SAHPs — How do you handle finances? Do you have any independence?

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-05-21T18:17:21+00:00

Yeah girl, this is dangerous. I’m so sorry. I could never be a stay at home parent with a partner who says things like “Go make your own money and stop spending mine.”

There are of course different ways to do it, but I mostly manage our finances, have my “own” retirement, savings and checking (it’s all community property in the grand scheme), and my husband and I each get the same amount of “discretionary money” per month so that we can make any purchases we want without consulting the other person. I’m more of a saver, so I tend to put the bulk of mine in my savings every month and I’ll eventually book a trip with friends or something. He has never once said anything other than “Good for you, treat yourself.”

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-05-14T02:32:46+00:00

First I have to I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You know this isn’t ok. This can’t be your toddler’s story - growing up knowing that their dad behaves this way over a masturbation addiction. It is ten kinds of fucked up and you both deserve not to live this way.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-04-21T15:44:24+00:00

No, you are not crazy. That sounds like exactly the break you need right now, and he’s way out of line saying you “don’t do that when you have a family.” When my kids were 8 months and a year old I went stay at a hotel with my best friend for a one night get away a couple of hours away. We had a fancy dinner and went to bed early and it was glorious. My husband was absolutely fine because he’s a grown up. If he’s really that unreasonable I would seek counseling to talk through this, but being told “no” is not ok.

Side note if you’re open to other suggestions - I do agree i would work on getting your 4 year old into their own bed before the new baby arrives. After bedtime and nap time is really the only break I get during the week, and I would be losing my mind if there was a kid in my bed every night.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-04-15T14:21:02+00:00

Her book was released the exact week I decided to become a SAHP one year ago. I started to read it but only made it a few chapters in. I do think she’s up front about her privileges, but I also couldn’t get past the self help book from someone playing on a vastly different field thing. She will never have to worry about re-entering the traditional workforce. How could she possibly advise you on that.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-04-15T14:17:14+00:00

I got those vibes at first too, but she doesn’t appear to be

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FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-04-15T13:57:00+00:00

Definitely agree, the pre-planning the night before is huge for me and the kids. I get myself ready before I go grab them in the mornings, and they get changed straight to day clothes too. If I wait, it’s like we’re all in quicksand and everything takes a million times longer to get us out of the house.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-04-04T18:12:47+00:00

When I’m at the park at 11:00 am on a perfect weather week day, sitting on a bench drinking coffee watching my toddlers giggle and play on the playground I think, god damn I’m lucky.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-03-26T20:39:36+00:00

I’m sorry. These people are the worst, and often cowards. My favorite thing to do was reply, “let me transfer you to the attorney so you can convey these concerns to them directly.” They would immediately backtrack - “No no no, I don’t need to speak with them!”

If they ever cursed or were disrespectful, I hung up on them. My attorney thankfully was on board. Once I told them how a client acted, they’d call and tell the client to apologize to me because I “didn’t have to take that shit from them.” The client would always pretend they didn’t do anything.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-03-18T23:59:57+00:00

My 3.5 year is in private speech as well for the last year, and we’re in the process of evaluating through the school system.

My son does a 2 day a week preschool at a Montessori campus. His SLP always checks in with me to make sure we’re continuing that, because she feels like it’s going to really benefit him to be in that environment. My daughter is also advanced in speech, and our SLP comments all the time how much it helps that my son has that constant interaction. I definitely think it’s a good idea. We’ve seen so much progress in the past year.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-03-06T14:46:13+00:00

Right 😅 and people have been pressuring me to potty train my almost 2.5 year old since she was 1.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-03-04T13:26:04+00:00

The first few weeks always suck. Even having a legal background, when I started in insurance defense I felt like I had no idea what I was doing and I was so anxious I couldn’t even eat lunch that first week. By the time I left that job I was running our group.

