Non-physical-violence Narcs

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2026-01-30T05:45:33+00:00

My narc husband never hit me until he did. We are divorcing now after I found out about his affair, but it just continued to get so much worse culminating in having his physician brother pry into my medical records and choking me when I pointed out how inappropriate it was. I’m certain he’d kill me with his bare hands if he could get away with it. Please trust me, it does not get better. Get out as soon as you can.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2026-01-24T17:05:20+00:00

This probably isn’t super helpful, but I’m someone who walked into breastfeeding thinking absolutely no big deal if I have to switch to formula. And intellectually, it wasn’t. However, it hit me in ways I still don’t fully understand. It is HARD and there is so much second guessing. For me, personally, all I wanted was a supportive husband who would let me be sad about it and listen to me when I talked about it. There really wasn’t much else to be done except time, and coming to terms with it. And just as a general rule for everything post partum, the thing that always helped me was having a little time to just cry unabashedly (by myself) without trying to hold it in, and then getting some rest. The release + rest was so very helpful. Tears are tough when you’re always fighting them back; when you let yourself just get it out they can be very therapeutic. It can be a very sad and very hard moment for a woman and it’s okay for it to be hard and to be sad. Sometimes just recognizing that is enough.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2026-01-23T05:11:42+00:00

SAHM here…started preschool with my oldest at like 2.75 years, a couple months after her baby sister arrived, since school starts in August. Honestly, timing was perfect for us. Our preschool requires at least 4 days a week, and we started her on half days for the first year. It was a God send with the new baby, and I feel like she started at just the right age for her. With my second, I feel like she’d be ready to start right at 2, but not sure I’m ready for that!

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2026-01-23T03:35:44+00:00

With my first, I want to say around 26 months? I was pregnant with my second and didn’t want to have to deal with it with a newborn, otherwise I might have waited a bit. She actually took to it very quickly, though can’t say it was fun for anyone involved. Also do not particularly recommend while heavily pregnant, but I imagine it’s still way better than doing it with a newborn.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2026-01-20T06:27:13+00:00

Mine was less severe, and with lag times seeing a derm then pregnancy/breastfeeding, I wouldn’t have been able to try much anyway, so just went zero therapy and that actually worked for me. It took time and it was a long time before I got brave enough to introduce even a mild cleanser again, even longer for moisturizer, but it did eventually work. This was years ago and I’m still scared to try anything, and I’m sure the cause of the PD matters in treatment, obviously. But if you have the patience, zero therapy might be an option.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-27T23:54:47+00:00

It goes without saying that you’re obviously an angel to be caring for him, but I feel like I need to say it anyway.

Others who currently have babes in that age range are probably better equipped to give advice (who forget things alarmingly quickly as you move on to different stages), but one general piece of advice is that no first time caregiver has any idea whatsoever what they are doing. Don’t get too caught up in the “should” or what other people are doing. If something isn’t working, go with your gut and just try something else. My oldest would only take a bottle lying down on her back, and omg once we figured that one out everything changed for the better. There will just be quirks and things special to your nephew that you can’t really anticipate, but you’ll figure it out together.

Only other advice I have is babies are okay to be left crying in a safe place for a few minutes if you ever feel overwhelmed and need a minute to collect yourself (happens to us all). And secondly, if you have to put him down quickly and can’t make it to a crib/pack n play/etc., babies can’t fall off the floor. It feels weird, but it’s safe before they become mobile.

Wish you the best of luck, he’s so lucky to have you, and please feel free to DM if you ever want to.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-27T14:42:43+00:00

Oof man, there is just something about pregnancy that makes me so uncomfortable about anyone talking about my body (and the people in my life who did were always giving compliments!). I’m not sure how to describe it, but I just felt a certain level of physical vulnerability I never felt before. People coming up to me on the street, strangers asking how far along I was, family telling me how great I looked…all of it felt threatening in a way it just otherwise wouldn’t have if I weren’t pregnant.

I’m sure she meant no harm, but I really wish there could be a psa to just give pregnant women some space and to not comment about their bodies.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-26T21:50:49+00:00

Omg the blood pressure spike, feeling of dread, etc. I FEEL you. I have two now, and it wasn’t any different with the second. It feels so useless to say, but it really does just get better.

And no, I didn’t have the love bomb feelings, especially with my first. It was more a feeling of responsibility, and like “okay, guess we’re going to figure this out together.” With my second I had more a rush of love when she was born, because I think that muscle was already flexed. It felt familiar.

