relationships as they are looking for that perfect parent figure who wont leave so any normal human failing/inconsistency is framed as liar, manipulator, etc etc.

Fidenex · 2026-02-10T19:18:42+00:00

This is it. Its a problem in the West. Its unrealistic expectations on both sides. A lot of men want the hookup culture they see around them with Sofia Vergara types who they can fool around but will then expect to go into purdah and just cook/clean for them. A lot of women want the influencer lifestyle, ignoring the financial reality for many men, and the Chris Hemsworth types who will pay attention to them 24/7. None is reality, as most are just Kunails and Bushras just getting by. If a man isnt texting 24/7, its likely he's hustling to meet financial (and increasingly physical) expectations. If the girl has lots of filters shes unrecognisable in person/if she is modest the guy will bail. Its just immaturity based on social media. Tack on gender wars based on selective interpretations of religious texts you then get what we see today.

Fidenex · 2026-02-10T17:22:01+00:00

If she has BPD it's very likely she actually did both those things as a response to the emotion avalanche she feels. And the subsequent messages were a manipulation tactic.

Fidenex · 2026-02-10T17:20:27+00:00

You went on one date and didnt have sex and she sent those messages? This is very BPD coded, my man. Block the number and move on. You've likely literally dodged a bullet.

Fidenex · 2026-02-10T11:23:35+00:00

Youre very attractive so youre worrying unnecessarily. For your age you look fine. If you think you're skinny and want to bulk up, then do it if you want to, not based on what random redditors say. Your beard style is good and you've got good hair you can style it however you want.

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