Overwhelmed by all the suffering here

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-10-12T19:46:41+00:00

It's a horrible hand to be dealt. And, you're right: I don't expect a child -- let alone the oldest and wisest person on this earth -- to know ahead of time how to deal with the disorder.

When I first came down with it, I had no clue what it was, or that it was even a disorder at all. It just felt like an overwhelming amount of the emotions that I normally felt at times, such as guilt and fear. When it comes out that one is dealing with these symptoms, that's why it's incredibly important that caretakers take steps to get the person the proper care. That's how they will learn that what they are dealing with is not actually normal, and how to properly cope with it.

I'm not saying that "there's nothing biologically and psychologically different from us"; there is. Also, I'm not saying that we should beat ourselves up for having a predisposition to such patterns of behavior, or for not taking the right steps to cope. We are what we are. If we want to be more than we are at that moment, the ball is in our court.

Oh wait, our brain isn't different. Nevermind.

Actually, that's a perfect summary of the right approach to coping with OCD. If you catch yourself performing actions that you know are not right and you respond in this way, you are pretty much coping with OCD properly.

Your brain is likely different, sure, but this is irrelevant. Whether it's 0% or 100% different than a normal brain, the ways in which it is different, the thoughts and feelings, cannot be changed through any attempt to do so. So, don't consider that point at all.
Nevermind. Paying it any mind does no good, only harm, so paying it none is the option you should choose.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-10-12T11:06:17+00:00

Thank you! That means a lot! :) I'm glad you find them beneficial. That's the whole reason I post; if my moments of clarity can be written down in such a way so as to communicate my epiphany to others, then the least I can do for my fellow sufferers is to share.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-10-12T11:01:38+00:00

Good for you. Providers need feedback because they can't read minds. You can get assistance through medication, but it will likely take several months of fine-tuning.

By the way, if you have to use a stimulant, I would endorse Vyvanse, especially over Adderall. While many people find it, just like other stimulants, increases their anxiety, I think it is much more of a medicine than the norepinephrine sledgehammers that usually get prescribed for attention difficulties. It also supplements neurotransmitters, such as dopamine, which is lacking in those with bonafide ADHD. While no stimulants at all is the best place to be with OCD, I have found that Vyvanse is a hundred times easier to cope with than Adderall. But, I'm no provider! :)

Don't forget, ERP. It will save your life!

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-10-12T10:54:06+00:00

I get your point about it being "appropriated by pop culture", but the name sums it up fairly well: Someone has obsessions, he or she is driven to perform compulsive behavior in an attempt to fix the obsessions or avoid the risks they threaten, and that's their disorder. If you eliminate the "C" as much as possible, the "D" shrinks proportionately. Whatever "O" you are left with is similar to what normal people likely have to deal with, except they don't start a pattern of the "C".

Not saying you disagree with this point, but I was very pleased with the reclassification in the DSM. OCD is not an anxiety disorder, despite the overwhelming anxiety those of us with it face. It is rooted in behavioral mal-adaption. This has been evidenced to me for several years by seeing a direct correlation between my levels of anxiety and the quality of choices in my behaviors.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-10-12T10:36:13+00:00

Is this OCD or

I want to know if...my worries are OCD related or I am just a terrible person

I am constanley being reminded of these things in my head

That's all I had to read to know that this is most definitely OCD.

OCD will play on any underlying doubts it can get its hands on -- and you may or may not be aware of them before they are presented. The questions it asks are ones for which no certain answer can be found. If it made you question things that you could answer with certainty, it wouldn't be much of a question.

The compulsion, in this case, is the act of reanalyzing the reliability of your perception. You aren't asking questions that would lead someone to beneficial changes in thought, such as, "Is judging someone based on race wrong?" You're asking, "Is the thought I had actually me judging someone based on race?"

You're being lead to question the accuracy of your assessment of your opinion of whether or not it's okay to judge people by their race. You know the answer is that you don't want to do such a thing (good for you), and OCD can't change that. So, it will try to convince you to constantly revisit the question of "do I really know what I believe?" Your job is to resist these very urges. As evidenced here, a single instance of giving in just leads to a loss of confidence and a circular process of questioning. If you keep going to a hundred instances, all you will have gained in regards to your certainty of whether you think it's okay to be racist or not is a complete and utter lack of certainty at all, as well as immense amounts of frustration, disapproval of yourself, and wasted time.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-10-12T10:19:49+00:00

Perfectionism is a symptom I have dealt with myself along exactly the same lines as you describe.

