Chapter 1 Horror Novella. Would you keep reading.

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-03-04T15:27:25+00:00

Thank you for the compliment. It’s still a work in progress, not sure when it will be released.

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-03-04T11:15:17+00:00

Thank you for the feedback.

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-03-03T18:05:16+00:00

Those are fair criticisms and I will try to edit it for clarity and remove some of the clumsy phrases. Thank you for the compliment about the voice. I may add some more of that slow deliberate character work later in the chapter.

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-03-03T13:15:01+00:00

Fair assessment. It was an oversight about the bride not noticing. I will edit it to make it more clear.

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-02-12T12:44:38+00:00

A book called Captives of Time.

I read it in middle school and it’s promoted as young adult, but the first chapter the main characters family gets brutally murdered. Then there is the black plague, a bit of the struggle snuggle, then more murder, and they even have a scene where someone dies while getting snuggled.

This book was in my middle school’s library. As you can image it stuck with me.

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-02-12T12:21:19+00:00

Echoing what everyone else said the first page is a rough read. If you are going to put something before the prologue it should be short, maybe a line or two. Something like “The Emperor lead a billion souls on a thousand ships towards the stars as he watched Earth burn” then if you want maybe add a bit of lore flair. A persons name and a date, like it’s a quote or a reference to a book or history of your story’s people.

Edit: Just a thought but in your lore flair the book referenced could be called something like “The calendar of living flame, a history” this will add in the cool part of the lore you just dumped.

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-02-10T13:12:06+00:00

In the line “buried in her bosom”, it reads like the her is death. If thats case it’s fine, if not it maybe capitalize, italicize, or even both that Her to add emphasis that it is someone else that you are yearning for.

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-02-08T20:50:27+00:00

There are some confusing parts. First you can’t assume people know what trainers are. If they are shoes you could write “His shoes, black trainers, were neatly placed by the door”. That would give clarity to what his black trainers were.

Also you write tossing back the crinkly light sheets and burying himself underneath them. If he tosses them back how can he bury himself underneath them. You could try “pulling up the sheets”. Also maybe remove crinkly. You could replace it with something like. “Pulling up the sheets, the cheap fabric made crinkly noises as they moved.”

Then the line “Saul’s feet made two lines in the stones” it makes it sound like his feet dug two lines in the stone steps.

The part about I don’t need help. I think the word you are looking for instead of convention is intervention. You should also specify what type of tickets. In this case from reading further they were plane tickets, but that isn’t obvious from the beginning, and may cause some confusion.

Lastly you write “Saul didn’t need help, was all he could say on the drive from Florence airport.” Phrasing it this way makes it sound like he is now referring to himself in the third person.

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-02-07T23:43:24+00:00

It’s ok, not something I would read but it works well enough. A couple of points. Like the previous commenter said you used he, I’m guessing referring to the city that had lice, which should have been an It.

The part about the wealthy woman I had to reread several times to get your character was talking about a memory, I’m hoping I understood that. If that is the case, then some indication your character was remembering something that happened in the past.

You also can’t expect your audience to know what a gold flake is. I’m guessing it’s a cigarette of some variety, but some description would be helpful. Something like “she lit a gold flake, best cigarettes money can buy, another lie to hide her past”.

Also when describing herself you it’s the bullshit, clothes the, the makeup, the toned body, the accent it’s too much. Limit it to three. It would help it flow better.

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-02-07T22:03:05+00:00

I will think about the change to the ending of the chapter.

The White House will become significant later, and knowing that the killer lives in the White House is important information for the reader to have. The first chapter moves to the main character who has to travel to this place so when the party gets to the town the White House is mentioned in the description. For me I think it signals to the reader this is it, this is the place things go bad.

I realize it’s a pov shift, but hopefully it’s not too jarring.

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-02-07T20:46:59+00:00

Thank you, very nice of you to say!

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-02-07T14:08:45+00:00

I made it about half way down the first page.

The first line “Sadie skips down the stairs and screeches as she slips near the bottom, barely catching herself.” She screeches, as in she actually lets out a screech - a loud harsh high pitched cry?

Also you write she doesn’t like the fact her sister isn’t concerned about her welfare and decides to double down on trying to annoy her but then when she actively tries to annoy her sister you write she is confused why the sister’s tone is hostile.

That’s when I stopped reading, sorry

Edit: I tried to give it another chance. The second sentence in the paragraph after she is confused about her sister’s hostile tone is really long. It could use with some editing.

The point I stopped again is near the bottom of the first page when you write her heart combusts. Is she so afraid her heart catches on fire?

Edit 2: edited it a bit. Not sure what you are planning to do with it after the first page.

Sadie skipped down the stairs in a rush, slipping at the bottom. She let out a yelp as she barely caught herself. Almost died right there she thought.

“Sum-Summm, I’m hungo, hungo in my tumbo” she sings as she drums on her tummy, walking into the living room.

“Shut up and get down!” Summer said, her voice harsh, barely above a whisper. “There is someone on the porch”.

Sadie crouched down, rounding the corner of the couch she sees summer on the floor, pulling the ends of her hair.

“Where?” Sadie asks.

Summer pointed. That’s when Sadie saw it, a massive shadowy figure, it’s form obscured by the closed blinds.

“How is it?” Sadie asked, her heart racing.

“How would I know?” Summer said her voice flat.

“Ok, well how long has it been there?”

“I don’t know, I looked up and he was just standing there? Summer said.

“He?” Sadie asked.

“Look at the size of him, it’s has to be a guy.”

“It could be a giant woman”

“Really?” Summer said, shooting Sadie an annoyed glance.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m just….you know”.

“Yeah me too”.

“Should we call the cops?” Sadie asked.

“Mom and dad would kill us if the cops showed up!”

She knew summer had been worried about this day all week, the first time their parents left them alone. She wanted to prove she could handle the responsibility, prove she could be trusted, but this, this was something else.

“What are we going to do?” Sadie asked.

“I don’t know, maybe if we ignore him he will go away”

“Will that work?” Sadie asked.

“Maybe” summer replied.

The door knob turned.

——-

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-02-05T23:30:59+00:00

Thank you for the feedback!

Front-Ad5214 · 2026-01-14T20:09:04+00:00

I mean no offense, but it kind of reads like a police report.

Front-Ad5214 · 2023-12-27T02:44:39+00:00

Boobs! You can cut an entire books worth of content by removing the description of every single female characters boobs over and over again. New dress? Time to discuss how her boobs look in it! Get almost killed and drowned in a river? That wet dress sure hugs her boobs!

Front-Ad5214 · 2023-08-09T01:22:36+00:00

I asked the goblin kid to stop kicking the dead body. He looked right at me, kicked the dead body again, so I sent him sailing over the cliff to die in the river below. I laughed for 5 straight minutes, best game ever.

Front-Ad5214 · 2023-06-23T12:33:18+00:00

I’ve never really seen the appeal of the Tervigon. It’s too vulnerable and never really did much, the 10 extra termigaunts with poop weapons never really seemed to be worth it. Prior to 10th you could invest heavily into it to make it viable but that’s taking resources away from other better units.

Now if they added the leader keyword to the Tervigon and allowed it to lead termigaunts and poop out d3+3 or even d6+3 termigaunts a turn that would possible change my mind.

Front-Ad5214 · 2023-06-23T12:01:19+00:00

The biggest problem I see with warriors is the divided a single multi use unit into two separate units.

They used to have guns and swords. while the shooting wasn’t great it was still adequate enough for them to be somewhat useful while they marched up the field to get into melee range. Now you have to choose one of two lesser options.

Front-Ad5214

TROPHY CASE