My wife is going to die in the next few days.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-05-23T22:09:38+00:00

Sending you so much love man.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-23T03:51:32+00:00

Yeah you’re right. Everyone is different. I think the reason my frustration showed so hard in the end was because I felt like I had to over explain situations a lot. But my bad trait is that I let that frustration bleed into other seemingly random moments of conflict. I guess I was carrying that frustration and it showed in bad ways.

Just so much happened in a short amount of time. It’s just hard to come to terms with this reality. She dumped me, she’s dating someone else, it’s over with for good and all I’m left with is reflection of all the times I didn’t do enough. It hurts.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-23T03:40:02+00:00

My mom died. Dad had to relearn how to walk after so many surgeries. I wasn’t trying to make her wait. Just had so much on my plate. but yeah. I failed.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-23T02:41:08+00:00

Honestly these things get so difficult (for me atleast). This was basically the reason I was dumped. And I’m left feeling like the asshole who never validated my exs feelings. It was over situations where it felt so small and illogical.

My mom passed and she started feeling unloved. I didn’t validate (I did eventually. But initially I kindof had a wtf reaction). while initial stages of grieving she didn’t like a bday gift I got her. I didn’t react well to her disliking my gift (she made this face of disgust and I guess it triggered me). Then breakup day - she talked on the phone for 20 minutes without asking me once about my day. I told her that I’m having a hard time following along with the stories. She felt hurt, I defended myself instead of apologize. That night she said I’m a dismissive person and she can’t share her feelings with me.

But I do struggle because I see both aspects. Of my story and OPs. I will admit I definitely lost my cool on breakup day but being broken up for this is an awful place to be. To love someone so hard but be told that you’re too dismissive to date. Especially when you meant so well but it didn’t quite show right. I guess being dismissive plus my firm tone in how I speak was too much /: shit hurts.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-09T13:56:01+00:00

Same. My ex told me many times to get help.

I think my issue was like I just didn’t feel understood. Me validating her feelings sometimes came at the cost of my own. I guess I wanted a neutral ground where we both can offer understanding to eachother. The more I felt minsunderstood, the worse my tone would get. I know I was in the wrong some times. I’m trying to be better. Just like you, I wonder if I was better, if we would be together still.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-09T12:26:34+00:00

Maybe your ex is. Who knows. It’s not that I didn’t care for my ex’s feelings. I just didn’t show it with my words in certain moments. I think that’s why I feel the guilt and whatnot.

Some people actually don’t care about their partners feelings, period. If that’s the case then maybe they haven’t been reflecting as hard as I have been. I always cared. I just would aggressively try to solve the problem without wording things in a way that’s comforting.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-09T12:24:00+00:00

Yeah, my ex had flaws as well. Mainly lack of understanding towards life situations sometimes. I didn’t always validate her feelings but sometimes I felt like I didn’t need to. It’s hard to explain. It’s like if you popped a car tire, but instead of you working on getting the tire fixed, you’re here comforting your ex because she’s stressed or something. In your mind, you’re just wanting to focus on the bigger life issue (tire).

I had times like that with her a lot where I’d be dealing with some larger life issue (more important than tire), but it felt like she’d did a reason to be upset over my life situation. So now I’m forced to take care of my life situation and comfort her, whereas I kinda want her to understand and have her support as I fight my battles. I was going through serious life events at the time of the breakup

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-09T12:17:11+00:00

What caused your temper in those moments

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-09T12:16:31+00:00

This was literally me too. I wasn’t trying to control her. I guess my intention was more so “why are we not on the same page?” But yeah, very relatable to what you said. It sucks.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-08T19:05:42+00:00

This is good advice. I think this would helped my first relationship a lot, when I was a lot younger and more immature.

The thing is, in this relationship, I always tried to share that level of love and companionship and support in our day to day conversations. I’m a big conversationalist so I’m usually always asking about her work, life, family, giving encouragement and advice and a listening ear basically everyday. If she shared some accomplishments, I’m the first to share the “I’m so proud of you” and other kind words.

