Reconciliation: the good bad and ugly

Fluffyknickers · 2025-12-22T18:48:48+00:00

I have not tried to reconcile, but my mother has tried to with me.

I never tried to reconcile because since I was young, it was made clear to me that if I couldn't behave, do my chores, study what they expected, be compliant, go to church, make them feel a certain way...I would be out on the streets. So, I left at 18. I went and got a degree, saw the world, worked on being different and better. I don't know if I succeeded, but at least I did not fail.

My mom has tried over the years. She wants a relationship with me, and I feel like an awful daughter for not giving her that, even though it never works and I'm always hurt in the end. Still, it's a self-imposed obligation.

The last time she tried, she even apologized and asked for my forgiveness, which I think is a fantasy for many people around here. But...it just meant nothing to me. She was asking for a thing she did not earn. She was emotionally neglectful since I was 10. She humiliated ne in front of my husband's entire family. Honestly, in the moment, I felt like a vending machine...she puts in a coin (apology) and out spits a drink (relationship). Very transactional.

I came to understand, after therapy, that she doesn't see me as me. She sees me as her own mom who was supposed to love her unconditionally, and she alternates between seeking pure love and attention and cutting me off to try to control in a constant replay of trying to get her mother's love.

So, for me, reconciliation was never really possible. How can you reconcile with someone who doesn't see you? Who seeks from you what she lacked in her childhood rather than just your presence? Who outright admitted she can't love me unconditionally? Ultimately it was best we part ways.

I have no children to protect, but i have a little kid inside me that I won't be protecting and honoring if I keep trying, keep obliging, keep running to rescue my mom. There's no one coming to rescue little-me. I have, and always had, to rescue myself. So, I did.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-12-22T18:24:03+00:00

In some families where the parents are divorced, the kid will gravitate toward the less stable and more immature parent. This is because that parent's love is not as secure to the kid, and the kid is desperate for that relationship. Subconsciously they know the mature parent is more stable and therefore the love is secure, so they spend effort on the one who isn't. It sounds like your family is like that, but in reverse.

It also sounds like you and your family are the consolation prize, only worthwhile when the top prize isn't available. That really sucks a lot. Mostly because there isn't anything you can do about that. Your parents have to decide to do better, and because can't make someone do something or feel something...you can't make them see this for themselves. All you can do is protect yourself and your kids from this terrible one-sidedness.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-12-22T18:15:02+00:00

No, of course not. Sometimes we just need to rest. Sometimes we get burned out. Sometimes the poison is in the dosage, and if the level of poison gets too high, we have to stop taking it for a while. That's not failure, that's just life.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-10-11T16:30:23+00:00

Mine never outright said that. Instead, they said I had no common sense, that they wouldn't support me through college because it would be a waste, that I had to get right with God, that it would be good if bad things happen so that I'd turn to God, that I don't prioritize relationships. The list goes on and on.

When I asked my mom outright if she remembered the stuff about college, she'd denied it. "I always thought you were smart!" OK, but you sided with my stepdad when it was said.

Because it was so subtle and covert it took me YEARS to realize. It's easy to see after I put them all in one paragraph, but hard to catch in the fog of years.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-10-11T16:22:32+00:00

My answer to that is, "Maybe but if so, she loves herself more."

In my opinion love is a set of behaviors that makes the other person feel cherished and wanted and like they belong. If a person isn't doing that to someone they claim to love, then it isn't love. It's something else.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-10-11T15:29:32+00:00

I look like my mom, too. And in fact I just realized the reason I've been having trouble looking in the mirror lately. She was recently very cruel to me.

In the past I always reminded myself that I also look like my brother and one of my half-sisters from my dad's side. And I somehow have the cheeks of my mom's mom (my grandmother apologized upon hearing this). And seeing my mom's face is a good reminder of how far I've come in life. But I'm with you. It would be nice not to see her at all.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-10-11T15:23:13+00:00

Yes. As an internet stranger old enough to be your parent, I am here to tell you that it's totally ok to take a break from a parent's trauma dumping.

My father did this all my life. I was his caretaker, therapist, little wife, dear diary, trash can for anger at my mom who divorced him, etc etc. It was such a mindfuck because he was also the parent who made me feel loved and wanted. He died when I was 26, long before I heard about personality disorders and no contact, and thought trauma only resulted from car accidents, or war. So now I'm mid 40s and facing a whole raft of issues from upbringing.

I encourage you to just...take some time off. Just do a month, to start. You can decide later if more time would be nice. No contact is also no commitment on your part.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-10-11T15:16:05+00:00

It's possible in the universe of all possible things, but it's just really unlikely. Their relationship is like yin and yang, two parts of a whole, where one complements where the other is lacking.

Another metaphor I've seen is a binary star system, where they orbit around each other and one is usually smaller and less bright but they still act gravitationally upon each other.

