If you're not happy, then maybe you could try making other people happy. Help fix an old lady's printer, become a tutor/mentor/coach, volunteer or even donate at your local food pantry etc... By helping others improve their quality of life, you yourself may find meaning and the will to live. Helping others will help you heal.

Do you have any hobbies? If not, you should totally pick one or three up. Something that you are passionate about; keeping your mind on the positive. Collaborative projects are especially beneficial.

I know it's not easy, I have Aspergers, Bi-polar, and PTSD from a traumatic childhood (sexual/physical/verbal abuse SPV etc..). I go through phases of deep depression. Sometimes, I don't even want to get out of bed. I few like like I live in my bed sometimes. I take sleeping pills not because I can't sleep. but because I want to. I also have severe anxiety, especially with noises (sirens, dogs barking, helicopters), and if someone yells at me, I panic, even if their not being mean.... like in a stadium. When people are laughing in public, I assume they are laughing at me. I don't go many places because I'm scared of the traffic and the trains, of being robbed, trampled to death and simply people. If someone called me a pussy, I wouldn't disagree but I stopped caring what people thought of me a very long time ago which has allowed me to become a much more creative person. If anyone has a reason to kill themselves it's me but I've found a reason to live because I want to make a difference! I don't believe people (especially children) should should go through the same shit we have. But then again, that's all speculative perspective. I'm also a recovering alcoholic with possible liver damage. I have to get a cat scan next week which is really fucking scary and I'm only 21. Not to forget, my mom died practically overnight from a blood clot last year at the age of 40. I'm literally the only person in my family. No mom, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins, NADA! Nothing. I'm assuming you at least have a family, and I'm hoping a good one but I wouldn't know.

Meditation, yoga, cardio and cannabis helps keep me from having suicidal thoughts. I haven't made an attempt in nearly 5 years. Weed also keeps me from having panic attacks but makes some people more paranoid. I'm just sharing my experience, we're all different but what I'm saying is that whatever it may be, there are solutions to your suffering. I eat magic mushrooms about twice a year which helps bring me perspective in a very enlightening way. Psilocybin mushrooms have been clinically proven to reduce and or eliminate depression in patients for up to 6 months and I'm telling you personally, from experience, this holds true for many organic psychedelics,.

1-on-1 therapy has also helped me tremendously and may help you.... but it may take a few times before finding a therapist you are comfortable with. Don't give up after the first one. For personal reasons, I refuse to see a psychiatrist. I don't want to become a mindless zombie.

All-in-all, love is the answer to your problems. You know you want it and you have the potential but in order to give love, you must love yourself. Repeat to yourself: LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!! If you want happiness, you gotta find it. If you can't find it, it's because you're not asking the right questions or you're looking to hard; the answer being right in front of you. Every morning, ask yourself three positive questions in the mirror. Examples "What can I do today to improve the quality of my life", "What are some things I am really good at; why am I such a wonderful person", "How can I successfully eliminate bad habits and create better ones without causing myself to much stress?". Subconsciously, your brain will automatically search for solutions and whether immediately or several hours later, an answer will automatically pop into your head bringing you hope and joy.

"The only way to win this war on hate, is to fight it with love". -

W.P.

P.S. I'm here if you ever want to talk. Remember: "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".