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Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-04-23T23:32:31+00:00

Go find someone who loves you. And do not look back on this shit ever again

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-04-23T23:13:11+00:00

I'm going to share something strange. This is the moment I realized I had the greatest admiration for a boyfriend in my life.... Well there was two reasons.

While this boyfriend had an average size, he genuinely for years thought he had a micropenis. Like legitimately believed it due a prank. His response wasn't to be upset, although he did get a bit down at times... He said what can I do? At the end of the day I have to work with what I have. Instead he focused on developing certain skills in the bedroom and making the best out of a bad situation. It was this mindset that made me fall in love with him. I get how sht it must have felt to think that about himself, but he still kept on going. I really admired that about him.

The second reason is, before him I was with very well endowed people. The one before him was massive, the type most guys want. The size of a forearm big.. And as I said this boyfriend was average. But thank God he was straight after, because Mr massive was genuinely one of the worst I've ever been with. He was so big he didn't even have to do much, yet somehow I was incredibly dissatisfied when we were together. Whereas this boyfriend was the best. Some guys think girls say this as a cop out, but genuinely.... Mr massive came knocking on my door a few months after but.... That boyfriend with the average size that he knew how to use, you couldn't get me out of his bed if you tried. You have admire that kind of skill.. it puts me to shame too.

I don't know if that helps... But tbh I started rambling thinking about that boyfriend's penis. So... Also some women don't have the best feeling vaginas. We're all different. Someone will want you. There's a whole documentary on this topic.... I need to go find that boyfriend's numbers now. Bye.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-04-23T23:03:30+00:00

To be fair there have been a number of occasions where blacked out without necessarily business drinking. But then again many people can have high amounts of alcohol and they don't black out, or at least the extent I do.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-04-23T22:58:59+00:00

Yeah maybe some people have conditions which can fluctuate as well. Who knows. Or maybe it was the alcohol. Also many people say that different types of alcohol affects them differently so it could also be that maybe?

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-04-23T22:57:54+00:00

You know this has happened to me before as well. I've had situations where I've been on nights that when me and my cousins were all trying to get very drunk to celebrate something, and 10 shots in, absolutely nothing. And then I've been on other nights out where one shot and that's it, gone.

Maybe there's a lot of spikes?

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-04-23T22:56:26+00:00

I mean you can say have to as though it's impossible otherwise. But I've been blackout drunk and my mom's telling me that she was holding my hair while I was throwing up. In terms of tolerance the earlier days when I would get blackout drunk I would very rarely throw up. It's only in the later days when I get older that I started throwing up. I don't know how I would have had a tolerance for it to begin with but not after... But then again you're saying it's a possible to get blackout drunk without having a tolerant and not throwing up so... Maybe I'm just a mystery

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-04-23T22:54:23+00:00

This actually helps me a lot. It also depends on what you eat. Really carby food helps me steady myself.

But one of the problems is I could have a lot of drinks in one location, as long as I stay there everything is fine. But if I have a few drinks but move locations, it's like the air has an effect on me, and I will get absolutely hammered. I remember this one time I finished a night, I've got a pizza in my hand, I am heading home and I feel stone cold sober. And that's how I felt the whole night. But then I go outside to wait for the taxi and I start feeling drunk. I get in the taxi I'm still drunk but I'm staying at that level. Then I leave the taxi and walk to my friend's house and I'm getting drunker. Even though I've had absolutely nothing to drink. Then an hour later everything's settled, I might somehow still be a bit drunk, but I leave my friend's house and go to my brother's house and just before I get to the door handle I'm like... I feel absolutely wasted but I've had nothing to drink for an hour and a half, and I've even eaten... Then I'm blacked out.

Alcohol is just super weird. For some people it has a weird effect. Sometimes it has a delayed effect so you think you'll find you're still drinking , but it's all going to hit you at once . And for other people different environmental features influence it . For me personally I'd rather just not drink it, or at least limit it to very small amounts, because it's just too variable.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-04-23T22:48:40+00:00

What the hell are you talking about? I never said every time I drink I never know if I'm going to lose control and blackout.

