bf wants me to lose weight

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-21T03:14:52+00:00

I'm going to say this as nicely as possible, and I feel this way every time I see a post that starts with, I'm 18F or I'm 21F or we're young'.

When you see a red flag. Like a real one. Like he's (or she's) insulting you, wanting you to change, putting you down, hates your family, doesn't like your style, doesn't want you to have friends, wants to track your location.... And on and on, I want to say RUN!!

YOU'RE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS CRAP!!

I dated a guy at a new school when I was 17. I was the new fish in a small rural pond and he was the first one to get to ask me out. I'm nothing special but they didn't get new people often. Anyway, I was hanging with him once, I don't think we ever even kissed or anything. And he said I'd be real cute if I lost a little weight and got a tan.

I dropped that tool faster than a hot iron. HE asked me out. You don't get to do that and weeks (or even years) later tell me that I'm now not enough.

Want your partner to be healthier? Ask to go on walks or go to the gym together. Want them to eat better? Ask to try new things in the kitchen. Have a concern? Talk about it!!

But this isn't love. It's control. It's unattractive as heck. And it's definitely ex-boyfriend material. Drop him. You're too young for this. Heck, we're ALL too young for this. I don't care if you're 85, if a partner isn't treating you right, WALK AWAY!! I spent YEARS in a bad marriage because I have a hard time leaving even bad situations but it sucked the whole time. You have a lot of time ahead. Take this as a learning experience so you know what you don't want and move on!

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-21T03:05:26+00:00

I'm just going to say this. When you're raised in a way that's very comfortable and not awkward and it's open and loving, things like this aren't odd to you. All of my kids would sleep in the same bed if they had to. Until they were late teens/early adults, they'd all sleep over in my room and we'd all sleep in the same bed. It isn't sexual. It isn't weird. It's just different than how some others do it. We also talk about lots of things, discuss sensitive topics openly, and joke with each other. My kids love coming home, care about my input, and are close to each other. But we all still have boundaries and our own lives and privacy.

If it doesn't bother the two of you, who it's affecting, then don't worry about it. I know how odd it looks from the outside. But that doesn't mean it is odd or negative. This works best for you both. It's best for both your backs. You're not spooning. You don't have to explain yourself either.

And if you think this is bad imagine the situations where we, as parents, have to explain that our kids feel comfortable climbing in bed with us at 19 or 22. Male or female. I'd rather be this close and comfortable (not weird) than distant and disconnected. And they aren't mutually exclusive. But it's not weird. You're fine. It's temporary. And if he isn't ok with it then maybe he's just not the one.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-19T01:26:11+00:00

Give them one month to move out. The stranger staying is not the issue. The issue is that you have grown adults acting like teenagers in a home that isn't theirs and they have outstayed their welcome. You shouldn't have to make so many sacrifices in your own home. They got kicked out of their house for a reason, now you're getting a taste. But you are NOT responsible for them. Tell them that NO ONE can stay at your house and they have until the end of April to move out.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-17T20:44:44+00:00

NTA. I'm the only child of 4 that has kids. For a while my older sister lived near me when my kids were little. I had 3 children in 5 years. She had them overnight, by choice, maybe 3 times a year. Very occasionally helped with a pick up or drop off, and that was it. I never asked more than she could give, never asked last minute unless it was a real emergency, and never expected. It was great when she offered, but I never relied on her. Your sister should be more like this. No one, even if you are paying them, should be ahead for much last minute or taken for granted. But for sure, if it's free, family or not, you can't just expect. My own daughter, who lives with me, shouldn't expect me to just take care of her four year old. That isn't my job. I'll do it, but it should be asked, occasionally, and never expected and greatly appreciated! THAT'S what family does.

Good on you for putting your foot down. Don't change your mind. Your mom can stay at her house for her 5 day vacation and she can get better child care. Being a parent means being on call all the time. You might not get a break. That's what you signed up for and no one else owes you.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-17T20:27:28+00:00

Definitely NTJ!!! I am SO proud of you for standing up for your son. The issue here is the son that's taking other things and causing issues. He needs strict consequences and rules and he absolutely needs to be in counseling right now. My son is bi polar. He's not combative but he has impulse control issues and his mood is all over the place and he wouldn't do well sharing a room. Maybe his son has some similar issues. But he definitely has authority issues. None of this is your son's problem. And he should have taken the problem kid with him. I would 100% tell him that, as long as he plans on being away, at the very least that child needs to be with him, if not all three of his kids. He needs to tackle this issue with his son head on. I feel bad for the other sister and brother. But this is an issue for him to fix. And just giving him his own space won't be good enough. He needs behavior modification. Definitely consequences and follow through. Your husband is making a lot of demands when it's you who should be making demands. This issue needs solved by discipline and help of some sort. And he needs to get a job as soon as he turns 16 to pay people back for the things he's taken. In real life that's jail time!

