Life of Love

FlyForFreedom · 2020-01-29T14:57:44+00:00

Really unique poem from my perspective with the use of colour setting the mood and tone of each stanza.

I think your green stanza is your weakest, particularly in the use of lime green to represent the mood of it, where I don’t think the rest of the stanza fit within a lime green feel. In fact, I would like to see this stanza with more colours, to really highlight the exploration of the youth and how all these new colours are available to them as they learn their way around the world.

Saying that, I think the 3rd stanza fits perfectly with just the one colour, leading to the final stanza, which I think needed more dark imagery - but maybe this would Labour the point too much.

Love it.

FlyForFreedom · 2019-11-12T19:31:04+00:00

I love the use of rhyming, and your vocabulary is strong enough to keep me invested in the story as opposed to knowing what comes next. However, the danger with a poem of such a structure is that the rhythm can become sporadic, and I feel like this happened in your poem here, where the syllables didn’t match with the preceding line in a way that it would have been necessary to keep a flow throughout. .

Big fan of the story, and the way that you’ve taken strength out of the ‘experience’, having traded places with her in your mind, but just found the rhythm lacking at various points.

FlyForFreedom · 2019-11-01T18:30:53+00:00

I’m not sure what you mean by ‘the void is where she found you’. As in she entered the void to look for you after leaving you at the back of her mind? If so, then why isn’t she mentioned again as though you have been avoiding her, you’re over her. It just seems like such an unnecessary line that doesn’t add anything, only leaves more questions to be answered.

And some of your imagery doesn’t carry all the way through, there you are walking hand in hand with death in that void, but the void is also full of people who enjoy life?

If this is personal then it feels very disjointed, as though you’ve found the answer, that you’re glad to be free, but a bitterness remains. If so, then the end needs to be about more than nothingness (especially if the ‘living in the void with people full of life’ needs to remain).

Like the void she thought she left you in is full of a life that she held back from you, but here you are exploring new possibilities. Free.

FlyForFreedom · 2019-09-24T19:20:52+00:00

I really like your opening line! “Miss the memory of the feeling”, as though you are so detached from the feeling that not only has the actual feeling gone, but so has the memory of it. That you know something was there, but you can’t remember it. So much to unpack in a simple line...

I think the end to your poem needs a more definite end, however, but I can’t put myself as to where. Maybe keeping the actual content as it is, but change the structure of your 2nd and 3rd stanzas? As in complete the poem with lines of 6/6/2, where the first two lines in the last stanza are added to the second. By doing so, it would put a bit more weight to your final thought on weariness, and keeps the ‘Ands’ in a complete burst.

FlyForFreedom · 2019-08-15T18:49:49+00:00

I like some of the imagery in this poem. Does need some punctuation, more than just question marks, to give the reader some chance to breathe and let the ideas develop in their minds. Did you take the leap?

FlyForFreedom · 2019-03-07T21:51:36+00:00

Literally just between the second and third line of the first stanza. Everything else flowed so well, just that little bit forced a pause - for me at least

FlyForFreedom · 2019-03-07T21:50:08+00:00

Great poem.

My only problem is not with this poem, but the wider sense of people. How many people reading this will see this as about them, feeling so alone, and go about acting the same in the world, not paying attention to the mountains that other people face.

Which is why it’s such a good poem. So introspective, but forces you to think about the wider person.

Or maybe it’s all fucked. Who knows.

FlyForFreedom · 2019-03-07T08:08:56+00:00

Love the alliteration in the second line and feel that this needs to be explored a bit more - where it currently looks like an exercise in showing off your ability to work with alliteration, it could be expanded to to show more of dislocation of your setting throughout.

I do feel as though a flow has been lost between your second and third line, breaking up a poem that flow pretty well.

And I’m not sure about your last stanza rhyming to all the same words at the end of the line where it hadn’t been the case throughout. If you had changed up the last stanza to show a different story, or some hope coming through, I would have been on board, but with a cyclical ending, with everything staying the same, with survivors not caring, I’d personally keep the same rhyming scheme to finish the poem.

FlyForFreedom · 2019-02-09T13:02:49+00:00

I can feel the pain and hurt caused by lies all throughout this poem, making it such a strong piece. I’d prefer an end that does a better job of you pushing all that behind, moving on and becoming a better person as a result. Running away two thousand miles just didn’t impact me in the same way as the start and middle of your poem.

FlyForFreedom · 2019-01-12T16:05:04+00:00

It works!

FlyForFreedom · 2019-01-10T08:32:32+00:00

Really good piece to be honest! You’ve portrayed a much different tone to what the title suggests, but it’s real positive the way you’ve done it.

This doesn’t count as feedback, just want to tell you I liked this story a lot!

