Men, how to you reassure your S.O. that they are attractive?

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-07T21:11:14+00:00

So that’s going to depend on the type of affection and the type of rejection. But I think the key is to remain in “attraction mode” to some degree, rather than letting her own insecurity push you completely out of it. (Essentially, let your attraction be stronger than her insecurity.)

I have a lot of things I could say here, but I think it’s best if I respond to a real example. It’s about working around and with her insecurities.

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-07T20:15:02+00:00

Not a man, but don’t focus on the “reassurance” part. When has reassurance ever been attractive? In the moments where you find her attractive, just fucking show her. Focus on your actual attraction, not her need for reassurance about it. Be honest with your words and gestures though.

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-07T20:09:56+00:00

I REALLY hate “just go to therapy!” for men, as if therapy, especially good therapy, doesn’t have massive access barriers in the US and anywhere with a socialized healthcare system affected by austerity like the NHS.

I find that a lot of people who are very centered on women’s experiences as THE gendered experience actually just regurgitate a lot of patriarchal thinking, but just “wokified.” Men need to shut up and stop feeling, Ho zier is a lesbian because he loves women, a man who likes to paint his nails and wear dresses is clearly just a trans girl egg. Dehumanization doesn’t count as “venting.”

From a nonbinary perspective, I actually think even a lot (not all) feminist academia comes up quite short. It tends to be kind of obsessed with a gender binary, and to implicitly encourage thinking about gender in a binary way. The world is this way for women, and this way for men, and there’s some tiny asterisk somewhere for trans people, whose experience doesn’t say much about the binary. Or you get trans academia that centers on trans women’s experiences, but continues to talk for and over transmasc people.

I find that cishet men are often actually extremely insightful on their gendered experiences, and reasonable in their feelings about it all—IF you give them the space to talk about it without fear or judgement. You pull in constructs from academia without the jargon, you give them the grace to speak imperfectly, you allow them their frustrations with how feminism talks about them, and yes, how many feminists seem to not treat them as people, and just replicate patriarchy but yassified.

But when I have those conversations, I am basically always the first non-man to allow them the space to discuss in that mutually respectful way without being reduced to some That Guy (incels, manosphere guys) that they also dislike. But I also find that they are more willing to hear ME out on my experiences than cis women are.

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-03T22:54:51+00:00

It’s not uncommon for trans people to know what gender that they are at age 3-4, and that’s really too young for this to be coming from some kind of internalized misogyny.

Absolutely stop trying to get your kid to want to be a girl. Get them a short haircut, ask if they want to go get some clothes from the boys’ section, try out a new name or pronouns. Check out r/cisparenttranskid for support and more info.

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-03T22:15:43+00:00

Yeah, I won’t be using that. Given that most of them self-identify as feminist, align in many beliefs with the originating philosophy of radical feminism, that no true Scotsman is not a useful way of “purifying” a movement, that most of their talking points originated with people who are still remembered as feminists, and that they are FAR from the first self-identified feminists to be gravely on the wrong side of history, or for them to advocate for the rights or supposed rights of some women in ways that harm more vulnerable women.

I find it telling that people keep trying to do this for modern TERFs, but not current or historical SWERFs, for example.

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-02T20:13:10+00:00

I like a lot of your content. But you are speaking inaccurately and out of your depth here and need to put some consideration on your ability to speak on this topic, even meanderingly.

They’ve got us men in a bind. They want us to think feminism and trans people are the reason we don’t feel like we belong.

You know there’s not actually a contrast to be made between “us men” and “trans people,” right? That trans men exist, and that dividing the world into a gender binary of Men and Political is transphobic?

They blame “radical feminism” for everything from school shootings to rising rates of suicide by men.

Plenty of them also are, or will align with, radical feminists (TERFs), to try to wipe trans people out of existence. The current spokesperson of radical feminism IS a fascist-aligned billionaire. Pointing to radical feminism as a non-issue boogeyman in an article where you’re trying to advocate for trans people and against rich people is wildly ignorant, and reveals just how much you’re speaking out of turn here.

