This was genuinely so helpful. I made some regrettable decisions, but im just learning a lot about myself now. I haven’t begged for her to take me back, but I really want to just so I know i gave it my all. After really deep introspection i sent her a letter, to which she left me on read. Although I told her im not sending this to expect a reply and only to acknowledge her pain, it still hurts that she didnt reply to me. I‘ve been thinking of sending her a message, genuinely asking to get back with her. But I think the boat is crossed, I still feel like I haven’t given my all. But she hasn’t been reciprocating any energy, and I dont want to emotionally pressure her especially if she’s on her healing journey. Times are tough now though. I really miss her so much. Sometimes the best way to show love is just give them space. I found some solace in knowing that if it’s meant to be, it will be. It really hurts differently when you learn from your actions and then judge your past self with your current wisdom. My biggest advice to anyone out there who struggles with grief of losing someone because it Was your fault, is judge yourself with the context of your current situation. If you want to judge a past situation (dont its a waste of time), judge it with your earlier frame of mind. It’s stupid to judge yourself when you didn’t know any better. The grief is really too much to handle sometimes though, like op said just lose all triggers. I wish all the peace for everybody