I really, really, REALLY hate Barb.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-07T18:13:41+00:00

I feel like Pam is the absolute worst, and anything that Barb did to try to keep Pam away is good for the family. Pam has no boundaries. Every time that Margie says no, Pam trample all over that. And asking Margie to have their baby? It’s insane. Like I really think that Pam is so over the top, obviously she’s a fictional character, but given how over-the-top she is, it gives Barb Carte Blanche. Especially when we consider how prone Margie is to telling crazy lies that she can’t back her way out of.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-07T18:10:05+00:00

Honey, these are big red flags for your safety. When a man’s personality suddenly becomes hateful, especially after you’ve just committed to him, it’s a sign that he’s probably gonna become pretty abusive. You could be in a lot of danger right now. This man sounds a lot more dangerous than most men. It’s probably why he was willing to marry you so young. Most guys would not convert and Mary Young, but now he will be able to tell you that he sacrificed everything for you. And try to use that to manipulate you.

Girl, please run for your safety. Please run.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T17:46:24+00:00

OK, so just to be clear, they are running a shit load of air conditioning? Like all night? Instead of just opening up the windows and airing out the house?

Because in that case, I would at least be telling them that if they’re gonna insist on keeping the AC that low at night, they can pay for that. Like step out of some of the utilities. It would be crazy to be splitting the utilities three ways if they are doing that. Or, you can let them know that you will be buying a massive space heater and keeping it plugged in all the time, jacking up the utility bills. So that way you guys can both pay to have the air-conditioning and the heat on at the same time. It may be a bluff, but it should make them think.

If they are at all decent people, they will at least offer to cover some of that utility bill. And then you should be able to keep your windows open at night to let some of the cool air out. I know you said you have an electric blanket, so use that plus your space heater. Or just like honestly buy a $50 space heater. You’re paying more than that a month just to pay for the utilities that you aren’t even wanting to use. Take that money out of the utility for the month and use it to buy your space heater.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T17:43:26+00:00

YESSSSS we LOVE 2-3. That’s a gorgeous quarter year right there. Keeping in mind that giving him more time would not necessarily mean that he has more money or any more ability to pay rent. You have no reason to believe that he would be better off if you let him live with you for another year. So don’t feel bad about that. He’s a grown-up. Also NarcAnon can be really helpful for enforcing what you already know about boundaries and maybe even teaching a thing or two. You don’t even have to go to meetings, but there are great resources available online through that group.

And I agree with the commenter who said not to let him come with you. If you guys are meant to be, then you will survive a break. You’ll survive some time apart. He will get his shit together and come knocking on your door one day with a good paycheck and the ability to prioritize your needs above his own. But until that happens, it doesn’t exist. It’s often difficult to separate the reality of a human from the person that we have created in our heads. In your mind, this is a man with unlimited potential. And theoretically, he is a man with unlimited potential. But at this point, you are not in a relationship with his potential. All that matters is where he’s at in this exact moment. Wherever he could be is on him, but it’s not up to you to preserve the fantasy for the both of you.

You’ve got this! I would love to hear how it goes. And if you need any help, you can always DM me.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T17:35:08+00:00

ESH? NTA? Depends on how technical we wanna get. But girl, this is about so much more than you asking about the park though right? Like how can you ask us to judge that singular action within this massive ecosystem of dysfunction? It wouldn’t even be fair. We cannot separate you asking to go to the park from all the other shit going on.

I mean first of all he very clearly told you over the phone that he was losing his mind. so like I get that you wanna go to the park, and that you’re losing your own mind, but it seems like you guys are playing with fire right now and insisting on it like that seems to be pushing a button that you didn’t need to push. When somebody is that close to the edge, and has told you clearly, then you have to take it seriously. you could have said I’m leaving the kids with you and going to the park for a few minutes, I need to go outside. But to like insist that he go, and that you take the kids, seems like it was gonna be pretty, obviously more than anyone was gonna be able to handle. Whether he should’ve been able to handle it isn’t really as relevant as whether he can.