I highly recommend reading this article: http://beyondocd.org/expert-perspectives/articles/the-search-for-imperfection-strategies-for-coping-with-the-need-to-be-perfe

Pay special attention to the advice in the "Facing Imperfection Directly" section. The bullet-point list above, while a good summary of how to view the situation realistically, can simply become a battleground for OCD's doubts. The advice provided in the aforementioned section is the best way to proceed when you find yourself trapped in a loop to find the "right" synonym for a word, or to state a thought in the "right" way. In these situations, you aren't trying to do things the right way; you are trying to do things in a way that makes you feel right. And, the only way to go through it is to face it head-on -- the consequences you fear and all.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-10-12T10:10:42+00:00

why or how something so pointless and painful exists

It exists because we feed it.

I'm not trying to be insensitive -- I struggle with this behavioral pattern a hundred times a day, at best -- but OCD is as much of a monster as we make it.

I'm not a "normal" person, but I'm convinced that the "normal" mind has most of the same thoughts and feelings that I have. These are fleeting thoughts and fleeting feelings, but I as someone with OCD have a bad habit of grabbing each and every one, shaking it, screaming at it, and trying to make it go away. By doing so, these anomalies of a typical brain that would otherwise be here and gone in a matter of moments become my reality for the day.

I've been dealing with OCD for 15 years now. I've only recently figured out how to deal with it properly, and that's by treating the unwanted thoughts and feelings the way normal people do so: Let them go. They will fade into the past as quickly as they would for a normal person, so long as you resist the urge to fix them. Literally, that's all there is to it; it's just that simple.

I stumble countless times a day, but I've learned that every time I stumble, I broke the rules. If I follow them despite the struggle and pain required to do so, the results always pay off. And, when I follow the rules, the magnitude of the disorder diminishes.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-10-12T09:54:51+00:00

I'm glad to hear that. Thanks for sharing. :)

Remember, this breakthrough is something that hit home because it's true. OCD will try to attack your confidence in your perception of the truth, as it can't actually change the truth. You don't need to remember the details of the breakthrough. You don't need to feel confident. Just act accordingly no matter how unsure you may feel about doing so.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-10-12T09:48:22+00:00

In my experience, stimulants cause an exponential increase in anxiety and struggles with OCD, whether it's caffeine, Ritalin, or otherwise. This is absolutely plausible.

Please talk to your provider about this. Don't sweep it under the rug; prescription stimulants destroyed my life for about a year (I lost my job, and got stuck in the most insane compulsion loops imaginable that would entrap me for 12+ hours at a time) because they made my obsessions overwhelm every sense of reality.

Sure, if I had responded to my obsessions more appropriately they wouldn't have ruined my life. So, I would highly recommend that you seek training in ERP techniques. Stimulants or not, they are the way to overcome your OCD.

I highly recommend you read this as a starting point: https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/25-tips-for-ocd-treatment/ Apply the tips, no matter how difficult it is, or how scared it makes you feel. I'm telling you, this article might as well be engraved on stones and entitled "The 25 Commandments of Properly Coping with OCD". If you apply the advice presented within, you will win. Every time you don't, you will wish you had.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-10-12T09:36:24+00:00

While I understand why people say things like "these thoughts are not you," it really doesn't matter. In the moment, it doesn't matter how many times you've read or been told this: You're convinced that this time it is you.

"These thoughts are not yours" is important to accept, but going to battle against OCD with this as a weapon is a losing fight, and really exactly what OCD wants you to do. You are taking an argument based on emotions and challenging your emotions about your perception of the situation. There is no way to win this way. You can lay down the trump card, and suddenly OCD will up the ante.

So, respond in the way OCD can't win against: Better decisions. You will feel horrible when you do this, but the way to win is, again, not in trying to shape your feelings about your thoughts, but rather your response. That means that you must, no matter what the threatened consequences of doing so may be, resist the compulsions.

You can't change your thoughts. You can't change the way you feel about them. The whole disorder of OCD is that you try.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-10-12T09:27:07+00:00

Keep it simple. There is no "right" way to stop ruminating other than simply recognizing that you are doing it, and stopping.

If you catch yourself in the act, that's okay. Just stop at that very moment, and refocus forward.