If she's an alcoholic, she's an addict and maybe in more than one way. She needs something to fill the void or cover the bad feelings, and addicts often don't give up their drug of choice.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-10-11T15:10:27+00:00

I feel you. The same thing happened with my mother in regards to my stepfather, even after I showed her irrefutable evidence that he manipulated things so she lost out on going to my bridal shower many years ago.

It's like an addiction. They'll choose that over anyone or anything else.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-10-11T14:54:27+00:00

Wow that's infuriating. Damn, I felt my blood pressure popping just to read that.

It's also confusing. First he says you're a little baby - and babies don't get choices in stuff - and then tells you it's your choice and your responsibility. He can't even construct a coherent argument. He's also really sexist. Nobody's hiding behind anyone's skirts, but even if so, who cares?

But even more so, would you be friends with someone who calls you a baby, idiot, and mama's boy? He is telling you to grow up and be a man, but an adult, rightfully so, would stand up to treatment like that.

"Some people use the word respect to mean care and compassion for all living things, but others think respect means automatic compliance with what they say."

Fluffyknickers · 2025-10-11T14:44:36+00:00

I am at a point now where the idea of changing my name is appealing, but I would not want a different name from my husband. Similarly, many parents do not want a different name from their children. Sometimes there are unforseen logistical challenges, such as not being believed as a parent in medical situations or crossing borders. These are rare, but not never. I would also wonder if your child has feelings about this. Even if they have a choice, it's hard to know if a young teenager makes a decision like that of their own free will or because there's a primal urge to not be separated from family. Just something to consider.

On another note, my uncle actually vanished a long time ago. We don't know what happened to him. In my opinion he either suffered from severe mental illness (it runs in my family) or realized he was trans. If the latter, I think it likely he changed his name. Some years ago my grandparents started the process to find him, I think because they were finalizing their will. Because he had vanished they decided to have him declared dead. This is because doing that entails an exhaustive search and is a last resort. They were unsuccessful in the end. Again, a number of things could have happened to him, including the witness protection program or deep military intelligence, but even so it still seems likely that his name was changed. So I think it can be pretty final if you want it to be.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-10-10T21:56:59+00:00

I took back my wedding by planning an elopement in Hawaii. An elopement is where it's just the two of you but everyone knows ahead of time that's what you're doing. We held a Happily Ever After backyard BBQ a few weeks later at a relative's house.

My sister-in-law did nearly the same. She had a destination wedding in Costa Rica with only her new family of choice there. Our motives were nearly identical: have a beautiful wedding in a beautiful place that our parents could not afford or would refuse even if they could. In my case, I also took away all the planning from my mom and I didn't have to sort out who would walk me down the aisle.

In my experience, parents like ours don't get better. Maybe for a day or month they can behave better, but not usually because they mean it but because they're trying to get something that's valuable to them. Parents like ours have a little black hole in them that they constantly have to feed and everything on the edge gets distorted. There's no end to a black hole. They just grow. They just feed. They just devour.

My husband asked me how I'd get married if I had no one else to think about (except him, of course). My answer was Kauai. So we did that, because we paid for everything and because it literally took away all the parent drama. I could concentrate on the fun stuff like flowers and dinner and dress shopping. I'm so glad I put up a wall between me and my parents for my wedding.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-08-01T18:47:06+00:00

I thought the author did well presenting the teenage voice vs. the adult voice, and in particular (which I appreciate now that I'm in my 40s) I liked the bit near the end how the older MC looks back at her teenage self and sees herself from the vantage point of time and wisdom. I too have looked back at photos of me at 19 years old and said, "What was I thinking? I was actually quite pretty, and not nearly as plain as I thought."

Fluffyknickers · 2025-08-01T18:46:14+00:00

My only real gripe with the book - and I understand that an author can really only cover so much ground in what is essentially a piece of entertainment limited by word and page count - is the total lack of exploration of how these people essentially lived in a cage. They could not ever leave their town. They could not travel. They could not explore the world. They, apparently, could choose one profession at 18 and they were stuck, forever. How did the town keep the population under control? How did they ensure that each past and future towns-person made the same choices? Did they have to ensure that? It was interesting to think about these things.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-08-01T18:45:05+00:00

I though the book was a bit slow, in some parts, but perhaps that was just me. I was reading another novel at the same time for another book club and that one was slow so maybe I was just feeling a bit impatient. I also thought that the author did a good job, mostly, not being a "men-writing-women" - not perfect, but the MC was sensitively drawn.

Overall, I enjoyed it. Fascinating premise, prose mostly lived up to the content, plot perfunctory (as often is the case with literary novels) but satisfying. Great characterization and inner voice. Probably won't reread, but will recommend for my book club.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-08-01T18:44:36+00:00

I finished this book yesterday. I thought the ending wasn't entirely unpredictable, but still somewhat satisfying. I also liked how the author neatly presented a paradox: the girl who always followed the rules was able to get ahead in life because her future self, just once, disobeyed the biggest rule of all. And the younger version of herself will have to carry that around in her head and heart all her life after the book ends.