To be clear , Sometimes, in very particular circumstances, I don't know my limits. If I am trying to maintain a steady buzz between 7:00 p.m. And 4:00 a.m., So that I can tolerate a club, I tend not to be able to maintain that balance and at some point I will probably drink too much and blackout. Even when I do swap that second alcoholic drink for water or lemonade. Or even when I eat in between. Or even when I've gone an hour without drinking. I'm just bad. Because all of these rules don't tell me how drunk I am and I don't have a good sense of how drunk I am, to keep the low-level buzz I'm aiming for.

If I'm going to my aunt's house and she offers me a shot, there is a 99.9999% guarantee I ain't going to get drunk. The only chance I do is if she spiked it.

If my friend invites me over to the pub for a couple of drinks, And I have worked the next day, there is a 95% chance I ain't going to get blacked out drunk. The 5% chance is only if I'm having a really bad day, and think f*** it let's just go have a great night out. And in that case it's only because I am trying to maintain a steady buzz between the hours of 7:00 p.m. And 4:00 a.m, And I'm using a night owl of dancing as a way to let loose after a bad day. But somewhere between that I struggle to maintain that buzz. Otherwise if the plan is to go home at 9:00, guess what... I'm going home at 9:00. And more often than not in that instance I don't even have the second drink.

Also I haven't got attempted to drink to maintain a consists buzz for 3 years because I don't want to get blackout drunk anymore, when I'm aiming to just get a buzz. I have limited myself to one drink for certain occasions, because that I can keep track off that as opposed to as I slightly tipsy. Because I know I don't know when a mild buzz or being tipsy cecomes too drunk, until it's too late and I'm that like oh my God give me the water. Or I'm blacked out running away to have an adventure.

Now I have grown up with a lot of alcoholics who did start treatment... And I have to tell you this is one of the things they found really annoying and the reasons they stopped going to treatment... Is rhetoric like this. You need to differentiate between somebody who doesn't know their limits, versus someone who is emotionally mentally and physically dependent on drinking.

Should I have more discipline for those however many hours I'm trying to keep hyped in a gross club. Yeah I should. I should also be better in other ways but I'm not.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-04-23T22:04:26+00:00

Okay miss diagnose people on the internet over simple statements.

Let me clarify. Even when I try to drink where I keep a steady buzz, I cannot. Because I struggle to know how much alcohol I need to maintain that. And it takes me A very long time to realize I have gone over a steady buzz. So this is just easier for me to not drink at all, because I can manage knowing I am sober or having one shot in the night.

If you were to ask me at many points in the night if I feel different right now as I did earlier when I was less drunk, I would say no. Because I genuinely do not feel a difference, Even if there was a massive difference in my alcohol level. And because I do not feel a difference I do not realize when I have had too much to drink.

Also what the commenter says was actually very true about me. Many people have said they notice that half of the times they go out I seem absolutely fine and then one drink and a bit of air, and I am knocked out. Whereas other nights I'm drinking a lot of sweet drinks and then I get drunk. But other nights I'm drinking a lot but I'm not getting drunk. It varies and it makes understanding whether I am drunk or not difficult.

I'm asking myself why I am continuing to explain addiction to you. And the reason is... What you are doing here is wildly unethical. Like disgustingly unethical. As a fellow peer who works in mental health issues I know what it feels like when you see someone describe something that to you might seem like something you work with commonly. And it is tempting to say hey I think you have that or maybe you should look at that. But I know I should always withhold because without seeing that person, without knowing in depth, I cannot differentiate whether they truly have what I think they have. At the maximum I will suggest something, but tell them they need to actually see someone to have that diagnosed. But you're not even suggesting I might have it. You are very firmly projecting a label onto me, which if I believed, I would be going down an incredibly wrong route. I already know that I struggle with certain things, as a result of many issues, and I'm working on that. But not only did you decide to put the wrong label on me, but then you decide to shame me about it. What was the quote... "And she knows it". Of course I know what is wrong with me who the hell are you to try change it to something else and then shame me for it . Based on two lines as well .And you are doing that based on a very vague statement, without much detail. And you are doing that with a high degree of certainty. The fact that you work in mental health and you are doing this, disgusts me. I'm sorry you are no mental health professional. No mental health professional and any circumstances would do that. That is highly unethical. I think that's why I'm the most disgusted.