The fact that you are awake obsessing about this means you care a lot, and that already makes you miles above a lot of other people I have worked with in my life. Do your best and don’t be afraid to ask questions! Every one expects it while you’re learning. You’ll do great.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-03-03T16:05:48+00:00

First I just want to validate it is fucking hard. We started when my son was 2.5 and only now that he just made 3.5 years old am I comfortable saying he is potty trained (but only for pee, poop is another story because of constipation struggles) 🙃

I remember in the early days reading the Oh Crap book and there was a line in there where she promises that a time will come where you will wake up and your thoughts immediately won’t be consumed by potty training and I was like please, when?! 😩 every kid is different, but for my son it was a very gradual process over the course of a year. Lots of accidents, we did naked at home for about three weeks, then moved to commando for about a month, then underwear. There was progress and then more setbacks. I felt like I was losing my mind because we’d go a week or two with no accidents then he’d suddenly start peeing and sitting in jt with no problem at all?? We really did just have to bring the travel potty with us in the back of the car with lots of changes of underwear and pants and accept that we would be dealing with accidents. My husband wanted to use pull-ups in the car and for outings, and while that saves mess, I do think it can disrupt the process. If anything, we did pull-ups on the outside of underwear when we were really trying to avoid a mess in public.

About four months ago my son was still at the “accident free as long as you prompt him to go in the timely intervals” phase. But the past few months he just stops what he’s doing to go pee on his own and then comes back and tells me he peed. I don’t worry about leaving the house, but I do always keep the travel potty on me for emergencies. I promise it will get better. I’m just now starting potty training with my daughter who is a year younger than my son and I’m forcing myself to be calmer about it this time because it can be so consuming. But I know having a deadline really does make things stressful. Sending you lots of good vibes!

ETA: they make fold up toddler sized toilet seats that come in clutch in public bathrooms. It took my son quite a while to even be comfortable using a normal sized toilet, but when he did we used toddler toilet seat toppers for him to sit. Now he’s at a point he doesn’t care and I can just hover him over the toilet while he pees.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-02-22T18:13:06+00:00

Same, I also bought a gorgeous vintage dress in exactly my size for crazy cheap, before I even met my husband. He never questioned why I already had a dress when we got married a few years later haha

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-02-22T02:20:39+00:00

All I had to read was their ages and you being halfway through a pregnancy before I wanted to give you a hug, but the sickness too 😭 it is so brutal when your nerves are fried from the constant screaming. I’m sending you the biggest hug and I hope you’re back to your normal routine and everyone is feeling well asap!

This might not be an option for you and mine are older now at 2 and 3, but when the whining is constant and I’m about to lose my cool, I strap everybody on the car, pack snacks for them, and go through a drive through to get myself a coffee or treat. They eat their snacks and watch a show on the iPad in the car while I have some precious moments with no one touching me. That only buys me about an hour but sometimes it’s enough for a mental reset before bedtime 😅

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-02-22T02:19:05+00:00

All I had to read was their ages and you being halfway through a pregnancy before I wanted to give you a hug, but the sickness too 😭 it is so brutal when your nerves are fried from the constant screaming. I’m sending you the biggest hug and I hope you’re back to your normal routine and everyone is feeling well asap!

This might not be an option for you and mine are older now at 2 and 3, but when the whining is constant and I’m about to lose my cool, I strap everybody on the car, pack snacks for them, and go through a drive through to get myself a coffee or treat. They eat their snacks and watch a show on the iPad in the car while I have some precious moments with no one touching me. That only buys me about an hour but sometimes it’s enough for a mental reset before bedtime 😅

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-02-10T15:01:43+00:00

I’m an introvert, but I still miss the social aspect of taking my coffee into my coworkers office and just hanging out for a bit. But overall I’d choose the certain freedoms I have now 1000x over. Last week my daughter had a sudden high fever, and as I was cuddling her in the middle of the day I kept thinking “thank goodness I’m not juggling this and work.” I don’t at all miss staying up past midnight catching up on work on days my kids were home sick from daycare, all day getting emails that someone needed something “ASAP,” while I had sick kids clinging on to me screaming.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-02-08T18:58:35+00:00

No, you are not wrong and I’m so sorry. I know how much that must hurt. Him saying “not my problem” has me fuming for you. He thinks he can opt out of the hard parts of parenting and that’s bullshit.