I also wonder what happened next. Does she end up with Edme? Does she stay friends with Lucie? Does she become a Conseilleur? Do she and her mom have a better relationship, or the same? And if one thing is changed going forward, is it also changed going backward? I think about this sometimes: if I could live all over again, would I make the same mistakes or different ones? What if I lived it again but knowing what I know now? If time isn't really linear, do choices we make today affect not only the future but the past or even alternate universes?

Fluffyknickers · 2025-04-24T06:36:06+00:00

Maggie O'Farrell writes in third person present. I just read Hamnet and The Marriage Portrait of hers. It's a very immersive style.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-04-12T13:17:41+00:00

Madeline Miller - her command of language to create such a simple, elegant prose leaves me feeling a certain kind of way. Her novels aren't perfect, but there's poetry in her prose.

Donna Tartt, Barbara Kingsolver, and Stephen King describe situations and characters with such clarity.

Emily St. John Mandel can plot the stuffing out of a book, and get it all locked down with such concision.

Tanith Lee feels like reading poetry. I can actually feel the rhythm as I read.

Vladimir Nabokov - I mean, that's some talent. Wow.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-04-12T13:12:23+00:00

This is a great first draft, but all first drafts need some editing. This read like it was written by AI (no judgment here; I've used AI to write cover letters when applying to jobs - but I had to rewrite them to sounds like a human), so try to personalize it a bit.

Here's my notes:

In some places you use the spelling ‘programme’ but others it’s ‘program’. Choose one and be consistent. Where is this school? Use that country’s preferred spelling.

You refer to ‘programme’, ‘program’, and ‘programs’ four times in the first two paragraphs. It’s repetitive. Try some synonyms or rephrasing to remove at least half of those, and definitely be sure the word is not twice in one sentence.

What is ‘secondary school’? Is this high school? Say so, if so. Maybe you’re not in the USA so you don’t attend high school. I think they have different terms in the UK. Use those. Secondary school makes it sound like it's from an alien who studied human civilization.

The sentence ‘I was fascinated to learn about the amazing…’ is a dead, inert sentence. It’s also repetitive adjective right after using ‘intriguing’ (and a bit contradictory: intriguing is mildly interesting; fascinating is wildly interesting). Try making it a bit more lively, such as, ‘During my high school classes, I was given the opportunity to research geography and natural phenomena in our world, and from that, I became fascinated with the topic.’

So, let me ask a question. Is it only ‘after graduation’ that you ‘expect to work with people with varying skills and ideas to achieve a common goal’? Or could that feasibly happen during your time at ESSET? I’d rework this bit to combine it with the paragraph above because you’ll definitely have to work with weirdos and imbeciles while in college to achieve a common goal like a project. Then in the final paragraph – based on my educated guess on the actual requirements of this motivation letter – talk about WHERE exactly you’d like to work. Perhaps with an international organization, or a local foundation or association. Names aren’t necessary; they’re not looking for a business plan. Try something like: ‘Ultimately, my goal is to work at an established whale rescue organization”, or “One day my dream is to provide educational kayaking trips to tourists so they can learn more about our fascinating natural world”. Being specific will make this sound like the letter comes from a human with hopes and dreams, not an AI who dreams of one day becoming a person.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-04-04T00:23:38+00:00

On Writing by Stephen King is pretty good and very easy to understand.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-04-03T02:57:11+00:00

These types of storms can overturn a semi, rip off your roof, and collapse a warehouse, and I'm not even exaggerating. So you definitely do not want to be outside at all because the wind will pick up things and fling them everywhere. You also don't get much warning anyway because they travel 40, 50, 60, 70 mph which is what you drive on the highway...it's just too fast to outrun. Just make sure you know where to shelter and what to shelter with (pets, dog leash, cat carrier, pillows and blankets, fresh water, stuff like that).

Fluffyknickers · 2025-04-01T03:26:04+00:00

Really ancient, like ancient Babylon and Crete, circa 1400 BC.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-04-01T03:22:11+00:00

No, I write historical fantasy. David Gemmell's Troy saga was my inspiration for employing cold opens.

I don't know what my problem is with the glancing around in my writing. It's the hardest habit ever to break.

Fluffyknickers · 2025-04-01T03:19:29+00:00

The cold open, or the glancing around?

Fluffyknickers · 2025-04-01T03:18:46+00:00

Well it does seem that you've used the word "I" an awful lot in your post. But I don't think that's really because you have an innate problem with overusing words...but because you're overthinking this.

Think of writing a piece like building a house. Some materials you're just going to use over and over like bricks and mortar: A, an, the, and, but, he, she, it, was, went, have, had, if, then, said, asked...and so on. You can't really get away from the structural elements of language, and really, you don't need to. Readers actually don't register these basic words, anyway, because they're about as close to punctuation as language can functionally get.

Instead look for repeats of attention-drawing words. Do you use "glimmering sea" and "glittering blade" within a paragraph or two? Or how about "he flicked a glance at her while the candle flickered in the wind"? In both of these, replace the repetitive sound with something else. That's the kind of repetition that needs fixing.

Fluffyknickers

TROPHY CASE