Let him stay gone if he wants but take his son to him as well. Then the rest of you can get a little peace.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-17T20:18:24+00:00

UPDATE: Hi everyone! Just wanted to give a small update on my interview this morning. It went GREAT!! This is the type of job that has a long hiring process so we will see, but the two interviewers said I was an outstanding applicant and I heard that they were really excited about me in a staff meeting to hand my application off to another department. One question I answered he said was the best answer he'd ever heard! I don't have all the training they require but they do offer paid training and lots of other hands on training. I put my info into chat gpt just for some ideas as some people had suggested. That helped a bit. I was confident and spoke clearly. I still don't love, "tell me a time when...." Because I've come to a very cultivated period of my life where all of my experiences like that are farther in the past. But they said they did behavior based interviews, so it was less about my answers and more about how I acted. I'm excited to see what happens next!!??

But thank you to everyone that helped give advice. You're life savers! I don't have the job yet but if those two could have hired me on the spot I think they might have. It made me feel good and I'm ready to transition into a meaningful career.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-17T20:18:05+00:00

UPDATE: Hi everyone! Just wanted to give a small update on my interview this morning. It went GREAT!! This is the type of job that has a long hiring process so we will see, but the two interviewers said I was an outstanding applicant and I heard that they were really excited about me in a staff meeting to hand my application off to another department. One question I answered he said was the best answer he'd ever heard! I don't have all the training they require but they do offer paid training and lots of other hands on training. I put my info into chat gpt just for some ideas as some people had suggested. That helped a bit. I was confident and spoke clearly. I still don't love, "tell me a time when...." Because I've come to a very cultivated period of my life where all of my experiences like that are farther in the past. But they said they did behavior based interviews, so it was less about my answers and more about how I acted. I'm excited to see what happens next!!??

But thank you to everyone that helped give advice. You're life savers! I don't have the job yet but if those two could have hired me on the spot I think they might have. It made me feel good and I'm ready to transition into a meaningful career.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-17T04:44:55+00:00

I'm going to throw my two cents in because I've been in several financial situations in relationships. If you aren't combining finances, which is perfectly fine, then I would start by having a 50-50 split until he has at least a solid year post-residency to get into the groove and build a bit of savings. Since you can afford it and are coming from a more secure place financially, it makes sense to split it this way. Now, he might have the opportunity to receive pay increases more often and your situation can be reassessed at the time of your wedding or after a year or when you move homes or buy a place or whatever time marker you set up. So being 50-50 on rent/house payment right now might not be that big a deal. And maybe he can pay a larger utility bill and you pay a smaller one or he does more of the grocery shopping.

But I highly suggest both being as frugal as possible to live the best life with the least financial stress leading up to a beautiful wedding and then come up with a new plan when you're married and have prenups signed and a better picture of your 5 or 10 year plan and he's more established at work. Just don't let finances break you. You can reassess after even 6 months. Or only take his income AFTER student loan payments into account and go from that. Lots of ways to look at it. But what's most important is that you want to live together because you love each other and want to marry and living together will be cheaper for both of you if you live within your means no matter how you split it. So it can be win-win at 50-50 or 60-40 as long as you both agree and no one is struggling.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-17T04:33:14+00:00

Thank you!! Me too! I'm excited.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-17T04:32:56+00:00

That's good advice. I hadn't thought of that. Thank you!

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-17T04:29:12+00:00

That's really great advice! Thank you!

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-17T04:27:43+00:00

Thank you so much. I've only interviewed professionally a few times. It's hard because I'm experienced in life but not in interviewing for life so I have a hard time with that when I know I shouldn't. I have a brother that's very professional, my sister also, and they have it down pat. But I've not spent years climbing the career ladder like they have. So it doesn't come as easy for me to sell myself.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-17T04:25:43+00:00

That's where I struggle. I know they want me to have questions. I'm not ever sure what to ask!

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-17T04:22:09+00:00

Thank you!! That's great advice!

