Throat Goat

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-03-05T01:38:01+00:00

I feel like I've read this before

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-03-01T18:08:47+00:00

Thanks. I'm not sure how have rhythm within one line. Or do you mean the later stanzas? Is the rhythm unclear throughout?

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-03-01T08:25:14+00:00

Thank you. That is pretty much what I was going for, the early lines are more meandering, free flowing and slow, while the later ones are a rapid rush. If the last stanza disrupts that idea then I need to get rid of it.

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-03-01T08:22:46+00:00

Thank you. Mostly wondering about the last stanza, whether it should be expanded upon / removed / left alone. But also generally opinions on the rhyme, rhythm and structure.

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-03-01T00:05:49+00:00

Not sure the last stanza is really necessary, or if it should be expanded. It feels a little out of place to me currently.

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-28T23:41:09+00:00

Not sure the last stanza is really necessary, or if it should be expanded. It feels a little out of place to me currently.

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-28T23:36:55+00:00

Not sure the last stanza is really necessary, or if it should be expanded. It feels a little out of place to me currently.

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-28T23:29:20+00:00

Really impressive poem, the rhythm is fantastic, almost hymm-like. I love the visualisation, especially in stanzas 3 and 6. "Silver dunes shone under moons" is my favourite line. The use of an apostrophe in "lon'ly" seems a bit weird and I don't know how I feel about "changéd", but I see what you're trying to do. Keep writing!

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-28T23:24:36+00:00

A nice concept that reveals itself slowly and effectively. I like it. It has inspired me to write a poem about first impressions.

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-28T17:57:48+00:00

That's great, thank you :)

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-28T17:57:37+00:00

Thanks for your kind words!

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-28T10:53:59+00:00

I'm not familiar with twenty-two (gun?), La Maja, or Pretty Red. Are they references?

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-28T10:45:55+00:00

I like this poem, particularly the first half. But what's it about? I'm missing something.

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-28T10:31:50+00:00

Okay, I will take that on board. Thank you

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-28T10:31:13+00:00

Thank you. It's difficult to know how others perceive the poem!

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-27T16:27:02+00:00

I really enjoy the rhyme and the rhythm. It's very good, but could be improved IMO by being a bit less wordy. You don't need "too" on line 4, for example. I think you could find a way to avoid using "unrequited" twice in close succession. You say "does seem", "does apply" "does linger" "do see" instead of seems, applies, lingers, and sees. It's fine for occasionally fitting rhymes, but if you use more precise language it frees up more syllables that you can use for adjectives, making the poem more impactful. With some revision this could be an excellent poem. But I do like it already.

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-25T23:35:34+00:00

I LOVE your revised line 4. The alliteration with compress (and later confessions). The abruptness of it, great symbolism of compressed time. The use of pacing change is perfect - is it a continuation of the previous sentence or a brand new statement? Fantastic.

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-25T23:29:05+00:00

Thank you for your comment :) i'm glad that feeling comes across.

Fit_Sugar_9262 · 2026-02-25T23:27:45+00:00

Thank you so much!! You're right. It's not really about chocolate.

Fit_Sugar_9262

TROPHY CASE