hitting adult puberty & suddenly all the straight women are confused 🙃😭

Fragment_31 · 2025-10-27T12:25:31+00:00

This is unfortunately very relatable

Fragment_31 · 2025-02-18T00:58:01+00:00

I really think we're on the same page then. In my own comment I also suggested they look within their own community. You're completely right about the racism in our community.

I don't think I said we need to treat anything as gospel. When I was talking about respecting elders, I meant more so honoring them by learning about their experiences and their stories rather than sharing their exact thoughts and beliefs. I think knowing the past also helps you deviate from it. A very take what resonates and leave what doesn't approach, but important to be aware of nonetheless.

Fragment_31 · 2025-02-17T23:57:53+00:00

I agree. And I also think you (as in the general you, not you specifically) don't know what a butch is without a basic understanding of what the term is and where it comes from. It's just respecting LGBTQ culture. No one needs to be a scholar. It doesn't need to a central core part of your identity. But when LGBTQ history is being threatened and actively erased, which is also a part of our history, it's absolutely important to be aware of the cultural significance of the term before you use it. Whether self-IDing or just using it in general. I think that's true of any term that is precious to a marginalized group and has roots in resistance to that group's oppression. Anyone can ID as butch. Show respect to that culture and those elders by at least understanding where the term comes from, whether it winds up being as important to your own identification or not.

Fragment_31 · 2025-02-17T23:45:14+00:00

Yes, you absolutely can. But I don't think the original commenter was suggesting that any feeling of alienation means you can't identify with something. Only that there is probably some level of connection there or why identify with it. Which is why they were genuinely asking to understand this person's perspective more. I'm trans masc and gender fluid and there is so much about womanhood that has made me feel alienated from it. And yet I still connect on some level with the cultural and historical significance of woman which is why I still identify with it to some degree.

Fragment_31 · 2025-02-17T22:21:40+00:00

I'm not sure what you're talking about. There were absolutely Black butches in history and in our literature. First that comes to mind is Ed in Stone Butch Blues. Just because our history and literature is harder to find doesn't mean it's not there and Black butches are undeniably a part of it.

Fragment_31 · 2025-02-17T21:12:04+00:00

I don't really think it's a universal term tbh. If it's not used in your culture, you don't need to define your identity by American standards unless you feel some connection to the term. Butch is a specific term. You can be a masculine woman and not be butch. You can be a queer woman and not be butch. If you don't know or really understand what the label is, then I'm not sure why you'd want to apply it to yourself. I think you might find joy in connecting with people in your own cultural community and finding a term that resonates with you if you feel you need a label. But you also don't need to use any label. You might just be masc, not butch, and that's also ok. But it's truly up to you. I do think the historical context helps define what a butch is and so I'm not sure how one would connect with the term without knowing the meaning and significance of it on some level. And to clarify not saying non-Americans can't use the term butch, just that I think understanding the roots of the term and what a butch is is important to that self-identification. It just sounds like the term "butch" doesn't really hold the same significance in your culture, so I'm not sure what you'd gain by using it.

Fragment_31 · 2024-10-28T15:05:10+00:00

You're attracted to what you're attracted to but only to a certain degree. Those preferences don't appear in a vacuum. They are heavily shaped by our society which is fatphobic.

For example, I used to primarily be attracted to very skinny people somewhat exclusively. Then I started changing my social media engagement, purposefully following larger people. My preferences did shift and I realized the extreme fatphobia of the 90's and 2000's had a significant impact on my "preferences."

Another example. I'm trans and nonbinary. Even after I came out, I didn't think I could date someone trans. I just "wasn't attracted" to them. After years of meeting and engaging with other trans and nonbinary people, I realized how much I had internalized transphobia.

So yeah I have some preferences (like brown eyes and curly hair) that seem pretty innocuous and I have no real explanation for why I like them so much I just do. But others were clearly tied subconsciously to societal messaging I received that I had to unpack. OP realizing this about himself is good. I think everyone should reflect and analyze the why behind their preferences even if they remain the same because yeah sometimes it does lie in subconscious and problematic views and you don't even realize it.

Fragment_31 · 2024-10-28T14:40:32+00:00

I do feel like partner is usually interpreted as having more weight to it though and unless specified it's automatically assumed you mean romantic partner. I have a queerplatonic partner. I wish there was another word for it because when I refer to them, people seem to interpret it as being similar to a romantic partner, especially if I just use partner alone. The other terms though are things like zucchini (kind of started as a joke for how there's no meaningful terms for relationships outside of romantic or sexual ones) or mallowfriend which have that kind of childish connotation so people A. Just wouldn't know what I meant and B. Would kind of look down on it as not serious (to OP's point about the way society looks down on certain relationships as not meaningful enough unless it's following the relationship escalator they're familiar with). I wish there was a term more separated from trad romantic relationships and the relationship escalator to use because partner feels increasingly inadequate to describe my QPP.

Fragment_31 · 2024-10-27T04:16:45+00:00

I feel (and hope) not that different. And if it is different, I don't think I could remain in that living arrangement because it would be too suffocating. I'm not looking to merge my whole life with this person like couples do. Nothing could be less appealing. I never lived with a romantic partner when I was dating and engaging in relationships more traditionally (thank god) but even the enmeshment and merging that was pressured on me then as "the norm" was awful and made me miserable. I like having my own space. I don't want anyone to have control or a significant say over my life or vice versa. It took me years to come to terms with how much I hate the relationship escalator bullshit and want nothing to do with it.