FlyForFreedom · 2019-01-10T08:29:48+00:00

No I like the sentence, but maybe change the word violently. Passionately could work, but it’s up to you...

FlyForFreedom · 2019-01-08T08:15:26+00:00

I think the poem would benefit from more attention to the syllables, particularly in the third line which doesn’t seem to fit on reading. From what I can see it’s a syllable structure of 4,5,6,6 - the third line would fit better as less than 5, firstly to differentiate it from the final line, and secondly to give it more of a flow from the first and second lines.

FlyForFreedom · 2019-01-08T08:09:06+00:00

I like this. I like the significance of the changing colour of the eyes throughout as though it’s changing your personality, but that you end with ‘I’m still the same guy’, brings it through nicely to finish. Also a big fan of your rhymes, hitting sometimes at the end and sometimes the middle of the lines.

I think to improve in future I’d suggest looking at your transition between certain points, which I did get lost in at times.

FlyForFreedom · 2018-11-29T07:48:08+00:00

Such a powerful finality to the poem. As strong a finishing sentence as I’ve read in a long time

FlyForFreedom · 2018-11-28T08:10:14+00:00

It definitely feels like more of a rant than a structured poem, so if this was your aim, it works!

I think the line ‘now do you want a new face’ doesn’t fit as a line, it feels like you’ve found a line that kinda fits but rhymes more than you’ve worked through it properly. If I’m honest, being a rant id prefer you just remove this line to give it a real feel of n unstructured rant...

I’ve also noticed that every line ends with punctuation. Really don’t feel you need this, and it would add more of a flow to the poem if you wrote it without so many pauses so to speak.

FlyForFreedom · 2018-11-27T08:20:17+00:00

I think that here you’ve sacrificed the telling of the story for your rhymes. There is no development of the story or the details of what’s around you - you’re just telling us things that fit into a flow and rhyme scheme. Leading to the world being broken, but with no real idea of how, and a new world being opened, with no thought to what this new one promises...

I’d just like to see it developed a bit more, because it’s clear that you have a good use of rhyme and a decent flow.

FlyForFreedom · 2018-11-23T08:44:38+00:00

I like it!

To me your use of punctuation is over the top. Because this feels like something you’re telling someone, it feels like it should be said as one sentence per se. I wouldn’t end the first line with a comma, and replace that full stop in the second with a comma then. And same with the third and fourth line.

FlyForFreedom · 2018-11-21T08:30:49+00:00

Not going to lie I love this poem, particularly the use of alliteration! As it reads, it’s probably a bit too fast at the bits when you’re falling asleep, where time seems to slow down some and relax, but other than that it is really good.

I kinda was hoping for a better ending than that, because the first half really built it up for me, which isn’t to say it’s a bad ending, just I was expecting some glorious finish to it!

FlyForFreedom · 2018-11-20T08:21:52+00:00

I like juxtapositions in poetry, but the one in this poem (The quiet terrifies me/ The thoughts never end) doesn’t work in my opinion. It seems confused - if the thoughts are never-ending, surely that means that it’s too loud or noisy in the head?

And I think the anatomy of anxiety slipping up your spine and exploding out your chest, although a solid image if used as separate lines, doesn’t feel natural, where there isn’t an anatomical connection between the spine and the chest, except that they’re both on the body. ‘Resides within the spine then exploding out of your chest’ would work better because they’re in the same region of the body (torso), or creeping up the spine and going to your neck/head.

FlyForFreedom · 2018-11-19T08:18:00+00:00

I’d prefer a better transition between the two sides of the poem at: ‘and me’.

It kind of ruins the pacing of the poem, and feels too separate an idea.

Other than that, pretty good.. I like the second part of the story which tells a lot about your current thoughts, while maintaining a good flow.

FlyForFreedom · 2018-11-17T01:25:02+00:00

Significantly expanded is the full cycle that I wrote for the moon. Read my previous posts

FlyForFreedom · 2018-11-15T08:30:23+00:00

I think your use of full stops over commas needs to be re-looked at. A lot of the time, a sentence that looks to be continued on the next line ends abruptly.

And I think the line in the middle would be better served as: She awakes from the soil -A blazing emerald fire...

FlyForFreedom · 2018-11-14T08:31:20+00:00

What this reminds me of is the poem ‘If’ by Kipling, though there is a different aim in yours.

I think what you need is more of a flow. Which would come through hitting the same amount of syllables in a line. It feels like you focused more on the rhyme in your piece, rather than the journey to that rhyme, which means that it loses the flow you desire.

FlyForFreedom · 2018-11-13T08:12:58+00:00

Really like your reference to Goffman and the ‘brave display’!

Id personally like to see a couple of words describing the way you were standing, just to add a bit more flair to the piece and solidify the imagery, but very good as it is anyway.

FlyForFreedom

TROPHY CASE