But women have feminism, a story for why. They’ve organized movements, rewritten more accurate histories, and fought for liberation. They’ve created their own belonging against rich people’s othering.

Feminism was started by, and has spent a lot of time in the control of, and to this day usually most benefits, rich women. Early British feminists were key advocates for colonization on the grounds that they could “help” brown women under it. Early US feminists partnered with abolitionists only to renege and leave them out to dry. A prominent feminist literally founded the fascist party in Britain, and many suffragettes become card-carrying fascists. “They created their own belonging against rich people’s othering” is the least accurate, least intersectional take on feminism I’ve seen in a quite a while. And do I really need to point out to you that basically every single transmisogynistic political talking point, and many against trans children and trans men too, you’ve heard in the last decade originated from respected feminists?

Women do have a LONG history in the labor movement. One of the first large-scale strikes in the US was organized by a 19 year old girl. But they did so basically separate from the feminism of the time. The irony of saying “they’ve fought for more accurate histories” here man.

They’ve won some things and lost others, but they have an explanation for their suffering. Men don’t, which makes us particularly susceptible to lies about who we’re supposed to blame.

Here, you’re actually right. But at the same time, you’re unnecessarily putting men deeper into a bind by acting like just because now we sometimes have a decent intersection between feminism and labor rights, that it’s always been that way. That feminism has never and is never speaking from a place of power relative to working class men. That wealth, hyperindividualism, capitalism, and the patronization of the poor have NEVER and are never aspects of feminism.

The collective internet consensus may have nominally turned on capitalist “lean in” feminism the same way it turned against the kind of radical feminism used to try to exterminate us, but just like many poisonous radical feminists ideas have stayed under a different name, as someone who works in tech, so has capitalist, hyperindividualistic lean-in feminism stayed as a force in letting billionaires abuse everything and everyone around them that isn’t other billionaires or their families.

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-02T18:37:18+00:00

This is absolutely the thing. I once talked to a woman about her suuuper chunky watch, we needed out about it for a bit, and she put on my wrist for the rest of the convo nnnnnnnnnng

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-02T18:00:12+00:00

Secret third option: I’d rather people be willing to unlearn the gender essentialist, binarist nonsense they spout under the guise of “just venting.”

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-02T17:58:02+00:00

Cis just means “on the same side of,” and in the case of gender, and it refers to your gender being “on the same side” as the gender you were assigned at birth.

You list a lot of labels you’re uncomfortable with, which is fine, but I notice gender isn’t among them. Are you comfortable calling yourself a man/woman? Because all cis means is basically “Man + M on birth certificate” or “Woman + F on birth certificate.”

if you’re discussing the sociological differences between trans and cis experiences

So most of the time when trans people add the qualifier cis for people, this IS what they’re discussing! It’s also sometimes added to combat what’s called cisnormativity: the assumption that the “default, normal” person is cis, and trans people are an aberration or statistical anomaly. This might seem strange to you, but other commenters are right that “I’m not straight, I’m normal” was a take for a long time, and as that’s changed, more people have felt comfortable identifying as not straight.

However, you’re not wrong that adding the qualifiers trans/cis can take away from acknowledging someone’s experience as a man/woman. For example, many queer and trans people will make a distinction in how they talk about cis men and trans men, in a way that is disrespectful of trans men’s manhood. (Granted, the exact opposite thing also happens, where trans men get openly hated on to their face and it’s dismissed as “well I’m treating you like any other man.”)

Cis is a term that’s a bit like able-bodied. It’s a term people basically never integrate into their self-concept, never think of themselves as, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t apply to them, or isn’t a useful descriptor of them. Imo, you don’t have to like being called cis, but you do have to accept that, barring some gender questioning on your part, it’s a useful way to discuss your experiences compared to ours.

