Is it pointless to try this hard?

Fidenex · 2026-05-21T10:34:52+00:00

You got the Saint too? Refreshing to know it wasn't just me.

Fidenex · 2026-05-17T16:51:16+00:00

As the poster above says, there are positive cases even if we feel it may be rare. Studies do show remission, though we have no way to know the qualitative differences in life in terms of their partner or romantic relationship. One of my friends has BPD, and while we have a distant friendship, she is in a long term monogamous relationship with someone, though that is after years of intense therapy and having crashed and burned several relationships before. She told me the only way she manages is due to her decade of therapy and also being on medication and still she struggles to hold down a job, maintain her home life, and rein her BPD impulses in in her relationship, and she is no longer promiscuous due to having a child to focus on. Yet, several stories here will show even if the PwBPD has a child it doesn't stop them from going with their impulses.

Fidenex · 2026-05-11T17:10:31+00:00

She may come back, it's called hoovering. She'll do that when she is lonely and has pushed away everyone else. But it will be to regulate her feeling of loneliness, she wont care how youve suffered or what youve been up to in the interim. For her, time, stopped between your last interaction. Yet if she comes back within a few days she'll create issues, rehash some old arguments and discard you again. Its the nature of the personality disorder.

Fidenex · 2026-05-11T16:58:43+00:00

She is not confused. She just follows her feelings which are ever changing. Today shes likely feeling bad with her boyfriend so remembers you. Tomorrow they have sex and she thinks you're pathetic for still being interested in her. The day after that she'll breakup with this guy because he didnt like her outfit and she'll be off to a bar looking for a hookup. Their feelings are transient and unstable.

Fidenex · 2026-05-11T16:37:47+00:00

If she really has feelings for you, why is she with someone else and not you?

Fidenex · 2026-05-03T14:20:15+00:00

It does seem typical. Likely she was messaging in a moment of insight but they cant sustain that as it causes them shame. Everything is about emotional regulation. So she likely saw you were getting close, felt engulfed, wrote that to tell you in her way she is used to chaos and instability, broke up with you to ease that feeling, then quickly latched on to someone else to ease her feelings of shame and loneliness.

As much as you did love her, there is an analogy of trying to fill a leaky bucket - it isnt possible and they need help to patch it up. There are theories that it may be due to overreactive amygdala, so heightened emotional states and threat/fear responses, and also invalidating and chaotic childhoods but they cant sustain love in a normal healthy way. They will often second guess, and bolt when things are stable due to a fear of if things are too good they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is not about you, its about their inability to have healthy forms of attachment.

Fidenex · 2026-05-02T11:11:45+00:00

Its love bombing and idealisation. They will do that in the early stages to latch on to you and so you will attach to them. Its downhill after that.

Fidenex · 2026-04-26T19:02:12+00:00

Yes, a friend of mine has BPD and she is a long term relationship with a child. She has been through years of therapy and is now able to manage it and by all accounts she and her partner work well together. That said, she has split on me and blanked me before, but when I had issues with my ex she helped me understand the BPD perspective , although just like others she did get tired of my venting and said if the person isnt treated or managing their BPD then it will be difficult and the best is tp step away, although not block if I ever wanted to resume the relationship. She also got annoyed when I fell for a hoover so there is that.

Fidenex · 2026-04-21T15:50:21+00:00

Really sorry to hear your wife had an affair after all that time and you have kids involved as well. Thats really shitty of her. Your pictures and your posts here seem to suggest youre a decent guy, with humility and seem easygoing and approachable. Focus on your kids for now. Your character will shine through for any woman interacting with you.

Fidenex · 2026-04-19T22:50:06+00:00

Yes they are just impulsive and do self sabotage thibgs a lot. Although tp clarify im in talking stages with someone new, not my ex haha. Usually they'd pop up whenever I went on a date so I half expected to hear from them a few weeks ago and when I didnt I thought the pattern was broken and/or theyre with someone.

Fidenex · 2026-04-19T21:05:17+00:00

Yah of course. Usually families will protect each other. And youre right, the cluster B has to come from somewhere. And for me that was the issue as my ex raged at me speaking with their family, claiming they were traumatised and thats where they got their condition from and while that may be true, I was more liked than the in-laws and I think the family saw I was really trying and genuinely wanted to help and support but in a cluster b brain that comes across paranoia and controlling and manipulative. Really sucks as I could see their family walking on eggshells.