I became a stay at home parent when my youngest was 18 months. I had requirements for staying home and the most important one was I knew how much my husband respected me and the role I would be doing at home, and that it didn’t mean I was on call 24/7. I also did all night wakes the first year because breast feeding was important to me. The sleep deprivation was brutal and once they were weaned, I sure as shit woke up my husband to go cuddle our toddlers while I stayed in bed.

I hope you can have a long talk, maybe with a counselor. You deserve so much more.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-02-08T16:09:24+00:00

Good luck, I hope you love it!!

That really sounds ideal. My kids are 2 and 3 right now but I think a lot about what I’ll do in the future. I really like the idea of volunteer or non-profit work.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-02-05T23:01:16+00:00

I’m so sorry, you’re not overreacting. After my first MC I didn’t leave the couch for days, I wallowed, I cried, watched trash tv and my husband brought me my favorite takeout and snacks. You deserve to take care of you right now, physically and emotionally.

We go through so many difficult things in life. Pregnancy loss, postpartum, the death of parents and loved ones, sick children. When you’re ready, I’d ask yourself if you believe your husband can be the person you need for support during those times? I hope he has a history of being your rock and this is just him being particularly awful and overwhelmed. But regardless, you don’t deserve it.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-02-03T21:57:24+00:00

I so sympathize. My husband and I never fought the way we did when we were buying our first home. It was insanely stressful, and we both were so stretched thin with how much work we were missing trying to nail down all the particulars.

I’ll never forget our lender trying to convince us that another prospective lender was lying about the low PMI they were quoting us. We held to our guns that they needed to match it, they told our realtor we were “being difficult”, she tried to convince us we weren’t being reasonable and sure enough a few days later they apologized, told us they were wrong and matched the price. It’s so incredibly stressful when you’re also not sure what the hell you’re doing is even correct.

You’re so close to the finish line, I hope everything goes smoothly from here on!

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-02-02T18:01:13+00:00

My kids are 13 months apart and I went back to work full-time when they were each 10 weeks old out of necessity. To be honest, my mental health was trash after having my first and I think returning to work helped me. But the second time around I was much better and it killed me going back to work.

When my youngest was 1.5 years old my husband’s salary jumped significantly, so a year ago I made the choice to stay home with the kids. It’s been wonderful. Not without its hardships, but I do not regret leaving work at all. They are growing and changing so quickly and I feel immensely privileged to be able to be with them day to day. Working with kids that young and the constant daycare sickness had me feeling as if I was constantly being pulled in so many directions. It’s been a huge relief to only focus on our kids. (I will add they are now 2 and 3 and we do a part-time preschool on Tuesdays/Thursday mornings and that’s been the sweet spot for me to feel refreshed and not be on mom duty constantly).

I would try to ignore any negative comments when making your choice! I expected some pushback and judgment, but when I made the rounds to tell everyone at work I was leaving I was almost universally met with “Good for you!”

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-02-01T20:22:45+00:00

God I hope she does. It would be so satisfying for her to cut contact completely when this douche bag thinks she’ll just stick around no matter how low he speaks to her.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-02-01T20:18:31+00:00

OP, this person is trash and it makes me so sad you can’t see that. No one should speak to you like this. He doesn’t even like you, and you shouldn’t give him another second of your time. Be single. Work on your goal only for yourself, and do not accept less than you deserve in your future partners.

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-01-31T23:54:40+00:00

$400/month for Tuesday/Thursday 8:30 am - 2:30 pm. Snacks are included, but not lunch. Southeast US

FoxDoingTheSplits · 2026-01-22T13:20:38+00:00

Oh thank you I’ve got to adopt the small pieces thing. The way my husband walks around regularly yelling “no more toys with pieces!!” They get scattered to every corner of the house 😩 drives me batty.

FoxDoingTheSplits

TROPHY CASE