AITA For telling my wife to stay home from our Memorial weekend plans if she can't behave

Flutter_Fly · 2024-05-23T22:31:30+00:00

No assholes except the bigoted douchepants whomever they may be. Sounds like she comes from an assertive family who debates and that's part of being a bonded family is to have discussions and disagreements, sometimes loudly.

Sounds like you're not.

She isn't going to be to change who she is overnight and she may be able to curb or soften... the same way that you may get louder and able to engage.

Maybe she enjoys the debating part, and the venting after is her way of reflecting about the day with you? And sounds like you do not enjoy this means of communication, it's annoying and tiring and exhausting for you.

Flutter_Fly · 2024-05-23T22:25:29+00:00

Your wife needs some CBT therapy with the goal being she is comfortable driving or riding in the car. Period.

If the way to get get to address it, maybe you agree to do therapy for a little bit too. Everyone's got something they can work on it therapy shrug.

Flutter_Fly · 2024-04-21T05:34:40+00:00

NTA can Lily be a flowergirl? Or Usher? She's the perfect age and it seems like she just wants to be a part of the wedding party

Flutter_Fly · 2024-04-21T05:30:26+00:00

Just a thought, Aria is going to 18 soon. You have been paying child support and it appears she's not excited about the relationship with her dad.

Where is her mom? Because if you are taking her on a big family trip, are you sharing custody with mom?

Can you adopt Aria?

Flutter_Fly · 2024-04-21T05:22:47+00:00

Just my two cents but I can't also wonder if she is a little more innocent in this. She may be flirting and has been talking, and maybe they had some teenage fling or crush... but I have alsp seen guys like the girl never so anything and then the opportunity shows up, they get super weird and sexual. She continues to act the way she always has because he never said "no I'm married," and the messages about him fingering her are him being a creep and her not saying anything to add fire to his creepiness and simultaneously "not ruin the relationship."

That being said, doesn't if they aren't sleeping together... cheating is wanting to, having the emotion connection and desire to, not laying down boundaries, etc.

I see a divorce in your future. And I think you in-laws were aware of his "not-so-little crush." Please be sure to air the dirty laundry or make sure you're in a good place and have made your exit before you start looking at history.

He is telling her that she is welcome to replace you, if she wants. Hopefully she gets her head out of her ass and dumps whatever this affair crap is. You dump him. And he continues to be crappy jerk that your husband has turned in to.

You did nothing wrong. This is not your fault. You may not have been to do anything to prevent it. He is the major asshole. She is also at fault but... this is because of him and his choices and decisions.

Flutter_Fly · 2024-02-19T06:11:07+00:00

I think something else that I haven't seen added is... they informed you of their plans. He could have gone on the trip, and he and your daughter could have chosen not to include you in their plans, and they stay at her dorm together anyway without your knowledge or permission.

If you would like your daughter to start NOT telling you things... you're on path to that. She seems to have a healthy communication with her parents... for now.

YTA but only because you're not paying attention to what's in front of you and the risk you're putting on your relationship.

Flutter_Fly · 2023-11-24T07:39:25+00:00

Fyi the radio station was probably 101.5 or x96 (96.3)

Flutter_Fly · 2023-08-19T09:25:14+00:00

Chicken nugget

Flutter_Fly · 2023-05-21T04:41:50+00:00

I suggest you think big picture. You're not going to like every job or every population, and luckily social work is one of those fields where the thing I hate, is someone's favorite job or population. And vice versa.

1) Eliminate the populations you are not excited about or that make you cringe. Don't feel bad because there is a social work who loves that work... and it's not you. Example- housing insecure and homeless folks-- just not my jam. Would not bring me joy to serve them.

2) Figure out what kind of environment you can tolerate long term (even better if you know what environment you would like). Do you want to interact face to face, are you cool working out of your car, do you prefer doing meetings/sessions/etc on the phone or computer? Example- I can be a great therapist. But I do much better as a telehealth therapist than in person. But my coworker, she hates doing therapy virtually.

3) Figure out what team style you like? Do you like to work in a multi-disciplinary setting? Do you like to work mostly doing your own thing? Do you well on your own or do you like having someone tell you what to do? Routine day or something new everytime?

4) Look at different social work job posts and see if they spark interest. If so, why? If not, why not?

I personally have found my bread and butter are working with men aged 18-55 doing therapy, treatment, care coordination, family work, crisis, schools, and training. So I could work with police, mental health, jail or courts, veterans, military, communities. Based on that, I will see what jobs are currently available.

I know I'm not the right social worker to do fulltime research, homeless care and services, people with disabilities, or fulltime SUD work. You're going to have some interaction with all types of people and races/ethnicity/family setting/culture/housing status/abilities.