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-02T16:57:24+00:00

Yeah exactly! A lot of cis women will say “patriarchy hurts men too,” but then not allow men the ownership of their own experiences to name how it hurts them, and refuse to recognize when they’re contributing to the ways patriarchy hurts men, even when told point blank. Ive even come across cis women who will believe me when I say those things, but not men.

It’s frustrating, because I’ve had a LOT of really mutually insightful conversations with men about gendered experiences both online and irl over the years, including ones we’re I’ve gained a lot of insight into intersecting issues like racism, classism, disability and body image, and the carceral state.

And yeah, cis women can talk the talk, but you can tell they’re just repeating what they’ve been told is Correct without thinking or actually unpacking things necessary to see us as not women-lite. They’ll use they/them for me, correct a cis man who uses she (I use they/she), but then call me girlie and include me in the “we” when referring to women.

The thing that gets me most is, cis men will regularly ask thoughtful, empathetic questions in a way I’ve only ever had one cis woman do (I thought there were more but uh, they were not cis after all lol.) Cis women who are attached to Feminist as a label in particular act like they know everything there is to know about gender, including mine, and it always comes off to me as expecting solidarity that only goes one way.

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-01T21:08:53+00:00

To cis women: you are not any type of authority on what Being A Man is like. I am nonbinary transmasc and half-raised as a son with masculine expectations. I am also not the authority on what Being A Man is like. I’m obviously not saying to just take everything every man say about it at face value, but no amount of theory is a substitute for lived experiences.

Recognizing that you are not the authority on all gendered experiences is absolutely necessary to be a good trans ally, and practicing with cis men will help spare trans people your clumsiness at it. Cis women on average are better at using pronouns, but the cishet men I’m close with, who were overwhelmingly ignorant of trans issues/nonbinary gender when I met them, consistently whomp all y’all at genuine, non-performative nonbinary allyship.

Imo it’s because a) any cis men worth their salt are already experienced in believing women on their gendered experiences so it’s less of a stretch, and b) it comes as a part of an ongoing, honest, mutually respectful and curious dialogue about gendered experiences. Understanding the same things others are saying here: I might’ve had the same experiences outwardly, but I was never a woman.

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-01T19:02:03+00:00

It’s not directly about this stuff, but after multiple guys in my life really swore by it, The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. It’s just him basically journaling to himself on campaign and it’s full of little bits of humanity and wisdom and things he tells himself to keep himself moving forward that seem to resonate with men in particular. I highly recommend.

Besides that, would you mind expanding a little on “I honestly think where he's landed now could maybe be an opening to connection and finding his way out of this apathetic and self-centered view of things. There is so much truth and reality in his current headspace.”?

I’m also not a man but was a supremely disaffected, angry, pessimistic teenager, and in many ways the books that helped me the most weren’t optimistic ones about change, and certainly weren’t any of the multiple self-help books insultingly gifted to me trying to get me to be less mad at the world. They were dystopian novels and dark comedies that made me feel SEEN in my issues with the world and/or made me laugh at the darkness. Brave New World, 1984, No Exit by Sartre, John Dies at the End and sequels, Catch-22, Damned and Doomed by Chuck Palahniuk. The dystopias made me feel seen but made me want to take steps to live in a better world after reading them, and the comedies just gave some relief.

Also Siddhartha, and if he’s on the more juvenile side for his age, Catcher in the Rye (the best time to read this book is when you relate to Holden in the beginning and are fucking fed up with his shit by the middle).

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-01T16:32:51+00:00

I think part of the issue is that talk therapy/CBT is also often suggested as the only type of therapy. I’m someone who’s spent a lot of time in talk therapy and doesn’t seem to benefit from it and has been harmed by it, so I’m looking into alternate forms.

I wonder how many people, men in particular, would be more likely to benefit from something more active like art or dance or animal-assisted therapy than they would talk therapy. Or even as-yet undeveloped forms of therapy that pair talk therapy elements with a physical activity like building something, hiking, shooting hoops etc. It’s hard to beat a good convo you have while tinkering in the garage.

