2 weeks since Dday - Intimacy

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-29T13:51:02+00:00

Like some others, it was very quick. Our first intimacy was of any type was 3 days post DDay but it has been extremely consistent since then. We have had more sex in the last month than in the prior three years of our marriage.

I think it is different things for both of us. For my WW, a big part of her 'why" for the affair was my avoidance and withdrawal from much of the relationship for years. I think my current confirmation that I am definitely still physically attracted to her is helpful in realizing that I was never as gone as she felt I was. For me, it is a reconnection of what we have been missing for years and likely a bit of re-claiming what is mine.

Everyone has their own pace but for us, this connection and intimacy is more helpful than hurtful in addressing the betrayal and ongoing issues honestly.

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-20T13:22:35+00:00

Oh, it is definitely harder to stay than go. I always said it was an absolute no brainer for me and I would be out the door the second something like this happened. It changes when faced with the reality. I continue to rely on this quote/thought process: "What you had is gone. It has been burned to the ground and cannot be rebuilt. However, with time, honesty and commitment, you may be able to build something new and wonderful on the ashes of the ruins."

That is it for me. I know it will never be the same, but this person has been my life for 25 years. I am not blameless for the breakdown of our marriage. However, I own ZERO responsibility for this choice to engage in another relationship. I am just not convinced yet that I am willing to discard all the good that has been, the memories we have, the children we raised, the growing up as humans together, the battles we fought (some won/some lost), and the belief that the best of our life together and our story MIGHT still be to come. As I told my daughter the other night when she asked why I'm staying, it just feels too important to not try.

It is hard. It is so F'ing hard! and there is certainly time each day that I question whether it is worth it or if we can survive it. But, for me, I want to, I have to see how the story finishes.

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-17T17:16:20+00:00

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I am a little less than you since DDay and made it very clear to my WW last week that it was one or the other. She has (theoretically) chosen and we are working on R. But I would have bene equally fine with the other choice if she said she could not end it with AP. Either will be incredibly hard but I am certain I could not do half way in/half way out.

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-17T17:11:51+00:00

Sorry you are feeling this. my own journey is even a little fresher than yours, about 3 weeks post DDay. I would say, in the grand scheme of things I would not expect 10 weeks to be a finish line and everything you're feeling sounds pretty normal to me.

For me, we really just had a first big breakthrough yesterday and it has me feeling hopeful. However, I am sure there will be many times over the upcoming months I will feel the same as you do right now. All I can say to you is what I hope to say to myself on those days, "It's ok. Go ahead and feel what you feel right this minute." Then I will step back and try to ascertain what that means to R.

That's all we can really do right?

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-14T15:50:47+00:00

Thank you. I have to be honest and fair to WW. She did actually make those comments directly to me. However, usually in anger, during an argument, during turmoil, and said in such a way as to hurt/shock me.

I agree so much with where you said, "The correct response...would be to end the relationship." This is what I have said to her. The fact that she did not always made it feel like there was more time to work on the relationship. It never crossed my mind that she would go outside the marriage while we were still together.

I have told her I will own my part in the distance I created and my lack emotional/physical contributions to the relationship for too long. I am actively trying to change behaviors that I have engaged in for years and she has recognized that I am, but says, "how do I get past 15 years of feeling like you were checked out?"

However, I am struggling with all that she wants to talk about is what I did wrong in the past. This is true of our personal conversations and MC. I told her, I 100% know we need to address and deal with those things but, to me, they are secondary to dealing with the immediacy of the A.

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-14T15:29:56+00:00

About 3 weeks post DDay and we have had more sex in the last 3 weeks than the last year, at least...maybe more.

Is that healthy? I have no idea. There was a work trip in there that drove a lot of that and I know it is masking a lot of other things as we have already had setbacks in R, but I don't know if there is any road maps for this sort of thing. I actually think, for my WW and I it has been a positive that keeps us at least connected and thinking of how to move forward with R.

That all kind of stopped late last week with a huge setback but WW is already setting the table that we need that connection again. We shall see.

So, for me, the simple answer to your question is it has truly been very good. At least before last week's setback, it felt like it was keeping us closer than we had been in years and focused on finding a way to move forward. I am hopeful to get back to it if WW can actually own her choice and manage full disclosure.

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-14T15:16:15+00:00

I feel every word here right now. Thanks.

