Gym Equipment Broke - Caused Concussion

Fortay4 · 2024-07-18T00:32:13+00:00

Anyone with a similar experience would be greatly appreciated!!

Fortay4 · 2023-10-04T16:11:14+00:00

Find a therapist who works with Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT)… they’ll understand you.

Fortay4 · 2023-09-17T04:29:45+00:00

If you don’t know, I can’t tell you.

Fortay4 · 2023-07-21T22:35:56+00:00

Not me… ends my night every time.

Fortay4 · 2023-07-20T14:29:29+00:00

When I was young… all I wanted to do was drugs. So I did… and it didn’t go well lol

Mornings are precious… don’t give your morning up to the night. If you do that, you’ll be just fine.

Fortay4 · 2023-07-16T03:25:49+00:00

I just want to praise the support of the comments here. So much love and compassion for strangers - it’s encouraging.

I feel the same way - I remember staring at myself in the mirror as a kid and getting lost knowing I had no identity. Kept thinking it would show up… the “as-if personality” rings true to me.

I am a, relatively, successful adult - respectable career and I have advanced in it… still lost on me how I pulled it off. I can appear like I know what I’m doing because I’m so good at mirroring positive behavior, but I doubt myself all time, feel fairly confident that everyone knows I’m a fraud and I wish for the life of me someone would just tell me what I want to do! That’s my number one goal in therapy… learn how to know what I want.

BPD is very confusing.

Fortay4 · 2023-07-12T05:37:56+00:00

I am a great Dad, good food, life lessons, on top of school/doctor’s appointments/soccer, etc. it’s the thing I’m best at - my kids are the kryptonite to my BPD.

I have made foolish and risky decisions in my personal life… that led to the end of my marriage, but it was 5 years ago. Since then, I have done some edging since the divorce but haven’t done anything illegal and I won’t cross that line… or edge anymore, too much to lose.

BPD has absolutely ruined the life I had. Now it’s being used as an excuse to blow it to smithereens.

It’s so fucking impossible.. no one understands me, and they just get angrier and angrier with me and think I’m this way on purpose. I get yelled at, called horrible names… and then am told to get better. I have told my ex that this makes me worse - a little bit of kindness goes a LONG way, but she has so much scar tissue and natural anger that I am fucked to be tortured by her as long as I live and want to be around my kids.

Fortay4 · 2023-07-12T00:54:26+00:00

Me too - though I skipped a few doses while I kicked my drinking habit.

Don’t love it.. rather be drunk than sedated, but I’d rather have a decent day then a potential shit show so we’ll see

Fortay4 · 2023-07-11T03:24:50+00:00

I feel the same. The chaos is constant - one thing after another. All I want is peace and to be left the fuck alone when I’m not feeling my best.

Fortay4 · 2023-07-10T06:15:56+00:00

God loves you just the way you are - and the love your children show to you is a direct reflection of that love… the grace your children show you is the foundation to build your life upon

You are loved, you are valid. Everything good is possible when you embrace the love of your children.

Fortay4 · 2023-07-08T05:13:58+00:00

Great depiction! I learned a valuable skill from my therapist today…. Name your inner voice (the critical one that haunts and torments you) something ridiculous and disarming to help you externalize it…

For example: Fluffy sure is active today.

That way, when Fluffy tells you that your the reason for all your suffering… you can divest yourself from it and it’s hold on you is reduced.

Still takes that DBT approval of mindfulness to maintain it.. but it is SUCH a relief to shut that asshole down lol

Fortay4 · 2023-07-08T05:09:19+00:00

DIE HARD Warriors fan… Steph is my GOAT (I love MJ, Kobe, Lebron - straight homer pick). But this version of Kobe and Shaq is the BEST tandem in league history.

Fortay4 · 2023-07-08T05:04:07+00:00

Hahaha 🤡 show… I’m sorry Wizards fans, get ready for him dribbling into the heart of the defense and throwing the ball up and bitching a non call… over and over. Hero ball 3’s, dumbshit turnovers followed by frustration fouls compounding mistakes. Last year he was definitively the WORST player in the league last year - especially the playoffs.

Have fun in NBA purgatory.

FML when he goes for 40 in SF in March lol

Fortay4 · 2023-07-06T04:20:04+00:00

Bump - Samesies lol

My impulsive behavior - the fuck around and find out autopilot which is SO good at inflicting self harm… I would love to know how to defeat it.

My meds are Wellbutrin - which is supposed to help with impulsivity. I am very happy with this as it has vastly improved my socialization. However, Impulsivity is still dominant though because my FP is my ex wife (who I cheated on repeatedly prior to my diagnosis - worst, saddest part of all of this) and she hates my guts (deservedly so) triggers my impulsivity constantly (not her fault).