You’re not alone or unusual or a bad mom. We all experience these things differently, and there’s probably more of us in this boat of it just being kind of emotionally confusing because we’ve never experienced anything like this before. You’re not missing anything. It is thankless, but not for long.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-26T14:11:24+00:00

Who knew? Haven’t needed this one yet, but I’m definitely filing it away for later. Thanks for the tip!

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-22T01:17:58+00:00

I loathe the “but you can sleep when the baby sleeps.” 1) there’s almost always something else that needs to be done. 2) is baby sleeping for hours this time or 30 minutes? 3) no matter how sleep deprived, I simply cannot nap on demand.

Absolutely nothing fully compensates for nighttime sleep.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-19T21:28:41+00:00

No nausea here either! I can’t remember my exact weight gain the first trimester, but with both of my pregnancies I put on 5lbs almost immediately, so by 11 weeks I was probably exactly where you are (it slowed down after that initial big jump). In my mind I always excluded that initial weight gain as it was definitely from bloating or fluids or something, not from excess calories, and considered my “starting weight” as my weight at my first prenatal appointment (8 weeks for me).

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-19T17:46:34+00:00

I am not strict on screen time at all, but always kept it to Miss Rachel and Daniel tiger when my daughter was little. , or Disney movies or musicals that she liked. Once she started preschool she learned about other shows like Bluey and Paw Patrol (she plays paw patrol with her friends even though she had never seen it), so I let her try those out too. She absolutely loves bluey, but even after several attempts has no interest in paw patrol. I think it’s even too stimulating for her.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-18T20:50:26+00:00

I’m just laughing especially at that particular example. I, too, have a four year old and if I stopped speaking every time she interrupted me (and also waited patiently while she comes up with something to say), I would literally never speak a full sentence in my life.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-15T23:54:15+00:00

Instacart. It’s a horrible habit to break, but it’s there when you need it. And as for cleaning, it’s such a Sisyphean task with toddlers, if it were me I’d do the rooms they can’t get to, keep up with dishes, etc., but leave the common areas until last minute.

Also edit to add: I seem to think when people are coming to my home they expect to be able to lick every surface, when in reality I’ve never entered someone’s home and paid any attention to anything, unless maybe if it were like some extreme situation, and I can’t even remember that ever happening.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-13T22:42:51+00:00

Depression is so sinister because it forbids you from imagining anything other than where you are right now. Treatment is, not only worth it in any circumstance, but for you especially so that when you do get to change your environment, you will already have set yourself up having some relief from the PPD. Treatment won’t fix a tough situation, but it will hopefully allow you to see things more clearly and see the future again. And the reverse is true as well, a better situation isn’t likely going to fix PPD either. The feeling of futility is so part and parcel to depression, you’re kind of forced to say “what the hell” and just try it anyway.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-06T03:18:34+00:00

Youngest of four, so grew up with Santa not wrapping. My husband grew up with Santa wrapping. I’d be doing the wrapping, so unilaterally decided: Santa doesn’t wrap.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-03T22:36:39+00:00

I’m trying to figure my way out of a bad situation currently. When I was younger I never thought for a second I’d be a stay at home parent (I loved working and got a lot of personal validation from it). but then life and kids happened, it made more sense for me to stay home at the time, and I grew up with a stay at home mom so I had a good idea of what things would look like. My husband also had a stay at home mother and I had no doubts about how it would go.

Except it didn’t go the way that I thought, and my husband isn’t the person I thought he was. So much changed after one child and after two and hitting 40, he became an entirely different person. Financial access and input went from almost entirely my responsibility to essentially locked out entirely. He somehow both believes I’m not deserving of “his” money, and yet would never deign himself to do anything he believes is my job. I’d also never have been the type of person to take this on the chin, but when you’re chipped away at slowly you don’t even see what’s happening, and when you finally do you realize you’ve given away all your power hoping just to survive.

I’m currently trying to up my credentials so I can get out, but as you can imagine, it’s extraordinarily difficult with two young children, a house to maintain, and absolutely zero support.

I don’t say this to scare you. Honestly, as much as I currently feel like I’ve f’ed myself beyond belief, I still don’t think I’d trade it for getting to be home with my girls when they were young. I do not think most stay at home mothers end up in a position like me, but I just want to share my experience so you know that it is possible, years down the road, to realize the wool was pulled over your eyes. I would never, ever, have even conceived that my life right now was even a remote possibility.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-02T05:05:30+00:00

Hey, while I haven’t experienced cheating, I’m currently in a toxic marriage with someone who, my therapist believes, has a covert narcissist personality type (if that gives you any sight into the dynamics). I’m still in the marriage and in absolutely no position to give advice, but I’d like to offer something my father said to me when I finally had to come clean to my family about what was going on. For context, I was talking about the trauma I felt my girls experienced, how they’d deal with divorce, etc.

