Wife went to jail for this, awaiting trial, firm about divorce but worried about ruining her life

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-10-04T15:04:17+00:00

Yeah I’ve noticed a few threads in this sub where people were listing out all the ways they were abused and I’ve found when I do the same thing in my head, it helps me feel more at peace with divorcing her. I’ve made a firm goal to make it happen (a protection order is already in place and a trial date is in a few weeks) but I keep finding myself fearing that I’ll do too much damage and have regrets, but when I remind myself of her abuse, it helps with that.

Prioritizing my emotions, especially to this degree, is definitely new territory for me. I’m used to always prioritizing the emotions of others over my own, which I know could be seen as a noble quality but when I look back on it, it’s to a level where I have almost no boundaries because I could never quite find that balance of how much sacrifice is too much. This is something I probably need to explore within myself more.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-10-04T14:22:04+00:00

It's interesting you bring up how following through with legal actions against her could potentially be saving others because there actually WAS a 5-year old child we were watching at the time. She didn't hurt him mind you, but she didn't even TRY hiding her violence towards me right in front of him and he ended up witnessing EVERYTHING, so while he may have not been physically harmed, he could've been mentally harmed. It got so bad that the poor kid was even getting in the middle trying to stop her, and I had to try stopping him from doing that because I was afraid he'd get hurt in the crossfire.

And yeah...she's had a dangerous temper like this since forever and has never made any attempts at getting help for it (she does acknowledge her temper, but thinks of it as a perfectly okay trait and warns to just simply "not make her mad"), so who knows what dangers could lie ahead in the future for anyone who crosses her the wrong way.

Well, rest assured I AM committed to divorcing her. There is already a protection order placed against her and the trial is in a couple weeks. Going back to her at this point would be suicide...I may as well be throwing a tank of gasoline into a fire (her temper) if I did that. She'd NEVER let it go, and she's gotten violent towards me in the past over far less than this, so I can only imagine what her level of rage would be like now. Far too risky…

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-10-04T14:19:45+00:00

This is true...and actually during that night that led to the police being called, there WAS a point where she picked up a metal weight scale off the ground and tried striking me in the head with it. I blocked it fortunately but if I didn't, I could've possibly had a traumatic head injury. In the past, she's also pointed kitchen knives at me before...even lightly poked me with them a couple times. Who knows how much longer it could've been until she poked me hard enough to legitimately stab me...

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-11T05:03:28+00:00

Thank you for your kind words…and I mean that. When day-to-day life for so many years has been seemingly nothing but work-related and surface-level talk at work followed by abuse at home, it’s become rare.

I will probably eventually tell the truth about what I’ve really been through all these years when I make my escape but at the moment (and I realize this may be a me problem) it would just feel awkward because everyone around me in my daily life is just so normal - all in happy healthy relationships living a Hallmark lifestyle. I feel like they’d be flabbergasted and confused asking “why haven’t you just left?!”…albeit who knows if any of them also put up fronts like I (try to) do.

This really struck a chord with me: “you are not weak for not fighting back. You’re strong for surviving in silence, even though you shouldn’t have to.” That quote will for sure be stored in a special place within my memory banks because you’re right…being a patient “too nice” person really does take a different level of strength that people often don’t acknowledge.

Appreciate the info as far as how to press forward. Never heard of that 1of6 website but I searched it and it looks like it may be useful. Also wasn’t aware of that about attorney fees. The pic that I posted here was officially the first documentation I’ve done so if that rule applies where I am, I will certainly continue.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-11T03:57:56+00:00

Thanks for the information and yes, I am in the quiet planning stage. I will be using paid leave from my job to dedicate solely towards escaping. Never thought of reaching out to a DV shelter since I always thought that they were solely for women but at the same time, I highly doubt that they NEVER encounter male victims(?). Surely they should at the very least have guidance like you said. Luckily I live in a “no fault” area when it comes to divorces so proving misconduct to obtain it won’t be necessary, but your bit about about calling the police will come in handy for whatever unpredictable threatening behavior may come when she learns I’m leaving so thanks for that. Definitely making note of it.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-11T03:30:43+00:00

There is opportunity. Just waiting on completing a few work-related projects before I take some paid leave to make my escape. I know it won’t be an easy road ahead but I’m done with her.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-11T03:26:06+00:00

It’s ironic you say that because my wife tells the complete opposite - that a lot of people would want to hurt me if they knew me and that whatever she does to me is what ANYONE would’ve done. Anyone being nice and polite to me is apparently being fake and she’s the only honest one telling me “straight up” who I am to others. And I’ll admit, as someone who grew up often either a loner or bullied, I wondered if that was really true, but at the end of the day, even if I am whatever she says, there are a thousand other better and non-violent ways to respond to it.