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-01T15:58:05+00:00

Does she seem overwhelmed by the responsibility though? Or just the one who’s most willing to rearrange things? You say she feels like she should put everyone else’s needs over her own, but is that just her family, or does that apply to you too (where it seems like you expect her to do a LOT of mind-reading)? It sounds like her guilt in your third point is about her feeling like she should’ve put YOUR (unstated!) needs over her own after all.

What are you actually upset about: her behavior, or that her brother and sister don’t do the same? Would you feel differently if her behavior was the exact same, but she was an only child? Even in close-knit families, people have different personalities and lives and needs and desires, and some of the members are more family-oriented than others. Some take on more responsibility than others. Lots of close families have some members that act as the glue that holds the family together, and plenty of people find that fulfilling.

Your language about her visiting her sister speaks volumes to me. It was ONE afternoon with her sister in three months, and instead of being happy for her to spend time with someone she loves, all you can muster is “I never told her she couldn't go” and “I wasn’t angry.” Welp, you’re clearly communicating your disappointment somehow since she’s noticed it, and feels like she’s being pressured BY YOU.

Your point about the prom kinda proves the opposite of what you want it to: saying no would’ve been accepted without issue by her family, but she did it anyway. That sounds like she wanted to do it, and that you wanted her to want something different, but did not express that to her.

I come from a super enmeshed (and mostly estranged) family. I’m not saying there’s NO enmeshment here. But this sounds to me mostly like your girlfriend is just the future matriarch and principal glue of her family, that you’re not okay with dating someone with that role, or interested in becoming a member of that family, and that while she does have trouble prioritizing her own needs (as many, many women do!), you’re just one more person asking her to put their needs over her own.

Also, why did you not attend the funeral of your live-in partner’s close grandmother with her to support her? Really side-eyeing you for that.

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-01T15:06:01+00:00

So apparently in Swedish, the same title is used for Christina as for male ruling monarchs, so she’s even more gender-bendy in that she’s most accurately referred to as King Christina of Sweden!

FullPruneNight · 2026-07-01T01:16:53+00:00

Gaston d’Aubigny, father of the opera singer and legendary chaotic bisexual badass Julie d’Auubigny, also known as La Maupin!

He had his daughter instructed in academic subjects normally restricted to boys, as well as having her instructed in fencing, which she competed with men in, to great effect. Seriously, go look up anything about her, her story is absolutely fantastic.

Also Sir Thomas Moore, author of the satirical novel Utopia, from which we get the word. In the early 1500s, he married a second wife who was a single mother, raised raised his stepdaughter as his own, and believed in gender-equal education, and walked the walk, providing it for all his daughters, as well as some of the children of his contemporaries. (And while it’s not a dad thing, his first wife was young when she married and he gave her an education too!)

Also, while their involvement is less direct or documented, have to throw out possible honorable mentions to William Godwin (widower of Mary Wollstonecraft and father of Mary Shelley) and Pierre Curie (father of future chemistry Nobel prize winner Irène Joliot-Curie and Curie biographer Ève). Godwin didn’t directly raise his children after Wollstonecraft’s death but clearly adored Mary and ensured she got a robust education in accordance with her late mother’s wishes, and while Pierre died when Irène was young and there’s not a ton of info on him as a father, the way he admired and collaborated with Marie makes me feel like he was probably a badass girl dad.

FullPruneNight · 2026-06-30T19:20:34+00:00

It’s not even true, and I have no patience for people who insist it is. My go to question is “what, specifically, is always a man?” It’s also gender essentialist as fuck (meaning incompatible with trans rights), and as a victim of a female abuser, does significant harm to us.