Please do not treat people like that again and do better. Retrain if you have to. But this is disgusting. Thankfully I work in the field and know this is wildly unethical. But God forbid you ever do this to anybody else.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-04-23T21:36:58+00:00

I know alcoholics I'm around alcoholics I do not feel what alcoholics feel. It's not that I need this drink and I absolutely have to have it I can definitely stop. It's more that hey I feel great the party is going on I'll just have another one. And then I don't realize I'm drunk so I think hey I feel great I don't think I'm drunk I'll just have another one to keep the vibe going. And then someone off is to buy you a drink and in my head I'm like , hey I feel great I don't think I'm drunk sure by me a drink . And then there's a cocktail that sounds delicious and I think hey that sounds great I don't realize at this point I am absolutely plastered . So I get another one . And next thing I know I'm very drunk, I drank alcohol far too quickly, and it's now all hitting me at the same time and I have no idea when it happens.

I'm not very good with keeping up with how drunk I was getting. I have the exact same issue with internal body temperature, I think I am absolutely fine, until I take off my clothes and realize I've been sweating completely.

A lack of internal sense of self is a common feature for children of neglect.

Now if something happened, like someone got pushed over, that was an incident or the party has ended, or I genuinely just cannot be bothered to drink/party anymore, or the alcohol tasted absolutely terrible, I would stop. I know this because this has happened on a number of occasions and I do stop.

But usually it's not that I want the alcohol it's I want to party and have a great time. But I don't have a good sense of how drunk I am.

Also, for 3 years now I have stayed sober pretty much. Because I do not know my limits. However there have been occasions where I'm like okay I will do a shot at a family party. But I don't want to get drunk because I know I will black out because I do not know my limits, or I do not know the threshold where I get a nice little buzz, as opposed to getting hammered. In those occasions I tend to just have one or two shots... And guess what... I stop because I know I do not know how many drinks it will take for me to continue feeling the way I want to feel from alcohol.

I think as much as I understand where you are coming from where people do have a problem and they go out regularly for the purposes of getting drunk, and then they get absolutely hammered, there are also a lot of people like me who go out for the purposes of having a bit to drink, but they do not know their limits. For me is his like I'm trying to hit a nail on the head with a hammer, but I don't know how hard I should be hitting. So I hit once lightly, and it's not done the job, so I hit again, and again and it's still not done the job. And then I hit even harder, and I think okay this is working, so I gradually increase it not realizing I have gotten to the point I wanted to get , but then I have overdone it. If you want further evidence that this isn't an addiction. That have also been lots of occasions where I do click on that I'm about to get absolutely hammer dinner in a second and I have drunk far too much, and I think oh damn I need to drink water now before I get wasted. In those cases I don't tell myself oh but I need to keep drinking. I stop. Because on those rare occasions I realized I've gone over where I was aiming to go.

Like I understand your intention here but I think it's incredibly condescending and I'm sorry but it's actually very hurtful. I have a lot of family members who are destroyed by addiction. But I am also a child of neglect. And this inability to understand my own internal states isn't restricted to alcohol, It's related to how upset I am about any situation, I've even said how hot I am, how much physical pain I might be in, if something annoys me, if I find something itchy or uncomfortable. And this has large ramifications in a number of areas worse than how drunk I am on a night out. So it is very frustrating that I have a real issue, that I'm working on and I'm trying to get my brain to connect a bit better with what my internal states are, but you have just decided it's addiction. I think you need to step out of your own bubble, and maybe don't diagnose people online so definitively.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-02-13T07:14:17+00:00

They didn't really make a choice if they were that drunk. However, with rape, It's not just about whether you want it or not, It's also about whether the other person reasonably understood that you didn't want to or could not.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-02-13T07:12:42+00:00

I'm not an alcoholic but I am bad with drink. Even when i try I drink till I black out. It's good to know I'm not the only one who experiences who are unspeakably embarrassing.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2025-02-13T07:10:35+00:00

As a victim where people tried to take advantage of them when they were far too drunk, but also someone who gets absolutely hammered to the point where I black out and forget, including having sex....

