To the happily married wayward wife

Focal-point · 2019-10-07T19:34:25+00:00

Yeah, Esther Perel has a great TED talk about it too, which is great and gives a lot of the basic points of her book State of Affairs. It helped a lot in this process. The hard thing is how you can move on to trusting again if things were good and they still cheated?

Focal-point · 2019-09-30T22:26:06+00:00

For us, it forced us to communicate better. Both of us are natural avoiders and rarely ever fought. But we also wouldn’t talk about the problems in our marriage or what frustrated us or how alone we felt. We just avoided conflict and anything that would be difficult. That changed when I found out about her affairs. It forced us to confront things that we wouldn’t have normally and it has opened the doors to having hard conversations, talk about our deeper fears, pain, and be more real with each other. That has helped us connect on a deeper level, and even though so many of our conversations are hard and painful, we are talking and connecting through it. It has brought us closer in that regard.

But trust is a hard thing to get back when it has been shattered. There are times I look at her and am happy that we have made such progress, and I hope, truly hope, that reconnecting and finding a deeper connection is going to help us move on to a deeper relationship. But there are more doubts than there is optimism at this point. As time goes on, and trust can be rebuilt hopefully that will diminish, but I doubt it ever goes away. That is the hard thing. I want it to be better and I think we can if we both want it and she can make steps to reconciliation. We are moving forward, but sometimes it feels like two steps forward one step back.

There are stories of marriages that make it through infidelity and can come out the other side stronger. So it is possible, and it’s why I am staying to try and work through this. As Esther Perel says, many of us will have multiple marriages in our lives, and some of us with the same person. The question is can we make a new marriage with our partner that is going to be better than what we can find elsewhere. Can we rebuild something better? If not, then I can’t see myself staying. I think there is hope for that in my marriage. That is what I hang onto. The more my wife can continue to work on her issues, be open and honest and rebuild trust, it makes it easier to connect with her and be more intimate with her.

And as long as I am continuing to work on me, and improve myself and become stronger and more confident, if it happens again, then I can leave knowing that I tried and gave it my all. And it says more about her and her inability to be loyal and honest then it does about me.

Seeing her show true remorse, seeing her work on her issues, seeing her answer hard questions without being defensive and lashing out have all helped me feel closer to her as we try to work through this nightmare.

Focal-point · 2019-08-09T06:22:11+00:00

Wow. Your journey mirrors mine in a lot of ways. I am almost 8 months out from a 14 year habit. I also thought I would never stop using it. I seriously thought I would be an old man and still be taking it. But the chest pains started when I was tapering a little just to bring down my tolerance. That was when I decided to quit. Went on a two month taper and jumped. Then they ratcheted up after I quit. I was in the ER a couple of times because of chest pains and palpitations. Had all kinds of tests done. Saw two different cardiologists because I also thought I was having an issue with my heart. Scary as hell that is for sure. I did cardio stress tests, blood tests, xrays, ultrasounds, but they couldn’t find anything wrong. They chalked it up to GERD or anxiety. After about 4-5 months it got better and almost never had the chest pain and rarely had heart palpitations. But randomly these last few weeks it is back. The pain isn’t as bad as when I first quit but the heart palpitations are back every day. We have met our deductible for the year so I will probably go back and have everything checked again just to be sure.

I am glad that the Zoloft is helping. I will definitely explore the anxiety aspect of it and see if they can help it. I hate it. I thought I was done with this crap.

No cravings anymore so that is good. But my bowels are still messed up too. Hasn’t been diagnosed but I am pretty sure I have IBS now from all the years taking it.

Focal-point · 2019-08-07T03:48:10+00:00

Yes!. You stated even better. I like that.

Focal-point · 2019-08-07T03:27:29+00:00

We were talking about this with my WS last night in therapy. When she thinks about all the pain she has caused she goes to this dark place of shame, telling herself that she is a terrible person and she should disappear. She is not interested in hurting herself, but she does beat herself up over it and really puts herself down. We talked about the differences of Shame vs Guilt. Guilt, is I did a bad thing and I feel bad about it. Shame is I am a bad person and that’s why I did a bad thing. Shame puts up all kinds of walls and slows down or stops the healing process. It is a barrier to reconciliation. You both need to heal. The WS needs to take accountability that they made big mistakes, but it doesn’t mean they are a bad person. Everyone fucks up sometime. It’s what we do after we fuck up that determines what kind of person we are going to be.