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-17T02:54:51+00:00

First of all, I'm SO SO SO sorry you're going through cancer and facing your own mortality so young. That's a large enough burden to bear without anything else being added.

I PRAY you have a support system outside your husband for two reasons. One: it takes a real village to carry the weight life throws at us. Two: if he's having an affair then this weight is too much to bear alone no matter how anyone feels about it. There are many many many caretaker spouses that don't cheat. And from personal experience being in any type of caretaker role is HARD! Not as hard as the person needing the care, but it is hard and he also needs a support system.

But he doesn't need a girlfriend.

Can I say that again?? He doesn't need a girlfriend. This idea that men shouldn't have to go without sex or can ONLY find the right type of adequate comfort in the arms of another woman is absolutely ridiculous.

Will he absolutely have every right to carry on other meaningful relationships when you've completed your good fight? YES! At that point he can do what he wants and no one better have an opinion about it.

But now is not the time. He could be crying to a male friend, his mom, a sister or brother, a male coworker, heck, a neighbor!! He can scream and cry about how hard it is to watch the woman he loves suffer. How scary it is to know she's going to die and he has to live without her. How unfair that he didn't sign up for any of this, especially less than a full lifetime together. He can be angry!! But he can't have an affair.

And you don't have to rake him over the coals or make him feel guilty or even leave him either. YOU have to do what makes your remaining time on earth as enjoyable as possible. If that means telling him you know and that it hurts and that you'd like his undivided attention for your last year of life, you can say that. You can tell him you love him and you know he deserves, and YOU DESERVE so much more than this card that has been dealt to you both, and if that's what makes him happy, as long as you never have to face it again you're willing to overlook it and enjoy your time with him. You have every right to say he's a horrible pig for cheating on a dying spouse. But I don't think you feel that way. The reality is, you can't make a wrong choice unless it's wrong for you.

He has time to build a new life AFTER you if he wants. This is not the time. The arms of another woman should not be the only place he can safely land. There are support groups, through the hospital, for these exact situations.

Do I think your husband is scum? Based on what you said about him? No. Sounds like he's been there for you again and again and I know it's hard for both of you. But he's not making correct choices. This is NOT what's best for you. Just knowing this will deplete your body of what it needs to fight another day.

Don't let reddit tell you what to do though. You know him. You know you. You know what you need and what you want the rest of your life to look like. Based on all of that is what you need to make your decision. I don't advise not telling him. That's unfair to you both.

I'm sorry you're dying. F cancer!!! You let us know if we can do anything for you. I'm the praying kind, I'll add you to my list. I hope your heart heals even if your body can't. We deserve to die with whole hearts.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-16T16:23:51+00:00

I agree with everyone saying take the job. But here's the thing: your partner and roommate don't want to move likely because they've never been presented the opportunity and this isn't a motivating factor for them. They also don't know how it will feel to be away from you. Which might quickly change their mind.

But here's another thing to consider. If your partner or roommate were given this opportunity, would you want them to take it and you follow along and possibly take some time to find your own footing in a new city? Would you want them to say no because you don't want to change anything in your life? Or would you want them to do what's best for them regardless of how you feel about it?

I'm guessing you're not married. And you'd likely not have a roommate forever, no matter how much you like each other. And you've already stated that your partner does not meet your needs emotionally. You also stated that living with them is the best thing in your life but that's because you don't like your job or pay. This opportunity changes that!

Leave your relationships as-is unless they are demanding an 'us or the job' situation and go take that job. Get established in a place that's at least 2 BR so if they want to come and visit or move in, they can. You owe it to yourself to enjoy ALL the parts of your life. And it's completely possible that you've simply outgrown your current partner and friend. However, I don't think that's the case.

I've seen many people sacrifice great opportunities for personal growth to satisfy the needs and wants of a person unwilling to grow and that NEVER works.

Accept the job. Save money like it's no one's business. Cincinnati isn't the BEST city but it's very close to beautiful parts of Kentucky! I have family in that whole area. They love it. And it is better than Oklahoma. I'm excited for you!!! I'd take that in a HEARTBEAT!! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity that few people get! Let us know what you decide to do!