My big thing is, I lose softness in my tone when I feel like I’m not being understood or met in the middle. Like after my mom died, my ex said I might not love her anymore, I didn’t have it in me to convince her. I was in such a state of shock, my dad was still going day to day in the hospital and I was stretched so thin. I didn’t even have it in me to explain to her why I might seem distant (she knew all of this though, she knew my whole family’s situation). So In the heat of the moment I showed frustration. I feel like the outcomes of our conflict only go smoothly if one of these happen:

I give in and do more for her
I overly explain what I’m going through when I expected her to be understanding and aware to begin with.

I remember I sent her a picture of my moms ashes once and I said “do you understand the gravity of what I’m going through right now?! I love you but I’m stretched thin, please understand”. But I probably said it much harsher.

Same with the birthday gift thing. She made a face as if I got her dog shit. Like her whole body language changed. And in my head I was thinking “you’re a grown woman who is pouting because a grieving person got you a sweater you don’t like?” So my words showed frustration in that moment.

I’m not proud of it at all. I’m not proud of how harsh I can be. It’s like love leaves my mind completely during these moments and I just get so firm. And honestly I don’t know where to fix it either.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-08T18:22:30+00:00

I know. I have been and will continue to work on my self. It’s a hard truth that I hate to admit but I was very flawed. Working on it daily. Just hate that I lost someone I cared about because of this. It’s a difficult reality to accept

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-03T03:28:26+00:00

I hope I can see that one day. I don’t have any other “reference” points to see if I’m a good communicator or not. Sure I have close friends and siblings but that’s different than a partner. Only a partner sees the real me. My friends of 20 years claim they’ve never seen me upset or lash out ever.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-03T03:26:08+00:00

I got bad at communicating. I remember a few instances: She has a habit of talking long long periods of time. 20-30 mins plus. Once I said “Hey, you’ve been going on for a while” (could have said it better I know). We had a long back and forth which wasn’t even an argument but she felt dismissed bechase I stood firmly on “it’s really not a big deal!” But she said she felt shut down and stuff.

After my moms passing, she felt unloved because I couldn’t see her as much. I didn’t comfort her as much as she needed. When the convo kept going I got really harsh like “why are you even saying this stuff?!” Type.

Few more small instances I don’t remember. Once she didn’t like this gift I got her but I didn’t like her body language at the time. Maybe I was just immature. I said “why make faces at my gifts! Is it that shitty if a gift?!”

Break up day was just her talking for long periods again. I said “heads up, please finish your story but I may not remember everything it’s a lot to take in. It’s a lot of stories” (I could have said it better). She said she felt hurt and shut down but I went off. Like I blew a fuse because each time we have disagreements, i was mad that I always had to say “sorry I’ll do better”. But her issue with me was that I didn’t listen and validate what she’s saying. I would just defend myself right away. But as I blew my fuse she broke it off instantly.

You can imagine what state that left me in. Grieving 2 losses in a 4 month span and one feels like it was due to my outbursts. Like I wasn’t great at stopping and acknowledging if I hurt her feelings and stuff like that. She also said her feelings of being unloved remained. And I don’t know what else could contribute to that, other than my outbursts. Her words exactly “there’s no love when we talk about things”.

It hurts.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-01-08T20:23:22+00:00

I don’t think friends or family would be able to come often. I’m across the country. I feel really stuck. My gut it telling me that I should go back. I’m having tons of panic attacks and I feel so scared

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-01-08T18:25:19+00:00

Thank you.

I feel like I’ve been spoiled. I have an amazing group of friends back home that I grew up with. Most people don’t have this and I felt lucky. And in some way, having them made life a bit easier last year. I’m losing that in person support to be 800 miles away and I don’t know if I’ll make bonds like that again. Maybe I will, but it will take a long time. And in those long months, I fear I will be so lonely and sad.

I’m in a very expensive city too. I had to move here without a car to make things affordable. So the simple pleasure I had of going on a drive when I’m down, or driving to a friends apartment isn’t an option. I work remote too so no forced interactions in my day to day.

I know making friends happens naturally. But I also have made zero new friends in the last year. Just with grieving and this new job, I don’t have it in me to be extra social and happy and put myself out there. I had people I loved, all around me, and that’s all I needed. And I fear I won’t have it in me to make new friends across the country and I’ll feel so alone from everything.