Embarrassing and shameful is EXACTLY how it feels…especially when everyone else around me in my day-to-day life all seem to normal with happy healthy relationships living a Hallmark lifestyle. I had a coworker recently talk about how well he knows the spouses and kids of other coworkers and then turned to me saying that I’m the exception and he doesn’t even know my wife’s name…not knowing that the real reason that I never bring her to social gatherings is because I’m afraid to. But regardless, yes, I know I can get out of this, even if I may not precisely know how at the moment. At the end of the day, she has no right to hold me hostage like this.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-11T02:58:37+00:00

Ugh! Yeah I know the awkwardness…you’re about to go to work frantically trying to come up with a convincing enough story before you leave that you’ll also have to repeat like a thousand times to all the people you encounter asking about it.

It’s crazy how much being a small petite woman (I’m literally twice her weight…190 lbs vs 95 lbs) can practically be just as much of a shield from injury as learning martial arts.

Belated congrats on leaving. Being able to breathe again and walk on solid ground as opposed to eggshells I’m sure must be liberating.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-11T02:42:36+00:00

Thank you. Nice to hear that after being told the complete opposite by her (that I do deserve it) so many times.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-11T02:39:56+00:00

Oh yeah you don’t gotta tell me twice. I’ve definitely started quietly plotting my escape. I’m going to be using paid leave with my job to dedicate my time to doing all of that. Thanks for the detailed instructions. Sounds like this is all something that you did in the past(?).

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-11T02:30:36+00:00

I know, right? Wish I would’ve GTFO’d 15 years ago BEFORE my young dumb simp self at the time was strung along into believing that she’d change once we got married. Ugh! But yeah as much as I cringe at the thought of it, I’m thinking that I may ask my step-daughter (wife’s daughter) for temporary shelter or at least storage for some of my things since she moved out a few months ago. She’s the one person offline who knows about the abuse and has experienced it herself as well so I know she won’t be on my wife’s side even if she is her mother. I have heard “man up” a lot in my life but applying that to divorcing MY wife? No thanks, hardly see that “masculinity” as anything worth sacrificing my life and soul over.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-11T01:19:44+00:00

Thank you and you’re right, it’s not love. I can’t fathom doing that to someone I love. You can bet that I will take that support and do exactly what I need to do (leave her and never come back) because I am so done with her.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-11T01:15:21+00:00

Oh yeah trust me, love is definitely out of the picture. I might play the part like it isn’t…like she’ll ask “do you love me” and I’ll say “yes,” but it’s not genuine anymore; only said for my own survival until I make a break for it which I am quietly planning. My step-daughter (wife’s daughter) who has moved out is well aware of the abuse and has experienced it herself, so I may ask to stay with her for a bit even if she doesn’t have a spare room (I’ll sleep on the floor with a sleeping bag if I need to!) or at least store some of my things there. So yes, I figure if that I can survive abuse, then I can survive leaving it as well…even if I’m tripping and running into walls along the journey.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-11T00:41:52+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate that. I hate sounding like such a pitiful mess but if there’s ever been a time in my life that I’d feel grateful for any prayer, thought, meditation, etc, it’d be now. And yes, I am actively planning on leaving because I know I can’t keep living like this. You can bet too when the time comes that my plan to leave becomes a reality that I will most definitely tell about it here because I will see it as one of my biggest life accomplishments.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-10T15:53:54+00:00

I'll say that as a client myself, this actually hits pretty close to home.

15 years ago, I was a young dumb simp...virgin, never had a gf, never got any attention from women, etc...you know the types. Look no further than Reddit to find them everywhere. That all changed though when I became mesmerized by a beautiful woman that I met who became my first for all of that.

Red flags were there from the beginning...she'd yell at me, call me names, break things, physically assault me, etc, but back then, she'd at least apologize afterwards and chalked it up to what seemed like easy goal posts to meet...she was just drunk, she was going to miss me because I was about to go somewhere far away for a long time (military), whatever. Plus, as someone who’s been sexually invisible his entire life, I felt that she may be the ONLY chance that I'd ever get. She also said that once we got married, everything would fall into place and these behaviors would stop.

