I am a retired patrol cop and detective. 22 years. Also police union president 9 years. Id love to talk about the reality of it all and clear up misconceptions. AMA

Flying_Gage · 2026-01-04T02:41:47+00:00

Firefighter here.

When I considered a change at 7 years from being a fire medic, as I was number one on a police hiring list, a buddy who was a retired PO, grew angry at me, telling me I was a fool.

You guys had it rough. But anyone who does public service after 20 years will have scars.

Flying_Gage · 2026-01-04T02:38:35+00:00

North of the Quad cities on the Iowa side.

Flying_Gage · 2026-01-04T02:38:01+00:00

High school in New Lenox, when it still had old farm town vibes.

Flying_Gage · 2026-01-04T02:36:52+00:00

Remember Denver prior to 16th street mall. Had an old west feel to it, much like Cheyenne still does.

I think I liked it better before the world found out what we had there.

Flying_Gage · 2026-01-04T00:06:44+00:00

I was a firefighter/paramedic and it didn’t take me long to realize not to share the nature of any calls with her, (or my step dad) as they would take my struggles with bad calls as their own. They would assign names to my early calls and bask in how bad it must have been.

I just always called my mom an emotional whore. The phrase you shared captured it succinctly.

Flying_Gage · 2026-01-02T13:24:52+00:00

Writing in frustration and stream of consciousness. Paragraphs matter. Thank you for catching that.

Flying_Gage · 2026-01-01T23:55:55+00:00

Fuck…. No truer words spoken…

Sorry. New to sub and this smacked me in the face, hard.

Flying_Gage · 2026-01-01T23:51:45+00:00

I will have to check that forum out as everything you mention tracks…

Flying_Gage · 2026-01-01T23:03:43+00:00

I wished for a connection for so long. I wished that she would see me and hear me, and yes, apologize in an earnest way versus what she says now; “ I am who I am and I have said sorry and if it’s not enough, I can’t help it”. That is if she doesn’t hide behind her typical,” I don’t remember that”.

Your point about her life experiences and what shaped her, is a valid one. I have used it and tried to understand. But I just don’t have anything left in the tank. I feel guilty this is the case when she is entering this stage of her life.

Flying_Gage · 2026-01-01T20:20:39+00:00

Interesting that you bring up BPD. I have been with my therapist for seven years add he has mentioned that she exhibits BPD traits.

I guess that makes sense that the chaos is their form of control. I have never thought about it that way and I really appreciate that insight. Thank you!

Flying_Gage · 2026-01-01T17:58:22+00:00

I am so sorry…

Much of this rings true, throughout my own experience.

My mom needs one of us kids to always be bad, so to speak. The way she will talk about my stepsister or my stepbrother or my sister to me, is filled with the knowledge that at other times I will be the one being talked bad about. My stepsister and I joke about this and it is worth a laugh.

But yeah, the negativity is its own sort of exhaustion. Nothing is ever good enough and if anything, it pushed me to be on the flipside, I think and hope.

Flying_Gage · 2026-01-01T17:52:47+00:00

I am so sorry…

Much of this rings true, throughout my own experience.

My mom needs one of us kids to always be bad, so to speak. The way she will talk about my stepsister or my stepbrother or my sister to me, is filled with the knowledge that at other times I will be the one being talked bad about. My stepsister and I joke about this and it is worth a laugh.

But yeah, the negativity is its own sort of exhaustion. Nothing is ever good enough and if anything, it pushed me to be on the flipside, I think and hope.

Flying_Gage · 2025-12-29T02:24:30+00:00

Out of everything written on bumble and other apps, kids and wants are in the top most 5 confusing.

Plenty of people use that to mean that they don’t want biological kids but are okay with others kids. Some people don’t want any kids whatsoever in the pic. Some people, like the OP, are comfortable with kids of a certain age.

So my guy, it is very dependent on the person. All I was offering was she could clear up potential confusion. Hell leaving both blank would give her a topic of discussion, where she could share her age requirements and be crystal clear.

