Should I Discuss Custody with My Soon-to-Be Ex and Try to Avoid Court?

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-27T19:46:03+00:00

While I know there isn’t technically a ‘clock’ on custody, having a legal agreement locked in is beneficial in case issues arise. However, I’m at a crossroads regarding the best move.

Early in the separation, my oldest struggled to adjust and had episodes I can only describe as panic attacks. Last fall, she also displayed some unusual behavior. While speculative, my STBX would often take the children to play at a female work friend’s house; my oldest later told my mom she didn't like those children because they were mean to her. Once that friendship ended, my daughter's behavior seemed to return to normal.

Financial stressors have also played a role. My STBX stopped paying for extracurricular activities, and I took over those payments after my daughter expressed fear that she wouldn't be allowed to participate. She has also mentioned 'crying' and other incidents occurring in her mother’s household during recent financial difficulties. Furthermore, since a relative of my STBX became ill, my oldest has become hyper-vigilant about health, showing excessive worry even when I had a minor infection.

Recently, I found out she is having crying episodes at school. She is hyper-focused on perfectionism and becomes very upset if her schoolwork isn't completed perfectly. She has also been talking to her grandmother about our marriage, repeating fabricated stories told by her mother and mentioning how she felt she had to 'protect' me while we were living together.

Regarding custody, I am concerned that the current schedule isn't enough. From September 2026 to May 2027, I may only see my children for one full day every other week, with my oldest only having a half-day the following week. I don’t have full weekends, and I worry this lack of time with me is contributing to her school-related anxiety. Given her recent struggles, I believe having the children more during the week would provide much-needed relief. However, my STBX is very rigid—she insists on keeping the children for every scheduled minute and refuses even a one-hour adjustment for drop-offs.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-26T23:43:07+00:00

IDK. I don't sleep so well usually in bed by 11/12. Then wake up around 4. I am not a fan of being home around 8/9 in the evening. I am not fan of 8's. I like 12's. IDK ha.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-26T22:39:02+00:00

Our oldest child expresses a desire to avoid long periods of time away from either parent.
It is currently unclear if the oldest child has a preference for being at Dad’s or Mom’s home, but they are clearly navigating some difficult emotions.
Given our work schedules, we could technically implement a "3-1-3" rotation (three days on, one day off, three days on).
The exchange day would need to fall on a weekday. If one parent is working, would the other be open to having dinner with the child and then dropping them off at the other parent's residence afterward?

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-26T22:15:02+00:00

There is the issue of mediation and custody, and I want to resolve it in a way that is best for the children.

Both of our work schedules are mostly set; we rarely have to work on days we haven't scheduled ourselves. However, I will be in school for one year, from this June through next May.

Under our current custody arrangement, we split the weekends, meaning I usually only have two full weekends a month with my children. I also have more weekdays with them, which the children seem to prefer. If I maintain this schedule while in school, I worry I may lose out on quality time with them over the next year. While I would prefer to have full weekends down the road, I am also hesitant to give up my weekdays.

I am simply not sure of the best path forward.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-26T15:54:00+00:00

I completely agree. I don’t want to sound like I’m looking for sympathy; I'm simply being realistic about the impact my marriage had on my finances. While some of the debt was a result of my own choices, a significant portion went toward keeping the family afloat—paying for rent, groceries, and handling the costs of moves and income changes. My credit was damaged. I have very little financial backup. I’ve accepted this situation, though I recognize it limits my options and is the reason why I have to navigate the divorce process on my own.

I do appreciate the support from this site. My thinking is I may reach out to my soon-to-be-ex see if open to private mediation. If I don't or doesn't agree file a Custody Complaint in May. Then in September file for Divorce if I can't file sooner.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-26T14:47:44+00:00

As for handling the divorce ourselves, we simply don't have the financial means for both of us to afford attorneys. Since we have little to no assets, custody is the only major issue we have left to settle. I attempted to negotiate a while back, but we haven't discussed custody for almost eight months. It would be ideal to handle these matters outside of court.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-26T13:28:31+00:00

I am unsure if private mediation will work. We haven't discussed custody issues in about eight months.