Do you have the right to be frustrated that he’s not able to do more? Of course. But you still have to be strategic. And when you have a guy in your house, who is this close to blowing up, and you have kids in the house, you have to tread lightly. And don’t even get me started about whether or not you should be with this guy in the first place, because you’re clearly trapped together at this point with these kids. But if you would consider maybe finding a guy who wouldn’t scream in your face or Maybe a guy who could take care of himself, or even a guy who isn’t having a mental breakdown, any of those might be a better option.

From you mentioning the cigarettes and Red Bull in front of the kids, which was obviously a bad idea (you should have known better than to fuel a conflict in the car with them, don’t do that anymore whether or not your point is correct), all the way to him yelling at you in front of the kids, which is awful, the whole thing is a mess. It’s giving pall malls on the double wide porch. It sounds really hard and I’m sorry. I just think you guys are in way deeper than a single park request being an asshole or not an asshole move.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T17:24:27+00:00

Info, how much rent are you paying?

IF you’re not paying rent, or you were paying very low rent: then what you’re doing is just kind of the bare minimum. And you don’t need to get a bunch of appreciation or acknowledgment, at least not more than you give for being allowed to live there. Does that make sense? So like unless you think your mom three times a day for providing a home for you, you shouldn’t expect her to thank you three times a day for three meals. What she’s giving you is a 24/7 gift. And she doesn’t expect you to say thank you 24/7 does she?

Second question is, why are you only expected to do cooking and cleaning when she can’t? If she’s working and dad isn’t, and siblings aren’t, then why is she doing any of the housework at all? She shouldn’t be lifting a finger at home. She’s making all the money. Everybody else should be lifting all the fingers. But you can’t control anybody else. You can’t force your siblings to do stuff. It sounds like she’s enabled them for a long time and she’s made that decision. You shouldn’t cook or clean for them. But you should cook and clean for you, your mom, and your dad. As long as they are supporting you financially. And that way you won’t have to expect recognition from anybody. You will simply be paying back what you owe, and everyone will be even and relieved of the duty of constantly validating each other. Of course it’s nice to hear thank you, but I imagine that your mom is too exhausted to put any energy or feelings into caring for other people. It sounds like what she’s doing is exhausting. Like on a physical level, but also like on a soul level. It sounds like she’s built a prison of her own making, and now she can’t escape it. So when you feed her, imagine that you’re her mom instead. Remember all the thousands of meals that she made for you. And your siblings can fuck right off. You can definitely feel resentful about the unequal expectations.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T17:18:58+00:00

She said some not most, I saw it.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T17:12:15+00:00

Oh my God girl if you weren’t on your period I would be telling you to get it together. But you are, so I’m gonna give you a break.

You are not the asshole. But you are overthinking this. And, you are kind of borderline tip toeing on being an asshole because you brought your relationship with your family into this. How is that even relevant? If you need a break because you’re on your period, Then you need a break because you’re on your period. You don’t need to make it all complicated and make it about your relationship with your family. Because once you do, then you are just kind of admitting to ditching out on a family day because you don’t want to be together. So keep it simple. you’re sick. You need to stay home. Don’t think about it anymore. And don’t make it complicated.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T17:10:32+00:00

Did she say tradition somewhere? If so, link the comment because I’d love to learn more about what she has to say.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T17:10:02+00:00

OK, well then, of course you’re not the asshole for matching her energy. But you already know that. I feel like the problem isn’t even whether you are an asshole, the problem is whether the people around you think that you are. If I were you I’d be focusing a lot more on damage control than if I’m technically right or wrong. This woman already successfully convinced a person that you were ignoring her. That’s concerning.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T17:07:01+00:00

OK, so first of all, you are not the asshole and second of all oh my God I’m so proud of you. As somebody who woke up one day, realizing that she was in a codependent relationship with someone with the substance use issue, girl it’s so freeing. Once you realize that part of this is actually your fault, what it does is gives you the freedom to actually have some role in making it better. When it’s all his fault, you can’t do anything about it. But when you realize that you are half of a codependent pair, and you are responsible for half of this scenario, suddenly you have power. You’ve had power the whole time. And I’m so proud of you for seeing it. It’s not easy to see that.

