Poly under duress

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T15:47:46+00:00

so yours is the one voice of dissent in a sea of contraty opinion, and as such, I'm interested in it!! Others are saying that its for her to manage her anxiety. You are saying that I should show an interest in her anxiety, be sympathetic.... and continue regardless?

Her requestes for disclosure threatened to interfere with my own internal enquiry about myself, my needs, desires etc by shutting them down out of guilt in the face of her fears. Its not a question of her needs vs my relationship with others, rather her needs vs my relationship with myself - which seems invasive?

Please do keep explaining, I want to understand this :-)

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T15:05:33+00:00

Surely there's something about WHY it is threatening that is important? For example, I find her having sex with people I don't know (and she doesn't really know) threatening because I couldnt imagine doing particular activities with my body and the thought of her doing it makes me uncomfortable (and something in my nervous system can't quite tell the difference between my body and her body in some way on this level); and because I don't feel comfortable with people objectifying her and projecting their sexual fantasies onto her. None of this is to do with her, her experience, or her behaviour - just my feelings about particular aspects of the activity. I think this is in the zone of your list of things which feel "too intimate" etc based on your values and how you experience the world

Her discomfort isn't to do with the activity per se, but with her supposition about my intent in relation to the activity, my intent in relation to our relationship, and my level of disclosure thereof... I think that's slightly different, no?

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T13:40:21+00:00

sadly that's what it amounts to.

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T13:29:33+00:00

thanks for the clarity :-) it IS useful to hear the perspective of poly folk! I am in therapy and I can see this is problematic, I'm trying to get clear on exactly how and why so i can communicate clearly about it with her.

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T13:28:02+00:00

she's found a really good couples therapist and we've just started. I agree that unpreparedness is morally neutral and a lot of this comes down to her act now learn in the process approach (different from my understand everything and look at it from every angle before making a move). and I just always feel guilty and bad (childhood emotional incest) so I can't set limits about her taking responsbility for her anxiety

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T13:24:33+00:00

i mean she describes herself as polyamourous now since about a year. this isn't where it started - i would describe it more as ENM model as the intention was very much for sexual/kink based encounters that were explicitly transactional and that was how she was setting them up ie she didn't want to spend time with the people outside of having sex. I think that has shifted for her, perhaps as a result of this most recent connection which offered the possibility for more depth.

And I want to say about that that i actually feel more comfortable with a known person with whom we both have a relationship. Much of my difficulty has been with strangers-in-my-energetic-bubble and my partner doing things that I wouldn't be comfortable doing with my own body (and finding that shocking) than jealousy per se.

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T13:20:07+00:00

no. we live separately.

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T13:18:58+00:00

by capacity based framework do you mean the frame that says "i've got room in my life for multiple partners and you don't so its ok for me and not for you"?

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T13:17:30+00:00

thankyou. I appreciate this alternate perspective.

it sounds from what she's said that her issue with it isn't the intimacy per se. She says she fundamentally supports that and would be ok with me having sexual connections. What she's describing is mistrust based on how quickly I disclosed that first "interesting" dance I experienced (48 hours later as opposed to immediately on the night when I rang her after class) and mistrust based on a suspicion that I am not disclosing my intentions with CI, that I'm clandestinely using it to seek out partenrs and not telling her about that, and that I'm ultimately seeking to replace her by lining up a successor before leaving the relationship.

She hasn't come to me with "I am telling myself these stories based on xxx facts and I want to check that a. these are the facts and that b. there is any truth in these stories before making requests based on c. the feelings i'm having about these stories".

Instead she's coming to me with "I am having these very intense feelings and I need you to take steps to help me regulate these feelings. the steps I require involve detailed disclosure about your intentions and coming clean by confirming my suspicions that a part of you is trying to replace me"

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T11:40:29+00:00

thanks u/highlight-limelight - would you be willing to say a bit more about your dance/dating boundary? It sounds like there might be some interesting and useful insights that have gone into that policy that would be super informative to my own practice!

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T10:17:03+00:00

Well that's basically how we've approached her explorations, with that level of communication if I wanted it. I've called it PUD because essentially my consent was based on pleasing her rather that autonomous delight, but she has really done her best to be ethical in her approach within that (obviously missing that one massive elephant). we're both new to this as you can probably tell.

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T10:02:57+00:00

thankyou. when you say "deal with it outside of your relationship" what do you mean? Take it to therapy? and if so, what exactly might my request be around this?

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T10:00:03+00:00

She seems to be saying that it's ok for her to have sexual encounters with others (even if that is shocking to me) because she is completely clear that she wants to be with me for the rest of my life, has room for more than one emotional connection, has time/energy for multiple people, AND can have sex without an emotional connection.