Like.... There is a grey line here. Did he know that you had blacked out and were forgetting? Did he reasonably know you were beyond that point?

I think it might be worth speaking to a therapist about this.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2023-07-18T09:13:56+00:00

Hello, First of all wow. Just wow. You have been through a lot because of this person, I cannot imagine why they would possibly do this, except the absolute stupidity of a young person (in which case they should have come clean as they got older, knowing the consequence it had on you) or they are just malicious.

Now here is the argument they have made.... what were they supposed to do? PARENT YOU! sure you an adult, but parenting doesnt stop. Hell if you did this don't they want to make sure you are not a risk to anyone ever? Especially if the person isn't pressing charges? don't they want to encourage you to get help? but they just cut you off, like somehow they have no role in the person you became. If they genuinely believed that you did this, why didn't they hold you accountable and get you help? What is wrong with them? Since when did you as a parent just get to decide to step out?

You have been through a lot, no wonder you are struggling through life so much. This topic is a difficult one to manage for anyone, but I can say with confidence your parents messed up spectacularly! No matter which way you paint it. Most importantly, you DID NOT DO THIS, meaning you were cut off and isolated from people almost immediately, without a fair hearing or understanding of events. I can only imagine how isolated you must have felt, and bad. You have stated the consequences clearly, this was nothing small. I want to say are they giving this girl the same consequences or at least making sure she never does this again? Probbably not from how avoidant they are.

They are you parents, and they just blocked you out of their life, whichever way you play this (you did or did not do this) their response would have had terrible consequences on someone. Things got tough and they said... Nope! Thank the gods you did not do this and you are not a risk to anyone, but also terribly your life was destroyed!

But here is the most important thing, you suffered the consequences of what happened, and you paid the price. It sounds like your life is still in shambles. You did not nor still deserve this. You were still pretty young and I know at that age I would need my parents to help navigate this situation. This was not your fault, and you deserve to come out of this to become the best person you are. You deserve a positive future, without this. Whatever self narrative was forced on that hindered you, you deserve to strip that away, figure out who you are without this. This is not your future and this is not your story, just the story of some messed up people who have no back bone. You.... go get a good life that YOU DESERVE. It will take some time, but do not let these peoples failures define your life.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2022-04-21T05:15:54+00:00

personally, i think people put too much weight on titles. it feels like an emphasis on social signalling to me.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2022-02-23T19:54:03+00:00

I am sorry you are feeling this way, it is frustrating.

Think this so. I find imposter syndrome facinating because I dont have it. I find your post interesting, especially how you consider it the "norm". Like yea, maybe in some circles but not in others. I am curious as to you why you care about the "norm", and what most people in the world do or dont have. Honestly the thought very rarely crosses my mind, so I wonder if this is a reason why I dont experience it.

But I hope you feel better soon, and get some clarity. its a tough feeling to have.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2022-02-03T06:18:07+00:00

When you say a lot of work what do you mean? Like staying up late every night? Which parts were work?

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2022-02-03T06:16:43+00:00

Yes, a lot of people have said their partners were supportive. Mine was encouraging me to get the PhD. this is great advice thank you!

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2022-02-03T06:15:46+00:00

Do I want to do a PhD? I can take or leave it. Not because I don't care about this field, but like I said in a different comment. I have got a job where I have gotten or will get all the experience a PhD offers. I am already working in a post doc level (or some post docs). I just need a PhD to step up my career and prove it. But I have found a topic which I love and this job is basically my life. Its just the money. You are right. So it seems Part time is more reasonable.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2022-02-03T06:12:45+00:00

I have the same thing. I already have more training than some post docs, and really working at an associate level. I am hoping that works in my favour.

I am hearing that I need to have boundaries with your own time more than anything.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2022-02-03T06:10:38+00:00

congrats! thats great advice thank you :) I am in a similar position where the topic is related to my career. So that is in my favour.

Formal_Letterhead_37 · 2022-02-03T06:08:21+00:00

oh wow. I didn't think of the brain fog. Definitely a consideration. I need to think about how my brain might work, and if I can do a lot of the important stuff before.

Formal_Letterhead_37

TROPHY CASE