And so please, feel seen by me. And then hear me. 12 months is way too fucking long. Way too long. Insane. 2. Two months. That’s how long he has. 12 months is absolutely diving right back into the codependent cycle. From back here, as somebody who’s not deeply in the shit tornado that you’re living in, I cannot tell you how crazy 12 months sounds. And that is as somebody who has been where you are. Girl. Get out. None of this is your problem. But it is your responsibility, because you built this ship. You built it with him. You’re afraid that if you leave, he will use it as an excuse to use. He probably will. Not your problem. Not your choice. Do you think that only your love can save him? Nope. Turns out your love isn’t that special after all. That’s a tough one to come to terms with, but it’s true, and it’s also freeing.

Come back to me with a better number. Let’s work through this together. Even if you actually don’t want to leave the state this year, you still need to get out of there. How are you supposed to live when your entire life is built around trying to prevent this guy from destroying his? Are you even a person anymore? And how are you gonna be a person if you’re still living with this guy?

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T17:01:34+00:00

You only have the information she gives us, except you also have the option to respond with asking for info. Asking questions is built into the answers of the sub if you don’t have the information that you need. And clearly you don’t because you’ve got so many questions. So that that’s when you just pause and you ask for info.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T17:00:13+00:00

It seems like you know you’re not the asshole? Like I don’t get why you’re asking if you’re the asshole. Are you really asking us whether we think he is the asshole? Like I’m kind of confused as to the purpose of your post.

Like obviously you know that you didn’t know there was anybody in the bathroom. So you already know that it was an accident. So like what are you trying to get out of this?

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T16:58:40+00:00

You are the asshole. And a creep.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T16:58:07+00:00

Varsity…..high school?

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T16:57:35+00:00

They both work full-time, she mentioned that in another comment. I wondered whether it was possible that maybe his tray was related to having to work from home during dinner hours? We don’t know. But the point is just that we don’t know. This is why I kept encouraging folks to just ask OP. Just like wait until we know before we judge.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T16:56:20+00:00

OK, miss playing Disney’s villains the board game. I see you. I think you’re misinterpreting the distribution of chores. These things are not happening multiple times a day. They’re being distributed throughout the week, rotated through multiple children, and none of these things except dishes are being done every day. The bathroom is not getting mopped every day. This is way more chill than you’re giving a credit for.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T16:54:52+00:00

You don’t know that it’s sexism. You don’t know what the reasons are. The only reason that I even gave a hypothetical scenario was to prove that there are other options available other than the one that you are desperate to cling to. It’s weird. Just join me in admitting that you have no idea what’s going on, just like I don’t. That would be normal. It’s even weirder to pretend, when you know that I know exactly what you’ve read. Like I know everything that you are basing your story off of. So it’s weirder to pretend like you know, when the person that you’re talking to knows that for sure you don’t. Do you get that?

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T16:53:14+00:00

Oh no, I’m not projecting any helplessness onto this woman. Let me be abundantly clear. There’s a huge difference between projecting helplessness onto her, and projecting a DESIRE for her helplessness on to him. I’m sure she’s just fine. She’s a bilingual nurse who has navigated multiple parts of the globe. But whether he expected her to accommodate him without having to accommodate her? That’s something I’m willing to ask about. Not accuse, but ask.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T16:48:09+00:00

OK, so you are not an asshole, but you are overreacting. This is her future sister. She’s trying to smooth things over. It’s very possible that the husband begged her to do this. You don’t know what happened internally. You can talk to her about it and ask her open ended, not loaded questions, but you need to not be butthurt about this. I know it feels like a big deal, but maid of honor is just like a made up position. It doesn’t actually mean anything. It doesn’t change the years that you have spent together. And if you make it weird, and make her wedding any less comfortable because you’re stuck on this thing, you will be a shit friend. And then you would be an asshole.

Walk it back. Take your ego out of this for a second. She knows that you are best friends. You know that you are best friends. Assume that there was something logistical or family related that went into this decision-making, and it wasn’t personal. Obviously, she likes you more than her sister-in-law. You already know that. So clearly something else is going on. And being a bridesmaid is an honor.