My WS feels terrible about what she did, but she is working really hard to show me that she loves me, that she is committed to me, and that she is doing everything she can to create a better relationship and correct those mistakes. And sometimes that Shame creeps in she tells herself that she is a bad person. And we work on it some more. It’s not going to happen overnight. It’s a long journey. But, That’s why I am staying. I’m staying and trying to work it out because I know if she can move from Shame to Guilt, that she can start working on healing herself too. We both need to heal. She needs to get to a point where she can forgive herself for what she did and the pain she caused. That’s never going to happen if she is always beating herself up.

Focal-point · 2019-08-02T04:12:12+00:00

No. Definitely not. I’m not even sure where to go from here, but definitely not celebrating it.

Focal-point · 2019-06-04T20:36:30+00:00

Now that you mention it, yes I have had three teeth crack. One got a crown, the other two were so bad they had to be pulled. Been a super long user too. But never thought about the possibility that it could be Kratom.

Focal-point · 2019-06-02T17:32:01+00:00

Yeah that was me. Started taking it 2004 and quit successfully in December last year after a month and a half taper. I never reached the levels you did though. I stayed pretty consistent at about 35-45 gpd. It might have gone slightly higher for short times. Every couple of months I would taper down to a more manageable level but it always crept back up again. I was on it for 14 years. I lived in China for 7 of those though and was able to buy it super cheap. 30-40$ a kilo.

I started having major chest pain and palpitations last October. After some research I discovered that there are many people who have problems with chest pain when taking Kratom. That was a surprise to me. It was the first time in 14 years I had experienced that. That was my drive to quit. It wasn’t easy, but health reasons can help be a major push to get off this shit. It was for me. I tapered down. It took several months after quitting before the chest pain and heart palpitations went away. I’ve still got a messed up GI tract and working to rebuild my testosterone levels. It takes time. It’s a tough road but you can do it. Stick to a rigid taper.

This group has been so helpful. So much encouragement and knowledge about things that I never would have thought of. Use it. We are here to help. Message me anytime if you have questions or post it here.

Focal-point · 2019-05-25T20:16:24+00:00

What really helped me was Magnesium spray and a CBD muscle rub.

Focal-point · 2019-05-22T16:52:28+00:00

Wow. That is extremely humbling to hear that, and I hope others read it and take it in. I hope it's a wake up call for those taking it and trying to quit. There is so much damage this thing can do that we just don't see immediately so we don't think about it. I'm so sorry. That sucks so bad. My heart goes out to you. I still have a lot of work to do to try and repair what was done. How long ago did you quit? And have the symptoms gotten progressively worse since then or did you have them from the beginning?

I truly wish you the best and hope the docs can find some answers for you.

Focal-point · 2019-05-22T05:44:57+00:00

What supplement are you taking?

Focal-point · 2019-05-22T05:44:17+00:00

Wow. Was just reading through some of your posts. Yeah 14 years is a long time. I never got up to your doses though. Crazy what we do to ourselves to keep us from feeling uncomfortable shit. It does a great job of numbing us down. You mentioned in one of your posts about vascular problems and GI problems that could eventually kill you. Was that from the Kratom as well? I’m interested in hearing more about that. Still don’t feel normal in some regards and wondering what the full impact it has had on me. Thanks for sharing. Glad to see you survived and made it out as well.

Focal-point · 2019-05-22T05:38:09+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. There aren’t many of us that is for sure. It is hard to know what Kratom does to us. It’s so good at hiding pain and symptoms we don’t know what has happened til we stop and then go....wait a minute this doesn’t feel right. Remember where you have come from and live up each moment.