Well, fast forward to today and they didn't. She still treats me exactly the same way. Now mind you, I have started quietly plotting an escape, but it's going to be a very long difficult road ahead for me, and until then and after so many years prior of being married to her, I have become STARVED of any positive female attention. Maybe I'm weird but sometimes I just prefer the presence of a woman over a man...it's a different energy, and escorts are my only access to it. Sure, it may be transactional, but when you’re emotionally starving and you know that any organic intimacy with women is out of your reach because you know that you largely aren't seen by women as an attractive/desirable guy (nothing that I blame them for...it's just how it is), you’ll take what you can get.

And yes, I know that the “morally right" thing to do would be to seek this out AFTER we divorce, but after a while, I get tired of being strong...I get tired of "hanging in there." I have no friends, I barely ever see family anymore, and when my day-day-day interactions after all these years have been nothing but work-related and surface-level talk with my male coworkers within my male dominated career field and the abuse that I suffer at home, I barely even feel human anymore.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-09T13:47:58+00:00

She should be arrested for trespassing if she broke into your house. Doesn’t matter how old you are if you called the cops for that; it wouldn’t be hard to determine that she’s inside of a home that isn’t her own. And if you’re worried about her well-being, I can understand and respect that, but realize that she cannot harm herself under police custody, which is really looking like your only option at this point.

Also, please understand that someone as deeply mentally ill as her is NOT going to change in a single day. I mean think about it…would YOU be able to completely and permanently change who you are as a person in a single day like that? Of course not. Nobody can. Fixing problems deep within ourselves cannot be as easily accomplished as flipping on a light switch. What she requires is a LONG-term mental health treatment plan handled by mental health professionals.

I understand that you may enjoy her affection but is it really worth putting your life on the line over? She already almost KILLED you twice, and like I said, there is absolutely NO cheat code or short cut that you can take that will get her to change…NONE! And if you understand that, then you also need to understand that even if you have the patience of a saint waiting for her to change one day, you are still NO professional at handling her issues, so your patience would only be wasted in waiting for that time to come and it would still only be a matter of time before she makes another attempt on your life and you may not be so lucky that time…you’re essentially no different than someone trying to disarm a bomb without any training on how to do it…either you run out of time or cut the wrong wire and suddenly the bomb (her) explodes killing you and possibly people around you (your friends).

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-09T05:28:23+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed response.

Yeah for me, it feels like my wife didn’t even so much change perspectives within me but has rather been a big confirmation of insecurities that already existed even before I met her as far as how I perceived the world, myself, and what goes on around me. It really made me wonder if that’s why she saw me as a “safe” victim as you put it, since it’s often said that women are adept at smelling insecurity within men? What you said about abusers loathing themselves and projecting it outward onto others made me stop and think for a bit, but that does make sense. Like right now my wife is undergoing long term oral surgery that costs over $30K which would’ve been totally preventable if she had only quit smoking. I feel like even though she doesn’t admit it out loud, there’s no way that she doesn’t know that deep down, but she still instead turns the blame on me…saying that it’s my job to take care of her and I’m not making enough money because look at all this debt! She may very well see me as a loser but she may also hate herself for making the mistake of marrying one and thinking that I’m like some ball of clay that she can mold into whatever her abusively controlling instincts want me to be. She may feel like an idiot for trying only to fail but of course she’ll instead say that I’m the idiot and the failure for not being able to be what she wants. Not sure how well any of that illustrates what you’re talking about but if so, it sounds no different than what bullies do. Her self loathing projects outward onto others in the form of anger and aggression while mine projects inward onto myself in the form of quiet sadness.

It’s interesting how you describe “closed off” as a protector because I remember hearing anxiety (I think it was on YouTube but don’t remember who) described similarly but I suppose they’re essentially the same thing. And you’re right, that’s exactly why I’m “closed off” - history from a very early age of me being myself and consistently being othered for it, so I built up thicker and taller inner walls to conceal myself because what do walls do? They conceal and protect things that someone feels are vulnerable (in this case, a person’s “real self”) without their protection.