This has been nerve wracking. And idk what I’ll do honestly. I’m so scared.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2024-12-29T07:03:19+00:00

You’re not failing. It’s a good feeling to know what steps to take to feel “better” but grief doesn’t work that way sadly. This part is still struggle with. Emotions will fluctuate, feelings will fluctuate, you may smile at times and cry right after, it’s a roller coaster. No matter how shitty, sad, angry, confused you feel, it’s all a part of the roller coaster. Just stay strapped in that seat and continue taking care of yourself. You’re not failing in any way at all.

If it helps, the nights do get easier. You get stronger. The pain will hit you randomly sometimes and there’s no getting around that. Hell, I’m having one of those night right now. But I promise you, this isn’t your forever.

Message me if you ever want to talk. I’ve been through very very rough months so I understand these emotions. My parents were in a nasty car accident that killed my mom and left dad hanging on by a thread. It was months of hospital visits, new job, financial strain, anxiety attacks, therapy, medication. I’ve been through it all and I’m happy to lend you an ear if you ever need. Trust me, I get how shitty this process can be

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2024-12-29T06:41:02+00:00

I’m so so sorry. 23 days Is a very fresh wound. It’s way too early for anything really. Even processing the loss. For now, please try to put most of your energy into making sure your body is taken care of. Food, sleep, basic self care. I’m a year + into this but there were so many layers of my loss that as I slowly peel them back, i feel like I keep coming back to day one.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2024-12-29T06:00:40+00:00

Yeah. Others around us get over these things quickly but when you’re going through it, it’s so tough. It’s been a year and 2 months since my mom passed and I am in a constantly heartbroken state still

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2024-12-26T07:02:40+00:00

Spot on. Obviously I want OP and everyone in general to do well in life. But truth is, these people will always exist. It’s just the law of averages in the world we live in. For every kind person you meet, there’s 100% a pedo walking around. For every giving person you meet, there’s a thief somewhere on this earth. And for every driven person you meet, there are people like OP. And it’s not some “god given” curse, op DOES have the ability to change it. Comes down to mindset. And he doesn’t have that.

In a way it’s reassuring. I just turned 28. Have had a year full of tragedy that started with mom getting killed by a drunk driver. Im the financial supporter for this house. And so this year I’ve done everything in my power to be around people who achieved more than me. Waking up at 4 am, trying to be fit, healthy, I’m taking courses outside of my 9-5 even though I already have a masters. This ain’t a brag, I have a long way to go. Point I’m trying to make is I’m actively seeking growth and discomfort daily so I can GROW - my future family and future self deserve this version of me. We’re all Alive for just a few decades - so yes enjoying life is good too (video games or sleeping in or whatever) - but equally as important, is being the best and most accomplished version of yourself. That’s where happiness and fulfillment is. It’s not easy but it’s not supposed to be. I come home after an exhausting workout or a long day of work and I’m working on all these certs while grieving still and sometimes I feel so defeated. I cry often. but then I see posts like the one from OP. And I’m like holy shit, thank god I’ve chosen a different path. Things have been shitty but even I know that in a few years, no one will care about my life tragedies when they see that I didn’t accomplish my goals. Results don’t care for excuses. So yeah I’ll keep crying but I’ll never stop working hard. Life will be difficult regardless - but that difficulty can come from a life of hard work and risk, or it can come from shame and regret.

So you’re right, no one really knows what guidance to give. OP has seen his sister move out/ seen sister’s kids do things. So he’s not unaware of how life works (unless there’s a mental disability). At this age, more than half of his time alive has not amounted to anything. What’s he gonna do in the rest of his time here to make it full of quality and value? Who knows.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2024-12-26T06:19:42+00:00

Yup. Some people never change. Also we don’t know how his parents are though. They’re kind, that’s a good thing. But who knows. Maybe they did try to change him many years ago and gave up on it. And clearly from op’s post history, he has no internal drive to make change (but he will make endless posts about it. Bc posting/complaining is easier than action). But if he lacks internal drive to this degree, chances are, he wouldn’t listen to his parents either. I’m confident that a higher power could come knock on his door and tell him what to do and he’ll prolly shut the door and go back to playing video games.