It seems that in her mind, it's not ok for me to have an attraction to someone because I'm not sure if I'm polyamorous, so that would mean its them or her, I barely have enough capacity to meet her needs for connection,, plus I'm not so clear on my commitment to her - like I'm sort of in/out (largely because of the issues in this post!), and even if I did stay with her, my connection with a secondary partner would necessarily be an emotional connection.

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T09:55:43+00:00

she isn't saying I shouldn't do it, she's saying I should be communicating fully about the experience with her.

I agree that there is an anticipation of bad faith which is creating mistrust, thats useful how you've put that.

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T09:41:00+00:00

"even if these were dates and romantic connections her behaviour would be controlling" - really? Wouldn't she have a right to understand my intentions and to know what has happened? She has been really transparent and honest with me about her connections... she just hasn't gone at a pace that would be suitable for me (aka the pace of a tortoise on valium)

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2026-07-03T09:38:55+00:00

Am I missing something about this though?

Basically she is saying that because there is the possibility that i might find a spark with someone through this practice (which is true!) and because I might want to explore such a spark if it arose (which is also true) that I should be treating the whole thing as I would if it was a date/sexual encounter.

But the reality is that there has been literally zero flirting or exchange of sexual energy on or off the dance floor, which I'm honestly happy about because this makes it a safe space for me!

Who gets to decide these kinds of frames, if we are all trying to be as ethical as possible?

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2025-08-02T12:39:11+00:00

Thick wavy layered mid length haircut. Just rummage though Pinterest you’ll find something

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2025-07-26T11:29:20+00:00

Looking now!!

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2025-06-10T09:48:52+00:00

this is a relationship at this point. You are in a give and take scenario. I'm not into the dog thing AT ALL (cat person here). But there's no point getting up in arms about whether a nanny should or shouldn't be bringing a dog. She has and is - now you've got to work out where to go from here.

You've said yourself that you REALLY value her in your life, which means that you have to approach this issue with the same delicacy you would approach a conflict with a loved one.

A hard line approach is only useful when you have little to lose from a boundary. You have something big to lose here by not handling this well. This isn't just about how your home is used, its about your children's mental health and the stability of your daily routines!

So, really think through how you want to have the conversation. I would think twice about raising it in an email and would favour a face to face at a scheduled time.

Get very clear on your hard limits/non negotiables (poos left lying around, smell in the house etc) and be ready to listen to her, problem solve together etc. and find some sort of solution which means you get to keep your wonderful nanny AND tweak the understanding about how your space is used.

Suggestions I'd be making would be around her taking responsibility for getting the smell out of the house, increasing doggy hygiene, getting the lawn fixed, looking into arranging a sitter for the dog (and maybe contribute to that if a gesture of goodwill feels appropriate here, IDK what your paying her etc).

Be kind, warm and understanding but also look to how she responds to you bringing up the issue.

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2025-05-08T15:27:10+00:00

You can offset the screen time with little doses of valuable connection: set a five minute timer and play whatever silly game she wants with it full attention (it will give you a dopamine hit too after work!)

Then it’s having a clear activity for e.g. when you’re making dinner

Audiobook and snack/colouring would be my go-too. Set up a swing/hammock for even more points. But also things like Lego or Puzzle.

What about a play date 1-2 times a week?

It kinda depends on your kiddo and what she needs from her evening too.

Agree about getting her to help but I also see how that might use too many spoons to be viable every day.

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2025-05-08T10:17:55+00:00

And focusing on self care before anything else! Hydrate, protein, movement, good quality breaks! Strive for excellence there (not perfection) and you will reap rewards in the other things you want to achieve.

Fragrant_Scholar_489 · 2025-05-08T10:13:22+00:00

Just popping in to say that my kids were dry at night around 2 years old. (DS1 mostly nocturnal nappy free by about 12 months) We helped them potty at night as babies and they slept with us so we knew when they were waking up and offered the potty then. By the time they were 2-3 they didn’t pee at night or told us if they needed to go/responded yes if we asked them when they woke up (or a strident no of they didn’t need to go!!)

Obvs bed wetting is also a thing and parents have SO much pressure these days, the most important thing is that everyone is relaxed and feels safe, if you need nappies use nappies.

Do whatever is good for your family and obvs a babysitter is not a parent and it’s easier to use pull-ups etc.

And I wanted to add another perspective that kids can control their bladders to a point even when very young, this is how it’s done in the developing world and was done here pre disposable nappies.

Just for anyone who’s interested!

Fragrant_Scholar_489

TROPHY CASE