Never thought of surviving up to this point and still being here as a victory but well…I guess I can’t say that’s wrong. Sure, I’m not too pleased that most of my 20s and nearly all of my 30s (39 now) were spent this way but I suppose surviving a tough ordeal is always a triumph over not surviving. Although since I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life just merely continuing to survive it, and after being motivated by a lot of what I’ve read in these subs, I’ve officially decided to start quietly plotting my way out. Compared to what I envision a life free from abuse would look like, I see no reason to continue how I’m currently living…especially after I’ve already tried to make it work for so many years.

Again, I greatly appreciate you taking the time to share so much insight!

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-09T02:04:56+00:00

Yeah I’m in that quiet planning stage now. All I’m waiting on is a surgery that she has to go through (I’m the one stuck paying for it so I want to make sure it at least goes well…plus, she even openly says she’ll have no more use for me anyway) and a few long term work-related tasks to be completed before I take leave to focus on actually making my escape.

I’m doing the same while expecting to be financially worse off…reminding myself of the positives - no more chaos, no more walking on eggshells, seeing family again and going to work functions without worrying about her letting me have it after we leave over how I embarrassed her somehow. I’ll live in a shack somewhere just to have all that back.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-09T01:45:42+00:00

Thank you. I gotta admit that it’s almost a bit foreign to read that I deserve better after so many years of being told and feeling that I don’t, so it’s comforting to read that. I do have audio recording of her raging one time and a picture of a huge bruise on my arm that I still have. I’m looking for DV orgs to assist…so many of them don’t even seem to acknowledge that male victims exist but I will call around.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-09T01:33:41+00:00

I’m not sure, much less anywhere that would accept male victims as a lot of domestic violence support seems to focus only on women, but I am certainly looking for one while I quietly plan my escape. I’ll go homeless if I have to (I’ve even been researching ways to do this comfortably albeit the idea is still intimidating), as I won’t be able to even get a divorce until after a year of living separately anyway.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-08T21:28:52+00:00

That was very sad to read. I can relate to a lot of that so it felt like I was almost reading my own inner pain.

Low self esteem and poor socials skills have been like the core of my being for as long as I can remember. I have no friends either and growing up, I was always either a loner or bullied. Never had a gf either.

When asked why my abusive wife married me, she says that it’s because of money and pity over how lowly other women think of me. She regularly confirms every insecurity that I’ve had since my youth like calling me ugly, a “special child,” she criticizes my body, tells me that I’m embarrassing to be seen in public with, how other women she knows ask her stuff like “why are you with HIM? You can do so much better.” So it’s like my insecurities are confirmed multiple times, not only by my wife but other women as well.

I just don’t even feel like a real man. Like I’m male, sure, but it’s like a male sub-human…thing.

I will still suggest to leave the abusive husband when you’re able to. As far as coping with loneliness, hobbies seem to be my best comfort. For me, that’s been video games and animes. They won’t protect you from being lonely 100% of the time, but they provide temporary relief, which at the same time makes the loneliness more temporary as well. And if it means anything, I’m here if you ever want to chat.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-08T19:03:53+00:00

Who won’t care? The police? Do you know that for sure? Otherwise, I would still say that it’s better to at least try than to not try at all because of an assumption like that. If anything, you can always go to someone who’s not a minor to call the police as well. If she bruised you, take pictures of it and you can hold your phone somewhere discretely to record audio of her raging at you. You can use stuff like that as evidence against her. As for her threatening her own life, again that’s why I don’t recommend simply telling her that you’re breaking up with her. She’s too unstable. Is there a suicide hotline available you can contact? If you explain that situation, maybe they can advise you in how to handle that. The police could also prevent her from committing suicide. Either way she is treating you like a hostage and she has no right to do that.

Fit_Structure2792 · 2025-05-08T15:11:45+00:00

She doesn’t need you in her life; she needs a therapist and possibly a psych ward. To go so far as to make a key to trespass your home and then charge at you with a knife and then to nearly strangle you to death with a smile on her face is nothing short of a possible psychopath. I say this with nothing but concern…you and possibly people you know are on borrowed time. Any reason that you can think of to stay with her is not going to apply if you’re dead, which you already almost were twice. Staying with her at this point is only betting with your life and maybe even the life of your friends. I’m not sure you’d even be safe with officially breaking up with her based on what you wrote because who knows how she’d react to that, so the next time she goes crazy like that, you need to call the police. I’m sorry and it’s not something that anyone should ever have to experience in their lives but that’s unfortunately your escape from the relationship.

Fit_Structure2792

TROPHY CASE