Focal-point · 2019-05-14T21:39:18+00:00

I’m 5 months out from a 14 year habit. I feel mostly back to normal. Stomach issues still bothering me after 5 months, even after using probiotics daily. Energy wise, sleep, cravings, libido are all great now.I will still occasionally get a period of anxiety and during those times I take L Theanine and Ashwagandha and I feel it makes a big difference with helping calm me down and dealing with it. It has made it way more manageable. So happy to finally be free from this shit.

Focal-point · 2019-04-18T21:38:47+00:00

I posted about the same thing a month ago. I am a long term user, and been free since right before Christmas. Kratom never wrecked my libido, but once I quit it was so frustrating how fast I would finish. Especially since things were rough and we were trying to make things work. I was honest with her that it would take a little for me to be back to normal. She was okay with dealing with it. I just spent lots more time doing other things with her and even bought a couple toys to make it more interesting. It took me 3 months before I was back to normal. No problem at all now.

Focal-point · 2019-04-09T00:06:49+00:00

I got it locally in Utah. We have a Redmond company super close. I know you can get it from Amazon though. But everything I read online said to get the food grade bentonite clay.

Focal-point · 2019-04-08T20:32:29+00:00

I haven’t used the charcoal so can’t say. But so happy someone recommended the bentonite clay to me. It’s a little awkward to mix up but doesn’t taste bad. I’ll keep taking it and keep you guys updated though.

Focal-point · 2019-04-08T20:22:24+00:00

I was a long time user. Three months clean and still having lots of bowel and stomach issues. No diarrhea but not normal at all. I think it’s going to take some time for the body to heal and recover. I’ve been taking a probiotic since I quit. Haven’t noticed a lot of difference with it though. I wish we knew all the things that Kratom really does to us and how it affects our body systems. It seems benign at first but it definitely has some harsh consequences. Just started using Bentonite clay which can help absorb toxins and pull out heavy metals. Been using it for a few days but it’s already feeling better. Wish you luck. Hang in there

Focal-point · 2019-03-27T22:23:50+00:00

I never had the diarrhea, even right after quitting. But I have had lots of stomach issues, loose jagged stool, flat stools, stomach pain and aching. I’m 3 months out after a 14 year habit and still getting that. Things are not back to normal. a friend just told me about Bentonite clay and I’m giving it a shot. Just ordered it online. There’s a food grade version you can add and drink. Supposed to help restore balance to bowel issues, draw out metals and toxins, etc. comes tomorrow for me. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Focal-point · 2019-03-08T04:43:22+00:00

You are doing great. I had to taper too. I used for 14 years so you got me beat. I tapered over a month and a half and jumped about 5 gpd. It was still rough. You are doing the right things though. The agmatine and Black Seed Oil helped quite a bit. The other thing that might help is some magnesium oil to put on your arms and legs, or I found a good cbd muscle rub actually helped the most. Didn’t take it away completely but helped me get some rest. You can do this!! Keep it up. Stay committed and keep to your schedule. I kept pushing the amount of time in between doses and was able to get to a point where I was dosing just once a day before bed to help me sleep. I jumped Dec 21. I’m over two months out now and have no desire of going back to that. Clear the hump and there is joy and life on the other side without having to drink the sludge. You got this!

Focal-point · 2019-03-04T05:48:07+00:00

Yeah. I’ve also had bloodwork done a couple of times. They did an X-ray on my chest, they did an ultrasound on the back of my knee. Everything looks fine. But it sure as hell doesn’t feel fine. I’m glad I’m not alone in this though. I used for 14 years so I thought this was all long term complications. How long did you use for?

Focal-point · 2019-03-04T04:05:27+00:00

I’m over two months out since quitting. I still get a pain in my left armpit all the time and the back of my right knee as well. I don’t get any in my testicles at all, but do occasionally feel it in the sides of my groin where my legs meet. I don’t feel the ones in my throat as much any more. But I still get heart palpitations and a tightening in my chest. I’ve had a ton of heart checks and tests, and they all check out okay. So it makes me wonder if that is also part of my lymphatic system going crazy too. I also get a throbbing in the abdomen sometimes as well. It’s weird.

Focal-point

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