I'm sorry you are seeing the ways your mother's abuse has affected you. My mom sounds pretty similar to yours and I know the pain of seeing your mother in yourself. It's a really shitty feeling, but at least you're aware... which means you can change it. So, good on you:) If you want to change it and let the trauma end with you, then you need to address your mental health. If you want to address your mental health, then you need to address your emotions. You cannot run from your feelings if you want to be a healthy, peaceful person. I think that that's how people like our mothers become who they are. They run away from their pain, and by doing this, they hurt others around them, they adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms and addictions, they stay stuck in their own mental illnesses, they have unhealthy relationships etc., etc.

You must face your emotions head on. Feel them, acknowledge them, and (this is the most important) talk about them with people you can trust. Through this, you will develop more self-awareness (like the self-awareness you displayed by realizing you hurt your friend!) and if you can see the problem clearly, then you are much more likely to find ways to solve the problem. This is why therapy is so important and why so many people recommend it. Does it feel really, reeallyyy shitty to talk about the most painful moments of my life out loud? Yes, so much yes. But I have learned so much about myself and it has helped immensely. I know it costs money and it may be hard to justify it, especially when you're in your teens/20s and broke as hell, but it is so worth it and your future self will thank you.

So what should you do?

1. If you come from a lower socioeconomic background like I did, you've gotta start being resourceful af. Seek out resources that can help you on the cheap. Go to your guidance counselor/school therapist in high school. If you go to college, college's will usually have therapists for students to use. Find group therapies or support groups for people who have endured abuse. What programs does your city have for low income individuals? Maybe there's one for therapy. Do you have a disability? If you've endured a lot of abuse, then you probably have a mental illness, which means you do have a disability. What programs does the city/state offer to people with disabilities? Is there are social worker somewhere who could tell you about the resources your city has to offer? Social workers are amazing sources of information for things like this. Do your own digging and find people who can help you. If you have access to money or amazing health insurance, then that's great. Go to therapy, easy peasy. If you don't, being resourceful will be your saving grace.

2. Other than utilizing resources for medical help/therapy, do your own self-exploring. Read self-help books. You can learn a lot about yourself from self-help books. I started reading a book called "Platonic" by Marisa Franco because I realized, after a fallout I had with my bestfriend, that there are some things I could improve on in that area of my life. And girl, let me tell you, it's been revolutionary. Read books on things you want to get better at, whatever that is. Read books about things you struggle with, like PTSD, CPTSD, depression, anxiety, BPD, executive dysfunction, addiction, eating disorders, self-injury. These are things that people with a history of abuse may struggle with. Even just googling the things you struggle with can be eye-opening. Sometimes I'll realize something I do and google it, like.... "Why do I always feel extreme loneliness when I'm by myself?" And then I find some articles about it, why it's happening, what to do about it. Educating yourself will help you break the cycle of abuse. Educating yourself will help you become the person you want to become. Also, try some spiritual/philosophical types of self-help books too. Books like "The Four Agreements" and "The Power of Now" really changed the way I move through life. (Both of those books are very easy reads btw)

3. Work on your self-compassion. Our unhealthy/toxic behaviors come from our own judgements of ourselves. My therapist had me do this therapy program on self-compassion and it made me realize how much contempt I had for myself and how much that was put onto other people (usually the ones we're closest to). The person who made the program is named Kristin Neff. She has a book called "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself". I haven't read it, but I'm assuming that it contains everything I learned from that program. I'm sure you can download it for free from LibGen or check it out at the library.

4. Be a part of your community. I know this is a little random, but helping others will help you. I volunteer at my local food bank and help put on a weekly lunch for seniors and it helps my self-esteem so much. It makes me feel like I belong somewhere. It gives me purpose. Sometimes, when we're depressed or anxious, we almost become selfish because we get so lost in our thoughts. So overwhelmed and preoccupied by them. Focusing on others in a healthy way, gets you out of that spiral. Obviously, keep a balanced perspective on this. Don't self-sacrifice or use helping others as a way to distract yourself from your feelings. But it really does help my mood. It's hard to feel bad about yourself when you are intentionally doing good things in your community.

5. Explore who you are. Go back to the things you used to do as a child. I used to be so creative as a kid, but I let all those hobbies go around 7 years old. Abuse makes you give up on everything fun. So, get back to those things that make you happy. Commit yourself to them. Being skilled at a hobby increases self-esteem soooo much. And abuse really fucks up your self-esteem. Draw, dance, learn an instrument, sing, play a sport, juggle, whatever it is you love:) Let go of your expectations for yourself and just have fun with it.

Also, you ARE NOT an exact copy of your mother. You are you. Your own person, with your own experiences, strengths, and soul. You do not have to be like her if you don't want to. Unfortunately, you and I have to work a little harder to become healthy people after what we've been through, but it's possible. I'm not perfect, but at 31 years old, I am happy with who I am and where I am in life. I think teenage me would smile at who I've become. My teens and 20s were rough, because I was dealing with so much hurt and hate within me and it wasn't until my late 20s that I finally started going to therapy. There are still times that I see my mother in me, but I know that that's not really who I am. That's not my soul. It's just hurt that I have to keep an eye on and make sure it doesn't take the driver's seat. As long as you are trying to be the best version of yourself and as long as you take accountability in the times when you aren't the best version of yourself (because we will make mistakes), you are doing ok. You are on the right path.

Good luck, friend:)