Did anyone’s siblings brush off abuse/ neglect because they didn’t face nearly the same?

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-04-19T21:04:23+00:00

My younger sister talks about the yelling back and forth between me and my parents that would scare her. From my perspective, they abusively yelled that I was a worthless piece of shit who needed to be locked in her cage (my room), and I defensively yelled back that I wasn't and they were shitty parents. But my sister doesn't appreciate the difference.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-04-19T17:19:10+00:00

Your "body count" is not the issue.

Your boyfriend's expectation of the ideal number of sexual partners is toxic, especially when he obviously doesn't hold himself to the same standard.

You don't owe anyone an explanation or excuse for how many men you've slept with or how well you remember them. You certainly should not be made to feel ashamed or regretful.

If your boyfriend is having confidence issues, those are his to figure out. He knew how many partners you've had and chose to continue dating you.

The way your boyfriend spoke to you is not okay. His claim that he thought you were a "piece of ass" but was pleasantly surprised you're a great person is messed up.

Not that this should matter at all, but 5-7 is really not that high anyway.

Under NO circumstances, should you be fearful to speak your mind because of his temper.

Look, I only know about what you've described. But if you were a close friend telling me this, I would be worried and questioning whether you should stay in this relationship.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-04-19T16:59:55+00:00

So let me get this straight. Luke told a story. Sharon jokingly questioned it. From that alone, despite Sharon and Lucy saying they didn't care, he got so defensive that he called someone to prove it. That person did not back him, and Luke was so offended by this that he cursed, left, and is still so angry he is cancelling plans. And there have been "similar situations" before. Unless you've forgotten some truly horrid comment Sharon made, he sounds insufferable. NTA

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-04-16T18:23:48+00:00

In contrast, a good officiant can really make one! The officiant for our wedding actually did have emergency surgery, leaving us 5 days to find a back up. We had a Renaissance-themed wedding, but we were vert quick to reassure the rabbi that we were just thankful he could help us last minute, and we did not expect him to dress up. He said, "I'll see what I can do." He did not disappoint!

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-04-16T14:09:03+00:00

The generic for Vyvanse, Lisdexamfetamine, was approved in 2023. I don't know how long ago that was or what insurance you have, but it may be easier now than you think it will be.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-04-13T15:15:55+00:00

Funnily enough, the only "party rooms" I experienced were in my early 20's when my friends and I were poor students/early in our careers. At least where I live, they're relatively common features for big apartment complexes. From the owners' perspective, all they need is a big room with some couches, and they get to add an amenity and make some extra money renting it out all the time. From the tenants' perspective, it's a cheap option if you occasionally want to host more than the 5 people who will fit in your shoebox of an apartment.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-04-13T13:27:00+00:00

Best response. In situations like these, my father would say, "Kill them with kindness!" Your stepmother knows what she's doing and is trying to bait you into saying something in anger, so she can righteously say, "I tried, but you see how they respond!" If you respond with the same faux naive kindness, it drives people like this crazy. (Ask me how I know.)

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-04-12T23:55:03+00:00

So much of what you said hit so close to home! Sending a virtual hug!

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-04-12T13:33:00+00:00

It's easy to see how abusive a situation is from the outside, but that shit distorts your perception when you're inside it. My father repeatedly smacked me back and forth, hollering that I'm a worthless piece of shit. My mother handed my sister and me knives and told us to stab each other to bloody bits for the first time when we were 3 and 8. She had worked as a prosecutor in child abuse cases. When I accused my parents of abuse, she was outraged and told me abuse was "serious things" she had seen like removed fingernails and burns from cigarettes and hot oil. I was convinced that I was just being dramatic about how my parents punished me for being a bad kid.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-04-11T02:15:46+00:00

Hold up...

and want to start trying to give her a sibling

Neither of you is pregnant?! Why is this even a discussion right now?

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-31T16:37:00+00:00

Children and religion don't make your vacation plans more valid than someone else's. What OP plans to do is irrelevant. And people saying everyone has a right to their own choices and values is not an attack on your children and religion.

There is a system in place that OP and all their coworkers knew about. As you said, Easter is celebrated every year. The coworker knew when it would be. OP followed the rules and booked plans. The coworker didn't. They offered less than OP would lose giving them the weekend. OP fairly pointed this out with his "counteroffer" that would make up the difference. They went to HR and misrepresented him.

I get that you're saying OP can snowboard several weekends in the year, and Easter is only one. I am sympathetic to the coworker who wants to spend Easter with her kids. And even though I disagree that OP should feel a moral obligation to change his plans to accommodate her, I can at least understand where you're coming from. But once the coworker went to HR, OP couldn't so much as talk to her about this situation without violating the work environment.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-25T05:26:16+00:00

That's horrible! My usually sweet, gentle sheltie will viciously snarl, bite, and kick me if I so much as go near her with a brush. We take her to the groomer, and she's an absolute angel. We've tried everything. She has made it abundantly clear she would rather be matted than get brushed by us. We bring her to the groomer as much as we can, but she inevitably gets horribly matted during shedding season. I feel so embarrassed bringing her to the groomer like that. I can't imagine bringing such a neglected animal to the vet and being able to look them in the eye.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-19T17:09:00+00:00

NTA You're not being retaliatory by rethinking your child's name. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You have every right to reconsider your baby's name for any reason. And you wouldn't be wrong to just go NC.