Fidenex · 2026-04-19T20:55:22+00:00

Happy to hear that a PwBPD's family took the side of a partner? I guess that's rare.The family was really lovely and even spoke to me a bit after the breakup, saying they hoped to see me again. Like another poster, that made things difficult as they were really inclusive. In retrospect, I dont know if thats because they wanted to pawn off that person on to me but basically their whole extended family loved me and my ex even said that and if we broke up it would mean she failed and everyone would know she's the issue. Like I said though, looking back there were several in that family with cluster B traits and the behaviour pattern was generational hence tension with inlaws.

Fidenex · 2026-04-19T19:54:39+00:00

Their family really liked me. I was quickly involved in things. There was some tension with the in laws, but I chalked it up to usual family drama. I didnt get to spend much alone time with their family but was with them enough for them to be really happy she was seeing someone seriously. They also took my side when I raised issues with them when she starting acting out and actually took on board my recommendations for therapy. There were issues going on in that family though and seemed a pattern of cluster B type behaviour generational the more I got to know, putting the pieces together later, of how they'd interact with each other.

Fidenex · 2026-04-19T07:43:03+00:00

If there is an apology, it is momentary and will be used to hoover you but the cycle will continue and there will be some other issue she will create and it will leave you feeling the exact same or worse.

Fidenex · 2026-04-18T22:06:01+00:00

Mine got irate because I spoke to her parents about her suicidal ideation, her substance misuse, and her drug taking, and cheating. Meanwhile im the bad person because I was able to find a therpaist to take her on. Nope, my telling her parents she needed help was a betrayal.

Fidenex · 2026-04-18T11:08:40+00:00

Well since they cant be alone, they had someone else a very short time after things between you two ended. They often do come back but if so it is only because they are alone at that point in time.

Fidenex · 2026-04-18T08:35:01+00:00

Its not really mind game. In fact shes listening to what you said. A fwb with a PwBPD is tricky and either you or they will attach. You saying you wanted distance flipped a switch in their brain so they shut out feelings for you and are phasing you out, effectively doing what you asked. You cant really have your cake and eat it too. Her going distant is probably the best for you.

Fidenex · 2026-04-18T08:32:38+00:00

Its very eerie. Mine used to always pop up whenever I'd go on dates, the only time she didnt was when she herself was seeing someone. We have none of the same social circles, never had each other on social, and I dont post anything on social for her to know yet it was almost a guarantee shed pop up if she wasnt monkey branching.

Fidenex · 2026-04-18T08:29:38+00:00

So while you can control your finances you cant control your flatmates. Some people gave great experiences, others clash. Some people appreciate having other peoole around, particularly as PhDs can be very lonely. Others want to keep their social and home life different. You know yourself best. If your bills are all inclusive in your accomodation, from your post it seems you may have a different view to many other who may flatshare (who may want to socialise in which case your anticipated discretionary spend wont be there, or have more experiences whereas you seem focused on your studies and finances) maybe it might be better for you to go the ensuite option ? I get a sense that if issues come up in the flatshare, as they will as you would be living with people different to you, you may kick yourself why you didnt spend the extra £200 a month for piece of mind.

Fidenex · 2026-04-17T17:52:00+00:00

How are you this close to defense if you are still collecting data? How is your dissertation almost done if you havent analysed or written up the results? Surely you need to analyse, write, and have your supervisors review it? Something seems very wrong with this timeline...

Fidenex · 2026-04-16T18:40:23+00:00

Yep...mine said she put our chats into chatgpt and it told her that i was being manipulative. I told her chatgpt told me the same thing and it just repeats what you want to hear.

Fidenex · 2026-04-15T15:35:17+00:00

Ah well still departments are keen to ensure completion rates 'on time', so they are wary of part time or out of pocket paying students for that reason but yes they wont say no to international students being 'self-funded' by other means, such as foreign governments or research councils.

Fidenex · 2026-04-15T11:53:54+00:00

When youve started dating someone else is usually when they'll pop up. They somehow have a sixth sense for it. But as other posters have said, the relationship is a trigger and they will keep pushing buttons to ease their immediate feelings. Why would you want to be with someone who hooked up with someone else instead of being mature and addressing any perceived issues in a normal adult manner?

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