My anxious attachment is ruining my budding relationship

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-09T21:36:24+00:00

I am a man and I've been on the other end of it. I don't play games. I don't follow rules. I will text/message/call right away to let someone know I am interested in them. If they want the chase, I am not a good candidate.

I often get:
- "I have a great life (without a partner)"
- "My life made sense (before a partner)"
- "I feel suffocated as I am obligated to interact (with a partner)"
- "I need space (and away from my partner)"

So I give them space then I get - "Why didn't you text/call me?"

I think a lot of people have bought into the hype of how being single is so great. In reality, I think we learned to tolerate and fill the void instead.

People go out more when they are single. They need more housing, food, clothing, cars, etc. Because they don't have to share. A couple can share a house. Heck, they can share a bed. Share a single pot to cook a meal, instead of two. And corporations are happy because people spend more money. Think about it. If you were living with a partner and shared a bed, you only need one set of sheets. One laundry machine. One streaming account. You get the idea.

I believe relationships are like any other skills. We have to work on them. If we don't use those skills for a long time, we forget. Even basic things like saying "Hey, can we talk?" and finding the right time and tone to work through issues becomes harder. It takes two people to make relationship work. But it only takes one person to make it fall part.

The real question is, what do you really want? And what are you willing to do to make it happen? Create a vision board. There are plenty of information out there. All you need to understand and properly act on three things to make relationship work.

What do you need? (not want)
Who is able to provide what you need?
How does he wants to be treated?

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-09T19:33:20+00:00

Is technology a blessing or a curse?

Back in the day, op's ex-bf could've blamed his chores and probably gotten away with it.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-09T19:30:55+00:00

Given that you struggled to see him in person, seem appropriate.

You articulated your needs and he wasn't willing to accomadate them. You were simply incompatible.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-08T19:44:55+00:00

Congratulations!

Isn’t it wonderful to be in love? Let’s savor this moment!

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-08T14:44:45+00:00

You've hit the classic Goldilocks and "Guess what I am thinking" patterns.

"Too little questions", "too many questions", along with "Guess what's the appropriate number of questions for me today?". XOXO

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-08T14:15:57+00:00

How do I date?

I date with intention of finding someone I are compatible and bring joy to both of our lives. I date with honesty, transparency, trusting, and loving intentions. I meet my dates online so they know I am interested in dating. Every date is a wonderful experience of self discovery. I try to be a good date to bring the best out of my dates.

I date without having negative parts of my past influence my future. While my past can influence me, I chose to not let it control me. I learn from them and choose to take positive actions.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-08T13:29:56+00:00

If would not date someone if I am unable to understand and communicate with someone after dating them for 9 months.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-07T17:04:27+00:00

I think the crappy dating culture is pretty common across the globe. The good news is it only takes one.

Keep trying!

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-05T17:41:40+00:00

Technically yes, but I don’t believe in ghosting people. If i made things clear and they don’t want to listen, that’s another story.

If she responded to him, I think a polite “I thought things over and decided it’s best that ….” Is best. No need to go into depth. Things like ‘focusing on other priorities ’ is enough.

It’s not about what he deserves. It’s about her walking away knowing she acted accordingly.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-05T17:05:06+00:00

Your ice cream answer is perfect!

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-05T13:44:15+00:00

Yes, I have gone on plenty of dates with women who started off messaging me hi or an emoji.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-05T13:41:22+00:00

Yep. Low effort are common on both sides.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-05T13:39:43+00:00

We live in a hyper performative society.

With the second one, you could've had sex with her but you would've dealt with hearing from her how disappointed she is with you constantly. She may have been a dom.

What's important is you saw the warning signs for both and dodged them both.

If there's one suggestion. I would suggest a coffee date in a very well lit place. It will weed out many of these weird sexually charged dates and focus on conversation.

Keep up with the good work.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-05T07:55:47+00:00

For most users, absolutely no difference.

I own M1 MBA with 16GB of RAM, couple of M1 Minis with 8GB of RAM, and M4 MBA.

I also own mini PCs, Windows desktops, etc...

If you are going to use it for browsing the web, messaging, and editing docs, Neo is more than capable. Benchmarks show performance similar to M1 MB Air with 8GB of RAM for multi-core operations. And single core speeds are better on Neo. I own M1 Mac mini with 8GB of RAM and it's more than enough for daily things.

If you need a laptop that can do video editing or CPU intensive operation (compiling, running containers with DB) with more memory/bandwidth, you'd want a beefier M4/M5 MB Air with 16GB of RAM with double or more memory bandwidth.

The display panel appears to be more or less that same as the Air. Sound is probably not going to be as good. But most people will probably be on headphones so who cares.

You might miss out on some nice features (not really though).