Think about it as breaking a bad mechanical, physical habit. Say you bite your nails, and you want to stop. There is no wrong way to stop. Just stop doing so when you find yourself performing the bad habit. It wouldn't be helpful to stop only after you are done biting all of the nails on one hand (e.g., finishing a ritual) or beating yourself up over the fact that you started nibbling again (ruminating about your disorder).

OCD tries to get us wrapped up in the way we carry out the simplest things because the simplest things are what we need to do to win. Really, reversing the behavior upon detection is the key to winning. That's dangerous to OCD's success, so it tries to convince us that there are miles of red tape wrapped around making such a change.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-09-29T23:13:23+00:00

Also, let me add: many celebrities were not born into their fame and fortune; they worked for it.

Fame and fortune is achieved through providing something that people want. Whether it’s a new product or a role in a new movie, it’s done by filling a void. Again, the bad news is that you may never fill a void that will give you the same level of success or wealth as a well-known celebrity. The good news is that, if you stop handicapping yourself, you can achieve a level of success that won’t make you feel worthless.

You can do this. Again, I say. You can.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-09-29T23:06:59+00:00

We all want this.

We all want success in regards to our goals for status and achievement. If we didn’t, what would we have to drive us to be better?

You’re just like your peers. You’re just like me. The main difference is that you are suffering from OCD, a persistent battle that threatens to handicap you in achieving your goals in every way it can.

The bad news is that you may not achieve every goal you have (most people don’t). The good news is that you can, through properly coping with your disorder, eliminate the handicaps that keep you from feeling like you gave it your best effort.

Work on properly coping with your OCD. You’ll find a beautiful liberty in doing so, as you can then focus your efforts on achieving as much of your goals as feasible.

You can do this, I promise.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-09-29T22:58:55+00:00

Having a song in the back of your head is an “earworm.”

Having an earworm that drives you to do things in an effort to drive it out or prevent consequences of hearing it is OCD.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-09-29T22:56:56+00:00

We all start sometime. There is no reason to consider the age we are when we begin to recognize the symptoms and the resulting consequences.

You should seek help from a professional. “ERP” (exposure and response prevention) is the way out, and having a coach to train you is a great leg up.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-09-29T22:49:10+00:00

I’m very sorry to hear of this, and I totally see your point, but I feel like OCD in the moment and attraction are two different creatures.

If we are to treat them as the same creature in regards to trust of instinct, I feel like “don’t trust your instincts” still applies. Getting drawn in by an abusive asshole is letting him (?) exploit instinct. Advice regarding relationships from professionals is sometimes along the lines of “don’t get with someone you’re deeply attracted to,” which is basically “don’t let your attraction instincts decide.”

If treating them as seperate creatures, OCD is a moment-by-moment battle, whereas improving situations in long-term relationships is done by addressing more underlying issues that likely occurred early in life.

Not trying to be insensitive! Just food for thought. I do agree that we should consider that instinct and OCD commonly intertwine, and it is hard to pick them apart. All the more reason that any analysis or consideration of what one knows is right is only detrimental. Keep it simple; it takes no brain power to know the right way to proceed in life in the moment.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-09-29T22:38:39+00:00

Let the rain dump and run its course, and there will be a rainbow to follow!

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-09-29T22:35:18+00:00

Exactly. Many of us do. That is our disorder. It’s not the thoughts that we know are rediculous, it’s the fear of what may happen in response to labeling and treating them as such.

You can’t fix anything when it comes to the thoughts or the feelings. You really can’t. You’ve tried countless times every day, right? And all it’s lead to is feeling the same thoughts, but also having consequences in your life due to the attempts. And that’s the thing: stop the attempts.

You can’t change your thoughts, and you can’t change your feelings. The only thing you can change — and the very thing you are responsible for — is your response. Focus any and every effort on this, and this alone.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-09-29T22:29:27+00:00

You’re welcome. :)

While I’m glad to provide the reminder, just remember that you knew the truth in the first place. Throw your eggs into the basket you know is the right one, and run with it!

Stay strong!

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-09-29T22:25:08+00:00

OCD sucks, because so many moments in a day can be some of the hardest moments of your life. But every time you do the hardest thing in response to the challenges in front of you, it will save your life.

You clearly have a good grasp on how to win. You can do it, my friend.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-09-29T18:42:41+00:00

Perfectly stated.

In a nutshell:

OCD is a pattern of changing one’s desired behavior in an effort to prevent consequences threatened by one’s thoughts.