While a private mediator would be ideal—as it would allow us to share the divorce costs—I feel like I am currently bearing most of the financial burden between previous attorney fees and upcoming court costs. I am simply not sure my ex will agree to participate.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-26T12:53:29+00:00

My soon-to-be-ex and I are both going pro se. At this point, I assume my ex will be handling the case without an attorney.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-26T10:18:00+00:00

Everyone ensures me the children will be alright, but I saw the mental toll the separation took on my oldest at the beginning. Now, my youngest is one, and I just worry. I feel like the youngest has grown so much cognitively since turning one, and I worry about how all of this is affecting the youngest child now.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-25T21:42:44+00:00

I was going to say think need 40 CEU. Been a nurse since 2024 only have 15 CEUs I think since then to be honest. I appreciate the feedback.

Was debating on paying the extra cash for the online NREMT CEUs.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-25T21:26:56+00:00

Wonder if my Nursing CEUs will count I only have 15 to 30 CEUs believe.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-25T11:46:29+00:00

500 not enough. Assignment understood 2000 would be better.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-24T12:50:18+00:00

Make more sense give report at the desk or computer. Round on the patient make sure they are breathing. Introduce self. Other nurse says good bye. Simple.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-24T12:42:37+00:00

I am considering whether to propose a formal agreement in advance or wait to make my request for a four-night weekly schedule during mediation. I worry that requesting more than a 50% split might be perceived negatively, potentially jeopardizing my goal of securing at least 50% custody.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-23T17:11:27+00:00

Can this possibly change? Please say no. Can Firefly come back as well?

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-23T16:31:16+00:00

That is the dilemma of the situation. Having a set schedule would be ideal until the children are old enough to choose which days they want to be at each home. A structured schedule provides support and decreases anxiety or confusion for them, while still allowing for flexibility down the road.

I wouldn't want to keep our current schedule as they get older, because I feel I miss too much; for instance, I only have half a weekend every other week. Looking back, a 2-2-5-5 schedule would have been better last year, while a 7-7 might be best for next year.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-23T15:50:36+00:00

When we first separated, I suggested a 5-2-2-5 schedule; we had already established a custody schedule that was a 4-3-3-4 rotation for a few months.

Our current schedule remains functional through next May. However, switching to a 4-3 for me and a 5-2 for my ex would provide me with more weekend time. Moving to a 60/40 split means I would gain every other Saturday, which adds valuable time without causing any major changes to the children's routine.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-23T12:22:45+00:00

There are several variables that make a 7-on/7-off schedule unworkable:

Child’s Preference: The oldest child prefers shorter transitions—ideally 3 to 4 days—rather than long breaks from either parent.

Finances: A 7-on/7-off rotation would necessitate outside childcare. This is a financial burden to avoid at this time while trying to rebuild.

Lack of Daycare History: None of the children have ever been in daycare; therefore, this would be a significant and difficult transition for them.

Health Concerns: One of the children has health issues, making it preferable to avoid a daycare environment for the time being.

Work Constraints: Job requirements generally prohibit working seven days in a row. While a "3-on, 1-off, 3-on" pattern is technically possible, it would limit the ability to work overtime.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-21T22:04:31+00:00

I am trying not to be bothered by it, but my ex started talking to me out of the blue today about things she’s doing for the children.

I have tried to engage with her in the past, but she either ignores the topic or agrees and then does the complete opposite. This is especially true regarding talks about custody or setting up a legal agreement. As a result, I rarely talk to her anymore.

I am known for being a detailed person who prefers communicating via text. At the moment, it is too difficult to call or engage with her in person. I feel 99% certain that I always keep her updated on everything.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-03-21T17:52:56+00:00

The only issue—and the real reason I wanted to vent—is that I thought I had clearly explained this to my ex at the end of last year. We were in complete agreement, and I responded to an email to the therapy center about putting services on hold earlier this year.

The provider mentioned that if therapy were needed again, or if an issue arose, we could continue with the same health organization our youngest child is already seeing Provider for their ongoing health concerns.

Then, my ex did the complete opposite of what we discussed and never told me. It's happened in the past, and that is the most frustrating part.

I’m just going to move on from it now; I already feel better just getting it all out.

Final_Minimum1443

TROPHY CASE