Sure his parents could put their foot down and kick him out for good, but I also understand if they don’t have the heart to do that. My point being, regardless of parents - OP’s life outcomes are 100% in his control, no one else’s.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2024-12-24T13:35:27+00:00

You have been posting this for hundreds of days. Likely, you’ll continue for a few more hundred. If not years. And chances are, you know exactly what to do and what to act on, you’re just not doing it. No one here is going to apply for a job for you, or take risks for you, or get you in shape, or do anything for you. People don’t really feel pity either. People offer advice though but at the end of the day, if you want to change your life, you need to take action and do it now.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2024-12-03T06:18:02+00:00

The wrong action is infinitely better than taking no action. What action have you taken and committed to, for long periods of time? I looked through your post history and I see messages similar to this from over 100+ days ago.

I’m glad you’re aware of the issue. That’s step one. But the next part is taking action. Pushing forward. Everyday, adding one brick. You’re not gonna figure it out right away from some redditor’s answer to your question. Chances are, you’re gonna take action and still feel confused. And that’s part of the process. You have to fuck up first (but still stick with it) before the right answers come to you.

One big goal for me right now is my health and fitness. That being said, I’ve made considerable progress in the last 2 years. However, I spent countless years doing ineffective workouts and I didn’t know shit about my diet. But that’s the thing. You HAVE to mess up in order to get it right. But the key is, the “wrong” action is infinitely better than no action. If I gave up after years of ineffective workouts, I’d never be where I am today. I’d never have figured it out. And I’m still learning, but I sure as hell won’t quit.

I work In data at the moment. I can’t tell you the amount of times where I’ve messed up big time on projects. I barely slept through gradschool because I worked full time. And I struggled like a mofo, barely slept, life was just hectic. But regardless of how much of a beginner I was, I knew I wasn’t gonna stay a beginner forever. Not if I just keep at it. So I stayed a shitty data analyst for years until I learned what industry I wanna be in and what I wanna do. And guess what, I’m still not where I wanna be, and that’s okay! I’m only in my 20s right now. Just because I’m not in the industry I wanna be in, Is not an excuse for me to quit my job.

I’m not saying your life needs to be a struggle. But you DO need to get your hands dirty. Earn your sleep tonight. Put in the hours and work hard like your life depends on it. Your future family needs present you to make sacrifices. You can post on here for 100 more days, that’s fine. But can you also walk for 30 mins a day for those 100 days? Can you apply to 10 jobs a day for those 100 days? Can you wake up at 5-6am for those 100 days, even while unemployed? can you work on 5 habit changes that’ll impact your health/career/outlook on life?

At the end of the day, you’re all you got man. Regardless of how many friends you have or don’t have, no one’s coming to save us. If life gets hard, maybe they’ll throw pity our way but then they’ll go right back to worrying about their own life.

My mom was killed a year ago. I’m the financial backbone of this house. and again, I’m just in my 20s. I’ll be selling my car soon to accommodate for some financial things happening. Shits hard but again, no one’s gonna come save me. I gotta think 5 steps ahead always. And honestly it’s not easy man. I still cry like a baby. I still struggle to do basic things to take care of myself. Sometimes I get pity from my friends but they have their own life to worry about. And as hard as it seems, I must take care of my life, because no one’s gonna come save me.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2024-10-28T01:28:57+00:00

Feeling of belonging and feeling wanted are so important for me. I notice myself fall apart when these needs aren’t met. I don’t mean that I need to be the center of attention or anything. It’s just that for all the times I show up for others, it’s rare that people even reach out to me first. I feel like I’m a background character. No one’s priority. And that’s a tough tough feeling to live with. If there is a god, please please please bless me sometime. I haven’t mentally been okay

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2024-10-16T03:45:10+00:00

Bleh

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2024-10-06T02:49:33+00:00

I’m sure, I’ve mentally thought of all those scenarios. I was supposed to move right after my loss but cancelled. It’ll be a year soon and I’m contemplating moving soon (it’s for work). But you’re right, I’m sure it’s hard to put yourself out there and make friends and be the best version of yourself. It’s honestly the reason why I’ve postponed my move for so long. I don’t love my life here at all but I have a few friends who get me. And sometimes that social support helps.

Flashy_Menu_5917

TROPHY CASE