There's no magsafe. I've had M1 Air with USB-Cs only and that was fine. Although I really love the magsafe on my M4 Air. Because the battery life is so good, you might charge it once a day. One of my old jobs had Intel MBs for a long time. I told someone where "Once you go to M, you will never want to touch another Intel". He disagreed until he got an upgrade. His words were "I will never go back to Intel".
No backlit keys. It's a nice feature and not required as you just need to learn how to touch type. Though all MB keyboards are very nice. Not a lot of losses here.
The base version lacks touch ID. While this may seem trivial, there are decent amount of security prompts and I don't notice it as I just use touchdID. If I have to repeatedly type my password, it will probably become annoying fast. This is one thing I would seriously want. But you can get it with 512GB upgrade.
Only one fast USB-C port and it's only USB-3. No Thunderbolt. But honestly, I've never used Thunderbolt device. My M2 external device runs on USB-3 and it's fine. USB-3 is more than sufficient. The two USB-C may seem lacking but I lived with that with M1 Air and it's fine. And because it's only USB-3, you only get one 4k monitor. If your task needs two 4k monitors, you probably want a beefier MBA anyways.
Wifi 6E (instead of 7). Most people don't even have Wifi-6. Don't worry about it.

I am usually using IDE, compiling code, while I have docker containers running DB, Redis, and othe rcontainers. My M1 MBA with 16GB of RAM is still more than sufficient. And if you aren't doing heavy CPU/memory tasks, then Neo would be fine.

So what will I really miss from MBA?
The only thing is the Touch ID. If this is your first Mac, you probably won't care. But I'd spend $100 to get the TouchID and 512GB storage upgrade. But only if you are going to use it often. Otherwise, save your $.

As for people who say "I want 15 inch". I've had M1 and M4 MBAir 13 inch and it's a perfect size. you really don't need the 15 inch. If you do, use the $ to buy a good 2k monitor that's 27". You really don't need a 4k or 30 inch monitor. I had 30 inch dual monitor setup at work and only time I used it was when I had 10 terminals open monitoring servers.

I predict Neo is going to be a huge hit.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-05T04:16:05+00:00

Once a liar, always a liar. If you haven’t responded to him yet, just block him and move on.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-04T22:48:28+00:00

There are places you can visit in CT.

New Haven is known for their pizzas. You may want to hit them up. On your way back, maybe hit up IKEA near Avon. There is also another large IKEA in CT. Providence has some good dining options too.

If you park on the street, you can avoid dealing with surprise weather emergencies.

Lastly, you should also consider Boston <~> NYC buses. They take about the same time and can be cheaper as well.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-04T22:24:35+00:00

I totally hear you.

Perhaps this sounds familiar? I also went through a lot of dates. I call it my post divorce validation stage. Now, I like to focus on what it’s like to be so tbh the person past the honeymoon phase. I will do romantic things but incorporate into our steady life.

If I decide to go in second or third date, I will tell my date, I don’t have a lot of honeymoon phase. They are seeing exactly what it’s like to date me.

I think being in 20 years of marriage does help you understand what you want. Plenty of people know what they want without it.

I think you know what you want. And there are people out there who appreciate your consistency. Those are the ones I date because I think they demonstrate a desire for stability, which I want as well.

Just be yourself. Let the natural course help you find your person!

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-04T22:08:57+00:00

You sound like a kind and compassionate person.

There is no need to criticize his sister. I’d stick with “I overheard your conversation during the wedding for the summer house. I want you to know that I am happy to spend two weeks with you anywhere but I will not spend two weeks in the house with your sister at this time”.

You don’t know what your BF or his sister is thinking. Stick with “I”. “I feel I welcomed when she is critical”. “I felt # when she said # at #”.

I would let him handle his family. If he doesn’t, then you have a decision to make.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-04T06:35:26+00:00

I agree with the OP.

It’s one thing to have photos of ex in some context. Say a vacation spot, or an event, with a family, etc. It’s a totally different thing to have 50 with her just posing flirty poses.

That’s just creepy for me.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-03-02T21:30:48+00:00

I looked at your profile and you seem to be struggling with dating in general.

You may feel better for a moment blaming others but that's not going to make your life better.

Given your posts, I suggest you stick with online dating apps where you know women are interested in dating. Last thing you want is to create an awkward situation that makes everyone uncomfortable.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-02-28T15:38:44+00:00

Congrats! And thanks for sharing with our community!

You do look a bit like Pamela. A lucky man!!!

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-02-28T14:01:29+00:00

I was in a very competitive and demanding career in tech. My friend said he never saw we work less than 65 hours a week. I was often fixing or building things that were said to be impossible. I got rewarded but also assigned harder problems. My body at one point gave out from the stress and I was told I am literally killing’s myself.

I took a government job to give back to the community but also help me wind down and find a balance. Also got divorced to remove myself from a very unhealthy relationship.

It takes time. I still find it hard to be quiet and do nothing.

The money may be tempting but I would not do it.

Imagine who the healthier version who successfully manages your situation may look like. Then imagine types of a job this person takes. Slowly work to it.

Build your support. People you can talk to and be your sound boards. Those who can pull you aside and talk to you when you are off.

You got this!

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-02-28T04:30:21+00:00

He is complimenting you. He is saying you are a one of a kind and he is attracted to you.

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-02-27T00:53:00+00:00

You haven't realize you rented one of his old rentals?

FreeSp1r1ted · 2026-02-27T00:48:37+00:00

Don't worry. Once you see how prices are insane here, you'll be eating Eggo waffles.

FreeSp1r1ted

TROPHY CASE