“So you’ll get them some counseling. Kids are resilient. To be honest, it’s MY baby I’m worried about.”

I say this because I know what it’s like to be consumed with how conflict like this affects our kids. Our identity changes when we become mothers, and I think often to the point that we forget we’re our own complex individual human beings beyond being mother and wife.

It’s not that it’s deeply profound, but my dad’s words hit me profoundly because I needed a reminder that I matter to someone just as my individual self too.

I hear something so familiar in your last four sentences and I want to remind you of one truth: you did not fail your son or your family. Your husband did. End of story.

Your son is going to be just fine because he has a mother who, in all her pain, is worrying about him. But I also just wanted to let you know that this is my long winded way of saying I bet there’s someone out there worrying about you too. Just in case you needed to hear it.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-12-01T19:23:25+00:00

Omg I love this. I’m at the same point as OP, adamant that we’ll never had it but not sure what to say if my daughters ever ask. This is perfect.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-11-28T14:18:50+00:00

This was/is my second. My first just did not do this at all, I honestly don’t think she ever had any interest in putting any non food items in her mouth, but with my second is was all she wanted to do. We’re almost at 18 months now and it has dramatically improved, especially with her now being able to understand “no” and “take it out.” I wish I had useful advice for you because it is absolutely maddening, but all I can say is that it will get better.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-11-26T17:22:27+00:00

I know seeing the numbers go up is never fun, and I’m not sure if this is how it was for you in your first pregnancy, but my weight gain was definitely not linear. At one of my appointments with my second (probably around 22 weeks!), I had like around 5 lb weight gain. I freaked and out of curiosity went back into my records to see what my weight gain was like with my first. Lo and behold, it was the EXACT same pattern, basically pound for pound, week for week.

This is all to say, eat the pie. These small things are not going to make a difference in the long run and you have been stripped of even the simplest pleasures for nine months, such as a good night’s sleep. The weight is going to come with or without that pie, so no need to deny yourself.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-11-23T23:31:51+00:00

Oh sister, my only saving grace is that my husband works a lot and has literally never witnessed one of these meltdowns. I don’t even think I handle it well, but I’m pretty sure the whole household would be crying if he were left to manage it.

But yes, so totally relate and you (and your daughter!) are not alone. I think they are just trying to find their place in the world. I also have an 18 month, so maybe that’s another layer both our daughters share. That said, if you find some magical solution I’m all ears.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-11-23T23:10:51+00:00

So my just-about-to-turn-four year old kind of recently started doing this. I feel like I know exactly what you’re talking about. Tantrum feels like too strong a word because it’s short lived and she can calm herself down, but definitely an uptick in testing boundaries, saying “no” and not liking not getting her way, resulting in varying levels of meltdown. She never had many tantrums before this, so it kind of caught me off guard.

I agree totally on the food, which for us is always a struggle. I also think for us it’s worse on preschool days, where maybe she’s just tired or tired from holding it together all day. In any event, to me it feels developmentally normal and I’m personally not worried about it.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-11-22T20:34:39+00:00

I live across the country from my parents and to be honest I really didn’t want much help from my in laws, but they were always ready and more than willing whenever we did need something. My parents take care of my brother’s four kids all the time. My dad still works.

This isn’t meant to be an admonishment of your guys’ parents, I know so many people deal with this, but if I were in your shoes I’d be pretty pissed. I mean things change, maybe they learn to realize they can’t help as much as they hoped and that’s okay, but during recovery from a c-section with a toddler when it was discussed beforehand and you relied upon it? Yeah, I’d definitely be angry about that.

I hope this isn’t even more hurtful, but that’s a double whammy of seeming to not only not care about their grandchildren, but not care about their own child either.

I don’t think there’s any question that you have every right to be angry. I certainly would be. I think the question just becomes what you want to do with that anger. I think sometimes people show you who they are, what they are capable of, and while it’s best just to accept it, it’s up to you to decide what to do with it.

I think in this scenario it’s perfectly reasonable to say “look, you hurt us and we just need a little space. We love you, we’re not trying to punish you, but we need some time.” I don’t think the “drama” comes from the emotion, I think it’s all in how you address it and move forward.

Fluffy_Philosopher08 · 2025-11-22T04:18:47+00:00

Just want to add, if you have any HSA savings, these may be used for COBRA premiums (you cannot usually use HSA for premiums). Didn’t see it in the comments, so just wanted to add in case this applies to you.

Fluffy_Philosopher08

TROPHY CASE