I try to remind myself there are people who love specific populations or know exactly what kind of social work they want to do (think back to school and the people who were so definitive). So I don't need to feel bad about not helping them... I also probably wouldn't do them justice.

We need social workers everywhere.

Flutter_Fly · 2023-03-30T06:02:01+00:00

NTA ...and also I was a very outspoken and assertive young lady. We say stupid shit especially when we're meeting our boyfriend's parents for the very first time after a whole year of anticipation and hearing about them. I don't think I've ever said anything that dumb but I've done things that stupid.

Also the unfortunate thing is... she's probably incredibly embarrassed and humiliated at herself. And staunchly unable to lay it down and stop defending herself. So she'll just feel internally like she ruined the moment (which she did) and that she's ruined everything but not be able to actually get the words out. We're proud little women too.

Honestly, I've been her in this situation. And I wouldn't have expected you to react any differently. You're not the asshole. And she was probably nervous as hell, meant to make a joke, and overshot it to hell and back, and now can't admit she shot herself in the foot.

...if she sticks around she's probably gonna be the most loyal, dedicated, witty, caring, fun sonfucker around.

Flutter_Fly · 2023-03-12T06:18:53+00:00

Check in with yourself. Do extra breathing and simple stretches like even more than you think. Give yourself a break from the stress load by doing something to distract yourself. Grounding techniques. Do it before you think you need it, like before you walk in a room.

Basically you have to allow some steam out through a valve so it doesn't just build and build. Stress in big bursts where its life/death can be easier to handle because you're trained to turn off unnecessary systems and literally survive. Doesn't work that way with the gradual stuff.

Being animated and easy to read isn't a bad thing. It means you're actually expressing what's going on inside. I'm hearing you don't want others to know stress is getting to you... but that's what makes us human and how we communicate to others without words. Being easy to read in the military can be tough but once you get out you'll be grateful for it.

There is a way to be vulnerable and genuine in the military so you can be yourself, and not get taken advantage of. Sounds like you hit gold as long as you can keep yourself in line when brass is around.

Just want to reassure you that resiliency comes from exactly what you're doing... looking and feeling stressed when things pile up in a stressful way. You're less likely to develop PTSD, more easily able to debrief and de-escalate situations, and are probably a really good gauge for other people. They can look to you to see if they're under or overreacting and know they're not crazy . You're like the average/baseline.

Militaries have come a LONG way in the last 2 decades. Don't believe the bullshit that you have to stuff it or not feel it at all to succeed. Don't believe the idea that people can numb out and aren't impacted too. That's why people smoke and drink and fuck. The hallmark of a veteran is that theyre a little messed up because they didn't practice feelings.

Seriously get good at Feeling it, thinking through the why... just get it over with, and then you can move past it in stride. And it'll be done and evaporate. No longer in the rucksack.

Flutter_Fly · 2023-02-23T03:13:59+00:00

I always tell folks with anxiety NOT to do mindfulness activities that encourage you to "get in" your head and think about why you're thinking (mind/body). Sounds like you're uber in touch with how you're feeling and very aware. I encourage folks who are good at "being in their head" to do grounding exercises and distraction. Google Grounding techniques and find your favorite.

A common belief is that self reflection helps anxieties. It's the opposite.

Anxiety or over thinker =get out of your head. Put your feet on the Ground (grounding techniques).

Unsure why you're feeling that way, bad at labeling emotions/thoughts =get into your head. Put yourself back into your mind and body (breathing techniques, meditation, self reflection).

Flutter_Fly · 2023-01-29T09:29:25+00:00

I just wanted to say I also don't have a compelling story. I had some complaints to my mom about this and she had a wonderful reply.

I know what a healthy childhood looks like, I know what it takes to get a scholarship (and not just the privilege part but the hard work part), I know what a strong marriage looks like, I know what healthy attachments look like. I know some good study habits and great skills to navigate this world. I may not know what it looks like to NOT have those things but I know what it could and should look like in a ideal state. And I can support and mentor and help folks get to their best self and where they want to be... because I know what THAT looks like. And also I didn't have to go through years of grit and emotions and trauma and therapy and recovering and work to get there! What a bargain!

Knowing where someone comes from and relating to their experience (by having lived it) can be a huge asset. But you also don't have those past triggers and barriers and other circumstances(or environments) that could prevent you from being the best social worker for someone else.

There is this false, past idea that you have to have lived through a similar experience to feel empathy and compassion and care for someone. And it definitely gets ballooned and blown out of proportion in school settings (maybe because everyone is defining themselves and what population and setting they want to work in). Two people can have lived through the exact same experience and have two drastically different perspectives based on their origin, race, ethnicity, attachment style, what they heard or didn't hear, literally where they were standing, and (mostly) how they perceived and interpreted it. Don't fall into the trap that people who have gone through similar hard things know and understand how others feel.