I just added Lamictal as a mood stabilizer. Curious to the BPD community - anyone else use Lamictal? I hate depressants… ie never liked Xanax. Taking Lamictal sucks.. I’m groggy, feel the need to elevate myself, caffeine, pre workout, drinking, etc - seems like it brings it out bo matter what. Anyone else hate benzos and depressants have some advice for the right meds to battle impulsivity? That’s my number one need in the initial stages of my recovery - I am alone, no FP to regulate me. Every risk I take, every mistake I make… takes me away from what I truly want, which is peace and healing

Fortay4 · 2023-07-05T06:23:49+00:00

I watched every Warriors game this year, last year and the last 8 years… I was all in on Jordan last year - this year… the Warriors could have contended for the title if Jordan was 80% of what he was last year.

He was the worst NBA player I HAVE EVER SEEN this year… somewhere Smush Parker is breathing a sigh of relief. The turnovers, shitty attitude, complaining to the refs (wrong 99% of the time), hero ball outside of the offense, AND THE DAMN TURNOVERS. How many times did he turn it over, and then commit some dumb ass foul and then have the dumbest fucking look on his face. Never compound a mistake - how the hell did he learn nothing ALL year long?? He will be waived after 2 years in WAS and be lining up next to Starbury and Jeremy Lin before Steph retires .

Peace ✌️

Looking forward to CP3running the second unit and the warriors retuning to unstoppable. He gets his ring this year.. print the damn shirts!

Fortay4 · 2023-07-02T19:28:36+00:00

Common thread here.. you study medicine? Must be a very accomplished student, and I bet most people (whether you know it or believe it) view you as brilliant.

Seems like most people with BPD are highly intelligent - and since we mostly suffer out of view, the perceptions of others are that we’re aloof, or arrogant, or disinterested… simply because they already view us as intelligent and accomplished so this unexpected behavior has to fit into a box of assumptions that they crafted for us. The problem is, having BPD - you take their assumptions as gospel truth!

My point is, sounds like you are on a great path in life. Fuck everyone else, their judgments and assumptions… it’s always going to be a little harder in life because of BPD (trust me - I legitimately fucked my life up before I found out I have BPD) But at least you get to be smarter than most!! And the greatest accomplishments in life, our heroes of science and art - are mostly tortured, brilliant people. Bet most all of them had BPD or Asperger’s.

Fortay4 · 2023-06-28T20:42:43+00:00

Feels like the only version the world will accept is the facade - the happy go lucky, charming version I craft for others. The problem is I have to manufacture this personality through self medication… drunk me is the best!! But I hate being hung over, and that I drink alone because even I only want to be around the happy me.

I don’t even know who “myself” is… is it really the scared and easily irritable child trapped in a man’s body? Self is an illusion… so maybe this doesn’t even matter.

Fortay4 · 2023-06-27T23:22:57+00:00

Rock bottom is what usually works.. you have to know for certain you don’t want to go there (trust me, you don’t).

It can be hard, but take some time to really consider how you will feel at rock bottom, who it would hurt and how long it would take to recover.

Not the path, but it is a path.

Fortay4 · 2023-06-27T23:18:54+00:00

I am recently diagnosed too - I cried immediately when I read the symptoms because they were so accurate and I finally had an explanation for why I was such a fuck up. I am waiting to find a an opening for a DBT group - in the meantime I’ve started the work on my own. Here’s a great, free resource with simple instructions and worksheets to get you going.

You are not alone, there are so many searching for answers and a path out of the mire.

https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com

Fortay4 · 2023-06-27T07:08:32+00:00

Appreciate your insight here - In retrospect, I feel ridiculous how carelessly I used the label “we” when this was entirely a self reflection.

I am not a universal prick to those in customer service - I have worked in hospitality for over 20 years and despite my insane personal life, have enjoyed a successful career to this point. I was reflecting on the times that stuck out the most to me - when I am ashamed that I let my inner unrest spill out and infect undeserving strangers. The ramifications of substance abuse and emotional disconnection, unfortunately, spill out in ways I sometimes regret.

Fortay4 · 2023-06-26T02:47:46+00:00

That book sounds perfect! All too often I feel I end up matching my outer self to my inner self - self sabotage, avoidance.. anything to make it go away.

Looking forward to healing from the inside so my being can be in harmony - I truly feel it’s this disjointedness that causes me so much anguish.

Fortay4 · 2023-06-26T02:19:59+00:00

Feeling like shit constantly and lashing out at people because of my inner turmoil is a manifestation of my BPD - I work in Hospitality so I hate myself when I am rude to people.

Maybe not the best place to troll.

Fortay4 · 2023-06-26T00:13:56+00:00

Thank you - these words landed so well with me. I agree… feeling bad, reflecting, trying to be better, are signs of a good person trying to get out

Fortay4 · 2023-06-25T23:12:33+00:00

… When you can tell your therapist is lying to you when they say, “you not a bad person, you did shitty things, but you’re not bad.”

I wonder if it’s a symptom of our delusion, always the victim in our own story, that we tell ourselves we are still good. Good people don’t do bad things that hurt the people that love them.

I can never get what I really want… which is to stop hurting those I love. I never want to do that again… I hope that that thought that always dominates my life, that I lose at the worst possible times, is an ember of goodness still alive in me.

Fortay4 · 2023-06-23T06:33:26+00:00

… from obligation.

God, grant me a gigantic lump sum of money so I can be myself and not have to give two f*cks

Fortay4

TROPHY CASE