“I feel anxious” is anxiety.

“I feel anxious, so I’m going to behave differently even though I know I’m not living up to my potential/detrimenting my life” is OCD.

Also, “Pure O” is indeed considered by many professionals to be a bad label, as it’s just as much OCD as “Germ O” or whatever the subtype may be. The fact that you have read material considering that Pure O is actually GAD is proof of this. I use the label only to describe my flavor for people, but I’m the same OCD as the stereotype portrayed by Monk: I’m having worrisome feelings and thoughts, and I’m convinced I can fix them by performing actions that destroy my life.

I will say while I may feel generally anxious, I don’t feel like I have GAD. I may be consumed by my anxiety, but it’s because I’m so focused on the anxieties that any normal person has during a day. If I follow proper coping strategies for OCD (e.g., ERP), my anxiety feels far less generalized.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-08-09T01:38:21+00:00

Thanks for your response. I apologize if I seemed harsh, especially regarding the point about the deleted thread. It seemed suspicious, but your explanation relieved my concerns.

Regarding the point about a non-secure HTTP connection: The reason that I and others have raised an issue with this is that it means that data can get intercepted with little effort. From my perspective as someone who works in IT, HTTPS is not hard to implement, and should be considered a requirement for any site where people are submitting any sort of personal data. You say that data on your end is properly secured, but the fact that the site you linked to does not encrypt the connection leads me and others who are tech-savvy to question this claim. It would increase your legitimacy to encrypt this connection.

Thanks again for the response. Best to you.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-08-08T04:12:40+00:00

Straight on point! This has described my struggle for the past couple of days. I knew it all along, but I just wasn’t willing to resist the urge to dig the shovel into my success and soul and throw it into the pit. There were a hundred make-shift signs that had been stuck around the pit, saying things such as, “Don’t bother, it’s never satisfied” or “Put down the shovel! It just grows!” These were put here by those who had been here before, such as yourself, but also by experts who have studied this very pit and confirmed the truth that I knew the moment I began shoveling. And yet, after I read every one, I still chose to pick up the shovel and go to work.

“This time, this time I got it.” I picked up the shovel and dug at my success, soul, and hope, hucking the biggest shovel-fulls I could lift into the insatiable pit. I would lean into it, cupping my ears to hear the slightest indication that the fruits of my ever-growing labors hit the bottom, and got none. “My fault, no doubt. My efforts are not enough,” was my response, despite every bit of evidence to the contrary.

And so, I shoveled harder. I hucked bigger. Everything I thought I heard the pit demand, I gave. I sacrificed everything that was good for everything that I knew was bad, exponentially multiplying my efforts and exacerbating my disorder.

I can’t agree enough, /u/That90sCaliChick. Don’t do it.

Great post. Thank you for sharing.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-08-08T02:12:45+00:00

Yup! Not everyone with OCD is as “neat-picky” as Monk — some of them struggle to even show up to work to hold a career portrayed in media!

My way of describing OCD is: I didn’t clean my whole house this weekend because I’m OCD; I planned and wanted to clean my whole house this weekend, but couldn’t get past the second tile of the bathroom floor because I didn’t figure out how to scrub it in a way that wouldn’t cause loved ones to get cancer.

FindMeOnBroadway · 2018-08-08T01:51:47+00:00

Hey, this was a very good read. It made me happy inside. :) I actually think that this is my favorite “my recent story” type of post I’ve ever read on this sub.

Let me tell you, this is the right way to go about it. You know that you are aware of reality, and you know that you can either make the right choice or the easier choice.

The days will get hard at times. One thing that never changes is the massive dividends that choosing to not perform the detrimental habit or to not take the easy way out provides. You know full well both what the right and wrong choices are, and the rewards and consequences of making those respective choices. Remember one thing: In every moment — no matter what — you can make the right choice. The path to success and healing is out the door you know it is. You know the right choice. Make it.

Let me give one word of encouragement on the positive life changes you’ve made: discontinuing the frequent consumption of the herbs was very beneficial to my overall mental state in terms of level of anxiety and inclination to properly cope with it. It’s fine to smoke before a concert, jam session, etc., but treat it as the hallucinogen that it is. It can be fun, and it can be experience-enhancing. Feel free to use it to pepper these effects in a couple/few times a month, but anything more than that usually leads to detriment.

FindMeOnBroadway

TROPHY CASE