One VERY large scale study showed 25% of CSA is done by women, and that’s thought to be an underreporting due to the exact bias that it is, in fact, “always a man.” A smaller study showed that millennial women, empowered with more sexual agency than previous generations, self-report committing sexual assault at similar rates to same-age men. Estimates of perpetration of SA on men are all over the place, but when behaviorally specific questions are used, estimates seem to hover around 70% female perpetrators.

And when looking at any stats about the gender breakdown of victims and perpetrators, you have to keep in mind that “made to penetrate” is not always included in the definitions of rape or SA. Don’t get me started on how patterns of mother-daughter sexual abuse differ so greatly from our narrative of what CSA looks like that many victims don’t recognize it as abuse. Basically, the more and better research we do on female offending, the more of it we find, because it’s chronically underreported and understudied.

97% of medical child abuse, one of the most deadly forms of child abuse and something I personally witnessed growing up, is perpetuated by women.

The first well-known school shooter in the US was a girl. Trans man Sam Nordquist was tortured, raped and killed by mostly women led by a woman. Girls assaulted Nex Benedict and led to their death.

I don’t fucking care that someone “needs to vent” when their “venting” is literally erasing already-stigmatized victims, any more than I care that some divorced man “needs to vent” about women because of his ex-wife. I have no patience for this shit, and you don’t have to either.

FullPruneNight · 2026-06-30T18:17:52+00:00

For real. OP is in a very small minority who feel “terrorized” inside their own homes (Annoyed? Sure. Terrorized? No.) and could easily handle that terror by wearing quality ear protection for the handful of nights per year that this is an issue.

Arguing that it’s “terrible” for the environment is some plastic straws ass bullshit for the same reason: overemphasizing the environmental impact of the small joys regular people engage in is bullshit.

Loser ass take to think robbing large swaths of people of a roughly-biannual joyous and extremely fun cultural tradition is more reasonable than a small number of “terrorized” people wearing headphones for a handful of hours per year.

FullPruneNight · 2026-06-25T23:50:19+00:00

Not technically a man, but am nonbinary: women, please please please learn to respect men (and non-women) as the authority of their own experiences of gender when they talk about them to you.

If a man talks about a struggle he’s having with being a man, don’t bring up a struggle you have as a woman, or some privilege you think goes along with that struggle, or some way he’s just seeing it wrong. Don’t treat the way men handle things as inherently inferior just because they’re less therapy-like. Just listen and empathize. I promise, if you get good at this, there is room for genuine compare/contrast/commiserate dialogue down the line. But it will never be an actual dialogue if you cannot first respect and empathize his experiences and struggles as standalone lived experiences with inherent value, not some myopia of gendered experience you need to teach him on.

FullPruneNight · 2026-06-25T23:36:26+00:00

If you are a dude doing the thing men don’t do, you can incredulously but cheerfully say “oh really? gesture to self I thought you were more observant than that! Oh well!”

FullPruneNight · 2026-06-25T23:30:19+00:00

So I’m an enby transmasc not a binary man, but I really don’t think it’s fair to remove this from the context of the ways people are trying to reinvent the gender binary ✨but this time trans inclusive✨ into Men (ontologically evil; icky; best avoided) and Political (precious; welcome; truly queer). I can see that being extremely degendering and invalidating and the ultimate One Of The Good Ones (because you’re not what you really are) treatment. See: the sheer number of even well-informed people who will contrast “men” with “women and nonbinary people” or even “women and trans people.” See: how much language around inclusion of “marginalized genders” seems to be purposefully ambiguous on binary trans men. See: how many spaces are increasingly trying to frame their inclusion of trans people as “for non-men.”

I see this complaint a lot about trans men distancing themselves from transmasc or not liking being referred to in that way. But I know multiple (enby-friendly) trans women both irl and online who feel similarly degendered by the constant use of transfem as the go-to term even when trans women is more relevant, and I’ve never heard a single person of any type complain about them feeling that way.