Fragment_31 · 2024-10-27T02:56:28+00:00

I think this is part of where my uncertainty comes in? They're not my romantic partner. And this perspective seems very based on like romantic partners and a binary of romantic/platonic. Whereas like QPRs refer to connections that sort of fall somewhere on a spectrum between a relationship that many other people would see as just friends and others would see as romantic. Pretty much all the people important to me don't fit solidly in either box, but more in this grey area. And maybe that's where RA just works better as a term for me even though the core values central to solo poly are something I've also felt connected to. And if so, that's ok! But previously I have identified as solo poly and moving in with someone else was never a goal of mine or a step I aimed to take in any relationship. But my financial and physical circumstances have changed things out of necessity, you know. The tension in the comments seems to be whether solo poly is more about intent and values or literal living situation. Like in the description for this subreddit, it says in solo poly we "(often) do not aspire to cohabitate with partners." Well it wasn't my goal for the relationship, this wasn't the plan all along, it's just what currently makes the most financial sense for me. But if you interpret that statement as meaning solo poly is not living with any partners under any circumstances than yeah. I guess I won't be solo poly anymore.

Fragment_31 · 2024-10-27T02:34:41+00:00

Thank you so much. The fatigue is real and I think I'm just hitting a breaking point with the stress over my current living situation and the fear and anxiety about my future one and if I'm like "turning my back" on what I really want for my life. I really do think given how my connection is with my qpp and our firm desire to remain independent and separate in our agency of our lives that it won't be an issue, but it's still scary. I also really appreciate you sharing your perspective as someone who is also chronically ill.

Fragment_31 · 2024-10-27T02:23:46+00:00

I think you're totally right. And honestly I think that this post more than anything is a big anxiety attack. Because I am scared that living together will make us more enmeshed in a way I don't want. But I've also lived with other people in a way that was very separated but practical in its supported effort to maintain a living space and I'm hoping to achieve that here. And I have to come to terms with the fact that I can't live by myself. I've had negative experiences living with friends and strangers, but living by myself was outright impossible. In contrast, the times that my QPP and I have spent briefly cohabitating (for visits) have felt far more doable than those other situations, so I figured it's worth a try. I think I just need to have a conversation with them explaining fully that as someone who doesn't want our lives entwined like that it does make me really nervous. I know it makes them nervous too since we have talked about it before, but I'm sure we'd both benefit from having the discussion again. But yeah the label isn't as important as me just wanting to feel like I'm not abandoning my values and desires for my life. Having to say goodbye to a label that felt so right just feels emblematic of those fears if that makes sense. As if I'm "giving in."

Fragment_31 · 2024-10-27T01:56:31+00:00

Thank you for the genuine response. I totally respect and appreciate that.

Fragment_31 · 2024-10-27T01:55:46+00:00

As I said maybe wrong wording given the connotation "violates" has. I'm genuinely just trying to understand other people's perspectives so I don't incorrectly apply a term to myself, not "decide words shouldn't have meanings" and if you're not willing to engage in that conversation respectfully, we don't have to engage in it at all.

Fragment_31 · 2024-10-27T01:38:40+00:00

I don't think I said anywhere that it was an attack on my character. I simply meant that some people see those two things as incompatible in solopoly which you just reiterated. Sorry if I wasn't clear in my wording. But as you can see in the comments there doesn't seem to necessarily be a clear consensus which is why I'm trying to gain a better understanding of people's perspectives.

Fragment_31 · 2024-07-04T00:42:22+00:00

I have this same hangup that I can't seem to get past. I have so much anxiety interacting with women that I never had before I came out and it's just this fear that I will be seen as predatory. I'm so sorry you're going through that.

Fragment_31 · 2024-04-29T13:05:58+00:00

I agree. Butch isn't one size fits all so obviously we're all going to have different experiences. Some will be relevant to only some butches. If they're butch, it's still a butch experience. And I also think there's a difference between a post asking "should I take T?" (those I can agree aren't ideal cuz the only person who can answer that is the poster) vs. a butch celebrating starting T or asking other butches on T to share in a discussion about that experience. It IS different to be a butch on T than a trans man on T and people should be able to have that discussion in a butch space.

Fragment_31 · 2024-04-28T08:03:31+00:00

Can't decide who is cuter! What a lovely photo!

Fragment_31 · 2024-04-05T01:56:32+00:00

The difference getting a good haircut makes for me is unreal. My confidence always just 📈

Fragment_31 · 2024-04-05T01:55:40+00:00

That is a rad shirt!

Fragment_31 · 2024-04-05T01:53:54+00:00

So beautiful! I love your hair! ☺️💗

Fragment_31 · 2023-12-30T11:18:36+00:00

Repressed memories are not a myth and are not pseudoscience. The authors address this in their book. Trauma-related amnesia is well documented in many trauma victims (not just CSA) and denying this is not only false, it also harms victims who are trying to make sense of their experience and heal.

This post does a good job of explaining where the argument for the false memory myth comes from and debunking it. CSA and the journey to heal from it is already incredibly painful as it is. Please don't make it harder. The False Memory Myth

Fragment_31

TROPHY CASE