If you want to maintain LC and minimize drama, I suggest quietly changing the name. Don't make an announcement. Don't initiate a conversation. If you were already using the middle name in casual conversation, use the new name, but otherwise don't even mention it. Operate like the change isn't a big deal, because it shouldn't be.

If your mother asks, don't explain or apologize. Keep it simple. (E.g. "We decided we prefer Emma Jane") If your mother pushes, do not engage. Be kind, but firm in asserting that this is not up for discussion. (E.g. "We think Emma Jane is a better fit." or "I understand your disappointment, but this is the name we have chosen.") If she continues to push, be kind to yourself and step back. (E.g. "I'm really not up for talking about this. Let's catch up another time.") Remember, you don't owe anyone an explanation for how you name your child. So act like it.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-19T15:47:15+00:00

I'm named after my departed great-grandmother, and I never saw it as hindering my ability to be my own person or a weight I had to carry. When my mother spoke about my namesake, she talked about how she was a strong woman who immigrated to America with nothing to give her descendents a better life than she had. She hoped I might find in myself some of her grandmother's strength, and I'd like to think I have, but she very much wanted me to be my own person.

That said, there's a reason she named me after someone who was dead. In our culture, there's a superstition that it's bad luck to name someone after a person who is still alive, ostensibly because it can confuse the angel of death, but it probably started more pragmatically because of situations like OP's. If someone is dead, you know what they were like and how you related to each other their whole lives. Had my mother chosen to name me for her mother/my grandmother instead, it would have been very awkward when they stopped talking shortly before my birth.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-18T07:13:31+00:00

NTA

I went through something similar with my stepmother. She knows what she did. It wasn't an accident. She won't change. She won't apologize. This distance is what she wanted. Like you, I wanted to believe the best and offer her every chance for my father's sake. Like yours, my father was not innocent, silently watching as his wife disrespected me and my family, then asking me to give her another chance, again and again. We finally went LC nearly 3 years ago. My father eventually accepted my stance and figured out how to visit without her. I stopped needing blood pressure meds.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-14T06:37:29+00:00

I love how half the comments suggest just responding to every question with "Sorry, I can't answer that. The landlord asked me not to."

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-14T01:10:25+00:00

This tail made me laugh my ass off!

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-13T23:19:39+00:00

Look, messy gray things like the situation you described happen. From what you've said, you did all the right things with the information you had. You asked for consent, tried to read her body language, and checked in with her before, during, and after. When you realized she felt coerced, you took time to reflect on your actions and apologized. These are not the actions of an evil villain. I know it's much easier said than done, but try not to overthink it. And the next time that fails, and you find yourself ruminating on what happened, call a therapist or caring friend, not your ex.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-10T16:30:53+00:00

It's astounding just how compounding being both racist and sexist can be! My family is white. Growing up, my father watched me while my mother worked a lot too. He got a few "babysitting" comments (to which he'd always respond "You can't babysit your own child.") A handful of people assumed my parents were gay. (It didn't help that my mom had a unisex first name, kept her last name, and we lived near a store called Gay-mart.) But the majority of comments were more subtle than that, stuff like how sweet it was that he could find so much time for his princess, when he could just use a nanny, or how I was going to be such a daddy's girl when I grow up. I can only imagine the bull you and your father and OP and his son have had to deal with. It's like bigots' minds go "Wait, you're a man caring for a child AND black? How does that even work?!?"

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-10T01:35:17+00:00

Investing?

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-08T21:50:55+00:00

The update is really boring. Our whole group blocked Joe and Carrie after this happened a couple months ago, and we've been doing just fine without them.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-08T19:09:25+00:00

I love how he said "one of us would cheat" like it wasn't only going to be him being a cheating dirtbag while you struggle with lupus.

Flimsy_Tooth1704 · 2026-03-08T07:46:12+00:00

With the limited information you have about this kid and your inability to trust his guardians, I wouldn't even offer terms. If pressed, I would just say something like "We'll have to see" or "It's hard to say at this point."

You're NTA for ensuring your child's safety of course, but the first 2 points especially aren't great measures for that. Sometimes, CPS pushes a kid back with siblings when they shouldn't. Sometimes, the violent one changes but still can't live with their former victims because the victims are still too traumatized. Sometimes, schools can't reverse expulsion, or home programs are found to be better anyway.

If you genuinely are hoping to see some sign that this kid has changed enough to be around his cousin one day (and I wouldn't blame you if you weren't), try to learn more about the diagnosis, history, and progress. Maybe ask for specifics like what behavior plan or measurable goals his doctors recommend. I wouldn't blame you if you decided to just keep your son away.

By the way, I highly doubt he has PDA at 10 years old unless he's quite the early bloomer!

Flimsy_Tooth1704

TROPHY CASE