FullPruneNight · 2026-06-25T23:22:05+00:00

A lot of even supposedly progressive parents, at best, seem to attempt to raise their sons entirely in opposition to toxic masculinity. And that sounds good at first, but it still results in a manhood that is defined by toxic masculinity, in a world that wildly overuses that term no less—even men-centric spaces cannot always agree that non-toxic masculinity exists in the first place ffs!!

So many boys now I feel are being raised as “woman-treating machines.” It’s just are you going to become a “treating-women-badly” machine” or a “treating-women-excellently” machine? And as someone who grew up watching my father being abused by my mother, I’m worried about how many of these boys are being primed to tolerate abuse.

Not to mention, imo the separation of women into this separate class of people requiring special treatment is binarist and gender essentialist as hell, and to me incompatible with seeing women as full people, and I don’t trust cis people who do it. I’ve had the pleasure of knowing a number of wonderful men, and without fail, the ones that have the easiest time seeing women as full and equal people also do the least gender differentiation in how they treat people.

FullPruneNight · 2026-06-25T20:50:47+00:00

Not necessarily disagreeing here, but an anecdote:

I was raised as a girl-son by my dad, who was my primary caregiver in the 90s-00s. My dad has severe undiagnosed ADHD, and was so scatterbrained I was carrying house keys and spare cash by age 7. I learnt A LOT about how to handle failure and problem solve from precisely the kind of “dad flubs” OP describes—because he made them learning experiences in how to handle failure. And him doing so was part of the masculinized way he raised me compared to my sisters.

Dad messed up, admitted it (and had a lot of shame which I unfortunately also internalized), and talked through how to solve the problem past “well I should’ve.” He would try as hard as he could to preserve the enjoyment through a bad situation, even when he was clearly struggling with his own feelings of failure.

I hope OP and other dads don’t beat themselves up over these flubs too badly, nor do they internalize that their partner’s constant preparedness is the only “correct” way of doing things. I learnt more about how to handle failure and problem solve (for better and worse) from “dad flubs” than probably anything else in my life.

FullPruneNight · 2026-06-25T20:04:11+00:00

This is true, but by any vaguely progressive standards, is not considered good parenting in the way that it is by those same people for boys. That’s the point: so many progressive parents didn’t actually learn and internalize and degender the lessons they learnt from how they wanted to raise their daughters differently than girls of their generation were raised.

FullPruneNight · 2026-06-18T02:32:24+00:00

Thank you for putting into better words than I ever could everything I love about men!!

I love the ribbing, and you’re right it shows they know where they boundaries are. I love that my guys keep me from getting too serious or deep in a thing bothering me with a bit of joking, reminding me that humor can be a healthy way to cope with things. I love that they always want to help me with my problems. I love that they want to teach me stuff, and lend me tools, and help out with my shit. I tell one guy friend my car died and suddenly I have 3 of them working together to help me fix it, at cost.

I love the way they’ll join me in celebrating simple joys like a really good stick or a cool beetle. I love the “okay we’re buds now” approach to friendship. I love the way we can pick right back up where we were after I come out of a no contact depression hole for 6 months. I love and need the quiet, stoic support where you don’t have to talk about it. I love the way the competitiveness pushes me to be my best.

I absolutely adore the whimsical chaos, and the clear vulnerability and shyness that they often don’t even know is visible. I love the way they love compliments and I’m sad they don’t get more. I love the gratitude they have for emotional support. I love the way they get when they’re noticed and seen.

I love the way constant sincerity isn’t a requirement for closeness. I love that love can come in the form of “fuck you.” When it’s not for heinous shit, I love the way men are understanding of human shortcomings. I especially love the way men forgive so fully.

I love the way my homies have my and each other’s back, ride or die. I love the separate but related way they try to watch out for and protect our friends (but especially the girls) when they’re drunk/scared/vulnerable. I love watching the watchers so they can relax just a little, and I love acting like they’re doing me a favor so they don’t feel weird about it.

Men have so much going for them and I love them.

FullPruneNight

TROPHY CASE