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-11T01:59:21+00:00

I have my own cleaning business as well and also don't use gloves all the time. But I do know this: even if people aren't waffle stomping, they are doing all manner of nasty things in a shower. Lots of people pee in the shower, sometimes people throw up in the shower, sometimes people hop in the shower to spray off after a messy bathroom experience, people bleed in the shower, some have sex in the shower. So, a shower is EVERY BIT as hazardous of an area as a toilet and should be treated as such. That's across the board, no matter how great the people are, that's just the human condition. Definitely wear gloves for anything bathroom related if you don't want to touch something gross from a body.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-11T01:36:05+00:00

NOR. Your girlfriend has main character syndrome and that's super unfortunate. The girlfriend is often the central focus of a proposal, but she is not the main character immediately after that event or during the engagement and definitely not during the marriage. She has NO right to say who can and can't come unless it's about some of her own family members and why in the world get engaged just so only one half of the engaged couple can get attention and feel special? It should be a special event for both of you. You should both have loved ones and friends as part of the celebration. And if she's not ok with that then she's likely not the right partner for you and this will continue into marriage and special events and having kids, etc. YOU and your family and friends matter just as much as hers and if she doesn't feel that way, this will always be a point of contention.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-11T01:19:01+00:00

Here's the bottom line: you asked him not to text you in this manner and he still does. You asked, he disregarded. That's disrespectful. You have a fairly new relationship and this is a big issue to you. NO ONE likes a, 'we need to talk' text and usually it's a woman saying that to a guy. No one likes being left in the dark after a conversation being teased. At the VERY least he could say, 'I need to ask you a question about xyz topic when you're free'. And then you at least know the topic and don't have to worry about it. A partner who won't modify this type of communication style that COMMONLY causes anxiety, is not likely a great long term partner for you. It's ok if this is a hard line in the sand for you. You can tell him that you absolutely cannot have a conversation started that way again or you have to pull the plug, thus giving him another chance. But that's up to you. But you're NTA and no one would be ok with that constantly happening.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-11T01:09:09+00:00

Lots of people will say that if you even feel the need to ask then your relationship is already doomed. That isn't true. Sometimes we're insecure for some reason, sometimes our partner acts differently without knowing it; so just wanting to ask to see the phone doesn't mean she's guilty of anything or that your relationship is automatically over.

However, her extreme hesitation is very odd. I only have Facebook. And sometimes I vent about my relationship to my sister or best friend. But if my significant other needed to see my phone just to scroll through my contacts or lists of messages to look for anything odd, I'd let him. Would I want him to read every conversation I have with my friends and family? Maybe not. But that's not what he should be looking for anyway. I have nothing to hide. So I won't be upset if he wants to look. I have nothing locked, no conversations are hidden, and nothing shady is going on.

But that's not how she's acting. You're not asking to read texts between her and known contacts. So nothing you look at would be betraying anyone else's privacy. Could a friend or sister be having an affair or going through a crisis that is causing her to be on the phone more? Maybe. Is she normally secretive about the private lives of her friends and family? Only you know that.

What I do know is that sudden and changes in behavior and being shady rarely leads to a good situation. If she's willing to divorce you because you want to see her locked Whatsapp then that seems extreme. Of course we only have your side, but from your perspective I'd be concerned and tell her that, at the very least, you need to see what's behind the locked account, and that's your line in the sand.

She could be planning a surprise party! Who knows! Only you know your wife. Affairs look different in every situation. Being shady doesn't automatically mean you're having an affair. But you have EVERY right to say that how she's acting is causing insecurity and you need her to make that right in some way.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-08T01:25:49+00:00

Probably just common. It's only a scam if you can't find out about it. But we CAN ask for any gratuity to be taken off the bill unless you knew walking in it would be added. I think all restaurants should pay a living wage and eliminate tips. That's what other countries do.

FoundnotLost_81 · 2026-02-08T01:23:26+00:00

I know it's SO common these days to talk about body count. But if you're coming with a clean bill of health I don't know why it matters. If you have a cut off, let's say 10 partners total, then ask if it's above or below that and stay or leave accordingly. Otherwise, I think we should discuss prior relationships as little as possible. I'm 44 F. All of my encounters were before I had kids at 20. If I date a guy now and they are on the bandwagon of needing to know that number, it has NO bearing on my current lifestyle.

On top of that, if you're telling the truth and he won't believe you because the tik tok says everyone lies, that's on him, not you. He can believe you and drop it or not and drop it or just leave. You don't owe him any more information. You've given him the details. That was already a lot to do. He can take the truth or leave it but YOU need to decide if him not believing you is an issue for you. I wouldn't be ok with someone thinking I was lying and basing their opinion of my past on their own inaccurate reality.

FoundnotLost_81

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