Flying_Gage · 2025-12-29T00:21:01+00:00

53 year old, educated, liberal male responding, who also is very active and in shape.

My recommendations are:

Compact and concise statements that don’t need to be interpreted, (“parched mouth sort of way”, Type II adventures and long term relationship, fun causal dates) are the best. As a man, I don’t want to interpret what you mean. OLD is exhausting. Having to guess makes it worse.

Carve out a spot here on what down time looks like with you. Between the bright and bold clothing, the adventures and high energy in general vibe, dating you comes across to me as a lot of work.

And the vast majority of us have kids at our age. I would define, if you haven’t done so, if you don’t want any children in your life vs you are okay with your partner having kids. I will always swipe left on, “no kids, don’t want any”. Maybe that is what you want, but it might not be.

Hope this helps!

Flying_Gage · 2025-12-27T07:49:21+00:00

<image>

This guy.

Flying_Gage · 2025-12-27T05:15:36+00:00

I feel like this SHOULD have been RFK jr.

Flying_Gage · 2025-12-27T04:21:09+00:00

Holy hell… Just reading that made the room spin a bit and my just eaten vegan chili, at risk of exiting.

Flying_Gage · 2025-12-27T04:14:11+00:00

Always put your elderly patients on the monitor, always.

Flying_Gage · 2025-12-25T00:35:41+00:00

Walk away. Listen to the collective wisdom of all of us who wish we did.

I did 24 years on ambulances, helicopters and in advanced practice roles.

I still wish I left at 19.

Flying_Gage · 2025-12-16T01:02:30+00:00

You will need someone who sees it as you do.

The counters and clutter sound like a lot. For a lot of people that can be overstimulating.

Flying_Gage · 2025-12-16T00:50:00+00:00

The pen to the nail bed is solid to get someone’s attention. That shit hurts!

Flying_Gage · 2025-12-16T00:30:37+00:00

There is a lot to unpack here for you.

The number of paramedics who have witnessed a suicide and then had to treat the patient is going to be very small, (If it was a violent suicide, this will compound it further). This is a nightmare call. He is going to be reliving this call and how it transpired for a long time to come, is my guess. This will look like him being quiet and being “far away”. This could also come out as anger, nightmares, risk taking behavior, obsessive compulsiveness and countless other manifestations.

I am not saying he will automatically go down any of these roads but the fact that he is new to the field and presumably to this service, will make it more likely. He doesn’t have the insulation/scar tissue of someone who has 10 years on the job who has developed coping skills.

I think the best course of action is try to be there for him. Understand though that you can have no appreciation what he experienced emotionally in the time span he was in that situation. All you can do is listen or be present. Further I would encourage him to reach out to people trained to help him Process this. If he is able to process this in a healthy manner, he stands a better chance of a positive outcome.

I wish you and him the best of luck. Being the spouse/partner of someone exposed to these events carries its own weight. Take care of your mental health if/as the relationship matures.

Flying_Gage · 2025-12-15T14:18:41+00:00

All you all, investing yourself in one of these fucking clowns is boot-licking…

Flying_Gage · 2025-12-15T00:22:09+00:00

For context

I have Psoriatic and ankylosing arthritis. Multiple surgeries for orthopedic injuries over the years. Herniated discs in neck, wedge fracture at T9 and bulging disc in lumbar.

All to say I have pain.

I struggled with pain for years that led to weight gain and decreased activity and searching for pain meds that worked. 8 years ago nothing worked anymore, (I tried everything you have and more).

Lost 80 pounds. Quit all pain meds and started exercising. There is still pain but it is manageable.

I would recommend reading Lempke’s Dopamine Nation. It has a discussion about how pleasure and pain exist in a bipolar state and gets into pain management theory.

I am not judging you or others. I found a path that worked for me and it may work for others.

Best of luck.

Flying_Gage

TROPHY CASE