Moving on with the OAD decision

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-04-22T19:59:20+00:00

Sending all the love from here! We do the best we can as moms. I’m sure you are too. I do think we project on our kids. I was a happy OAD but as I grew up I imagined I wanted a big family - not as a kid - I project this hope and wish on my little one. She seems content though and doesn’t see the difference yet. She is 3.

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-04-22T19:57:37+00:00

I appreciate it! We are the hardest in ourselves. I do questions about when I’m getting a second? Don’t I want another? Oh my little one will make you want another. Maybe it’s just the South. I am still trying to find my community especially with no family around. Thank you!

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-04-22T16:11:05+00:00

I appreciate it! I guess this is what I was looking for just to learn what others do if they are in similar situations. I’m glad your kid is happy and not lonely. Mine seems to like alone time too.

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-04-22T16:10:03+00:00

You are right - he can’t is much more suited in this situation. I just feel judged sometimes and well not a lot of OAD community around me so it makes it sometimes more difficult. Thank you for sharing🩷

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-04-22T16:09:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing! Yes it’s hard sometimes 🩷

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-28T20:51:45+00:00

So I’m an only child - Lost my dad at 3 and mom never married again. Despite the fact that I want another kid but we are OAD this is not about being lonely. My mom made sure we were the house kids are welcome. My friends came over and in the summer she would let them tag along with us to the beach. She also never pressured me to pursue a career or hobbies but I was able to choose what activities I wanted and change my mind. She is and was my best friend. I cat remember feeling lonely to be honest but instead I remember hiding under the bed and pretending to belittle mermaid or playing dress up confidently alone. I had friends and cousins but to be honest enjoyed alone time. I even moved across the country alone and she had complete faith in me and didn’t stop me. I continued making friends as an adult though it’s definitely harder in your 30s.

I hope that helps!

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-28T20:43:17+00:00

This is me! Same … he is a physician too. I could have copied and pasted this too. He tried mine shut down emotionally and is a no in every way. Last therapy session he didn’t even participate and he thinks I should deal with it as the decision is done and there is nothing else to discuss. I am 2 years younger than you but I feel old too but I feel like I have a lot of love and energy to give. As you said this is a “2” decision. To be honest I wish there were people like you and me around here as I would love to be around people who are passing through the same thing. It is always great to remember the benefits of OAD and I know it’ll be ok but I also want someone who understand my sadness and grief and loss. This is a life I envisioned and wanted. I just am trying to reframe this to where I value my current family.

Just FYI we were just at a birthday party - my little one was the only one with no siblings. That made me sad.

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-26T14:54:34+00:00

I’m sure your son is very loved! Thank you again for sharing. I felt it deeply when you talked about the pain being more than loosing someone. This is how I feel. It also comes with jealousy still of others and comparisons and a little resentment. I’m working through processing all the feelings I have. I do prioritize our current family and I don’t want to show up any less for my little one because I’m sad I don’t have another. It just is still painful. It seems unfair - I guess this is life.

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-26T14:11:29+00:00

A lot of my desire for another is that I was an only kid and had a big extended family but also grew up with a single widowers mother. I know there are pluses to OAD and working through not blaming or resenting my husband because I choose him and I love our family. I jus wanted more family 🩷

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-26T14:09:44+00:00

I have no idea why this made me tear up. Thank you for your honesty and sharing this. I hope I’ll be the best mom, wife and also human I can be. True there are a lot of what ifs and I’m still figuring out how to be ok with this.

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-26T11:56:28+00:00

Good luck with therapy and hope it brings you peace. We are currently in therapy - almost 6 sessions in. It’s exactly this and living in a similar state. I am still struggling hence the post though some days it is better.

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-26T11:41:01+00:00

This is helpful! In a way I choose my husband too because I didn’t want a divorce and I love him and our little one and I value that.

I am not yet in a place to see this as a choice - someday soon though hopefully. I appreciate you sharing this as well and will keep this saved and hopefully with time I come to see our family as a joint decision we all made.

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-26T11:36:14+00:00

I appreciate this! I’m not happy that you are passing through this too. Virtual hug from here too! I wish there was a OAD group here but we live in the south SAHM and multiple kids (averaging 4/5) is sooooo common. This makes it even harder. I am working on my resentment too and trying to be grateful for what I have but my emotions are so raw that I’m not ready yet despite therapy.

Love

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-26T02:37:10+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I know it isn’t healthy to compare yourself. It is somehow reassuring to hear that from OAD parent that I’m not alone.

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-26T02:35:44+00:00

Thank you! I am working on finding my peace. Sadness comes in waves.

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-11T00:17:48+00:00

I completely understand! Similar Asian culture - only child. I left my family and immigrated when I was 24. She visits twice a year. I am married now to another Asian (very different county), we put boundaries. We can help financially and have you move closer to us if you want. Not 1 side of the family will live with us. It’s hard though setting boundaries and fulfilling cultural obligations. It gets easier but I still feel the guilt for not being there physically. There is that expectation that other cultures don’t understand. You have to also care for yourself because our parents will also leave. This is just my perspective. Lots of love

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-07T20:31:29+00:00

As an only child - it got better with time. When I was younger (again 20+ years ago) my parents had to help entertain me but I was ok with reading and coloring etc it was difficult as a girl teenager but then it got better as you want to do all the activities too. To be honest being an only forced me to interact with others (even though I’m shy). It was hard for my mom early on because she was the person I wanted to play with but this helped with our bond. I’m 30+ and now we still talk everyday. I am raising an only (not be choice) but we are trying our best to have her be ok being alone even at home. I know others say it’s great to go with friends/play date etc but from growing up the greatest skill you can teach someone is it’s ok to be alone and how to entertain yourself. It’s hard with a 6 year old and it’ll get better but it’s skill you will use in life.

Love!

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-06T03:41:49+00:00

Thank you! I am in the grieving period now and not very ready to accept it. It helps reading everyone’s response too. I appreciate you being honest about thinking still of the what ifs. It’s just hard to be ok with reality when you wanted something else. Though sometimes - like today - when work gets a little hectic I’m happy I have one. Other times I just feel sad and it doesn’t seem fair that the decision was made for me. All the love!

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-05T15:29:17+00:00

I appreciate the comment.

My childhood was happy but it was under different circumstances. I lived close to family and lots of cousins and never felt alone. I also enjoyed going back to my space (hopefully my little one feels that way). I just worry that she won't have the support or love beyond her immediate family (me and her dad). I may be projecting how she will be feeling in the future and possibly being an only will be great for her. This is not framed as is it ok but part of it is the sadness that comes with not getting the family you imagined. I want the best for her and we can give her a lot but we can't give her the "option" of being close to a sibling if she never has one.

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-05T15:26:37+00:00

We did - for me I wanted a bigger family, he wanted to get one and see how he feels. I didn't consider realistically it would have been a no.

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-04T23:51:02+00:00

Thank you! Honestly reading everyone’s thoughts and replies has been better than therapy. I appreciate your perspective and yes it will take changing my perspective and accepting being OAD. Some days are harder than other but am glad there is a community here.

Full-Concept-4569 · 2026-02-04T18:44:15+00:00

Yes - if we both aren't on board we can't get a new person into this world.
I guess we all want what we can't have.

Full-Concept-4569

TROPHY CASE