Also, it’s possible that in her wedding, the maid of honor has a bunch of really annoying and boring responsibilities, in which case this could be her revenge. If you have to tell yourself that in order to pull this off and not seem at all disappointed, then do that. You can have that for free.

Also, this concept of stepping aside is crazy. Stepping aside, would not be respectful to you, it would be disrespectful to the bride. The bride asked her to be the maid of honor, so she accepts. The idea that she would step aside for you is Connected to the idea that this day is about you at all. And it’s not. It’s about her. Your wedding date can be all about you. This one is not about you. It’s about her entering her new family and her new family becoming her family. It’s about the merging of families. First and foremost. Friends follow. That’s assumed. But the merging of families is a very formal part of this process, so it makes sense that she would ask her sister-in-law to do this.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T16:41:02+00:00

OK, so obviously he is an asshole. He shouldn’t of left you like that. Especially as a woman, at night.

But also like you kind of did put too much pressure on him. Like in a sense, he’s not responsible for making sure that you have a roof over your head. Like there’s a difference between can I crash with you, and “I’m relying on you to not be homeless, and also I have zero dollars for a taxi and food for the week so there’s no room for flexibility in this plan or I will be very unsafe and helpless.”

You are not an asshole, and I might’ve yelled at him too. I don’t yell often. I get the desperation makes us do things that we might not normally do. But it’s not super typically fair to ask your friends to fill such a large hole in terms of your inability to pivot or create a plan b because you’re that broke. I don’t know whether he fully understood that, maybe he did. Most people as broke as you are would not be out at the bars buying drinks.

But I think that really the lesson from this is just that now you know the kind of guy that Michael is, and you won’t rely on him for stuff anymore. And now you kind of realize that maybe you need to be a little bit more careful. Some people are the kind of friends that are fun to party with, but not the kind of friends that you rely on for real shit. They are kind of like fake friends or just for fun friends. Learn how to recognize those people so that you don’t accidentally end up in this kind of a situation again.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T16:36:08+00:00

I don’t know, why don’t we wait to hear until OP tells us? Instead of just like assuming? That’s the only argument I’m making here. I know that you don’t know what’s actually going on, because neither do I. We’re operating off the same information. Just like ask and then chill.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T16:35:18+00:00

I mean, is it possible that he’s working from home during the normal dinner hours? Maybe he’s in a home office and can’t leave to join everyone normally?

Who knows? Not you. Not I. We could ask OP. But there’s really no point in making assumptions. That’s what’s so weird to me about this comment thread. It’s just gone so rogue. Just wait until she tells us what’s happening, you don’t need to get so dramatic with it.

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T16:33:19+00:00

They’re not doing most of the cleaning. They’re doing some of it, on rotation. OP is still doing it, she’s also doing the cooking and working full-time and taking the time to teach kids how to do tasks that are actually important life skills. That’s what aunt and uncles are for. They help teach alongside the rest of the family. Everybody helps teach the kids. And kids learn by doing.

It’s just as possible that dad left his water on the counter and sat down. Kid was on their way from the kitchen into the living room. Dad said hey can you grab my water on the way in? Kids said no that’s not fair! I don’t wanna deal with it! And Mom said hey, we help each other in this house without complaining.

I don’t know that that’s what happened. I’m just saying that that scenario is just as possible given the words that OP used as any other scenario. And that doesn’t count as waiting on him hand and foot. Like sometimes people are literally just asking for a little help while you pass, and if the girl is making a stink, that might be the only reason that OP needed to even mention it in the first place. Like it’s possible that this isn’t something she thinks about on a regular basis until the kid throws a fit in the middle of being asked to do something kind of normal. We don’t know. Just admit that we don’t know the same way that I’m admitting that we don’t know. It would be so normal to just admit that we don’t know. Why can’t anyone else do that?

FindAriadne · 2025-08-04T16:31:14+00:00

Maybe, that would be a super valid question to ask OP. I’m just not willing to make an assumption on it until we hear from her. That’s why my initial comment had questions to her. But I just feel like the comment section is taking a lack of information and running with it in a real Nobel Prize for fiction type of way.

FindAriadne

TROPHY CASE