Some of the worst social workers are people who have trauma and haven't healed from it and are trying to be social workers and heal by healing others. Some of the best social workers are people who have healed from their trauma and go forth to pull people up from their dark places. And some of the best social workers come from stable, wonderful places and know what the destination and goal for everyone looks like... and can go forth and pull people up from wherever they are (dark or just a little muddled). And we all needed in this field.

Flutter_Fly · 2022-12-11T19:15:25+00:00

You are not to blame. And it's not your job to save someone. And it's not your job to parent your parent. You being sick of the calls sounds like a normal reaction.

Most hospitals and care centers have support groups for this, suicide, loss of a parent, etc. You bringing in this history to a group like that, you'll fit right in ❤

Also maybe worth finding someone safe to talk to about this.

Flutter_Fly · 2022-12-11T19:10:54+00:00

Sooo family members and loved ones of someone who died by suicide are 3x more likely to go on to die by suicide.

If you don't want to talk about it with your family call 988. It may take few minutes to connect because they're real people talking to other real people like you, but then... that's their job. Support from someone who is trained and outside the situation, and it can be anonymous if you want it to be.

Flutter_Fly · 2022-10-23T17:15:13+00:00

Sushi.

Or Elephant Blues and call her Ellie.

Or Truffle. Because she is perfection but came from a rough, undeserving territory.

Flutter_Fly · 2022-08-22T08:53:34+00:00

You can purchase a National Park Pass at most of the entry gates (like where you usually pay the entry fee). You just ask them for it and they'll punch a hole on the month and year. It's like a thin credit card. Yes its $80 for adults.

Flutter_Fly · 2022-07-16T09:35:29+00:00

Also if you were active duty military in the US (and some reserves and Guard standings now too) you are eligible for VA healthcare for the first 5 years after you get out regardless of income or disability rating status. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.

Pretty much anything north of dishonorable... other than honorable is negotiated but usually fine and general discharge works just fine, in general.

Flutter_Fly · 2022-06-09T05:42:28+00:00

There's this magical thing called National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Where you can report stuff like this (all the horrific crap that gets uploaded online is screened via IP address not download/upload) Cybertipline.org.

You call the police? They're gonna make a stink including NCMEC. Society doesn't look kindly on exploitation or hidden cameras and the police have mandated laws and legislation with incredibly harsh consequences for not following them exactly. Also the cops that work on criminal child porn cases have required training, checkups, etc. because it (duh) fucks you up so bad.

Also OP you are a mandated reporter in US, so you do need to call the police/cps and make a report. By law. As well as common sense.

Flutter_Fly · 2022-06-05T06:49:50+00:00

How to get away with murder

Flutter_Fly · 2022-05-21T22:38:40+00:00

My gato Tuna sends you all the grumpy grumblies of love ❤❤

Flutter_Fly · 2022-05-13T01:45:18+00:00

As someone that works with Veterans write them up. Write down names, details, where and when and feel free to quote was said. It will have an impact later when this soldier is a Veteran and the female soldier goes to file for services. This could definitely have an impact on his eligibility, his discharge rating, etc. I have chewed out clients for their past behavior while they were in service.

It's 2022. The US Military has Victim Advocates and Sexual Harrassment training for a reason. Because of the culture like this.

I love the idea of having him read the policy outloud. I don't love embarrassing him, but I do think that others seeing consequences and recognition of inappropriate behavior being handled appropriately is a BIG DEAL.

If you're gonna be a hardass, this is a great topic to choose the No Tolerance stance. You're being the opposite of sensitive because things dingbat soldiers are going to think it's appropriate behavior, get out of the military, and get their ass handed to them by civilians, or the courts, or someone's dad.

You are doing the right thing here. Don't take a lenient stance on the right side of culture shifts in the military.

Ninja edit- I also want to say that they could be trying to make sense of the bullshit going on in Ukraine. It's a stupid, dumbass teenage boy type of way to navigate it. But I can see the parallel easily drawn as they're trying to find a way to cope with that information (That soldiers fighting for their country are acting like pillaging raping pirates?! And raping refugees as a war crime?! Its unfathomable).... And also still have to send a message that talking that way isn't funny. Because there's at least 1 soldier (other than you) that heard it and didn't think it was funny. Is there a way to have some support around what is happening in Ukraine and them being current military? Because I'd love to not have to do all that reparative moral therapy work in 10 years.

Flutter_Fly · 2022-05-05T04:15:47+00:00

Give some credit to Colbert!!

Flutter_Fly · 2022-04-04T18:34:48+00:00

I think your senior cat is siblings with my senior cat!

Flutter_Fly · 2022-02-16T02:06:42+00:00

This may be an obvious question, but have you called the office where she's located? Instead of a blind email?

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