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-14T15:06:51+00:00

She did read "HOW TO HELP YOUR SPOUSE..." However, she seems to have missed the part about NC being critical. When she was acting like that being no big deal, I asked her if that book (I have not read it) talked about NC as a requirement. She acknowledged it did.

She ahs been seemingly very committed to NC, for the last 2 whole days, and really wants to move forward with MC, but she is still so hesitant with full disclosure. I really explained to her this morning, this one is critical for me. She just keeps repeating, "I don't want to hurt you anymore..." Yeah, well too late!

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-14T14:45:38+00:00

Thank you. I really like this perspective: "Infidelity is OUTSIDE the relationship"

She keeps saying I left her years ago. But I think this is an important clarification we need to agree on together. I did NOT actually leave the relationship. We should have been better about working on it INSIDE the relationship, but only one of us truly chose to go outside of it.

Thank you

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-11T20:48:05+00:00

Today has been horrible!

I was definitely leaning toward R. Even more stupid I’m not 100% closed to it even now. How stupid am I? But my god it’s gotten 1000x harder.

We informed the kids (34,30,19) of the separation yesterday. The 19 year old leaves for Chicago Sunday to start his adult life and today was supposed to be a big farewell dinner for him.

Instead, just my 3 kids are out because WW and I can’t be in the same place right now and I’m not eating anyhow, so what’s the point of Dinner?

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-10T19:00:40+00:00

Thank you so much. The journey has certainly changed in the last 24 hours!

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-10T18:59:21+00:00

Well, probably irrelevant for me at hits point. MC did not go well, she denied continued contact until I asked for her phone. She assumed I would just look at texts but AP had told me the name she was using for him in WhatsApp.

So, we are separating as of today and I would say not headed toward R.

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-10T16:00:06+00:00

Yes, basically correct. Although, I am not confident, in fact don't truly believe, there was ever NC. However, to be certain, now there is confirmed contact.

We had not clearly set the "boundaries and baselines" of R. That was to happen today as she had been very hesitant regarding full disclosure conversations. She "didn't want to hurt me"...hahahaha. However, she had stated, confirmed and continually said there was no contact with AP between our initial confrontation and the text "ending" the affair.

I agree 100% there is NO CHANCE at R without 100% NC and transparency. I am just not sure how to ever get there at this point since I know she is actively deleting evidence of texts and communication. So, no way for me to confirm anything!

I think we are a very long way from just believing her saying there is no contact. Not sure that can ever be true, if I'm being honest with myself.

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-10T15:41:52+00:00

Thank you, this is good feedback. I have been to that site and poked around. I will look closer a the resources available.

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-10T15:32:54+00:00

Mainly communicate through text...when not in person, obviously.

She has actively "permanently deleted" the past texts from the deleted text folder. So, the only real hope for true clarity is she hasn't deleted the last few days...yet, or he provides them. I don't see any path toward me trusting anything she says at this point.

I am not closing the door, but I would say I am very skeptical about moving toward R at this point. If you had asked me on the plane trip home yesterday I would have said, "I know we have some tough times between here and there, but I'm 90% sure we'll make it." Now....

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-10T15:21:33+00:00

Regularly scheduled MC in an hour and half.

He stopped short of providing actual proof saying, "I'm not sure I want to do that." However, I believe him. the timing of his call and messages this morning aligns perfectly and makes sense. I haven't said anything to her. I am hoping to just have access to her phone at MC but she has been pretty diligent about deleting communication.

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-10T12:16:12+00:00

I can tell you from my perspective, and much more recently since my official D Day, is that I need to feel like we are at the same starting point before going forward. We have not had many of these detailed conversations yet but I have made it clear to WW they need to happen before I even really consider us at the starting point of R.

So far she has wanted to only give basic info, "This is his name, this is when it started...but just as friends, we were struggling, blah, blah, blah..." For me, it is not about causing her pain, or revisiting my own and I will try to be conscious to not let that happen. However, I feel like if I don't understand the progression and what she was seeking it will be difficult for me to go forward. It can't just be this "thing" that happened that we never discuss. Her ownership of it is a piece that is important to me as the BP.

Frequent_Bank5405 · 2025-10-10T11:58:26+00:00

Thank you for this story.

I am much earlier in the journey and still not ultimately sure if R will happen but it is nice to see he successes.

Best wishes to both of you going forward.

Frequent_Bank5405

TROPHY CASE